1989.

Today has been a monumental day for one of my heroes.

Her fifth album, 1989 came out today. Ever since I woke up this morning I just wanted to run out to Target and get my hands on it. And guess what my impulsive self did,

Sorry this is flipped. :p

 

 

 

I've been a devoted Swiftie for years now. I remember seeing a girl wearing a Taylor shirt at school and thinking it was Carrie Underwood. (Don't even ask.) It was a t-shirt from her very first album.

 

That girl on that t-shirt became one of my biggest inspirations. Seeing a tall, curly-haired girl be successful and live her dreams was just amazing. I remember sitting on the couch for hours watching her music videos and tour videos. I listened to her songs on repeat all the time. I remember the first time I bought one of her albums. It was Fearless, I bought it with my own money around Thanksgiving and was so excited. My mom let me listen to it on the way home from South Carolina. I always loved listening to the country-based music and the beautiful words Taylor wrote. I remember asking if anyone would let me have their copy of Taylor Swift because I didn't have any cash to buy it. (I finally bought it myself. Don't worry,  I didn't steal anyone's CD.)

 

I now have all of her albums. I've seen her in concert twice. I know every word to every song. I have spent so many hours in my room and in my car singing along to her songs. I smelled like "Wonderstruck" my whole freshman year of high school. I remember when I first saw her in concert and just stared in awe of how amazing of a performer she is. I remember seeing her on the Red Tour with Bre and crying once the lights went down. I danced and sang at the top of my lungs. (I ruined all of my concert videos because all you can hear on them is me singing like a dragon.) Her songs have always helped me through situations in my life. I am so happy that there are now 16 new songs to add to that list.

 

 

This beauty. THIS BEAUTY. First things first, I am in love with the design of the album. The "1989" written in a marker just makes the album seem personal. It's like, "hey I made this for you." I love it. It's like a mixtape or something. I just like how it's not like, "hey I'm polished and perfect." It looks so personal like I just snapped that picture of Taylor while we were goofing around playing photoshoot. (We all did that and you know it.) I just love the personality.

 

 

 

The inside of the album is just beautiful. The font of the song titles in the booklet is so cool. It's like neon lights. How rad. There are still secret messages in the lyrics like always. But in this album there's a little yellow pocket of polaroids with lyrics on them. Let's have a look see.

 

 

 

 

 

How fun are these?! They feel like old family photos to me. I feel like we are on the adventure with her and it's absolutely wonderful. The lyrics are handwritten at the bottom of the polaroids and it's just so cool. I love it. One of the polaroids was taken a day after my birthday and I had a momentary freak out. (I'm okay now.)

 

 

Now let's get to them tunes!

 

First, I just wanted to say that "Shake It Off" makes me cry every time I hear it when driving home from school. That song has helped me through college and all of this crazy transition.

 

If you're looking for Taylor's country-esque sounds and slow banjo solos, this isn't your album. But don't let that scare you away. There is still the Taylor Swift stamp on it. It still sounds like her. This album is pop, and it's fantastic. I'm listening to it as I'm writing this and it's beautiful. Her song-writing skills are heaven-sent. God definitely blessed that girl with a way with words. It tugs at your heart strings and can make you dance at the same time. It's lovely. I love her vocabulary. I feel like when some people hear "pop music" they think of cheesy, teeny-bopper tunes, but this is definitely not that. The lyrics make you think and bob your head. I just love it so much. I just want to run door to door in my dorm building right now and slip them a copy of the album under their door. It's that good.

 

I know all of this is coming from a huge TSwizzle fan, but seriously, listen to this album if you are a fan or if you're not a fan. I'm sure you'll find one thing that you like. It's that good. Like, if this album played as the background music of my life for the rest of my life I'd be completely okay with that.

 

My current favorite on the album is "Style, and "You Are In Love," though I'm sure that'll change as I listen to the rest of the songs. They're that good.

 

My ultimate dream is to meet Taylor and tell her these things. Tell her all the stories. Tell her how many times I cried listening to her songs and how many times I danced by myself in my bedroom to them. How much she felt like the best friend I never really had. Thank her for understanding even though she doesn't know me. One day I know it'll happen. I have a good feeling someday it will.

 

But for now, I'll listen to 1989 on repeat until I am 89.

 

 

"I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me." Favorite lyric on the album so far.

Rachel xx

 

(p.s. I recommend getting the deluxe version of the album if you can. There are bonus tracks and 3 voice memos of when she first thought of the songs. It's like she's talking to you and it's wonderful.)

 

#ILoveWhoIAmBecause

I was watching Dancing With the Stars tonight when one of my favorites, Bethany Mota, came on. I've loved her for years now and I still get so happy when I see her bright smile on my TV screen.

This week the stars had to think of the most memorable moment in their life. Bethany's was when she began her YouTube channel after years of being bullied and feeling insecure about herself.

I really identified with her story and felt like I should share mine.

I don't really remember when I became aware of my appearance and starting becoming insecure. I believe it was in fourth grade after a not-so-kind comment made by one of my classmates. He kind of said it in a joking way, but I remember I kept thinking about it days later, and even years after. I never really thought about my looks, especially how my face looked, and that's what his comment was about.

Middle school was the time when my insecurity hit me like a freight train. I really wanted to be in the "scene" look. I had gone from wearing pink and other bright colors in elementary school to craving a closet full of band shirts and skinny jeans. I wanted bangs and wanted to wear dark makeup. Well, I got some band shirts. I got some skinny jeans. I got bangs. (Still gagging over those.) And I invested in some hip Mary-Kate & Ashley glittery black eye shadow. Even though at the time I felt like I had found myself, looking back I know I really hadn't. I wore tight band shirts, skinny jeans, and converse. I straightened the heck out of my bangs and never wore my hair down. I wore black eye shadow and got asked if I had a black eye. (That was the end of the black eye shadow.) I felt pretty happy for sixth and seventh grade. Eighth grade, oh eighth grade....

Eighth grade started out pretty swell. I had lots of friends and even got my first boyfriend. I felt like my life was perfect. That year, I lost a lot of friends. I didn't have a boyfriend anymore. I got braces and talked with a lisp for about three months. It took me a while to get back up on my feet. I finally did and had a great time in eighth grade, until one of my old friend's boyfriends, well, to save you from  a long story, basically called me ugly.

This little comment from a stupid guy who I had never even met screwed with me. I was upset for a long time. I never really told anyone about it. I was even more upset my friend didn't seem to really care that he said that about me. I started feeling ugly. I'd cover my mouth when I smiled or laughed, I made sure my bangs covered most of my face. I just felt awkward and like I didn't really belong.

High school hit. I was really excited, but felt like a little fish in a big pond. I had friends and everything, but I still had this lonely feeling. Many things happened freshman year. I lost friends. I made new ones. I was infatuated with this one guy. I had plenty of happy times, but a lot of my insecure thoughts and lack of confidence crept up and attacked me numerous times throughout my high school days.

I had often felt like I lived in the shadow of my big sister. She always had boyfriends, people had crushes on her, I felt like everyone absolutely adored her and I was just, there. She was so small and pretty, I felt huge and ugly. I stood at a towering 5'8, which was quite a few inches more than everyone else in my class. I just felt, huge. I was always jealous of my sister, everyone would tell me "your sister is so pretty!" and things along those lines. Which are true things, she is gorgeous and a fun person to be around, but hearing that, especially when I was feeling like I wasn't cared about, was like a dagger through the heart. And I can't even tell you how many people told me that about her, and a lot of guys would ask me if she was single and things along those lines. Which was also something not very comforting for me to hear.

It felt like everyone around me was dating. Everyone had crushes on each other. People had crushes on all my friends. People were going on dates and hanging out with guys. I hadn't had a boyfriend since eighth grade. I thought something was wrong with me. Why were all these other girls and my friends have boyfriends and boys chasing them and I didn't? Was I ugly? Was it because I was tall? Did people think I was mean? Just, why? Why was I the one giving boy advice and helping other people through relationships but I was just, sitting there by myself. I didn't get it. Maybe I just wasn't pretty enough.

Yes, there were a couple guys that seemed to show some interest in me. But I'm just going to rip off the Band-Aid here, I was played more times than I like t think about. I gave so much time and attention to some people who treated me like trash. I wasn't respected. I was just happy I was getting some type of attention. The questioning began again. Am I ugly? What's wrong with me? Why?

I can't really explain how I felt in words. I'm a pro-overthinker. My mind was eating me alive. I literally felt like scum. I looked at other girls and wished I was them. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be little with straight hair and perfect teeth. I wanted boys to fall in love with me. I wanted this attention. But here I was. A girl with outrageous curly hair that was always in a bun or a braid, with a tall lanky build, and braces. Everyone else just seemed so mature. I still felt like I was in fifth grade.

There was a day sophomore year that literally pains me to talk about. I remember bottling up all of these emotions for so long. I never told anyone how awful I felt about myself. I never admitted to hating myself. Everyone's compliments of me went in one ear and out the other. The judgmental looks/snarky comments towards me are what stuck. I couldn't take it anymore. My mind was going to kill me. I went to tennis this particular afternoon. I remember walking on the court and doubting everything. Why was I here? Did anybody even really care? What would people do if I wasn't here? I remember just staring into the sky and wondering all of these things. One of my teammates made a joke (like we always did, we were a very sarcastic/jokey team) at me, I blew up. I walked off the court and sat on a bench and cried. People kept asking me what was wrong. I just wanted to leave. I didn't want to admit that I felt like everyone hated me and that I hated myself. I didn't want to admit that I was jealous of literally everyone I knew. I remember going home that night and just crying. I felt like I had lost all hope. I still felt like no one understood. My faith, my precious faith had felt like a lie. I didn't know what to do.

That summer, I went to church camp. I was still feeling these things. I still felt ugly. I remember even being nervous that I had to wake up with everyone in my youth group and that they might see me without makeup on. It terrified me. And these were people that I knew wouldn't judge me, but I still felt like seeing me like this would change their opinion of me.

That same time at church camp, I had the most wonderful camp counselor in the world. I remember being so excited to go to his class and do activities with him and other campers. I felt like he understood. Finally,someone who understood me and he didn't even  know it.

That night. That beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, beautiful, beautiful night. The people running the camp were playing "God of This City" and I burst into tears. Everything I had worried about for the past couple years felt lifted. I felt, I can't describe. That's something you don't know how it feels until you feel it. I went up to my camp counselor and he gave me the biggest hug that anyone has ever given me. I never felt so loved by someone I had only known for a few days. He asked me how I was feeling, I couldn't even get words out, I just remember crying. He prayed for me. I will never ever forget that moment. For the first time in years, I wasn't thinking of how I looked, I wasn't worried what people thought of me as I went to the front of the room into my counselors arms. I just, I felt like someone understood me. Someone was there that knew exactly what I was going through. My hope came back that night. That was the night I decided to get baptized.

Months after camp, I still felt hopeful. But I eventually fell back into my old ways of thinking. I felt ugly and unwanted again. I felt like an outcast. Some of the unkind comments came back and haunted me. I started taking people's little innocent jokes towards me as insults. I hated how poofy my hair was, I hated my big nose, I hated my tallness, I hated my small chest, I hated how small my teeth were. Literally  every little miniscule thing about me, I would stare at and hate. I even hated sitting beside people because I thought they would look at my profile and notice how bumped my nose was. It was an absolutely a pathetic way of life I was slowly crawling back in to.

Senior year of high school came. Things started happening. I tried to shed all of these hateful feelings towards myself. I started wearing less makeup. I wore my hair down. I wore clothes I liked. I tried to think positive and focus on things besides my looks. I tried to talk to more people. Something happened that year. My little shell began chipping away. That tall, curly headed girl was accepting herself. She no longer looked in the mirror and said, "who could love this face?" she said, "this is me and I'm happy."

Now that I'm in college, I've found myself. I found that girl who was there that night of church camp again. I found that looks aren't everything. I found that I'm not ugly. I found the people in my life that really matter and who really care for me. I found that all because you're single doesn't mean you will be forever. And yeah, there are days still where I feel ugly. A lot of them. There are days where I am tempted to take scissors to my head and chop these Ramen noodles off my head. But this is me. This is who I'm supposed to be. I'm made this way for a reason.

#ILoveWhoIAmBecause
I can make people laugh. I can reach things off top shelves. I love too hard. I like to scrapbook. I love my legs. I can draw. I love to dance even though I'm bad at it. I've stayed true to myself all my life, even though I've been tempted not to a couple times. I'm a good listener. I never have to use volumizing shampoo. I like my eyes. I love the way I dress.

All I'm trying to say is that that girl who broke down sophomore year of high school because of insecurities, was just rolling on the floor, with messed up hair and worn-off makeup, laughing and feeling truly happy. Things do get better. Things become happy again. Don't beat yourself up. Take tons of selfies. Compliment other people. Be nice. Make yourself some hot chocolate. Put on makeup and feel good about yourself, but then take it off and feel even better about yourself. You're awesome.

 

 

 

Be kind to yourself.

Love your curly headed art major who just ate a whole footlong Subway sandwich,

Rachel xx

Dorm Tour.

I promised this ages ago. Forgive me for just now getting to it!

So, as most of you all know, I'm now in college. My first day here was August 21st, so I've been here for well over a month now. It really doesn't seem like that short of a time, I feel like it's been a zillion times longer. But anyway...

When I first found out that I was going to be attending university, I immediately thought of my dorm. I couldn't wait to decorate it and make it super homey. That was my main goal, make the dorm homey so you won't get so homesick. Thankfully, that thought has helped me a great deal in living here. I do go home every weekend (I don't live far from home at all, really) but it's nice to have a "home away from home" of some sorts.

Here are some pictures of this "home away from home."

 

You can click on the pictures to enlarge!

 

 

This is what's always on my desk, so I can just pick it up and run to my classes. I don't carry a wallet, just a little Vera Bradley keychain wallet thing to hold my school ID & such. Carrying this to class is so much easier than lugging a purse around. Oh, and funny story, that Hello Kitty clock was my alarm clock, but I knocked it off my desk about three times. It no longer works as an alarm clock, or keeps time. ):

 

 

 

This is where I do all of my assignments. "Organized Chaos" is an appropriate term to describe this area. Everything has its place, but it's kind of tossed around a bit. I keep sticky notes at the top of my desk to remind myself of assignments and other tasks I need to complete. I have my planner that my university gave me, and I actually have another planner underneath my laptop. I like having multiple planners, I have a monthly planner (under the laptop), a weekly planner (pictured), and I keep a monthly/weekly planner in my backpack so I can write down assignments and due dates while I'm in class. Having three keeps me together, haha! And of course a remote control for our TV and an umbrella in case it rains. I don't know what kind of laptop I have, all I know it's an HP with Windows 8 on it. (I'm an art major, not a computer person, haha!) And I was watching one of my favorite Youtubers/Bloggers, Zoe Sugg in this picture, who actually has a blog that is phenomenal and is the one who inspired me to write a blog and make YouTube videos. (Still trying to fork up the courage to make a video, I'm working on that!)

 

(Not Pictured)
There are 4 drawers in the desk, three down the right side and one long one that takes up the remainder of the desk. The long drawer is full of odds and ends, mainly papers and decorations I didn't hang up. The other three drawers are as follows: #1 Emergency Drawer (medicines, band-aids, lint roller, etc). #2 Makeup/Toiletry Drawer #3 Textbook/Paper Drawer.

 

 

Here are a few other things that adorn my desk.
I keep my makeup in this little plastic organizer I found at Home Goods. I don't wear that much makeup, so I only put daily essentials on my desk.
I keep my pencils and pens in these plastic party cups I got at Walmart. The one in the back is a One Direction cup and the one in the front is a My Little Pony cup. They actually hold lots of pencils and pens so they're handy and adorable a the same time! :)

This little angel was a graduation gift from one of my middle school teachers. I keep it in front of everything as a reminder of peace. Everytime I look at it, I think of something or someone different, so it's very comforting to me.

My desk wall is a smorgasbord of different inspirational quotes/pictures and whatnot. The picture to the left is a picture I took at the One Direction concert, I drew the one of Harry and me, the cartoon of Little Mix (bottom one with four girls) is a drawing from a very talented girl on Tumblr, then there's a frolicking Harry Styles, the "Stop Being So Cute" picture of Perrie Edwards and Jesy Nelson from Little Mix, and a picture of my Grandma with Santa that I just adore. And the others are pretty self-explanatory. It keeps me sane while doing homework assignments to look up and see things that make you happy.

Above my desk is where my printer lives. On top of my printer, I have some printing paper, a book for class, a journal, and a Marie plushie that my cousin got me for graduation. Beside the printer, I have my desk lamp, a mirror, a jewelry box, a little Andy Warhol, a picture of my mom and me, and a little pink dolphin I got in a Happy Meal. The little white board above my desk is where I write my "things to get" type lists. This is the neatest part of my whole room, it's been over a month and it still looks as clean as this picture shows haha.Oh! And a cool thing about the desk lamp is that it has little containers for holding things in it, and it also has a outlet on the base, so I can charge my phone while I'm working. Loooooove it.



 

 



This is my décor and "it's gonna be okay" wall.

I decorated my side of the room with things that made me happy. The flower garland streamed across the upper wall of my little corner is homemade. I cut flowers out of scrapbook paper and then glued pictures in the middle of the flowers, then taped them onto a beaded string my mom had. I love it because it's a great way to have a ton of pictures up without them cluttering the wall too much.

The R is from World Market and the little Volkswagen Van metal sign is from Hobby Lobby. They're probably my favorite decorations I have in my room.

 

The "it's gonna be okay" wall is where I put up all of the things that make me happy. There's quotes, pictures, celebrities, bible verses, everything. I've added so many more things to it since I took these pictures, they're covered now! I made the dream catcher in one of my high school art classes. I keep it by my bed and it really calms me down if I'm feeling a little stressed. Above the dream catcher is a picture of my cousin Laura and me when I was in the Prom Fashion Show at school. She's like my sister/bestfriend/biggest motivator so I like to keep her up there! :)

 

 

This is my dorm. It's very comfortable and homey and I absolutely love it. It's really soothing to know that I can come back somewhere where I don't feel uncomfortable. <3

 

xx Rachel