I have a bone to pick with this sentiment.
As someone who has struggled with a lot of self-doubt, a lot of insecurities, a lot of emotions, and a lot of self-hate, hearing "no one will love you unless you love yourself" always made me feel worse about the situation I was dealing with. I understand those who said it to me meant no harm by it. I understand the intention around the phrase, I get it. But saying it to an emotionally-broken person, it can be haunting to their overall self image.
I've said it in many blogs before and probably to many of you in person; I'm getting close to a decade of being single. My first (and only) boyfriend was when I was barely a teenager. He was sweet as can be and I'll always have a soft spot for him. He was always so loving toward me even though I had trouble giving that love back to him. He would try so hard to look me in my eyes and talk to me during lunch, but I was so shy that I just looked at my friends or stared at my tray of uneaten food. Even as an adult I feel terrible about it still. (And I doubt you're reading this, but if you are, this is my apology. I truly did like you more than those chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes I stared at.) I didn't realize it until many years later, but I was dealing with some much bigger demons than I would ever believe. The insecurities that were buried so deep inside my fragile heart was affecting my relationship.
High school came and my fragility was rampant. I could never believe someone actually liked me. I talked to a couple boys throughout the years. Many of them hurt me more than they could imagine, knowing how emotional I am, I know I put too much emphasis on those measly high school crushes. I thought I was feeling true love. I've always been like that. I feel everything 100%. You should see my journals from back then. Love sick puppy on almost every page. But it's strangely comforting to me as an adult, because I haven't changed. I'm still that little puppy who becomes attached to people. As I've grown, I realize it's not always a bad thing. (Even though now my journal has been bare because I have been so worn out with school that when I have free time I use it watching Cheers, ha!)
I have an issue with feeling that I need acceptance from certain people. I tell myself, "if this person thinks I'm so and so, I must be and I will feel better." It's taken me years, but I can now firmly tell myself that it is not true. Someone I had a crush on years ago somewhat recently gave me a compliment that would have sent my 15 year old self into a frenzy. It was so sweet and unexpected. As embarrassing as it sounds, I wrote about him in my journals all the time and all I wanted was for him to tell me he thought I was pretty. (I hate even admitting this, but someone may relate, so that's why I'm posting it.) And he did. He told me more than a simple "pretty." It was overwhelming. And even as a twenty-something year old I was taken aback. But you know what I realized? It didn't change how I felt about myself. I didn't suddenly feel attractive. My problems weren't fixed. I appreciated his sweet words, but they didn't put a band-aid on my problems that were much deeper than a "you're beautiful."
Sometimes I feel like self-hatred gets overlooked by others who have deeper problems. It is also a deep problem, I don't want to call it anxiety because I've never been diagnosed with it and don't like flinging those words around because I know many people who truly struggle with it. I don't really know what it is. It's hard to explain because when you deal with self-hatred and self-doubt, you don't want to talk about yourself because you get mad at yourself because you start feeling selfish. You can't accept compliments completely because you think everyone is lying to you. You assume everyone doesn't like you. You think that no one pays attention to you. You think you're useless. Every move you make you feel like you're in someone's way or annoying someone. You overthink. You think everyone can see that one curl that's not laying like the rest. You feel bad about winning something because you feel like someone else is more deserving. It's consuming. You blame everything on yourself. Especially as a Christian, you feel like doing something for yourself is selfish and you're supposed to be humble and free of oneself. It feels like I'm juggling teddy bears and then they turn into steak knives. I feel good and then things would crash down and hurt.
Back to the "no one will love you unless you love yourself" thing. Hearing this, I automatically thought, "wow, if I don't like myself then I will be single forever because people will see me as broken and no one wants to be with someone who is broken." This is so harmful to someone fragile. It makes them feel unlovable. It points out that I have something wrong that someone else is going to see as undesirable. I would repeat this phrase to myself in hopes it would make me feel better and help me start working on myself. It never helped. I started focusing on the thought that no one will ever love me because I don't know if I can ever completely love myself. But I've realized that people can love you even if you don't love yourself. Their love can't necessarily fix you, but it's not impossible for someone to show you love even when you're struggling. I've recognized recently that there are people out there who love me and support me even though I've been struggling. Some have seemed to cast me off to the side, but the rest have been nothing but supportive. I believe someone can still fall for you even if they have problems they're working through. Heck, I've done it. Your problems don't make you unlovable. You are still just as worthy of love as someone who is secure and happy with themselves.
I'm happy to say that these feelings of self-hatred are becoming more scarce. I am able to do things for myself and not feel selfish. I am taking better care of my thoughts. I'm slowing down and realizing what's really happening so I can reason with my irrational thoughts. I had an amazing counselor who showed me how important that is to do. She genuinely helped me learn to recognize what was making me feel this way and how to take control of it. I have been able to accept compliments better. I have been able to focus on things other than my irrational thoughts. I still hit a few bumps, but it's all a process. It's helped me step out of my comfort zone and do things I didn't think I'd be able to do. I've realized that there are people in my life who are truly supportive of me. I can see it in their eyes when they compliment my art or ask if I'm doing okay. I'm learning to better read that body language. I'm happy to say I don't automatically assume everyone hates me anymore. I can walk into a room without worrying if someone is staring at that one curl at the top of my pony tail that won't lay flat. I've realized I'm worthy of love. You are worthy of love. We are all worthy of love. We need to find those supportive people who lift us up and pay no mind to those who tear us down.
I know who I am. I'm learning to not be afraid of how I feel. I'm learning. I'm growing. I know I will never achieve 100% confidence and security in myself, I still have deeper issues I need to straighten out. But everyday I take one step closer. I'm becoming who I am supposed to be. And her hands will probably be covered in paint and will accidentally scan her Goodwill Rewards card at the gas pump (I totally didn't do this today.)
-Rachel xx
