What a year it has been. In just a few short weeks it'll be 2018, and I usually don't like wishing away the year but I am so ready for a fresh start. I feel like I've been going nonstop for the past five months and I am so ready for a breather.
I started off the year in a weird place. I was very overwhelmed emotionally. I was not able to focus on things I needed to be focusing on. My mind was distant, off somewhere worrying about things I had no control over. (Which has ultimately become the biggest issue in my life that I'm trying to overcome.) All of this worry lead me to seek out counseling, where I discovered all of my negative thoughts and personal/relationship issues all stemmed from myself. My insecure view of myself was what was causing me to overreact and overthink in situations that oftentimes were all constructed in my mind. Such as believing people hated me when there was no evidence to prove that they did or thinking that the way I looked or acted is why I spent most of my nights at home by myself. An overall low view of myself has almost ruined relationships and my own peace of mind. That's a tough pill to swallow. And unfortunately that has followed me throughout this year.
My spring semester was a period of growth. I finished counseling, I was inducted to an honor society, and I became part of a comedy troupe on campus. For the first time in a long time, things were feeling sunshiny and amazing. I wasn't bogged down by insecure thoughts (as much) and I was able to freely feel happy and enjoy my life for the first time in what felt like years.
Summer is where my life began to dramatically transform. I worked on commissions, bringing in some extra cash flow that I hadn't had in a while. I was in my first off-campus art showing. I felt happy and completely myself. I still had a few bumps in the road here and there, but that's normal. I'd rather deal with bumps than a constant stream of less-than-kind thoughts. I felt warm and joyful.
In one of my bumps of cruel thoughts, I decided to forget what was happening and decided to draw. Scrolling through Instagram and some photos I had saved, I saw a portrait of Pamela Des Barres taken by Daniel Vega-Warholy, a photographer out of L.A. that I had been following for about a year prior. I got out my toolbox of art supplies and began working. I was home alone so I was drawing in silence. I was in one of my weird moods, but I kept working. I ended up going to sit outside and listen to it rain as I sat in my hot garage to draw. I began doubting my skill, feeling like the drawing wasn't good and I kept telling myself I wasn't going to post it. I finally finished it, convincing myself to post it since it took me so long to draw it in the first place. I posted it on Instagram and Facebook, tagging Pamela and the photographer, Daniel. I thought nothing of it. I went about my day, occasionally checking to see if it was getting any likes or comments, but other than that I had put it completely out of my mind. That's how a lot of my drawings go, I feel like I need to make it, I make it, then I'm finished and move on. Well, later that night I got a friend request and message from the photographer. I was overjoyed! I had been loving his work for over a year now, I felt excited that he wanted to converse with me and was happy that he saw my work. Well, life is also very funny. And now it's been a little over five months and we are now dating. I'm working on a full post about this, because so much of this relationship has affected me and how my work has developed and how I see myself and so much more, and I know a lot of people in my life are iffy about the situation since it's not conventional. But again, more on that in a future post. But I am very happy. So incredibly happy that a little moment of doubt turned into something so outrageously beautiful.
Even with a new relationship and a lot of amazing things happening to me once the school year began, I was still struggling to keep up this positive self image my counselor helped me develop. I was told to do things for myself, to focus on making sure my needs were met and that I wasn't being down on myself. That's become increasingly hard for me, especially this semester. It has been nonstop school school school since late August. I welcome the busyness, because it reassures me that I'm doing something that is fruitful, but Lord have mercy, am I exhausted.
Let me break it down for those who don't know, up until this week, my school day began at 8am or 10am, and ran nonstop until 5pm. I know, I know "Rachel that is a normal workday, you have to get used to that sometime!" I'm fully aware of this. I'm fully aware I'm going to sound like a complainer. But until you've been in art school and/or taken multiple studio classes that are 2-3 hours in length, you don't realize how stressful it is. I feel like I have been wrung dry and there is not much left in me. Every week there was 3+ projects due. Again, I welcome that busyness because it helped me get into work modes where I would just create create create and there wasn't much time to be lazy or to slack off. But many times it just left me feeling like I had no content left in me. I had become so used to just making work I felt like my professors were wanting me to make. In collage, I tried using things other students were using as source material. In painting, I tried to make paintings on what I thought I was supposed to paint. In drawing, I felt like I couldn't think outside of the box enough to submit work that was worth looking at. In photography, I loved photography but realized that it feels more like a hobby rather than a career option, and I felt guilty for feeling that way.
It took me all semester to realize that I don't need to make work that I feel like my professors want. I needed to start making work I believed was strong. Making things I felt passionate about and work that I was proud to show. By golly, I started doing that and began receiving comments like "this is the best work you've ever done." And these comments were talking about work I had created based of things I enjoyed, or things that I took from my personal life and turned into art. That is where my voice is.
I struggled at the beginning of the semester because some of my work was being called kitschy, and I don't see that as negative but I know some others do. It was hard to separate myself from the comments I received in class. I would dwell on the negative responses rather than the positive ones. And that's detrimental to my mindset. It warped my view of my work. I felt like what I enjoyed doing was sub-par. My interests have always been in pop culture, and more specifically music and 60s/70s culture. I felt like I had to push that aside in order to make good work. But once I started creating work that did have those elements, it was more openly received. Because I wasn't lying. I wasn't hiding my interests. I was in full blown, "yeah this collage is named after a Rolling Stones song. And I don't care if you don't think that is "art." Because it is to me."
It was also a giant relief to hear that this one set of work that I am extremely passionate about was well-received by my mentors for my senior show. (In the spring, holy moly!) They pushed me to take it further. To not let it go. I was told to be selfish, create this work because I need to. Just friggin' do it.
And on a more personal note, I have been struggling with my self image and the way I do things. I have grown up Christian. I am not neglecting those beliefs at all, but sometimes I find myself getting a more religious experience outside of normal religious practices. I'm sitting here listening to Wings and I feel closer to God. Music gets me there, even secular music. I don't really know how to explain it. I still pray and attend church because I honestly do love it, but at times I feel like my life-changing moments are out in the world. It's one of those things I feel awful about because I get afraid that my religious friends and family members are going to start thinking negative things about me due to my practices and the art I create. I am attracted to the human form, I am attracted to making art about the world. I feel like God gave me this talent to speak up about my emotions. I feel like he put certain things in my path so I could learn from them, even if they aren't considered "Godly" things. I started collecting crystals and things of the sort, not that I necessarily believe they will heal me, but because they make me feel peaceful. And when I feel peaceful I feel closer to God. At times I feel like I need to keep up this "Godly" image and censor my work and the way I live. But ultimately this is my life and my decisions. I am aware of what I am doing. I am an adult. I don't think it's right to judge anyone for how they live their life, especially if they aren't hurting anyone by doing what they're doing. Maybe I have a muddied view on Christianity. But after being surrounded by so many beautiful people from different backgrounds, I cannot judge anyone for their beliefs. My God is about love. And I am called here to create art and to spread love. I cannot stop doing that. That mindset isn't going to change.
It was a year of a lot of learning. And I'm still learning. I'm not writing this saying, "I am perfect, I am cured!" I still have a lot of issues I need to iron out. I still don't have that overall positive view of myself. I don't see myself how others see me. I don't really know if I ever will. But I try everyday. I'm working everyday to becoming more and more of the person I know God wants me to be. I'm trying not to feel selfish about doing a few things for myself here and there. I know there are a lot of bumps ahead of me. I'm facing them with open arms. I'm ready to continue creating this work and to continue bettering myself.
And I keep hearing everyone in my life saying, "Don't try, DO!"
I'm doing it. I am bettering myself. I will become stronger.
