Art Stress.

The past few months have been insanely exciting but also incredibly emotional. This year overall has been that way, actually. 

Adjusting to life after some things and events that stalled my life a bit hasn't been super easy. I'm thankful to have a wonderful God above who has kept a smile on my face and has held me through it all. I don't know what I'd do without him. 

From about May to September of this year, I kind of lost my motivation to draw and create. I never felt inspired to draw or write like I used to. I drew here and there but not on a regular basis. It's weird how not doing something as little as drawing or writing throws me off. 

Thankfully, I've started drawing and writing everyday again. Ddrawing and writing gives me substance. I feel better when I do it. It feels right. You know when you ace a test or see someone you haven't seen in a while? That weird mix of butterflies and relief that you feel during those situations is exactly how I feel when I draw. It's like my insides are screaming "yes! You did it! You are doing great!" 

It's still weird to me sometimes to think that drawing and art is what I'm studying. I'm in school for this. It's not just a little hobby anymore. I'm in school to try and make a living off of this. Instead of buying textbooks, I have to buy pencils and paper and all of these fun things. It's weird thinking that my school work is creating art. My professors encourage us to draw and create everyday. It went from being in high school and being told not to draw/doodle during class to "hey, some people need to doodle to pay attention, so it doesn't bother me." I've been in college for nearly two years now and it's still strange to me. Drawing a portrait in my free time isn't goofing off anymore, I'm sharpening my craft. This is what I want to do forever. 

That being said, even though I'm incredibly inspired and thankful I'm here, I still get down sometimes. I'm surrounded by so many people that are artists, too. So many beautiful, creative, inspiring people. I admire their work and am so inspired by them. They unknowingly push me to be a better artist. I love being around these people. But sometimes I let the thoughts of "you can never be better than them. They are so much more talented than you. You have no future" slip into my brain. I hate it. I need to soak up the talent of these people and be driven by that. I see the sparkle in their eye and I am so inspired by that sparkle. I want to have that sparkle. But it's hard sometimes to be surrounded by all these amazing and interesting people, yet I feel like I'm the exact opposite. 

I've recently let people's words get to me again. I did a project in Literature class one day and I included a portrait I drew that related to the project. My teacher loved it. She was so sweet and asked me to sign it for her. I felt happy until some guy in the back snickered, "why? Is it going to be worth something one day?" It ate at me. I don't even know why. I felt like I had been punched. I hated it mostly because it made me flashback to a troll on Tumblr who told me that they didn't believe I was in art school because my drawings weren't good. 

An anonymous internet troll and this random guy in class, I let them crawl under my skin and make me feel worthless and I hate it. I know not everyone will like my art. I am okay with that. The only thing that irritates me is when someone makes snarky comments or is just flat out rude about it. You know Jackson Pollock? He's an insanely popular artist. His work isn't my favorite, but I don't think it's terrible. Everyone has different reasons they make what they do, and I respect that. I wish people would give everyone that same respect. Art is usually connected with someone's emotions, so I reckon when I make something and am proud of it then someone tells me that "they don't believe I'm in art school" or whatever, it hurts.

These thoughts have been rampant in my mind recently, especially since I have to do BFA reviews next week to see if I get accepted into the Bachelor of Fine Arts program. Needless to say I'm insanely nervous. I'm really hoping I'll be accepted. I just wish I had more confidence in my craft. I love what I do. I love drawing. I just hate feeling like I'm still not good enough even after 10 years of drawing. I know it's just evil thoughts trying to bring me down, but it's still so hard to push through them sometimes. 

I don't understand my thoughts sometimes. I've accomplished a lot and it's weird that I still feel like I haven't done anything. 

I know God gave me this gift for a reason. I know he did because when I draw, I transport out of the present and calm down. I feel at peace and it just feels right. I can't imagine not drawing. I've been doing this for 10 years now. I know I must be in the right place. I just hope a feeling of "you are good at this, don't stop" comes soon.