22.

I reckon 22 isn't a milestone birthday, but it feels like one. 

I know it's been no secret to many who know me and pay attention to my posts that I have been going through a hard time. I think the age I'm at, the stage of life I'm in, the events happening around me, and some personal struggles are clouding my thoughts and it's become increasingly hard to function normally. 

Let me break it down. 

Every thought, every emotion, every kind word that crosses my path-- my mind immediately questions it and worries about it and criticizes it. If you don't know what exactly that feels like... let me explain further with a real-life inspired situations.

Kind Person: Hi Rachel! I love what you're wearing.
Me: *smiles nervously* Thank you so much! *wonders if they really mean it or if they just say it because they feel bad for me.*

(in conversation about a hard life event)
Kind Person #2: You're strong, and you can get through this. I have faith in you.
Me: Thank you, I know I just need to keep pushing through. *I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this. I am falling apart and no one understands. There is no way that I'm strong. There's no way that this will end good. I have to make a decision now in order to feel better.*

Sadly, this has become my reality this year. Thankfully, it's not always daily. And even when it is daily I have moments where my thoughts don't do this. But when they do, it overtakes the happy thoughts. And I haven't discovered a way to cope yet. I pray, I drink tea, I read, I try to do all that I can. But I haven't discovered a surefire way to cope. Those things do help, but momentarily. 

Being in a long distance relationship, especially with someone you haven't met yet is really taking its toll on me. I don't want to give all the details, because it's something very near and dear to my heart and I don't feel like I need to just lay it out in front of you. But just imagine waking up, going throughout your day, and going to sleep at night, consistently talking to the one you love, but you can't physically see them. The whole communication is electronic, through a screen, through typed words. It's crippling. Especially for my first serious relationship. It stinks. Every time I have to hang up my phone from a call I feel like my heart is shattering. It's not fun. Thankfully, he's coming here in 3 weeks. Three weeks. I'm excited but thinking about going 3 more weeks in this mindset is excruciating. 

Sometimes things feel so hard due to my emotions that I just want to rinse my hands of it all. I want to just drop everything I've worked for so I can feel like I have some sort of control on my life. To feel like I actually understand what's happening, not to the full extent but even just a little bit. I'm stubborn sometimes and wish I could just see the full picture. But I can't. 

Again, sparing the intimate details. I have gone back to counseling. I've already learned that my mind warps things. My mind is critical and I am confused by everything that's happening around me. It's crippling. And I desperately pray that it all gets better soon. Because I was happy. I was so joyfully happy last year. I was so excited for the future and for every little detail, and now I think I'm scared and want to stay back where it's safe. I don't know what's really going on. I'm terrified. Waking up feeling hopeless is not fun. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

And there are moments where this isn't so hard. I have my moments of peace and clarity and worry-free thoughts. And I get so excited and so happy. And then 20 minutes later, I'm feeling like I could burst into tears any second and feel like I need to immediately remove myself from any situation I am in in order for it to stop. 

I just want the worry to stop. I miss being so fully happy. I miss it so much. I know it'll get better. It'll take time. But after struggling with this off and on for the past two months, I selfishly wish that I could just see what's happening in the big picture so  I could shrug it off and move on. But life doesn't work that way unfortunately. 

I'm trying. I really am. If you could continue to keep me in your prayers, I'd appreciate it. I'm hoping the fog clears soon.