let me breathe, a poem in 2 parts.

let me breathe 5-6-18

I want to be an artist
I am an artist
but nowadays everyone is an artist

I'm happy for the freedom of expression
how anyone can pick up a pen or brush and create
but they don't get it

They don't get how much work goes into art
how much work goes into being an artist

I know I sound selfish, conceited even
like I don't want to share art with others who want to be artists
I just hate how easily the word is thrown 

Every store carrries sketchbooks now
when I was starting out, only one store sold them
No one wanted sketchbooks then

Everyone claims to be an artist
but I think it's a special breed
it's not just a cool word to label yourself

When you're an artist, you can feel it
even if your work isn't deeply personal, you can feel it still
it's something you have to do
not something you force yourself to do to seem cool

For me, art is survival 
it's my home

I've always believed if you truly are something...
you don't have to shout it 
you just are 

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let me breathe pt 2   5-6-18

i am suffocating
i am confused

i process emotions by talking
but not everyone wants to talk

i feel like i work my hardest
but it's never good enough

i fight the intrusive thoughts 
but they still attack me

i am able to rationalize my fears
but they still steal my sleep

i laugh and smile to enjoy my day
but i remember that there's still something missing

i do one thing for myself
but then the guilt gnaws at me

i feel so alone sometimes.
i am told that i'm not alone in how i'm feeling.
but yet, i've yet to meet someone who fully understands the thoughts.
the intrusive thoughts that consume me to the point i act impulsively,
often saying things i regret to the people i care about most.
and i can't take them back. 
i have to live with them.
even if i apologize for my words, my guilt tells me it's not enough.
that i'm not enough. 
i'm never enough.
those thoughts are irrational.
my counselor tells me that i'm intelligent and that she's impressed i can rationalize the irrational.
well, that's wonderful!
but i don't believe the rationalization my mind does.
it feels fake.
i feel fake sometimes.
this anxiety and whatever else is wrong with me steals my joy.
and it's so hard to bounce back.
i'm trying.
i'm trying.

it never feels like it's enough. 

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