I haven't posted since July 1st. I've written a few things but never felt like they're worthy enough to post. I was in the middle of writing a post called Forgive Me, but then I was like, you know what? I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for the things I was writing about. I've been so insecure about the things I was writing about for so long, but right now I want to say that I am not sorry.
This summer was lovely, but I saw a lot of people's true colors. Several people that I cared about started treating me like I was worthless and I lost a couple people I thought I was close to.
All summer and these past few weeks of school, I've been hating myself because of how big and open my heart is. I let so many people in and trusted people who just treated me like an annoying gum wad stuck on their shoe. I want to say that I don't regret anything that happened, because honestly I do. I wish none of it happened. I wish everything was happy and jovial like I like it being. But life is not like that. I'm thankful for those hurtful times because they made me come to the realization that I'm not sorry for how big my heart is.
I'm not sorry for believing people wouldn't misuse my trust. I'm upset at all the drama I had to go through for people who would not go through it for me. I'm upset that I thought I was making new friends when in reality they could care less about me. I'm upset that people who I thought I was close to don't talk to me for months on end, even when I try to reach out to them. I'm upset as the years go by that it seems like my group of friends is getting smaller and smaller. But I'm done with believing I am the problem. I know I have faults and I'm not saying that I'm a perfect friend, because I'm definitely not. But I know that all my fizzled-out friendships aren't from me being who I am. I've learned that you can't be bestfriends with everyone you meet. I've come to realize I'm not the problem, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I'm upset that I gave my heart to a boy who doesn't seem to care for me anymore. It hurts that someone can act so supportive and loving towards you, then turn around and not speak to you for months. It hurts. It hurt then and it still does right this minute. I feel like such an idiot, but it broke my heart into a zillion little pieces. I liked a guy for years before it hit me that he didn't like me the way I liked him. I got over him, and it hurts that the first person I genuinely liked and cared for after him seems like such a distant memory now, almost like it never happened. I'm still not over it. I should be. I should be moving on. I'm kind of embarrassed at how much it's affected me. But I'm not sorry for giving my heart so freely to you. I would give it to you again if you needed it, which might be contradictory to the whole point of this entry. I'm thankful for those times we did have conversations and I'm thankful for you support, because I still support you and hope you're doing amazing.
I'm not sorry for doing things that make me feel safe and comforted. I stay up late just to draw or to write lame poems that no one will ever read. I thrive off that kind of emotional release. I need to get better about time management and making sure when I promise I'll draw somebody something that I'll actually do it. I tend to work on impulse when it comes to artwork and I know that isn't a good habit if I want a career in art. I'm working on it. Drawing is very personal and has more of an emotional connection to me than it ever has, especially since school started back. I am sorry for taking so long on some of your commissions, I genuinely am, and I promise I am working on them.
I'm not sorry for being so stand-offish to new people. I can be friendly towards people, but after all the things that happened this summer, I am a little leery of people now. I still will welcome new people with open arms but I'm not so free to open up on details of my life anymore unless I feel 100% secure with you. I have an open heart, but please realize that it'll take time for me to warm up to you.
I am definitely not sorry for my heart. I'm not sorry for loving the people I did this summer. I'm not sorry for feeling so much and so vibrantly that it physically hurts at times. I'm not sorry for crying every time I watch Almost Famous. I'm not sorry for giggling like a school girl whenever I see David Spade. I'm not sorry for who I am or who I am becoming. I'm 20 years old now and finally realizing this is who I am. I'm always going to love anyone who shows love towards me. I'm always going to want to be trusting of everyone I meet, but I'm learning to put my guard up.
I don't feel like faking being happy anymore. Because more frequently recently I haven't been happy. I've been pretty sad and feeling defeated. A lot has been happening, even more than I wrote up here. I'm not like, sitting in a puddle of my own tears every night. I just feel hollow at times. Like, I am happy, but there's a emptiness that is tickling my insides. I've been trying to pinpoint what is causing it. I'm still searching and getting guidance from the sweet Lord above. In time it'll all be okay. I can tell that I am headed towards somewhere where I truly belong, even if it's just for this season of my life. At this current moment, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I needed to write this. I needed to let this out. Thank you for reading (if you made it this far.)
To end, here is part of James Bay's song Best Fake Smile that has seemed to describe how I've been feeling lately. (Because sometimes I feel like music written by others explains how I feel better, and more beautifully, than I can.)
No you don't have to wear your best fake smile
Don't have to stand there and burn inside
Oh oh oh if you don't like it
She's working late and making eyes at the door
She's sick of everybody up on her floor
She wants the sun in her eyes but all she gets is ignored
She used to put it out and get it all back
But now she's slipping trying to carry the act
She's sweating under the lights, now she's beginning to crack
Woah
No you don't have to wear your best fake smile
Don't have to stand there and burn inside
Oh oh oh if you don't like it
And you don't have to care so don't pretend
Nobody needs a best fake friend
Oh oh oh don't hide it
No hesitation now she gets up and walks
She thinks of all the pain and pride that it cost
She empties all the tip jars and won't get back what she lost
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