Acceptance.

2017 has been strange so far. Strange in good ways and in bad. The first few days of the year were exciting; I felt very hopeful for the new year and saw Keith Urban at the mall (still not over this). A couple days later, my Granny had a major heart attack and she was in the hospital for two weeks. Everything felt so serious and I was worried all of the time. When I get worried about one thing, a thousand other things came out of nowhere and burden me even harder. By the grace of God my Granny pulled through the endless days in the hospital, but I never seemed to be able to pull through my own crippling thoughts.

School started back up. I felt very positive at first, I was having a few anxiety-ridden thoughts. I wasn't unhappy but I felt displaced from reality. There was a lot going on in my mind and I was having a hard time focusing on one thing. Overall, I was consumed with negative thoughts. I had my moments of joy and positivity, but the negativity seemed to constantly consume me.

My family and a few friends encouraged me to go to counseling. I had thought of it before, but then I'd have good days so I thought I didn't need it. I forgot about it until I'd have another bad day and felt I had no one to talk to. I came back from class on one of those bad days and called the counseling office. A wave of comfort came over me. Soon I was seeing a counselor who helped calm a lot of these thoughts. I finally felt secure in myself, but recently I've felt as if I've fallen off the wagon again. 

I've found that I am too easily consumed with other people. I want everyone I meet to like me and I never want to make anyone upset. I like helping people and I want others to be happy. This all sounds like it isn't bad, but I've found that sometimes I am so engulfed in this that I don't take care of myself. I'm not really sure how to explain this, but if you do the same thing then you'll understand. Being so fascinated with people, I often lose myself and don't really know who I am or what I'm doing while I'm in that mindset. This has been one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I'm still working on it. I love helping people and love being there for people, but I've had to realize recently that I can't do that 24/7. I can't be there for people if they aren't there for me. I'm trying to learn to stop putting energy into people who clearly don't care about me. It's all hard. Because if someone doesn't like me, I want to know why. I want to fix it. But I can't fix other people's thoughts. I know who I am and need to stand firm in that.

I didn't realize how hard it is to find things that make me purely happy that don't make me feel selfish doing them. I think the last paragraph goes hand in hand with this. If I'm doing something that makes me feel good, I automatically think that I'm being selfish and I need to be doing something for someone else. It's hard for me not to do that. It's hard to explain. I'm trying to find things that make me feel good and realizing that they aren't selfish things. It isn't selfish to do things for yourself. It's just funny, because if other people are taking a break and doing something for themselves, I don't see it as selfish on their part. I see it as well-deserved. If I do it, I see it as selfish. I'm working on it, it hasn't been easy, but I'm working on it. I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I am a good person, even though my mind makes me think otherwise. 

I think I also need to realize that my happiness shouldn't depend on other people. I can't source my happiness from someone else's. Again, this is a struggle for me since I rely so heavily on others for inspiration and companionship. I love people. I may be quiet and reserved in person, but I adore people. I am so fascinated by them. I'm that weird friend who would be thrilled to go through your old family albums. I will memorize people's facial features and pull inspiration from them in my art. I love it. But I have had to learn recently that I need to find fulfillment from within myself instead of always searching for it in others. I know it isn't bad to source this type of inspiration, but I am learning that 100% of my happiness can't come from others. Again, I feel like I'm making no sense. I hope at least one person understands what I'm saying.

On a religious standpoint, it's been difficult for me recently to stand firm in my faith in God. As an art major, I'm surrounded by people of all different walks of life and backgrounds. I thrive in that environment, but often I feel like an outcast. I know much of it comes from my own turmoil within myself, and I need to work on that. I was sitting in class one night and heard multiple people talk about how they weren't religious or that they don't believe in God. As much as I don't understand that, I realize that not everyone had the upbringing I did. Not everyone is religious. I am religious. The thing I struggle with is feeling like I am a bad Christian since I'm not turning everyone else into a Christian and being "lenient' on my views, you could say. Yes, it hurt me knowing these people didn't know God, but I accepted it. I didn't feel like in that moment I needed to toss a Bible at them. The way they treat me, with so much love and acceptance, I feel like they know some sort of higher power, maybe they don't label it as God or a religion but something inside them is moving them. Maybe that's why I'm not bothered when they tell me they aren't religious. They're showing me the love and acceptance I hope I am showing to them. They may curse and do things I don't agree with, but I don't condemn them. I do things regarding my beliefs I know they don't agree with, but they don't condemn me. Strangely enough, they've shown me more love and compassion than some of the people who I share a faith with. I don't have it in me to neglect anyone because of differing views. I feel like this makes me feel I'm a bad Christian because I feel like I've had Christian friends look down on me for my not-so-conservative views. But I don't think they're bad for having stronger views than I do even if we're in the same faith. I guess in my sometimes hippy-dippy mindset, I just feel like we should love everyone. I don't care who you worship. I don't care who you love. God is love and I am called here to love people. (Sometimes I feel like God put too much love in my heart, half the time I am so overwhelmed by it I don't know what to do. Often to the point I am crying in the car about how someone showed me kindness, ha!)

I have learned that acceptance has to come from within. I'm embarrassed at the amount of times I've found myself looking to someone else to find some sort of validation. Either in the form of a text or a Instagram like, I'm so tired of feeling like that's the only way I can feel loved. I've found love is more three-dimensional than that. It comes from the kind words I received during my critique last week, it comes from realizing how much an old friend meant to you and how blessed you are that they're back in your life, it comes from the watching my Grandpa lovingly look at my mom while she talks, it comes from picking strawberries and smelling them in the spring breeze, it comes from seeing my Grandma provide a safe place for new family to stay, it comes from an embrace in church asking how you're doing, it comes from letting music flow through your veins, it comes from looking at old jewelry in an antique store. I know this phrase is overused, but it's the little things that mean the most. The little things that, in my case, do not involve technology. 

I'm also learning that the things I like to do and the person I am aren't weird or stupid. My counselor tells me almost every visit, "You are Rachel." As simple as that sounds, it grounds me. I know who I am, even if other people don't. I know what I like and I know the type of person I am. I am Rachel, and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a human and I'm learning everyday. 

I am working on myself, I'm still in the middle of counseling and am hopeful I will be as close to carefree as I can be soon. I still want to help others. I still want to make people happy. But I really need to focus on my own happiness for a while. I know I've tried this many times before and I've failed. But tomorrow is a brand new day. 

-Rachel xx