Michael.

"Some people try to find love outside themselves... While love is in my heart, love is everywhere." -Michael Jackson

Warning: This post will be quite lengthy! :) 

Five years ago today, my sister, mother & I were about to leave for another night at a Vacation Bible School. (Funny enough, I didn't plan this, but by the time this is posted, it will be almost the exact time we were about to leave that day.) I remember walking around my kitchen & my boyfriend at the time called (or texted, honestly don't remember haha!) & told me Michael Jackson had passed. I was like, "What? No he didn't." Then my mom turned on the TV & there it was. I really didn't understand at the time all that was happening, I was just 13, but I do remember feeling a weird ping in my chest. 

I had never been a huge fan of Michael. I did love his music & have amazing memories of listening to his songs during holidays, especially Christmas, but I had always heard such awful things about him on the news. It seemed like there was never a positive story about the guy. Instead of processing what he was accused of doing or looking it up for myself, (I was pretty young during all of that nonsense, this was way before my computer days) I just believed whatever the news people were shouting. Not going to lie to you, I had a nightmare about him. I basically grew up thinking he was some weird, creepy guy who sang awesome songs. 

But on that day in June five years ago, something changed. I felt like I had to look up stuff about him & learn about his life. I had to know about him. That's one thing about myself that can be a blessing & a curse; if something/someone intrigues me, I have to look them up & I basically study them. Don't ask why, I've always been like that, haha! Everyone was so sad over this man. Even that night at VBS some of my church family acted as if a flame of joy in their lives had been stomped out. Things were weirdly quiet for a while. My favorite radio station was playing all Michael. Things just seemed so, colorless. Which was kind of weird because I had grown up not really caring much for the King of Pop. But once he was gone, I felt like something was missing in me. 

Through my many months of reading about Michael, watching videos, and listening to his music, I finally understood why there was such a widespread sadness when he took his last breath. I had finally learned to form my own opinions about him & not let the stupid media influence my thoughts the way they had when I was younger. This man was no longer a scary monster to me, it began to feel like we had been friends forever. I know that sounds absolutely crazy. I began to feel that I had lost a friend. I instantly regretted all of those years where I was scared of him. All of the news stories about things he supposedly did or whatever, just seemed, for lack of a better word, complete crap to me. I couldn't see this man who had done so much good for the world & be such a light be slapped with all of these preposterous labels. Even to this day I get upset when I hear people say cruel things about him. And I know that I've already said it, but I am so upset with myself that I believed everything the news told me all those years. I can't believe I waited to learn about him until the day he passed away. I know that's probably ridiculous to say but it's true.

No artist has ever made me happier or made me cry harder. You know how certain songs or musicians make you feel instantly happy & you begin feeling all tingly inside? (I know, cliche saying) That's how Michael makes me feel. I could literally listen to that sweet voice all day long and never get tired. His music oozes so much positivity, love, & hope it's so inspiring. I've spent countless hours watching old videos of him at home playing with his kids or just having a good time, they are so sweet & make me laugh & cry. When I look at him, I see such a beautiful soul, someone with a giant heart, someone who never got the chance to be a kid, someone who would do anything to make someone happy, someone who loved with every fiber of his being, someone who used his God-given talents to his full ability, someone who could dance like no one else, but most of all, someone who was misunderstood. That's what breaks my heart the most. I wish people would've given him more of a chance in his life, I wish I would have. 

Here's to you, Michael. Thank you for spreading your light to this world. Thank you for your big heart and creativity that inspires me every single day. You were the first artist whose music brought me to tears. (That MJ Cirque du Soleil was rough, man. I've never shed that many tears or felt like I was about to become an emotional wreck at a concert in my life.) I feel like this is all jumbled & doesn't make much sense, but just, thank you. I know you're 100% happy now. Don't ask me how, but sometimes you just feel things, & I know there is such a giant smile on your face right now. 

Some of my all time favorite songs by Michael:
Slave to the Rhythm | Xscape | Do You Know Where Your Children Are? | Hold My Hand | (I Like) The Way That You Love Me | Best of Joy | Earth Song | She's Out of My Life | Black or White | Planet Earth (Poem) | This Is It | Butterflies | You Are My Life | Blood On The Dancefloor | Heal the World | Remember the Time | Gone Too Soon | Will You Be There | The Girl is Mine ft. Paul McCartney | Human Nature | Ben | You Are Not Alone | Leave Me Alone | You Can't Win (from The Wiz) | Whatzupwitu Eddie Murphy ft. Michael  (go watch this if you don't listen to any other one of these! will definitely make you smile!) 
There are so many more & so many other things I could say, but I'll leave this here. :)

-Rachel xx