Something I've been telling myself, especially lately.
You are going to be all right.
Maybe it's just that time of the school year where work is continuously loaded onto students. Maybe it's the fact that it's November 2nd and it's 80 degrees outside. (This winter baby wants temperatures below 50!) Maybe it's me feeling like I have no one who I can run to if I'm upset and need to talk. Maybe it's my lack of confidence creeping back in. Maybe it's all of these.
I was doing really well for the longest time. I stayed off my phone and tried plugging into tangible things. I took care of myself physically and was trying to eat better. My body, mind, and soul felt at peace for a few weeks. I was doing great. I was thriving.
But recently, that feeling has started to fade. I've slipped back into my old ways. I've been staring at screens again. I began to compare myself to other girls I'd see on social media and in real life. I see pictures of couples and people getting married and I started to feel down on myself for not ever dating. Something must be wrong with me. Everyone else I know is dating, married, or having kids. These girls and guys are my age. There must be something wrong with me. Why doesn't anyone want to date me? Am I undateable? Toxic, toxic thoughts. Belittling my worth because I am not currently in a relationship with anyone. Telling myself something must be wrong with me since I'm single. Telling myself that I must be to hideous or somehow repulsive to others. It sounds so extreme but I fight with these thoughts every day, especially recently. I know I've touched on this topic many times before, but it's hard. It's extremely hard. I've never been one who felt the need to date to be happy, but at times I do wish that I had someone I could share those feelings with. My heart is internally exploding with so much adoration towards others, but trying to show that to someone without appearing "needy" or "overly-emotional" is difficult. It leads to a lot of feelings of isolation and like I'm going to be thought of as creepy for being so fascinated with people. It's a slippery slope and I'm not wearing the proper shoes.
I've had to tell myself recently that beauty is subjective, and not the most important thing. I grew up not loving how I looked, and that didn't fade until I started college. But now the fade is becoming a little sharper. Those feelings are coming back. Feeling that I have to wear makeup and dress nice for people to notice and like me. Old, negative remarks about my appearance that I got from elementary-high school have been flowing back. Why? I have no idea. I kept hearing that kid in 5th grade call me a parrot because of my nose. I heard my friend tell me that my legs would look better if they were tan. I heard the guy online comment on my friend's MySpace photo, telling her that she was beautiful, but me "not so much." I heard that guy tell me I'd look better if I wore my hair down or if it was straight. I heard the laughter of my math class when I was told that the rat in the class "probably crawled into Rachel's hair because it thought it was a nest." All things that were said to me before I was even 16 years old. They came flooding back this week. I had them tucked away for the longest time. I feel like the stress I've been going through caused me to unearth things that needed to stay buried. All the things I've bottled up for years slowly start bubbling to the surface again. It's a monster I find myself constantly battling. It hurts because deep down I know that those comments were so dumb and more of a reflection of those saying them instead of a reflection of who I actually was, but they still resurface. I am worth so much more than how my face curves or how my hair falls on my shoulders. I need to tell myself that more.
I've been having a rough few weeks at school. In my art classes, I've been doing well but I've begun comparing my art to other's again. I still sometimes feel like I'm not part of the group, I've been subconsciously distancing myself again. I feel like my heart isn't in my work like it was before. I'm sure it's stemming from my self-confidence falling to the ground again and falling back into my old ways. I've also been struggling in my other general education classes. I'm regretting taking two histories and two sciences in one day, 3 back to back and one hour and a half break. (Where I usually take a 20-30 minute power nap, just so I don't fall asleep in American History.) A couple weeks ago, I didn't get enough sleep. I woke up nearly every hour and felt restless. I decided not to go to my Geology Lab, just so I could get an hour more of sleep. In my three years of college, that is the only time I ever skipped a class. I didn't think it'd be a big deal. Well, boy was I wrong. I ultimately believe that decision is what made my last test grade in there lower than I'd like it to be. I missed one 55 minute class to catch up on sleep. Of course that one class I skipped was the class where he described a giant chunk of material that was on our test. That's the last time I ever skip a class, I'll tell you that much. After this semester I'll be done with all general education courses. Praying for a smooth end to this semester.
My heart goes through so many highs and lows. Some days, like today, I feel good about myself. I took the time to make sure I ate and washed my face. I prayed for a productive day and peaceful day, so far it's going well. I am still a little bit stressed and overwhelmed, but for the most part I feel okay. My critique in class went well and I have a lot of ideas flowing about a new painting. My mind is still floating back to those negative thoughts. Listening to the Almost Famous soundtrack helped me regain some hope. I got a good night sleep last night and woke up feeling renewed. My hair cooperated with me and I put eyeliner on. (I haven't worn eyeliner in months, so the fact that I put it on and it looks even is an accomplishment for me, haha!) A sweet girl in my class told me that my paints that I mixed up were beautiful. I found out that even though I made a not so amazing grade on my last Geology exam, I did better than the overall class percentage. I'm trying to set little goals and focus on the positive things. After tomorrow I won't have another test until late November. I get to start a new painting soon. It's almost Christmas time!
Ultimately, I keep telling myself I'm going to be all right. These tests do not define me. My relationship status doesn't define me. My looks don't define me. My friends may be going out on dates while I'm sitting at home writing, but that's okay. Maybe I'm placed in these predicaments for a particular reason that hasn't been shown to me yet. Maybe all the nights I stay up drawing or writing will turn into something bigger than anything I can imagine right now. I know God has a plan for my life. I know his righteous right hand is holding me as I trod through these times. He made me this way for a reason. He made me loving and forgiving and full of a childlike hope for the future. Right now may seem kind of muddy and bleak, but there's a glimmer of hope shining through. I'm going to be all right.
This song by John Denver has remained constant in my mind through these past few weeks. I think it perfectly sums up how I've been feeling.
So you speak to me of sadness
And the coming of the winter
Fear that is within you now
It seems to never end
And the dreams that have escaped you
And the hope that you've forgotten
You tell me that you need me now
You want to be my friend
And you wonder where we're going
Where's the rhyme and where's the reason
And it's you cannot accept
It is here we must begin
To seek the wisdom of the children
And the graceful way of flowers in the wind
For the children and the flowers
Are my sisters and my brothers
Their laughter and their loveliness
Could clear a cloudy day
Like the music of the mountains
And the colours of the rainbow
They're a promise of the future
And a blessing for today
-Rachel xx
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