(First and foremost, I want to make it clear that I am aware I have no idea what it is like to go through such a traumatic event firsthand. I hope I never know. Please don't take this as that.)
I was on Twitter the other day, taking a break from cleaning. I saw a local radio host Tweet something about a "possible explosion" at an Ariana Grande concert. I was very confused at first. I sat in my floor reading nearly every tweet about it for hours. I saw all of the news unfolding before my eyes, from the initial confusion to the heartbreaking conclusion that has been developing every day since. I felt frozen. I started seeing Tweets about missing children, I saw videos of people running, I saw Ariana's tweet that carried so much heartbreak. I was mentally paralyzed by all of this. I didn't know why I was so hurt by it, but then I remembered.
Back in February, my sister got my Ariana tickets for my 21st birthday. I was so happy. I was so happy to be at the concert. I had the best time of my life. I was dancing and singing and I felt so hopeful. I left with heart eyes. She was amazing. The energy was amazing. I got a tshirt that brought so much comfort to me in the coming months. It was a memory of that great night.
I started thinking about that night once I heard this news. I felt guilty. I remember so many young girls at the concert, toddlers to teenagers. I thought of those same girls at the concert in Manchester. I thought of them getting injured and losing their life for no reason. They did nothing. I can barely see my screen while typing this. It was so unfair. How come I had survived my concert, but these young girls didn't? Why? Why am I still here and these little girls aren't? I have a bad habit of when a tragic event happens, I tend to put myself in their shoes. I don't know why. It happens almost automatically. I know it may be insensitive to do that, but I always have.
I prayed so hard. I prayed and prayed that it wasn't real. I couldn't handle it. There's no way anyone is this cruel to do this to young people. Still, I cannot fathom it. I never will be able to. And then the fact that Ariana felt responsible just tore me to bits. Her concert is all about love and inclusiveness. She told us she loved us, and I to this day know she meant it with her whole heart. I love her right back. Ever since I saw the first episode of Victorious. I hate that her photo is being plastered everywhere with this horrid story. I hate these beautiful individuals had to go through such a horrific event. I hate it all so much. I want to change it. I feel so helpless.
I couldn't listen to her music. I know Ariana had nothing to do with it, but for some reason I felt guilty that I could listen to her when others couldn't. (I'm sure by now you can tell I have a bad habit of blaming things on myself that I have no control over.) After I heard the news, all I wanted to do was wear my comfortable tshirt I got from the concert, the one I wear whenever I'm feeling anxious. I couldn't even do that. I didn't want to look at it. Some of the joy seemed to vanish. Then, the next day while I was painting I had my Spotify on shuffle. Her song, "Be Alright" came on. I almost skipped it, but decided to let it play. It was like I was being sent a message of comfort. The song had gotten me through some minor trials earlier this year. Hearing "Baby, don't you know all of them tears are going to come and go. Baby, you just gotta make up your mind that every little thing is going to be alright." and "the hard times are golden, cause they all lead to better days. We're going to be alright." It sent a surge of comfort throughout my body. I was still sad, but I felt a ping of hope. It was a strangely spiritual moment. Out of all the songs of hers I have on my Spotify, that one popped up. I don't think it was a coincidence. I don't believe anyone when they tell me music isn't powerful, or that pop singers aren't deep/influential. My love for celebrity may seem silly, but until you're moved by one to the point of tears, you won't ever understand. (I'm listening to it right now as I type this. My eyes are still full of tears.)
The whole situation really scared me, I won't lie to you. I started thinking about all the beautiful things that happened to me, I began to felt like they didn't even matter. I didn't feel deserving of them. I was scared to go to any other large social event. I felt like our peace was gone. I didn't feel safe. But as the days have progressed, I've realized that I can't live like that. None of us can. I'm still in a state of disbelief. I have always been vigilant of my surroundings, but especially recently. It's good to be aware but I can't let it control my life. I've always struggled with that. I'm still not over it. I've also learned that continually reading stories about it on my phone and on social media is not helping me. I have been debating on the idea of just deleting every social media I own and taking a break. My peace has been tested so many times and I feel like reading those stories constantly isn't helping me.
Ultimately, I don't believe that evil will win. I don't believe that we are crumbling. With each tragic event that happens, I squeeze hands with my loved ones tighter, I become kinder, I become more loving. I don't take moments for granted. I tell people I love them more. I continue trying to spread my light as much as I can. But I want you to know that if you ever notice an absence from me in the digital sphere, I'm most likely being more present in the real world.
My prayers go out to the victims and their families, to those who are hurting physically or emotionally from this event, and to Ariana. I love all of you. I wish I could help in some way, the only way I know to help is through my prayers. Ariana, I know you will never see this, but you have been such a light to these young people's lives. We all love you. We love the love you share. We love the light you bring. You are not at fault for any of this.
Though they intended evil against You And devised a plot, They will not succeed.
-Psalm 21:11
-Psalm 21:11
From the Dangerous Woman tour in Nashville.
I pray that we all become stronger, love harder, and spread peace always. I'm ready to commit to my journey of finding myself again, because I've lost her in these past few days. This evil will not prevail. Evil will not shake us.
- Rachel xx
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