Little Feelings.

I’ve gone through a season of change recently. This year has definitely been one of the most emotionally draining, but instead of sitting around and crying about everything, I told myself I’d channel everything into something positive. God doesn’t put us through hard times to make us upset, we must learn from them and grow stronger in Him and as people. Here are a few “little feelings” I’ve been feeling lately.

You know when you get into a hot bath after a long day? Sit and feel how the water kisses you all over, making your skin tingle and it relaxes you. Or when you sit straight up and slowly glide your hand through the water. The strong yet gentle tug of the water on your hand. It’s weird how something as innocent looking as water is so strong. Then when you lean your head back against the wall and sweat drips down your forehead. It’s like, the water is so hot that you don’t even care. For some reason the sweat droplets running down your face feel like your old self falling away. It tickles and you smile. 

That feeling when you see your family members. See everyone’s faces light up and everyone hugging and all the joy that fills the room. Even though your family has gone through some of the darkest times and occasionally have disagreements. Once you see each other all that fizzles away and you are just happy to see them. That love conquers all the unpleasant feelings. 

When someone you love looks into your eyes and tells you that you’re beautiful. Someone who you’ve admired for so long. Someone who never really complimented you before. You can feel your cheeks turning red and all you can do is smile because you have no idea what else to do. They walk away and it feels like Hello Kitty came up to you and smacked you with glitter. 

That feeling when you can tell you’re connecting with someone. Like you can tell them anything and there won’t be judgement. Like, you don’t know where exactly everything is going to go but you’re just happy to know that you’ve found someone you can relate to. You can talk for days on end and the conversation never stops. You don’t have to hide anything and you can just be yourself. That feeling of freedom with someone you’ve grown close to is, well, freeing. 

Washing your face and putting on lotion and perfume. That feeling of cleanliness. That feeling of the lotion sinking into your sink and how days later you walk past a mirror and glance and notice how much better your skin looks. Spraying on a little perfume and then reaching up to fix your hair and smelling how the perfume blends with your skin. That feeling of loveliness. 

When you opt for water instead of the Cherry Pepsi. And noticing how your stomach doesn’t feel messed up. Knowing you’re doing something that is helping your body work better. But also knowing that it’s okay to drink a Pepsi and eat a cheeseburger sometimes, too. 

Slipping on a top that you’ve been gawking over for months. Looking in the mirror and liking what you see. How the straps glide perfectly over your shoulders and how it dips in your back. Where you’re showing enough skin to feel like a woman but not so much that you don’t feel like a lady. 

How the moles/birthmarks/spots that are on you are no longer annoying but feel like constellations all over you. Like each little bump and spot is from a specific time in your life. You can look down and laugh and remember where that scar came from, and reminisce to the time you were running and fell on top of a rock.  

Your memories of loved ones that have passed on are no longer sad. You remember the way they loved you and the way the thought of you. How they smiled at you when you were telling them a story or how you helped them when they weren’t able to do something. And now that feeling of emptiness you got when they left the world is now focused towards making sure you talk to everyone you love and being there for others, and not taking people for granted.

How you can finally look at that boy you thought you were in love with for so long, how you can look at him now and not feel upset. But feel okay knowing that even though that chapter in your life has closed, and you spent so much time wishing he’d just call you up, that none of that time was wasted because you needed that. You needed that slap in the face to know that all because he didn’t love you doesn’t mean you are unlovable. 

And after you forgot him you noticed someone looking at you. You are just sitting and talking with friends and you look up and he averts his eyes. He acts nervous when you come around. You can feel him staring at you even if he can’t see your face. It’s a weird feeling, but yet it makes you realize that there are other boys out there.   

Listening to music and letting it completely overtake you. Especially Sinatra. Hearing him sing those sweet words and just closing your eyes and fully taking in the words. Having little daydreams of life back in the days he was singing those songs. Daydreaming so far that when you snap out of it you don't remember where you are. Those are the types of moments I live for, when time seems to stand still. 

Driving through the mountains and looking at all the trees and clouds and rocks and all of this stuff that you don’t get to see all the time. Just staring out the window in awe. 

Going to the country and looking up at the sky. It’s completely black and all of the stars are super bright. You don’t get to see this in your hometown. You look up in complete disbelief. All of these little stars are there all the time, but you don’t usually pay attention/see them. You immediately begin trying to make shapes out of the stars.

When you start crying and can’t stop and someone comes up to you and gives you a hug and holds your hand. I never cried as hard as I did at my Grandaddy’s funeral. My cousin grabbed my hand. All of my family members hugged and kissed me and each other. It was a feeling of love and connection that I’ve never felt before. My heart still pounds thinking about the love in the room that day. 

That feeling when you face your fears. When you take a giant step into them and feel like your world is about to end but then realizing that it’s just the guy with red horns trying to take you down. You can sit and enjoy doing things because you know you are never alone. 

I’ve felt all of these little feelings in the past couple months. There are so much more but these are the ones on my mind right now. You can’t ignore these little feelings. 

And one of the most important feelings that I've felt over the past year is the feeling of self-love. Not a self-love that is narcissistic. I know if you google "narcissistic," "self-love" is listed as a synonym. It doesn't have to be a synonym. Self-love can be looking in the mirror and not wanting to cry. Looking in the mirror and saying "wow you look great today!" rather than "wow you are a cow." Self-love can be finally accepting yourself and loving the person you are becoming. Loving how you are finally able to wear your hair down without constantly worrying if someone is going to comment on how big it is. It's loving yourself enough to not be scared to go out in public wearing something you love. Self-love doesn't have to be a conceited obsession with oneself, it can be an accepting of oneself as you are and even though you know you have flaws, it's the way that you're made. God made you the way you are for a reason. Finally understanding that is what I think of as self-love. I've learned these past year is one of the most important things is to be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. 

Feel those feelings. Feel everything so fully that it makes your skin crawl. Love life. Even if times are hard just close your eyes and thank the Lord that he gave you another day. You've got this and you are never alone. 

Feel.