Recently I've come to the realization that I occupy too much of my time wondering if I could be doing something more, wondering if I am being a good enough person. I worry if the things I do and say will come off strange to others. I'm so tired of all this worrying and I'm learning to embrace all of the things about me that make me, me. I'm embracing the things that make me feel alive.
In no particular order, here is a list of things that I love and make me feel alive. I plan to fill my summer with all of these things.
Clothes. Clothes. Clothes.
I am a Goodwill/Thrift/Antique store addict. I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Buying clothes from a normal store seems so foreign to me now. There's just something about thumbing through pre-loved clothes and then putting them on. It's like you're carrying on a tradition with people you don't even know.
I found these clog-like heels from Cato and about died right there in the store. I went in there looking for something completely different and then I spotted these babies. I love Cato because they always have shoes in my size. Not everyone in the world is a dainty size 7! This girl needs 10s! Anywho, as soon as I slipped into these, they fit like a dream and I felt like a 70s dream queen. (Very lame reference, but hey, it's what I felt!)
Cameras.
Ever since I finished my photography class I've become a camera hoarder. In class, we developed our own film and got to take some of the most amazing photos. The whole photographic process amazes me. When class ended and I had to give back my little 35mm camera my professor loaned us, I felt empty. I had to use this little gadget for months and now it's gone. I told myself I'd continue taking photos and thankfully with a little help from my mom, that little promise is continuing. My mom found a bunch of our old 35mm film cameras and gave them to me. (See, being a hoarder isn't always bad!) The only one of these cameras that I went out and bought was the pink Fujifilm Instax (pictured in the middle) and the rest were ones that were resting around my house that I revived with fresh batteries and film. I know we have our cellphones that we can take pictures with now, but it really isn't the same. Hearing an actual shutter click is so much more satisfying than that digitized sound my iPhone makes. Cameras and photos remind me of my childhood. I was always that creepy kid who secretly wanted to look through everyone's photo albums even if I didn't know who they were. I loved pictures of people and I loved cameras. To this day I just want to photograph people for sentimental reasons.
If any of you are curious, the cameras pictured here are Minolta Maxxum 400si, Samsung SL605, Panorama (no other words listed on this camera haha!), Fujifilm Instax Mini 8, Olympus Camedia D-100, Kodak S Series S350, Kodak Instamatic X-15F, and Polaroid 470 AF. All are 35mm film except for the Samsung, Fujifilm, Olympus and Instamatic.
Drawing.
A year ago if you told me I'd be primarily drawing in charcoals/conte crayons I'd laugh at you. I was so strict on only using pencil for the longest time. I had to use charcoal and conte for class and fell in love. I love drawing people. I love it so much. Love doesn't seem like a strong enough word for how I feel about it. I zone out when I draw people. If I'm stressed, I can draw and suddenly all of my stress is gone. I just rub the charcoal stick against the paper and blend until I realize I haven't come up for air in a while. I love drawing people and carving out their face with my hands. I've noticed that I mainly draw for therapeutic reasons. Most of the time I cuddle up in bed with my conte crayons and start drawing a face until my hands hurt. I used to never want to say that I was an artist, I always put the word "aspiring" in front of the word because I didn't feel worthy enough to be called an artist. I'm stopping that right now. I am an artist. I may not be making a living off my art but it's the one thing in my life that makes me feel like I have some kind of purpose. It's how I get emotion out and how I express my feelings towards people. I may not be a Albrecht Durer but the fire in our heart for our craft is the same. I thank God everyday he made me this way.
Writing.
It is so important to write. I let myself believe for the longest time that being a creative soul was something to be ashamed of. I hated that I wanted to write about people. I hated that I wanted to draw people. I didn't want to be pigeonholed as a portrait artist. But let me tell you, writing about people and drawing people makes me feel so alive. So alive. They are both silent messages that they'll never see, but knowing it's out in the open and not sitting in my head is an immense relief. I try to write every single day. I keep about five journals at a time, all for different things. One for my poems, one for poems/songs by others that inspire me, a dream journal, a Biblical journal, and a daily journal. I know that's excessive but it helps me organize my thoughts. I think it's important to let yourself create and write without putting up any barriers. I've written poems about people I saw for 30 seconds and never saw again. I write down my weird dreams about me hanging out with David Spade at my Granny's house. I write down the weirdly magical real life things that happen. (like winning Weird Al tickets today!) Don't inhibit yourself from creating. Even if they're just silly love poems you write in a journal and never look at again, let it out!
Books.
I hated reading in school. I hated that we had to read books to earn points for a grade. I know it wasn't going to hinder us if we read a book, but ugh! I hated it so much. It wasn't until I went to college that I found myself reading for pleasure. Once no one was requiring me to read anything I started reading more. I plan to read bunches of books this summer. I am trying to find things to do outside of my phone. I've already finished one, Enter Whining by Fran Drescher. If you love The Nanny I recommend you read it. Another stupid thought of mine, I felt ashamed that all I ever wanted to read were biographies/autobiographies. As I'm getting older I'm realizing that I am endlessly fascinated by people, I draw people, I write about people, I love people. I've been this way my whole life. Even when I was a child and would cry if someone looked at me, I remember having a faint curiosity about people. Again, I'm learning to let myself be myself and accepting this.
These are the ones I'm currently working on, I'm With the Band: Confessions of a Groupie by Pamela Des Barres - I cried reading this. Miss Pamela lived a lifestyle with no regrets and I've never encountered anyone with a mindset that as similar to mine as hers is. Like I said, I read the first few pages of this book and it was like she was reading my own thoughts. I want to meet her and shake her hand. I am so enthralled with her heart and love for life. I cried so hard. I love this book so much. It gets a bit explicit in parts (she was a groupie, after all, and is sparing no details) but it is so extremely interesting and if you are a music fan I would highly recommend it. I feel teary eyed thinking about it right now.
The second is Just Kids by Patti Smith. I honestly have no idea what this book is about. It got good reviews on Amazon and I heard it was about her relationship with Robert Maplethorpe, an artist who I vividly remember and wanted to look more into. Again, I am curious about people and want to know more about their lives.
The third is Hold Still by Sally Mann. Sally is one of my all time favorite photographers and I am endlessly inspired by her. I've seen both her documentaries and thumbed through all of her photography books. My professor recommended this as a summer read and I am so thrilled to read about Mann's life. I'll probably cry reading this one, too. I'll keep you updated.
The fourth is a book I checked out from the library called All the Odes by Pablo Neruda. Neruda is one of my favorite poets. That man's use of words is magical. He describes the most mundane things and makes them sound beautiful. One of my all time favorite poems of his is "Tonight I Write the Saddest Lines." Please take the time to read it. He is so immensely talented and I am going to be so sad when I have to return this book to the library.
The last is a Rolling Stone magazine/book from 1979 about the original Saturday Night Live cast that I found in a basket on the floor in an antique shop. I'm thumbing through it right now and I can already feel my tears swelling up. I feel like people often wonder why I feel such a strong connection to SNL. I honestly don't know. The only thing I can come to is that my dad used to tell me jokes as a kid that I thought he made up on his own, then when I discovered SNL I realized all the jokes he told me were some of Mike Myer's one-liners among others. I've also always wanted to be an actress and used to make up skits with my sister, so seeing adults jumping around like I did when I was a little girl is inspiring. I could go on for days, but I've already talked your ear off.
Music.
I think my record collection is going to be the closest thing I have to children until I actually have children. I would protect these little vinyl disks with my life. Music has always been important to me. I can't play any instruments and can't sing worth anything, but that doesn't stop me from belting out a tune in my car. I used to like music just for the beat, but recently I've been paying more attention to the words. I love how a song can make you feel emotions you didn't know were possible. I went to a free Keith Urban concert last month. He started singing a song called "Blue Ain't Your Color," and I found myself staring up at the sky smiling and thanking God I was alive. It's insane how music can make you do that. I had no control. There are so many types of music for so many different emotions and people. Isn't that amazing? An Elvis song just started playing on my Spotify as I am typing this and it changed my whole mood. How magical is that?! Music can speak when you can't. These people who you don't even know are going through the same thing as we are and are able to put it out into the world for us so we don't feel so alone.
Water.
This may seem a little stupid, but honestly, water is seriously a magic drink. I am a hardcore Pepsi chugger, it's a comfort drink for me. I used to drink one a day when I was at school. I read Kate Hudson's Pretty Happy where she mentioned how important water is and how what you put into your body affects how you feel. I had heard this all my life but ignored it. I decided to not drink Pepsi for a week, then two weeks. I genuinely felt so much better. Every time I craved a Pepsi, I'd drink tea or water. I'd limit myself to one Pepsi a week. I notice I don't crave soft drinks as much as I used to. My body is always wanting water now. The other week I was practicing tennis for the first time in months and I had to stop playing because I felt dizzy. I hadn't been drinking water like I should have been. I hydrated the day and night before my tennis match the next day and didn't get dizzy at all. Isn't Earth's magic juice great? I can't drink water with tacos though. You definitely need something fizzy to wash down that five-layer burrito.
-Rachel xx
