"Get yourself out there!"

It has been a week, and it's only Wednesday. 

The past couple weeks have felt like weeks, if you get what I mean. Every day I've had something due in class. Every day I filled at least 3 pages of notes per class. I've made near 100 flashcards this week alone. I painted into the night just to finish a project by morning. I've heard so much information in my classes that at this particular moment my head feels like it's going to explode. Every weekend this month I've had some sort of plans, from lunches to family reunions. (Which I love, by the way, they've been good de-stressers.) 

Monday, a dear friend of mine helped me lug 8 framed drawings/paintings of mine across a crowded parking lot then up two flights of stairs to the painting studio for a show this Friday. She had to park illegally just to help me out. (Missy, you are God-sent and I'm so glad you didn't get a ticket.) Because Lord knows if I tried to carry all of those across campus I would probably be laying in the Peay Bowl right now because I would've just given up. (The Peay Bowl is a giant sinkhole on our campus that they decided to fill with pretty rocks that form a large "AP." Just in case you're reading this and very confused!) Just wanted to say thank you again to Missy, who literally saved the day on Monday. 

I have my first show this week that isn't an on-campus juried show. I received a scholarship and was given the opportunity to show some work. As amazing as that is and as much as I've been thanking God for it, I am extremely nervous. This show isn't in the cushy comfort of my professors and friends. This is me having to drive my own work to some place that I've never been. The event is called a Soiree. That sounds super fancy. I feel like I need white gloves just to go to the thing. The fanciest place I've ever been was The Cheese Lady in Michigan. (And little did I know in my one-stop-light-town mind, there are more cheeses than Kraft singles.) I am totally excited but equally as nervous. But I also feel little better knowing two other students are showing work, too. I'm excited to see what they've done since I'm not too familiar with either of them. I know it'll be fun, but y'all know me. Uncertainty has always made me anxious. I am so thankful for your encouraging words and hugs every time it gets brought up in a conversation, I really am. This is all so new and exciting and I don't think it's sunk in yet. I'm sure it will on Friday morning.

All of this got me thinking about how much I tend to keep to myself without realizing it, especially with my work. I've always been timid and quiet. I have a lot of things I want to say but never feel like I know how to efficiently articulate them. In class today, my professor gave a talk about getting our work into the world and how to network and all of that stuff that terrifies me. He used me as an example a couple times, people turned and looked at me. I felt like that kid in class who always raises his hand, but in this case I never raised my hand. 

I often feel looked over everywhere I go. I didn't really realize why until today when my friend Tyler came up to me and asked why I was separated from everyone else in my class. (My easel was on the right side of the room while everyone else was on the left.) I stood there for a second while I was trying to give an answer. I honestly don't know why. I believe it's a subconscious thing. I've always preferred working independently instead of in a group. I get very distracted when other people are working around me. I want to watch them and I feel like I have to say something to them if I'm near them. I guess I feel like I work better if all I am focusing on is what I'm doing. I still don't really know why I don't put my easel with everyone else's. It's easy to be overlooked and left alone if you are separated from everyone else. Tyler ended the question with, "Get yourself out there!" 

There's a lot of truth in that exclamation. Keeping to myself and not involving myself in things that could benefit me is doing nothing but holding me back. Sitting in bed and drawing in a sketchbook and closing it, being in a class with other people and professors and not engaging in conversation, neither of these things are helping me. Deep down I know that my timidness is what has held me back for years. As I've gotten older, that fact has become even more blaring. I'm learning it all in baby steps. I'm trying to ask more questions. I'm trying to get my work out there. I'm trying to make more work. I'm trying to talk to people, even if it doesn't seem like I am. The fear of saying something wrong to a friend, a professor, or even in a critique has been a constant nuisance. I'm trying to work on it. I really am. 

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to get at. Again, here I am feeling like I'm saying something completely wrong. I was setting up my easel to start a painting before bed and something was telling me to write. So thank you for reading. Thank you for reading any of the things I write, for that matter. Thank you for your continued encouragement and hugs. Thank you for commenting on a drawing I did. Thank you for helping me carry stuff up stairs (lookin' at you, Missy. You're still the best.) Thank you for not losing faith in me when I let my nerves overtake me. It means more than you'll ever know. 

Everyday I've been working towards bettering myself. Body, soul, mind, & spirit. And now through my artwork. 

In the words of my favorite semi-fictional character, Penny Lane:

"It's all happening." 

-Rachel xx

  

I Can't Do It Anymore.

This is going to be shorter than my usual posts and I hope you understand what I'm saying. 

I cannot do this anymore. 

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, all of these social media apps are squeezing me dry. Something I once loved and looked forward to being a part of is becoming the biggest soul-sucker in my life. 

I am not getting into a  political conversation, but I am so, so, so incredibly tired of all these presidential posts. I'm tired of logging onto Facebook and see people attacking one another for their beliefs. I don't agree with a lot of people's opinions I see on my feed, but you know what I do? I accept that it's their opinion, and move on. I rarely post any political beliefs because I know I'll be thought of negatively for it. People who were kind to me will start to treat me like my brain is made of green jello. And do not tell me they won't. I posted a painting I did of two African American girls holding hands during a Social Injustice Rally, literally the only somewhat controversial thing I've ever posted, and my intentions for it were immediately questioned by someone who I thought was accepting of me. A painting. Something I love to do was questioned because it made someone uncomfortable. 

And I'll tell you right now, I am no theologian, I'm no pastor, but I know that this is not how we are supposed to be acting. God told us to love. We are supposed to love everyone. Black, yellow, red, purple, polka-dotted, Republican, Democrat, Gay, Straight, smelly, clean, short, tall, loud, quiet, dancey. No matter who they are. If you agree with them or not. You are called to love them. We are not called to hate. And I've seen way too much hate. We are not representing God the way we should, and my heart is broken. (Disclaimer: Just in case anyone jumps my tail, I am not perfect & I'm not saying that I am. I make mistakes. I've been hateful toward people before that I shouldn't have. We all make mistakes. But it's time to change those hateful thoughts into love-filled ones.) 

I love being on here. I love looking at people's photos. I love sharing my art with you. But the amount of hatred I've seen lately is way too appalling to even continue to try to maneuver this whole social media thing. And before you say, "just block the people you don't like or are offensive, or hide their posts." I have. The hatred continues to surface from the most unlikely of places. The only way I know how to avoid it is stop feeding into the source, and learning to put my energy into other, more meaningful, things. 

I am just exhausted. I know it's silly to blame social media entirely, a good chunk of it is because I've struggled with insecurity since I was a tween. I've wanted to be accepted by someone or something for years. Social media is not it. Social media is not where I need to gain acceptance. Memories aren't made through social media. You won't remember the likes you got on your photo ten years from now. I still catch myself today looking through girl's Instagram pages that I know, many who are way more attractive than I'll ever be, racking up 200+ likes on every selfie they post. It makes my measly 25 look like dust on the ground (and I rarely get that many.) But that is so stupid! Likes? Someone's thumb tapping a heart shaped button is making me feel like I am not as pretty as these girls? Ugh. It's so dumb and I hate that I feed into it. I hate it so much.

Truly, I have found that spending time in other things that are not screen-related are so much more worthwhile. Indulging in things that seem somewhat dated now, such as writing, listening to records, thumbing through an antique store, taking a walk and talking actual words to an actual, living person...what a concept. I've begun to live like it is 2002 again. Using cellphones for communicating. Taking in things that can only be truly absorbed with your face towards the sun rather than toward a screen. Reading a Bible or a book instead of a news story that won't benefit me. 

Saying this, I'm not just disappearing completely. I'm still going to be on here every once in a while. I still want to write and post my drawings for you. I'm just cutting it out enough where I can learn to enjoy life again. Enjoy it the way I did when I was seven, running around my fence picking up acorns and pretending I was Lizzie McGuire. Back when I loved everything and everybody in my life. I'm ready to get back to that.