Things have been very hectic lately. Extremely hectic. These past couple of months have been some of the most heart-wrenching moments in my life. Lots of good things happened, but unfortunately a lot of bad things happened, too. Things are finally starting to look up a bit, so I decided to write this post since I'm in a better mindset than I have been.
My sister wrote a blog post the other day about dealing with her anxiety (which you can read here) and it inspired me to write about this particular thing that's been floating in my mind for a while. I wasn't ever sure how to word it. So I hope this all makes sense.
A few blog posts ago, I wrote about my insecurities and how I had overcome them. Thankfully, the physical insecurities I had have gotten a lot better. I don't worry as much as I used to. I don't cover up my face when I smile or laugh anymore. I can freely go out with a makeupless face and feel fine about it.
But recently I've been dealing with feeling worthless. A lot of times I just feel like I'm not good enough. It's like everyone around me is succeeding and doing all these big things with a huge group of friends and going to parties and these adventures and doing all these things. I don't feel like I'm a failure, but I keep feeling like I should be doing more. I should be putting myself out there more. I should be doing all these things.
It feels like everyone's world is going high speed towards their futures and I'm just not sure where I'm headed. I love doing art and want to be an artist, but, it doesn't feel secure. I hear other people talk about the jobs they're getting or are going to get and I feel like I'm just sitting on the sidelines eating a chili dog wondering what my life is while they have theirs figured out. I love doing art. I still want to be an artist. I can tell that it's where I'm supposed to be, because as soon as I walk into that art building I forget everything. It feels like home. But sometimes the uncertainty of what I'm going to do once college is over is terrifying. I know I have three years left but it still scares me.
There's been another thing on my mind that's been bugging me lately. I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat it. Sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me since I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. I've never been on a date. Never kissed anyone. All the things that you think a girl would have done before she was 19, I haven't done. And I know none of those things are bad, I'm glad I haven't been "around" as they say (do they say that, is that still a thing) but in a way I wish I had those experiences. I want to know what it's like to go on a first date. I want those butterflies. I always tell myself that my time is coming, my time is coming. God's time is always perfect and He knows what He's doing. But again, seeing other people happy in relationships and things like that just make me wish I had that.
Staying on the boy topic (it's like we're at a sleepover sharing secrets). I've caught myself a lot thinking there's something wrong with me because there aren't guys chasing me. But you know, maybe that's not a bad thing. Sometimes I think it is because it makes me feel like I'm ugly or something, like I don't attract people. But maybe that isn't the reason. I don't know what the reason is. I've just never been that girl to have guys drool over me. I've always been the single friend. Not sure if that's good or bad. I always felt like the girl who comforted her friends during a breakup or was there when they were trying to get a boyfriend. I don't know. Am I still speaking English because it feels like I'm not.
Thankfully, I've come to the point in my life where I'm not ashamed of how I look any more. I used to hate my nose. I hated how I towered over everyone I know. I hated how my hair was so curly I couldn't do anything with it. I hated my teeth and the way I smiled. I don't think I'm the most beautiful person in the world or anything but I don't think I'm ugly like I used to. But I gotta admit, it wasn't easy growing up looking different than all my friends and other girls at school. I was never the cute little blonde girl with perfect features. But maybe that isn't who I'm supposed to be. I would've been made that way if I was supposed to be that way.
My biggest problem lately has been comparing myself to other people. I need to stop. *slaps own wrist*
I'm not sure if any of this made any sense. It was more of a "I need to write to get all this off my chest" type of post rather than a "I have some riveting life experience" to tell you post.
I promise there will be some happier, more thought-out posts soon.
-Rachel xx
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