Craving.

Walking through the traffic on a Monday

In the town I grew up. 

Shelter from the rain in every doorway

It's dark and everyone's numb.

Kids are making faces in the bus lane

But nobody looks up.

Everyone's life the same as yesterday

Just like the ticking of clocks.

And I'm craving, craving, craving something I can feel.

Where do I go, what do I need, is it ecstasy or is it fear?

Am I on my own, am I even close

'Cause I'm craving, craving something I can feel

Never thought the night could get so lonely

'til she called me up.

Never thought these streets could've out-grown me

I guess it wasn't enough.

So I put my faith in everyone around me

Then she sold all my stuff.

Sheer and wild abandon that's all I need

And someone I can trust. 

Take me far from streets and roads

Lead me out in the night.

Don't show me the way back home

 - "Craving" by James Bay 

This past Monday I went for a stroll around Target with my cousin when our pool plans got rained out. I had been listening to James Bay on Spotify for the past week, and I really wanted to get his album. I went into the CD section, and lucky for me there was just one left setting on the shelf. I purchased that beautiful little album and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon with my cousin. 

Once I left her house, I turned it to my favorite song of his, Need the Sun to Break. I sang my little heart out. I listened to his other songs and listened to the words James sang. Long story short, it's been nearly a week and I'm afraid I may have burned a hole in my CD already. There were only two albums of mine that I was able to play all the way through without skipping, Keith Urban's Ripcord and Fleetwood Mac's Rumours. Chaos and the Calm by James Bay was added to the list.

This isn't supposed to be an album commentary, (though I would love to do that), it's a revelation I've had while I was listening to his album. A revelation that I've had numerous times but this time it seemed to hit me a lot harder than previous times. 

I've realized recently how important it is to peel ourselves away from our screens/social media and focus on tangible things and things that better the soul. A bit contradictory saying this in a blog post, since I'm currently typing this and staring at a screen, but it's the only way I can write and it be available to more than one person. (I would actually love to write you all individual letters, but I'm not a very fast writer and I'm sure you wouldn't want sporadic 3-page letters arriving in your mailbox.) There are positive sides to social media, but for me personally, it is more of a negative influence than positive. 

I find myself almost constantly looking for acceptance online. Looking for someone or something to make me feel like I have some kind of purpose. I've been guilty of posting a photo of myself I really like, then constantly checking back to see if it got likes. I hate this. People clicking a heart or a thumbs up on me shouldn't define me, but I let it. I see other girls with hundreds of likes on their photos, and soon I automatically assume I must be the lumpy, dull apple on the pile of smooth, shiny apples. Likes mean nothing. Yes, likes can make a post go viral, likes are a way to show someone you read something. They aren't a bad thing, I like photos a lot. I'm not against likes. I'm against how they make me feel. Because when I think about it, sometimes I don't like people's photos, but I'm sitting there looking at the photo they posted thinking about how much I miss them or how beautiful I think they are. There could be people doing this about me, which I'm much happier knowing rather than if they hit a thumbs up on my selfie. And I still like posting selfies, it's just the mechanics and mindset I absentmindedly put on myself after I post it. 

How does James Bay come into this exactly? Well, every once in a while, I seem to stumble upon a musician or actor that seems to have a different sparkle in their eye. I see it and grab hold of it because it's a particular kind of sparkle that I am just crazily drawn to. They're the kind of people that I find myself thanking God for. I know I probably sound like a crazy woman, but like I said before, bear with me. I have always been fascinated with Hollywood, musicians, movies, celebrities, everything and anyone considered "famous." I've been told before how liking these things is silly, and how there are millions of other people claiming to have "personal connections" with those in the spotlight. I know that I will most likely never meet these people, and I know it's sort of impossible to have a connection with someone you haven't met. But my imagination, passion, heart, and soul have always been big, and I don't plan on squeezing it into a more "mature" reality anytime soon. I've always tried to find some kind of spiritual connection, or just some type of connection with artists I admired. (I hate admitting this, I can just see a sea of people rolling their eyes and shaking their heads.) With James Bay, I found that connection through his lyrics and the way his voice moves throughout a song. It's like I have a giant row of light switches in my chest with a different emotion, and every time I feel like I connected with the artist or something they did, a light switch flips on. James Bay came in and flipped the dusty, yet well beaten, switch labeled "Soul Reconnect." 

My soul is an interesting place. It's a smorgasbord. There's daisies, God's love, charcoal covered hands, laughs that include snorts, and the most recent addition, one on one time with people. Most of you reading this know me pretty well, and you probably know I'm not the most outgoing person. I love people. I am so fascinated with people, but have never been able to efficiently express that fascination in a way that I felt wasn't creepy. If I'm attracted to someone I want to draw them. I find myself looking at facial features that I feel are often overlooked, like the the bridge of the nose or the curve of someone's eyebrows around their eyes. It's hard for me to ignore these things. I'm good at observing people, but I've never been good at talking and complimenting people in person. I can do it behind my phone screen but once I get in person I freeze up. I recently got two jobs, one working at an art gallery and another in a clothing store, both places centered around guests. I went from sitting at home with just my family to being put into public with strangers and having to talk to them, how frightening! And they talk back! And smile at you! Wow. What a revelation. I initially felt like working sucked all my personality out of me, but I'm learning that it is a balance of being professional but still injecting yourself into your professionalism. So far I've complimented strangers and started up a conversation about music with a coworker. Baby steps! 

I've also re-learned recently how I need to stop hiding myself. There are so many things that I love and things I do to express myself, but I'm afraid someone will see them and it be considered weird. It's not like I make voodoo dolls in my basement or anything, I keep telling myself that nothing I do or enjoy is crazy at all. The things that make me feel alive are nothing I should be ashamed of. I want to share them with others, but I often still feel like I will get looked down on for the way I live and believe. I often feel like I try hard to be a good person and try to fit in with my friends with similar beliefs, but I can't be that perfect person. I've come to accept that. The things that other people are inspired by and ignited by are not the same things I am affected by. And that doesn't make me a weird or bad person. I thrive from having one on one time rather than being in a giant group of people. I feel like I have a closer connection with God when I'm sitting alone in silence rather than worshiping in an congregation. My heart races whenever I hear/read words that make dull words sound like they were sung by angels. There's actually one song that has come out recently that I feel perfectly describes how I feel regarding spiritual experiences, it's called "My Church" by Maren Morris. I get chills and tears in my eyes every time I hear that song. I didn't mean for this to be a religious post, but hey, wherever the road takes ya, just thank God and muddle through it. I love church, I love hearing hymns and reading the Bible, I thrive off of Sundays spent in my little hometown church. But I think it's also okay to find spiritual blessings from outside of the church walls and outside of things deemed Christian. There's a lesson in everything. When I draw people, I feel like I just encountered God. When I listen to particular songs, I feel like I just encountered God. Even if the songs or people I'm drawing don't believe in/aren't about God. He gives all of us gifts and I think he uses people who may not believe in Him to showcase these gifts and lessons. 

So, what on Earth am I saying? I intended this to be a little blurb on social media and the effects of it and how I've overcame some of it, but it ended up being a letter and reminder to myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with who I am. I am in an extremely adventurous and scary time in my life. I am craving something more than just online acceptance. I am craving something I can feel. Craving the feeling of being loved and accepted for who I actually am, and learning to love and accept myself. I never knew buying a little black album with a hat-adorned British lad on it would put so much perspective on what I am really here for. The name of his album is particularly fitting for this time in my life, Chaos and the Calm. 

-Rachel xx