In November of last year, I was sitting in my room one night and I got a blast of inspiration. I picked up an empty notebook I had and started writing down these words that poured into my mind. I've written 21 poems since that November day. My heart has been very full since then and also full of longing. I feel like I've been cursed with a heart that feels everything so completely. I tend to hurt easily but also am happy very easily. Some of these I wrote from experience, others were scenarios I made up.
I didn't pay attention to any poetry rules, so I know some of these might not make any sense at all, literary and grammatical wise. Regardless, they all came from my heart and I felt like I needed to share some of them with you. I wrote these all on impulse, which I discovered is an amazing release when my heart is overflowing. These aren't all of them, just a select few I feel comfortable sharing. I hope you enjoy these. I know they aren't all the happiest poems, but I wrote them during very emotional times in my life, many reflect that.
Holding / 11-11-15
Holding
onto the hope that I know is useless
Holding
those seconds that my world stopped
Holding
onto those thunderous heartbeats
Holding
the pencil for hours to create your beauty
Holding
onto wishing you'd notice me
Holding
the gaze that'll never be met
Holding
onto the hope that I know is useless
when I really just want to hold your hand
Like A Cement Block / 11-16-15
I woke up with clouded thoughts
I'm not sure if I slept through the night
It was one of those sleeps
where I closed my eyes and a second later I awoke
I prayed and prayed
I was thirsty for a minute of serene sleep
It felt like a cement block was encompassing me
I tried to extend my arms but go nowhere
I finally closed my eyes
the cement prison fizzled away
My heart finally got to sit still
then the alarm rang
Never Be / 12-2-15
I see you in dreams.
I draw you on paper.
I write about you.
It'll never be.
You are an inspiration.
You always amaze me.
You are so talented.
It'll never be.
It's fun to imagine.
It seems like it'd be perfect.
It feels good.
It'll never be.
I'm a fool to think about it.
I'm dumb to believe it.
I'm so ridiculous.
It'll never be.
Hand Holding / 12-2-15
A simple action
it holds so much meaning
it's either the spontaneous grab
the protective grip
or the gradual embrace
maybe all three
I yearn for that feeling
the bubbly feeling slowly surfacing
then it all explodes
damp palms
too anxious to be held
yet constantly craving contact
as eyes wander
trying to find yours
my hands vacant in my lap
twirling silver bands
until my fingers burn
your hands, so lovely
crafted by Michelangelo himself
mine dull in comparison
the clock spins as I wait
my hands still looking for you
I twirl the silver bands
look over my shoulder
a warm presence encompasses me
my worn hands no longer vacant
the spaces between are filled
a gentle squeeze
a simple action
it holds so much meaning
it's all three
That Day / 12-7-15
I can imagine the day
I can see the moment
I set up my easels and charcoals
I sit on a tall stool
I put a stool out for you
I tell you where to look
I keep checking to see if it's right
I glide my charcoals across the page
I ignore the black snow falling
I ask you about your life
I study your curves with care
I hear you laugh
I capture that expression
I listen as I work
I am enthralled by your stories
I make a mistake
I know you won't notice
I take it away and start again
I continue to study as you talk
I make eye contact often
I catch that iridescent glimmer
I carve you out with care
I notice every stroke
I am still listening to you
I take a break
I continue to talk and listen
I tell you about myself
I go back to work
I look at you with fresh eyes
I try to position you back like before
I work until my hands ache
I work until I'm covered in dust
I look at you and smile
I watch you get up and look
I soak in your expression
I sign my name
I thank you tenfold
(unfinished, I wanted to end this differently than that, but I couldn't think of anything.)
Steak, Grits, & Biscuits / 12-11-15
Surrounded by the three I love most
I pulled up a chair
My eyes danced around the table
I put mountains of it on my plate
Unsure at first, but then content
I sliced it, dipped it, perfect!
Slowly absorbing the taste
The conversation continued
But I suddenly heard none of it
My mind zeroed on my plate
Hundreds of memories flooded the room
My heart was shining like the sun
and as warm as the sunset
Millions of thoughts cleared
Only one thing was on my mind
I am exactly where I am supposed to be
Smile / 12-18-15
In front of everyone
I exposed my heart
Voice like water boiling
Slow, then excited
Trying to make eye contact
But repeatedly shying away
I continued revealing my heart
I saw you looking at me
The look on your face, I'll never forget
The boiling water overflowed
I didn't want to clean it up
You were still sitting there
I said how I wished someone would look at me
like William looks at Penny Lane
It was almost as if it came true
No one has ever smiled at me like that
or looked at me like that
There I was exposing my heart
and you there, looking at me
It was like I was Penny Lane
and you were William
I know these may sound random or like a lovesick tween wrote them, but sometimes you just go through lovesick moments. Sometimes you crave something so much that you just have to write it out. I never really wanted to let anyone know I thought any of these things or put the thoughts into words, but I was looking at my little black notebook and I felt like I needed to set some of them free.
If you read them, thank you. I appreciate taking the time to read the words that have engulfed my life so much that I could barely breathe.
I hope you have a wonderful Sunday, and have an even better week.
Rachel xx
