2015.

Whew. 
That's the first word that comes to mind when I think of 2015. It was a tumultuous year. Many great things happened, but there were some sad things that happened, too. 

This is the most emotional year I've had thus far. I lost my grandfather early this year, which was something I really wasn't expecting. I lost touch with some people that I never thought I'd lose touch with. My self confidence and belief in myself and other things in my life was slowly going down the drain all year, only to suck it back up in the last few months of 2015. 

Despite all of the things that happened this year that weren't so great, the incredible outpouring of love that I encountered outnumbered the negative things that happened. I never knew the amount of love and admiration I could feel for someone until this year. I never knew someone could love me and my family so much until this year. Through a lot of my tragedy came love and peacefulness. God has definitely been holding my hand all year, and I have been squeezing his hand especially tight these past few months. 

I have really come to know myself and love myself. I've been reflecting on this past year all week, and I noticed how much the people in my life have affected the way I view myself, and also how all of the people I've met have unknowingly built off one another and helped me in some way. 

Towards the beginning of the year, I was craving friendship and wanting someone to notice me. It was my second semester of my freshman year, and I really wanted to have tons of friends and be social. I've always been shy, so making friends is hard for me because I never know how to approach people. But you know what happened? Once my sophomore year started, I just told myself to be myself and not to worry what people thought of me. I did this and the most beautiful thing happened. I made friends. I was able to talk to people. People talked back to me. What was this weird science?! Being myself helps you relate to people better? Crazy. It was amazing. I have the greatest, most beautiful, inspiring friends now. I thank God for them everyday. I am in awe of them all of the time. I love watching them do the things they love. I love them so much. It's funny how once you just forget about trying to make friends and just let things roll is when you find the people you never knew you needed. That was definitely one of my biggest highlights of this year. 

I also want to just take a moment and thank one of my professors. Each one I've had has chipped away at my shell I encase myself in, and has helped me begin to blossom into who I want to be. There's one in particular that will always hold a special place in my heart. I love writing, but I always felt like I wasn't good at it. I had this killer English professor that I just adored. He always made me feel like I was capable of doing whatever I wanted and was so incredibly understanding, especially when my grandfather died. I remember telling him I would be missing some class because of the funeral, but I ended up coming back to class earlier than I thought. I came to class and just the look he gave me when he saw me sitting there. There was a lot of care in that look, something I never expected from a college professor. He told me that I didn't have to be there, I was just in shock. I am so thankful for him. I don't think he realizes how much he affected me. He's the reason I started gaining more confidence in myself and my writing. He also told me that I, excuse the language, "kicked ass" and that was the coolest thing anyone has ever said to me. I felt like I needed to go buy a leather jacket. 

We had a really big snowstorm this year. I know lots of people hated it but I was so excited by it. I love snow and cold weather. Class got canceled and we played out in the snow. I just love snow. LOVE snow. 

One of my pieces got picked to be in our school's annual student art exhibit. I was so pumped but in shock that they thought my piece was good enough to get in. My work had never been in a show and I didn't know what to expect. I was so intimidated and I'm sure I looked like a dog with my tail between my legs, but it was so incredibly exciting. And just a month or so ago, I got accepted into the BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) program, which was also nerve wracking. I had to sit in a room with all of the art professors and they were critiquing my work in front of me. It was scary but I learned so much. I'm so thankful for the experience and thankful that I am able to progress in my art career.

I saw Weird Al this year, I hadn't seen him since 2011. I don't even have to explain that one. I sat by a dude with a kilt on. It's an experience. 

David Spade has favorited my tweets six times now. The first time it happened I smiled like an absolute idiot. I'm just going to be blunt about this, if I was David Spade's age I would definitely be in line to date him. I adore that man.

And my apologies to Patrick Fugit, I've drawn him way too many times but he was kind enough to like each of them on Instagram. Even though an Instagram like really doesn't mean much, the fact that he saw something I worked on so hard means the world to me. 

I had the privilege to attend three beautiful weddings this year. Two of family members and one of a friend. So surreal to see us all old enough to even get married but absolutely gorgeous nonetheless. 

I also had the privilege to be in our church's annual Christmas play. I got to be the main character and I can only hope that I did her justice, because over the past few weeks I really grew to love her. She was a girl named Maria. I won't explain it well, so if you're curious listen to this song. It's "The Gift" by Garth Brooks, and it's what our play was based on. A wonderful, talented woman in our church wrote a play from it, and I am so thankful that I was able to be in it. I had been so worried about getting my lines and cues right, that I didn't appreciate the play and the song until the next Sunday at church. Our pianist played it and sang it during offering, and man, it hit me like a giant beautiful truck. I was so overcome with emotions. The whole story is just, awe-inspiring and I'm so happy that I was a part of it. 

One of my all time favorite moments of 2015 was Christmas Eve. On Christmas Eve, I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep (spoiler alert: I slept one hour and looked like a zombie all Christmas day because I had no sleep) and this overwhelming feeling came over me. I felt like God was sending me a message saying, "Everything is going to be okay. I sent my son here to save you. You are washed clean as snow." My heart overflowed. I cried and smiled and laughed at the same time. I had never felt something like that before. Everything that was burdening me all year was just gone. God had bagged it all up and took it away from me. My prayers that I had been praying all year were answered. 

I am so thankful for this year. I'm thankful for the rough patches, because it lead me to the rosy patches. I am so happy, and I am so ready for 2016.

I hope you had a great year, and I hope 2016 is even better. 

God bless and lots of love to you all, and see you in the new year!

Rachel xx 

You Are Amazing.

I took these pictures last night after I got out of the shower. I looked into the mirror and laughed at my raccoon eyes. I started thinking about how many times I used to look into the mirror and hate what I saw. I remember looking and being so disgusted. My nose was too big, my eyelashes were too short, my hair was too frizzy, my teeth were too small. The list got longer and longer. 

You know what I realized afterwards? It's been nearly a year since I've looked into the mirror and absolutely hated what I saw. I no longer look in the mirror and continually stare like I used to. That girl who used to cry if her hair looked bad was gone. 

I never realized how detrimental those thoughts and "I'm so ugly" comments were until they stopped. I never realized how being so self-deprecating could ruin beautiful memories in your life. I remember looking at old photos and not remembering anything about the moment that was captured except for how I looked. Memories are tarnished and are impossible to clean if your mind is full of these damaging thoughts. I am so glad that those constant thoughts are behind me. They occasionally creep in and tap me on the shoulder, but I stick my tongue out at them and go on with my day. 

I realized that being pretty didn't mean anything. Sure, you may get more dates or boyfriends. Maybe I'm not conventionally pretty. Maybe I'm not a bombshell. You know what? I am okay with that. I used to only care if guys liked me. I just wanted one to look me in the eyes and sincerely tell me I was beautiful. You know what? That hasn't happened. And you know what else? I'm perfectly okay with it.

I was told for years that no guy would like me until I liked myself first. I spent my whole first year of college liking myself. The funny thing about it is, I suddenly stopped caring what boys thought of me during this time. I started liking myself because of myself. I was no longer motivated by anything except for peacefulness and happiness. I just wanted to feel happy. I found this happiness. I found how to be truly happy. I've grown so much as a person this past year. I'm at a point in my life I never thought I'd be at. If you told me a year and a half ago to go out in public without makeup and my hair down, I would've probably started crying. Well guess what past self, you went out today with no makeup and your hair down, and you still got smiled at and people still talked to you. You were okay. And you will be okay.

You know what I realized in this time of growth? I'll list some of them below.

1. Writing poems is a good way to release feelings.
2. Getting lunch with someone is a lot more fun than getting lunch alone.
3. Your face is thankful that you aren't wearing makeup everyday.
4. Almost Famous lights a fire in me that I never knew was possible.
5. With a little dedication, you can accomplish what you set your mind to.
6. Instant hot chocolate tastes so much better with milk.
7. I forget the world exists while I'm in antique stores/thrift shops.
8. Mom jeans from the 90s fit your body much better than those low rise things.
9. You don't have a consistent jean size. Because jean sizes are kablooey. 
10. I can make macaroni and cheese.
11. I don't have many friends, but the few I do have mean more to me than anything in this whole world and I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I thank God everyday for you all. Like, I want to personally go to your door and give you a big bear hug. You have no idea how much you mean to me. 
12. You aren't going to suffer forever. 
13. Not everyone thinks hairless cats are cute.
14. Loving everyone does nothing but improve your life. 
15. Wear heels.
16. Compliment people.
17. You can dress like Penny Lane if you want to. (I just love Almost Famous, y'all.)
18. School work is important but don't let it define your life. Make time for friends and for schoolwork.
19. If it's not funny, don't feel obligated to laugh.
20. Dance whenever you see Christmas lights or hear Hotline Bling.
21. Stare at every dog or cat you see as long as you can.
22. Writing letters/poems to people even if they never know about it feels so good. (I get it now, Taylor Swift. I completely understand.)
23. Get mozzarella sticks and eat them in your car while pretending you're singing a duet with Toby Keith. 
24. Create art all the time. Draw what you want and anything that inspires you. Surround yourself with people who push you to be better in your art and as a person. 
25. Be unapologetically yourself. You will find people who appreciate you for who you are.

It took me nearly 20 years to learn all of this. Life is beautiful. There is more positive happening than negative. Tell your friends and family you love them. Draw pictures of someone you admire and send it to them. (Thank you Patrick Fugit for always liking my drawings of you, you make my heart happy.) Tell people thank you. Listen when others are talking to you. Give people compliments about their character rather than their appearance. Run in a field whenever you can. Take pictures and scrapbook them. Hug somebody. 

Whatever you do, don't ever look in a mirror and hate yourself. There are so many things inside you that make you a great person. When you look in the mirror, look for those things. And I promise you will be happy. 

Have a great night. I hope you have a duet with Toby Keith soon.

<3 Rachel