This post has been floating around in my head for over a month now. Tonight is the first night that my heart was yelling, "WRITE THIS RACHEL, RIGHT NOW!" So while I'm in my apartment, snuggled up in bed listening to Savage Garden, I am finally going to write this post that I feel like is long overdue.
From the Heart of an Introverted Christian.
Very long title, but very fitting.
I am nearing my junior year of college, which freaks me out. I'm halfway done. I'm halfway closer to being a full-fledged adult. This also freaks me out. Recently I've been focusing on how much that my religious beliefs have played a part in how I view the world and maybe how the world views me. I also realized what the definition for "introvert" means and I feel like that sums me up pretty well. If you put the both together, it's a bit of a strange combination, or so I've found.
This is not meant to be a way of cyber-pointing of fingers. I really don't want any of this to sound like I'm trying to sound holier than thou, because I am faaaaaar from it. Super far. These are just things that have been sitting quietly on my heart for a very long time and I feel like it's time to tap them on the shoulder and set them free.
This may be very long, and very scatterbrained. Buckle up.
Being a Christian is something I never questioned until I was a teenager. I was very lost. I grew up knowing Jesus and loving him and loving church. I liked going to church. But I reckon as I got older and started developing my own thoughts and beliefs, I began doubting. I was putting my thoughts and energy into things that weren't beneficial to me. Thankfully, it was nothing that harmed anyone or anything except for my own mental health. It was an internal battle that no one ever really knew was happening. I'm terribly good at keeping things to myself when it comes to myself, if that makes sense. I don't usually tell people if I'm mentally struggling, I feel like a burden if I do. During this time in my life I was feeling especially bogged down by detrimental thoughts. I've told this story in more detail in a previous blog, so I'll just sum it all up by saying that I basically had a complete mental breakdown because of these thoughts, one where I was crying for no reason and no one's words could help me. I hit rock bottom. Let me rephrase that, I slammed head first at 100,000,000mph to rock bottom. That's what it felt like, at least. Anyway, during these years I attended a church camp that changed me forever. Like a thief in the night, Jesus swooped in and saved me from those thoughts. For years I struggled with worrying about what people thought of me and if people liked me. I still struggle with this, but it was especially bad around the ages of 14-17. This one summer night during the church camp, I had another instance where I burst into tears and I didn't know why. To this day, I still don't know what made me start crying. All I remember is looking at the stage where the camp counselors were singing and then crying. If memory stands, I think one of my youth leaders walked me to the front to talk to my camp counselor. All I remember from that is him hugging me, asking what was wrong, and me bursting into more tears. But you know what was good about these tears? I did not feel hopeless. I did not hit rock bottom. Something had overtaken me and the only thing my body could do was cry. Those tears washed away everything that I had been worried about. This time, I needed someone to be there to hug me while this happened. I needed to feel that support. I am still so thankful for that sweet camp counselor I had. He will never realize how much his words and embrace meant to me.
About a month later I got baptized with my sister. I really wish it could be a happy memory, but I'll be honest with you, it wasn't. It should've been a day where I was completely immersed in the whole thing and been praising God with my whole heart. I knew I wanted to get baptized, I knew I was being called to do this. I was sure. I invited a bunch of my friends to come see this pivotal moment of my life. One of them showed up. A girl who I had just become friends with showed up with her mother, and I don't know if she even remembers this but if you do and you are reading this: I still thank God for you showing up that day. The one day I really wanted to be surrounded by friends and you showed up for me. Thank you.
And you don't have to tell me that my friends were probably busy or tell me that's harsh for bringing up how hurt I was, because I already know both of these things. I know some of my friends were busy because they told me they weren't in town. I'm not mad at them for not showing up. I understand life gets in the way. It was just one of those moments in life where you envision being surrounded by your best friends and them hugging you, and it didn't happen for me. But that's completely okay. I'm only saying this because it's a part of my story.
I held onto my religious beliefs throughout high school. I tripped here and there. We all do. Once I graduated, people told me to hold strong to my beliefs once I went to college because there were people out there who weren't believers. As much as I agreed with this statement and did hold onto my beliefs, it didn't come without bumps in the road.
As most of you know I am an art major. Being an art major, I'm constantly surrounded by eccentric people who are very inspiring. I enjoyed being around them. I still do. A fire inside me ignites when I step into that cricket-y old building that non art majors are scared of. It took about a year, but eventually it felt like home.
I never once asked someone in the art department what their religious beliefs were. It never occurred to me to ask. I didn't even think about it until someone asked me if any of my art friends were Christians. How was I supposed to know? I know as Christians, we're supposed to show his love through our actions. Was I supposed to see if they were nice? if they said God bless you when someone sneezed? I always had a problem with this. I do believe we should show Christ's love through our lives and actions. I try my best to do that everyday. But is it right for me to judge someone's mean words and assume they must not be a Christian? If expletives are flying out of their mouth, does that mean they aren't a Christian? I struggled with this and still do. I have been guilty of assuming people aren't Christians by their words or actions. I mean, if they know Christ they wouldn't curse or do drugs or drink or be gay, right?
You will drive yourself crazy with these questions. I feel like these are questions that aren't my place to answer. I've had friends who drink. I've had friends who curse. I've had friends who are gay. I'm still friends with all these people I'm talking about. And you know what I've found? These people who so many other Christian's deem "bad" or "ungodly" are the very people who made me feel most comfortable and accepted. They are the ones I wanted to call up at night if I was feeling down. They are the ones who made me laugh. They brought joy to my life. I trust them. I love them. I have a hard time neglecting people who make me feel alive. And just because their lifestyles aren't like mine or I don't agree with everything they do (I don't do well around a large group drinking alcohol, I can't focus and start sweating and feeling like I'm going to have to drive everyone home, just a heads up :p ) doesn't make them bad people who aren't worthy of my friendship because they may not be Christians. And believe it or not, many of these people were Christians and loved the Lord very much. (And just to clarify, I am not against drinking or gay people. I don't want my words to be construed as that. I'm sure you already all know this but in case someone doesn't. I am against drugs though, I will put that out there. Don't do drugs, kids!)
Just last week I was in my Women and Gender Studies class and two individuals blatantly told the class they were atheists. My heart broke. I wanted to tell them about Jesus. I wanted to tell them about how much he loved them and how fulfilled their lives would be if they let him into their heart. Of course I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them of the nights I was laying in bed crying and all of a sudden I felt overwhelming peace and I cried and whispered "thank you Jesus." I wanted to tell them how my life only has meaning because of Jesus. I wanted to so bad. I've been in class with these people for a whole semester now, I never really agreed with anything they said. I often felt attacked by them because I could tell they had contempt for Christianity. They never said anything directly to me, actually, whenever we got into a discussion they were always very respectable towards me and what I believed in. I never announced to the class I was a Christian, I like to think my actions show my beliefs. I mentioned church a few times, so I'm sure they put it together. What killed me about this whole situation was that I could tell that they didn't believe in Christianity because they had been deemed "bad" by the church or religious family members. I hate that. I hate that so much. I know several people who have left Christianity and the church because people won't accept them for who they are. I hate it because Christianity is about love. God is love. They're synonymous. We as Christians are called to love. If we are pushing out these "bad" people because they aren't following our rules of what we think is a Christian, how do we ever expect them to come back and find that love and eternal peace in the Lord? It makes me so incredibly sad. I just wish I could've possibly shown those people some type of love. My shyness prevents me from doing so most of the time.
I struggle on a daily basis with this. I never want anyone to think of me or any other Christian as a crazy person who hates anything that doesn't love Jesus. Of course as Christians we want you to love Jesus. I would love for every breathing being on this Earth to love Jesus. He's brought me so much joy and love and he's the only reason my life has meaning. But if someone doesn't believe in Jesus, I don't believe it's wrong to be friends with them. I don't think it's bad if you fall in love with someone who doesn't know Jesus. I can already hear people's heads shaking at me at that statement, but I believe it. I don't like to share my beliefs sometimes because I never want it to feel like I'm shoving it down your throat or think I'm better than you. Because I do not want to shove anything down your throat and I do not think I am better than you, or anyone.
And I also wanted to say that just because someone isn't shouting Jesus' name from the rooftops every time you see them doesn't mean they don't love Jesus. I am very quiet with my relationship with Jesus. I am not ashamed of it, I will gladly talk to you about religion and Christ's love. I just think we should remember that some people are introverts, where we thrive off private one-on-one conversation and aren't comfortable in large groups. My relationship with Jesus is between me and him, no one else. You don't know how much the name Jesus shines as bright as a neon sign in someone's heart.
I think all I'm trying to say is to have an open heart. Love everyone. That's what Christ called us here for. We aren't here to judge. I'm only here to love and show friendship and compassion to others. I know I'm very quiet and don't voice my opinions and beliefs too much, but I felt compelled to write this. I don't do it as wagging fingers or saying "look at me!" I only write this because over the past two years I've noticed this heavily in my life. I've noticed an absence of the love that I feel like we should be spreading.
I hope you have a good night, and thank you for reading.
-Rachel xx
