#ILoveWhoIAmBecause

I was watching Dancing With the Stars tonight when one of my favorites, Bethany Mota, came on. I've loved her for years now and I still get so happy when I see her bright smile on my TV screen.

This week the stars had to think of the most memorable moment in their life. Bethany's was when she began her YouTube channel after years of being bullied and feeling insecure about herself.

I really identified with her story and felt like I should share mine.

I don't really remember when I became aware of my appearance and starting becoming insecure. I believe it was in fourth grade after a not-so-kind comment made by one of my classmates. He kind of said it in a joking way, but I remember I kept thinking about it days later, and even years after. I never really thought about my looks, especially how my face looked, and that's what his comment was about.

Middle school was the time when my insecurity hit me like a freight train. I really wanted to be in the "scene" look. I had gone from wearing pink and other bright colors in elementary school to craving a closet full of band shirts and skinny jeans. I wanted bangs and wanted to wear dark makeup. Well, I got some band shirts. I got some skinny jeans. I got bangs. (Still gagging over those.) And I invested in some hip Mary-Kate & Ashley glittery black eye shadow. Even though at the time I felt like I had found myself, looking back I know I really hadn't. I wore tight band shirts, skinny jeans, and converse. I straightened the heck out of my bangs and never wore my hair down. I wore black eye shadow and got asked if I had a black eye. (That was the end of the black eye shadow.) I felt pretty happy for sixth and seventh grade. Eighth grade, oh eighth grade....

Eighth grade started out pretty swell. I had lots of friends and even got my first boyfriend. I felt like my life was perfect. That year, I lost a lot of friends. I didn't have a boyfriend anymore. I got braces and talked with a lisp for about three months. It took me a while to get back up on my feet. I finally did and had a great time in eighth grade, until one of my old friend's boyfriends, well, to save you from  a long story, basically called me ugly.

This little comment from a stupid guy who I had never even met screwed with me. I was upset for a long time. I never really told anyone about it. I was even more upset my friend didn't seem to really care that he said that about me. I started feeling ugly. I'd cover my mouth when I smiled or laughed, I made sure my bangs covered most of my face. I just felt awkward and like I didn't really belong.

High school hit. I was really excited, but felt like a little fish in a big pond. I had friends and everything, but I still had this lonely feeling. Many things happened freshman year. I lost friends. I made new ones. I was infatuated with this one guy. I had plenty of happy times, but a lot of my insecure thoughts and lack of confidence crept up and attacked me numerous times throughout my high school days.

I had often felt like I lived in the shadow of my big sister. She always had boyfriends, people had crushes on her, I felt like everyone absolutely adored her and I was just, there. She was so small and pretty, I felt huge and ugly. I stood at a towering 5'8, which was quite a few inches more than everyone else in my class. I just felt, huge. I was always jealous of my sister, everyone would tell me "your sister is so pretty!" and things along those lines. Which are true things, she is gorgeous and a fun person to be around, but hearing that, especially when I was feeling like I wasn't cared about, was like a dagger through the heart. And I can't even tell you how many people told me that about her, and a lot of guys would ask me if she was single and things along those lines. Which was also something not very comforting for me to hear.

It felt like everyone around me was dating. Everyone had crushes on each other. People had crushes on all my friends. People were going on dates and hanging out with guys. I hadn't had a boyfriend since eighth grade. I thought something was wrong with me. Why were all these other girls and my friends have boyfriends and boys chasing them and I didn't? Was I ugly? Was it because I was tall? Did people think I was mean? Just, why? Why was I the one giving boy advice and helping other people through relationships but I was just, sitting there by myself. I didn't get it. Maybe I just wasn't pretty enough.

Yes, there were a couple guys that seemed to show some interest in me. But I'm just going to rip off the Band-Aid here, I was played more times than I like t think about. I gave so much time and attention to some people who treated me like trash. I wasn't respected. I was just happy I was getting some type of attention. The questioning began again. Am I ugly? What's wrong with me? Why?

I can't really explain how I felt in words. I'm a pro-overthinker. My mind was eating me alive. I literally felt like scum. I looked at other girls and wished I was them. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be little with straight hair and perfect teeth. I wanted boys to fall in love with me. I wanted this attention. But here I was. A girl with outrageous curly hair that was always in a bun or a braid, with a tall lanky build, and braces. Everyone else just seemed so mature. I still felt like I was in fifth grade.

There was a day sophomore year that literally pains me to talk about. I remember bottling up all of these emotions for so long. I never told anyone how awful I felt about myself. I never admitted to hating myself. Everyone's compliments of me went in one ear and out the other. The judgmental looks/snarky comments towards me are what stuck. I couldn't take it anymore. My mind was going to kill me. I went to tennis this particular afternoon. I remember walking on the court and doubting everything. Why was I here? Did anybody even really care? What would people do if I wasn't here? I remember just staring into the sky and wondering all of these things. One of my teammates made a joke (like we always did, we were a very sarcastic/jokey team) at me, I blew up. I walked off the court and sat on a bench and cried. People kept asking me what was wrong. I just wanted to leave. I didn't want to admit that I felt like everyone hated me and that I hated myself. I didn't want to admit that I was jealous of literally everyone I knew. I remember going home that night and just crying. I felt like I had lost all hope. I still felt like no one understood. My faith, my precious faith had felt like a lie. I didn't know what to do.

That summer, I went to church camp. I was still feeling these things. I still felt ugly. I remember even being nervous that I had to wake up with everyone in my youth group and that they might see me without makeup on. It terrified me. And these were people that I knew wouldn't judge me, but I still felt like seeing me like this would change their opinion of me.

That same time at church camp, I had the most wonderful camp counselor in the world. I remember being so excited to go to his class and do activities with him and other campers. I felt like he understood. Finally,someone who understood me and he didn't even  know it.

That night. That beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, beautiful, beautiful night. The people running the camp were playing "God of This City" and I burst into tears. Everything I had worried about for the past couple years felt lifted. I felt, I can't describe. That's something you don't know how it feels until you feel it. I went up to my camp counselor and he gave me the biggest hug that anyone has ever given me. I never felt so loved by someone I had only known for a few days. He asked me how I was feeling, I couldn't even get words out, I just remember crying. He prayed for me. I will never ever forget that moment. For the first time in years, I wasn't thinking of how I looked, I wasn't worried what people thought of me as I went to the front of the room into my counselors arms. I just, I felt like someone understood me. Someone was there that knew exactly what I was going through. My hope came back that night. That was the night I decided to get baptized.

Months after camp, I still felt hopeful. But I eventually fell back into my old ways of thinking. I felt ugly and unwanted again. I felt like an outcast. Some of the unkind comments came back and haunted me. I started taking people's little innocent jokes towards me as insults. I hated how poofy my hair was, I hated my big nose, I hated my tallness, I hated my small chest, I hated how small my teeth were. Literally  every little miniscule thing about me, I would stare at and hate. I even hated sitting beside people because I thought they would look at my profile and notice how bumped my nose was. It was an absolutely a pathetic way of life I was slowly crawling back in to.

Senior year of high school came. Things started happening. I tried to shed all of these hateful feelings towards myself. I started wearing less makeup. I wore my hair down. I wore clothes I liked. I tried to think positive and focus on things besides my looks. I tried to talk to more people. Something happened that year. My little shell began chipping away. That tall, curly headed girl was accepting herself. She no longer looked in the mirror and said, "who could love this face?" she said, "this is me and I'm happy."

Now that I'm in college, I've found myself. I found that girl who was there that night of church camp again. I found that looks aren't everything. I found that I'm not ugly. I found the people in my life that really matter and who really care for me. I found that all because you're single doesn't mean you will be forever. And yeah, there are days still where I feel ugly. A lot of them. There are days where I am tempted to take scissors to my head and chop these Ramen noodles off my head. But this is me. This is who I'm supposed to be. I'm made this way for a reason.

#ILoveWhoIAmBecause
I can make people laugh. I can reach things off top shelves. I love too hard. I like to scrapbook. I love my legs. I can draw. I love to dance even though I'm bad at it. I've stayed true to myself all my life, even though I've been tempted not to a couple times. I'm a good listener. I never have to use volumizing shampoo. I like my eyes. I love the way I dress.

All I'm trying to say is that that girl who broke down sophomore year of high school because of insecurities, was just rolling on the floor, with messed up hair and worn-off makeup, laughing and feeling truly happy. Things do get better. Things become happy again. Don't beat yourself up. Take tons of selfies. Compliment other people. Be nice. Make yourself some hot chocolate. Put on makeup and feel good about yourself, but then take it off and feel even better about yourself. You're awesome.

 

 

 

Be kind to yourself.

Love your curly headed art major who just ate a whole footlong Subway sandwich,

Rachel xx