#ILoveWhoIAmBecause

I was watching Dancing With the Stars tonight when one of my favorites, Bethany Mota, came on. I've loved her for years now and I still get so happy when I see her bright smile on my TV screen.

This week the stars had to think of the most memorable moment in their life. Bethany's was when she began her YouTube channel after years of being bullied and feeling insecure about herself.

I really identified with her story and felt like I should share mine.

I don't really remember when I became aware of my appearance and starting becoming insecure. I believe it was in fourth grade after a not-so-kind comment made by one of my classmates. He kind of said it in a joking way, but I remember I kept thinking about it days later, and even years after. I never really thought about my looks, especially how my face looked, and that's what his comment was about.

Middle school was the time when my insecurity hit me like a freight train. I really wanted to be in the "scene" look. I had gone from wearing pink and other bright colors in elementary school to craving a closet full of band shirts and skinny jeans. I wanted bangs and wanted to wear dark makeup. Well, I got some band shirts. I got some skinny jeans. I got bangs. (Still gagging over those.) And I invested in some hip Mary-Kate & Ashley glittery black eye shadow. Even though at the time I felt like I had found myself, looking back I know I really hadn't. I wore tight band shirts, skinny jeans, and converse. I straightened the heck out of my bangs and never wore my hair down. I wore black eye shadow and got asked if I had a black eye. (That was the end of the black eye shadow.) I felt pretty happy for sixth and seventh grade. Eighth grade, oh eighth grade....

Eighth grade started out pretty swell. I had lots of friends and even got my first boyfriend. I felt like my life was perfect. That year, I lost a lot of friends. I didn't have a boyfriend anymore. I got braces and talked with a lisp for about three months. It took me a while to get back up on my feet. I finally did and had a great time in eighth grade, until one of my old friend's boyfriends, well, to save you from  a long story, basically called me ugly.

This little comment from a stupid guy who I had never even met screwed with me. I was upset for a long time. I never really told anyone about it. I was even more upset my friend didn't seem to really care that he said that about me. I started feeling ugly. I'd cover my mouth when I smiled or laughed, I made sure my bangs covered most of my face. I just felt awkward and like I didn't really belong.

High school hit. I was really excited, but felt like a little fish in a big pond. I had friends and everything, but I still had this lonely feeling. Many things happened freshman year. I lost friends. I made new ones. I was infatuated with this one guy. I had plenty of happy times, but a lot of my insecure thoughts and lack of confidence crept up and attacked me numerous times throughout my high school days.

I had often felt like I lived in the shadow of my big sister. She always had boyfriends, people had crushes on her, I felt like everyone absolutely adored her and I was just, there. She was so small and pretty, I felt huge and ugly. I stood at a towering 5'8, which was quite a few inches more than everyone else in my class. I just felt, huge. I was always jealous of my sister, everyone would tell me "your sister is so pretty!" and things along those lines. Which are true things, she is gorgeous and a fun person to be around, but hearing that, especially when I was feeling like I wasn't cared about, was like a dagger through the heart. And I can't even tell you how many people told me that about her, and a lot of guys would ask me if she was single and things along those lines. Which was also something not very comforting for me to hear.

It felt like everyone around me was dating. Everyone had crushes on each other. People had crushes on all my friends. People were going on dates and hanging out with guys. I hadn't had a boyfriend since eighth grade. I thought something was wrong with me. Why were all these other girls and my friends have boyfriends and boys chasing them and I didn't? Was I ugly? Was it because I was tall? Did people think I was mean? Just, why? Why was I the one giving boy advice and helping other people through relationships but I was just, sitting there by myself. I didn't get it. Maybe I just wasn't pretty enough.

Yes, there were a couple guys that seemed to show some interest in me. But I'm just going to rip off the Band-Aid here, I was played more times than I like t think about. I gave so much time and attention to some people who treated me like trash. I wasn't respected. I was just happy I was getting some type of attention. The questioning began again. Am I ugly? What's wrong with me? Why?

I can't really explain how I felt in words. I'm a pro-overthinker. My mind was eating me alive. I literally felt like scum. I looked at other girls and wished I was them. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be little with straight hair and perfect teeth. I wanted boys to fall in love with me. I wanted this attention. But here I was. A girl with outrageous curly hair that was always in a bun or a braid, with a tall lanky build, and braces. Everyone else just seemed so mature. I still felt like I was in fifth grade.

There was a day sophomore year that literally pains me to talk about. I remember bottling up all of these emotions for so long. I never told anyone how awful I felt about myself. I never admitted to hating myself. Everyone's compliments of me went in one ear and out the other. The judgmental looks/snarky comments towards me are what stuck. I couldn't take it anymore. My mind was going to kill me. I went to tennis this particular afternoon. I remember walking on the court and doubting everything. Why was I here? Did anybody even really care? What would people do if I wasn't here? I remember just staring into the sky and wondering all of these things. One of my teammates made a joke (like we always did, we were a very sarcastic/jokey team) at me, I blew up. I walked off the court and sat on a bench and cried. People kept asking me what was wrong. I just wanted to leave. I didn't want to admit that I felt like everyone hated me and that I hated myself. I didn't want to admit that I was jealous of literally everyone I knew. I remember going home that night and just crying. I felt like I had lost all hope. I still felt like no one understood. My faith, my precious faith had felt like a lie. I didn't know what to do.

That summer, I went to church camp. I was still feeling these things. I still felt ugly. I remember even being nervous that I had to wake up with everyone in my youth group and that they might see me without makeup on. It terrified me. And these were people that I knew wouldn't judge me, but I still felt like seeing me like this would change their opinion of me.

That same time at church camp, I had the most wonderful camp counselor in the world. I remember being so excited to go to his class and do activities with him and other campers. I felt like he understood. Finally,someone who understood me and he didn't even  know it.

That night. That beautiful, wonderful, fantastic, beautiful, beautiful night. The people running the camp were playing "God of This City" and I burst into tears. Everything I had worried about for the past couple years felt lifted. I felt, I can't describe. That's something you don't know how it feels until you feel it. I went up to my camp counselor and he gave me the biggest hug that anyone has ever given me. I never felt so loved by someone I had only known for a few days. He asked me how I was feeling, I couldn't even get words out, I just remember crying. He prayed for me. I will never ever forget that moment. For the first time in years, I wasn't thinking of how I looked, I wasn't worried what people thought of me as I went to the front of the room into my counselors arms. I just, I felt like someone understood me. Someone was there that knew exactly what I was going through. My hope came back that night. That was the night I decided to get baptized.

Months after camp, I still felt hopeful. But I eventually fell back into my old ways of thinking. I felt ugly and unwanted again. I felt like an outcast. Some of the unkind comments came back and haunted me. I started taking people's little innocent jokes towards me as insults. I hated how poofy my hair was, I hated my big nose, I hated my tallness, I hated my small chest, I hated how small my teeth were. Literally  every little miniscule thing about me, I would stare at and hate. I even hated sitting beside people because I thought they would look at my profile and notice how bumped my nose was. It was an absolutely a pathetic way of life I was slowly crawling back in to.

Senior year of high school came. Things started happening. I tried to shed all of these hateful feelings towards myself. I started wearing less makeup. I wore my hair down. I wore clothes I liked. I tried to think positive and focus on things besides my looks. I tried to talk to more people. Something happened that year. My little shell began chipping away. That tall, curly headed girl was accepting herself. She no longer looked in the mirror and said, "who could love this face?" she said, "this is me and I'm happy."

Now that I'm in college, I've found myself. I found that girl who was there that night of church camp again. I found that looks aren't everything. I found that I'm not ugly. I found the people in my life that really matter and who really care for me. I found that all because you're single doesn't mean you will be forever. And yeah, there are days still where I feel ugly. A lot of them. There are days where I am tempted to take scissors to my head and chop these Ramen noodles off my head. But this is me. This is who I'm supposed to be. I'm made this way for a reason.

#ILoveWhoIAmBecause
I can make people laugh. I can reach things off top shelves. I love too hard. I like to scrapbook. I love my legs. I can draw. I love to dance even though I'm bad at it. I've stayed true to myself all my life, even though I've been tempted not to a couple times. I'm a good listener. I never have to use volumizing shampoo. I like my eyes. I love the way I dress.

All I'm trying to say is that that girl who broke down sophomore year of high school because of insecurities, was just rolling on the floor, with messed up hair and worn-off makeup, laughing and feeling truly happy. Things do get better. Things become happy again. Don't beat yourself up. Take tons of selfies. Compliment other people. Be nice. Make yourself some hot chocolate. Put on makeup and feel good about yourself, but then take it off and feel even better about yourself. You're awesome.

 

 

 

Be kind to yourself.

Love your curly headed art major who just ate a whole footlong Subway sandwich,

Rachel xx

Dorm Tour.

I promised this ages ago. Forgive me for just now getting to it!

So, as most of you all know, I'm now in college. My first day here was August 21st, so I've been here for well over a month now. It really doesn't seem like that short of a time, I feel like it's been a zillion times longer. But anyway...

When I first found out that I was going to be attending university, I immediately thought of my dorm. I couldn't wait to decorate it and make it super homey. That was my main goal, make the dorm homey so you won't get so homesick. Thankfully, that thought has helped me a great deal in living here. I do go home every weekend (I don't live far from home at all, really) but it's nice to have a "home away from home" of some sorts.

Here are some pictures of this "home away from home."

 

You can click on the pictures to enlarge!

 

 

This is what's always on my desk, so I can just pick it up and run to my classes. I don't carry a wallet, just a little Vera Bradley keychain wallet thing to hold my school ID & such. Carrying this to class is so much easier than lugging a purse around. Oh, and funny story, that Hello Kitty clock was my alarm clock, but I knocked it off my desk about three times. It no longer works as an alarm clock, or keeps time. ):

 

 

 

This is where I do all of my assignments. "Organized Chaos" is an appropriate term to describe this area. Everything has its place, but it's kind of tossed around a bit. I keep sticky notes at the top of my desk to remind myself of assignments and other tasks I need to complete. I have my planner that my university gave me, and I actually have another planner underneath my laptop. I like having multiple planners, I have a monthly planner (under the laptop), a weekly planner (pictured), and I keep a monthly/weekly planner in my backpack so I can write down assignments and due dates while I'm in class. Having three keeps me together, haha! And of course a remote control for our TV and an umbrella in case it rains. I don't know what kind of laptop I have, all I know it's an HP with Windows 8 on it. (I'm an art major, not a computer person, haha!) And I was watching one of my favorite Youtubers/Bloggers, Zoe Sugg in this picture, who actually has a blog that is phenomenal and is the one who inspired me to write a blog and make YouTube videos. (Still trying to fork up the courage to make a video, I'm working on that!)

 

(Not Pictured)
There are 4 drawers in the desk, three down the right side and one long one that takes up the remainder of the desk. The long drawer is full of odds and ends, mainly papers and decorations I didn't hang up. The other three drawers are as follows: #1 Emergency Drawer (medicines, band-aids, lint roller, etc). #2 Makeup/Toiletry Drawer #3 Textbook/Paper Drawer.

 

 

Here are a few other things that adorn my desk.
I keep my makeup in this little plastic organizer I found at Home Goods. I don't wear that much makeup, so I only put daily essentials on my desk.
I keep my pencils and pens in these plastic party cups I got at Walmart. The one in the back is a One Direction cup and the one in the front is a My Little Pony cup. They actually hold lots of pencils and pens so they're handy and adorable a the same time! :)

This little angel was a graduation gift from one of my middle school teachers. I keep it in front of everything as a reminder of peace. Everytime I look at it, I think of something or someone different, so it's very comforting to me.

My desk wall is a smorgasbord of different inspirational quotes/pictures and whatnot. The picture to the left is a picture I took at the One Direction concert, I drew the one of Harry and me, the cartoon of Little Mix (bottom one with four girls) is a drawing from a very talented girl on Tumblr, then there's a frolicking Harry Styles, the "Stop Being So Cute" picture of Perrie Edwards and Jesy Nelson from Little Mix, and a picture of my Grandma with Santa that I just adore. And the others are pretty self-explanatory. It keeps me sane while doing homework assignments to look up and see things that make you happy.

Above my desk is where my printer lives. On top of my printer, I have some printing paper, a book for class, a journal, and a Marie plushie that my cousin got me for graduation. Beside the printer, I have my desk lamp, a mirror, a jewelry box, a little Andy Warhol, a picture of my mom and me, and a little pink dolphin I got in a Happy Meal. The little white board above my desk is where I write my "things to get" type lists. This is the neatest part of my whole room, it's been over a month and it still looks as clean as this picture shows haha.Oh! And a cool thing about the desk lamp is that it has little containers for holding things in it, and it also has a outlet on the base, so I can charge my phone while I'm working. Loooooove it.



 

 



This is my décor and "it's gonna be okay" wall.

I decorated my side of the room with things that made me happy. The flower garland streamed across the upper wall of my little corner is homemade. I cut flowers out of scrapbook paper and then glued pictures in the middle of the flowers, then taped them onto a beaded string my mom had. I love it because it's a great way to have a ton of pictures up without them cluttering the wall too much.

The R is from World Market and the little Volkswagen Van metal sign is from Hobby Lobby. They're probably my favorite decorations I have in my room.

 

The "it's gonna be okay" wall is where I put up all of the things that make me happy. There's quotes, pictures, celebrities, bible verses, everything. I've added so many more things to it since I took these pictures, they're covered now! I made the dream catcher in one of my high school art classes. I keep it by my bed and it really calms me down if I'm feeling a little stressed. Above the dream catcher is a picture of my cousin Laura and me when I was in the Prom Fashion Show at school. She's like my sister/bestfriend/biggest motivator so I like to keep her up there! :)

 

 

This is my dorm. It's very comfortable and homey and I absolutely love it. It's really soothing to know that I can come back somewhere where I don't feel uncomfortable. <3

 

xx Rachel



Last Friday.

 

 

 

 

Last Friday was the first day I felt like this is where I needed to be.

 

I went to my Drawing class as usual. I forced myself out of bed and walked over to the art building. I set my supplies down and sat in my metal stool. I wasn't very excited for class, if I'm honest. I was tired and just wanted to crawl back in bed. My professor walked in, greeted us, then said we weren't going to be drawing boxes anymore. (We've been drawing boxes for two weeks and were all so sick of it.) We were told to grab our things and find a place outside to sit and draw whatever was in front of us. We haven't really had any artistic freedom in Drawing so far, we've been doing a lot of practices and basic skill drawings. I was pretty excited and walked outside with my class. I walked down some concrete stairs and found a metal table and chairs. I sat down and began drawing.

 

Two hours. Two hours I sat at the little metal table and drew. I don't think I've ever been as focused on a drawing as I was on the one above. Despite all the people that walked by, I stayed focused on my subject. I had this overwhelming feeling that this is where I needed to be. I felt at home. The time flew by, it didn't even feel like two hours. My professor looked up and gave me a five minute warning, I was like, "what?" It felt like I had only been sitting there for five minutes.

 

All in all, I just felt so peaceful. The picture above is where I sat for two hours. There are days here that I feel like I don't belong, but I'm trying to hold to that Friday. This is where I need to be at this time in my life.

 



September 11th.

There has been quite a lot on my mind lately. I started college, I've been studying for quizzes and trying to finish up art projects. I looked at my calendar last night and realized that 9/11  is today. I sat and thought for a while. I couldn't believe it's already been 13 years.

I was five years old on September 11, 2001. I don't remember a play by play of the day, I was too young to comprehend anything about the events that were happening around me. I have faint memories of the knowledge that something was happening. I'm sure I was painting or playing with toys in class when the news broke. I also have a faint memory of leaving school early, again, not knowing why. I remember sitting in our living room coloring while the TV was on. I do have vivid memories of seeing the planes crash on the TV. Again, having a 5-year-old mind I really didn't get what was happening and I went back to coloring.

School went on as normal in the following weeks. I remember, so clearly, one day we were each assigned a color to wear for a picture we were going to take. The colors were red, white, and blue. I believe I was assigned white. I remember my mom coming to school with a white shirt on as well. I think my friend Shelby had white on, too. I remember so vividly heading outside in the parking lot to take the picture. I remember it being an extremely sunny day. I remember holding the hands of Shelby and my mom. I remember laughing a lot and seeing everyone smile. We were assembled in rows. I looked up at a man on a cherry-picker thing with a camera. He snapped the picture. We all got the picture back a little while later. We were formed into a giant American flag. My favorite thing about the picture was that our rows weren't straight, there were gaps, and those imperfections just showed the innocence of all of the kids at our school. Most of us younger kids didn't know what was going on, but we were all happy to be together and make this beautiful picture. We were smiling, holding hands, we were just, together. I miss that childlike innocence, especially in a time like that. It was such a beautiful memory and I'm so happy that I was a part of it and can remember it vividly. Even though I still was unsure about all that was happening around me. We were together in that moment and that's all that mattered.

I still have the picture, and am absolutely gutted that I can't put it in this post right now. (I'm currently at school and my box of pictures is at home.) I also remember singing patriotic songs throughout elementary school. Everyone was so passionate about our country. We did so many patriotic inspired plays and things. I am incredibly saddened that I feel like that sense of pride in our country has faded over the years.

It wasn't until years later that I realized what had happened that late summer day. Every year in elementary school and a little in middle school we would watch something on TV about it, draw pictures or color something in memory of the event. In high school we always had a longer moment of silence and things along those lines. I couldn't believe that had actually happened. I had been alive when that happened.

Now that I'm in college, I can somewhat imagine what people must've been feeling the day it happened. People who weren't 5-year-olds playing with toys oblivious to everything, those who were frightened and confused. I actually take back my first sentence in this paragraph, I can't imagine how people were feeling. I can't imagine being a teacher and having to explain what was happening or to put on a happy face to not worry the students. I am so thankful for my kindergarten teacher for making sure we didn't know what was going on and got us all home safely. I am thankful for the people in my school and community who came together and showed me that we were strong and connected, even in the wake of a tragedy. I am thankful for parents who, even though we had the TV on, didn't make it the topic of conversation that would possibly worry my sister and me. I am just so thankful for the overwhelming outpouring of strength and unity that my town displayed after the event, even though don't live that close to New York. I remember it so vividly. I know I'm overusing that word, but it's the only word that seems to describe the memories.

We will never forget. No matter how many years pass, how many people try to erase it from their memory, no matter how many people make up ridiculous theories about what happened, it did happen and we cannot let it slip from memory. It was the day our country nearly fell apart but then immediately glued back together. No matter what you think about this country, its leaders, anything, we need to scrap all of those sour feelings and remember this day. Pray for those who lives were forever changed by this event. Pray for our country and our people. Pray for everyone. Just spend some time in thought. Even a couple minutes of reflection is better than none at all.

Always in our hearts.

________

I always  like to incorporate music into blog posts, whether it's listening to something as I write or including music that I feel goes along with the post. Here are some songs that came to mind while writing.

 I know some seem very random, they are just songs that reminded me of that time, what was going on in my life at the time, and other songs that are just comforting to listen to.

1. By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
2. You've Got a Friend in Me by Randy Newman
3. Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) by Alan Jackson
4. New York, New York by Frank Sinatra
5. Have You Forgotten? By Darryl Worley
6. Something to Be Proud Of by Montgomery Gentry
7. God Bless the USA by Lee Greenwood
8. For These Times by Martina McBride
9. In God We Still Trust by Diamond Rio
10. Been Here All Along by Hannah Montana

I remember listening to 3-9 growing up, we always had country radio on.

I'm sorry if this post is not the most organized. There are a lot of emotions flooding back now and I really needed to write them out.

<3
Rachel

I'm in College?!

Well, it's happening....

I am officially a college freshman. That sounds so peculiar to hear for some reason, am I really this far in life already? I still don't feel old enough, though I am happy I've seen a lot taller girls than me walking around campus. (So happy I'm not considered "the tallest girl in school" anymore.)

I have been here since Thursday, August 21st. Most of you already know from my numerous Facebook/Twitter/Instagram posts, but it was an extremely emotional day for me. The thought of living on my own in a dorm with a ton of people I don't know absolutely scared me. I now had my own little place to call my own, a little lofted twin bed that I was switching for my full bed. (Still not used to it, but I did sleep very well last night, so it's getting better!) I decorated my room as homey as a could, adorned with plenty of stuffed animals, pictures, quotes/verses, and of course, lots of pink and scattered things related to One Direction. I felt really homey at first, but once it hit me that my parents were about to leave, the tears began rolling. I cried a lot, off and on. It was definitely a day I wish I could forget. I had never felt more miserable and alone as I did that Thursday afternoon. I had barely eaten anything since Tuesday due to being to anxious. Everything that seemed so familiar began slipping away from me. My little hometown, my room I've lived in since I was a toddler, waking up to my mom vacuuming or my dad talking, it was all gone sooner than I ever thought it would be. I'd rather not go into any more detail, let's just sum it up with, my first day here was one of the worst days I've had in a while.

I woke up Friday still feeling a little sick to my stomach. I took a pepto (a little personal, but hey, we're all friends here) and got ready for my day. We had freshmen convocation. I was pretty nervous, but seeing other people that seemed just as nervous as me was strangely comforting. I didn't feel alone anymore. I got a free t-shirt and headed towards my new art family here. I was in group 47, and don't believe anything my school may tell you, those 70 groups were not in order. It took me about 10 minutes just to find my group. I asked another leader and he told me, "your group is the one by the tree where the blonde girl in the red shirt is standing." Well, I reckon he didn't realize that that description was HALF THE PEOPLE STANDING OUTSIDE THAT DAY. I just nodded and walked off, still confused. I saw group 46 and asked them where my group was, I came to find out it was on the other side of the big circle we were all standing around. I hiked it over there and found my group. It was small, but homey feeling. I could tell we were all kind of, for lack of a better word, outcasts. But in my overly-sentimental, cheesy way of seeing things, I believe we were all in the same group for a reason. We all got along extremely well. There were many laughs and stories we told one another. One guy in my group said that, "We are a family, us art kids have to stick together." Which warmed my heart in ways you couldn't imagine. Finally! A family I was a part of, and we all genuinely liked each other. We were all different but we fit together like a puzzle. Meeting them really made me feel like I did belong here. I had such a fun time with them for the few hours we had to spend together, but I was a little upset when I learned a lot of the art kids were commuters, so I haven't seen them on campus since Friday, so many of the events I went to, none of them were there.

Friday was the first day that there were some big events planned. I attended a few of them with my roommate and another friend I know here. We sat outside of "Casino Night", mainly because none of us knew how to play any of the card games. After "Casino Night" I had another rough night, which resulted in a pretty lengthy phone call with my mom. I started feeling homesick again. I tried to suck it up and we headed to another event, the "Ice Cream Social." We got there about 10 minutes after it started and they were already out of ice cream, we weren't very happy. We went and sat at a table and talked for a few then went back to relax in our dorms. My homesickness plagued me most of that day, but I was hoping it'd blow over soon.

Saturday, I was awoken to a knock at the door at about 9am. I assumed it was our RA and went to sleep. I fell back asleep for about 10 minutes and then woke up again to look at my phone, I had a missed call from an unknown number and from my mom. I was really confused so I called my mom back. Long story short, a car had broken down behind me and a wrecker had to come to move it, but my car was in the way. So campus police was knocking on my door and calling me asking to move my car. I slithered out of bed and threw on extremely mismatched clothes (I was still half asleep!) and walked outside where I was eventually greeted by campus police, who apologized for waking me up and then thanked me for moving my car. I came back in my dorm and ate some breakfast. We didn't have any events planned for early in the day, so after we ate, my roommate and I walked around campus to find our classes. We found them all and are so thankful that none of them are far from our dorm at all.

Later Saturday afternoon/night, we attended the block party. It wasn't the funnest thing, but it was pretty entertaining watching a bunch of people run around playing laser tag. I had worn my One Direction Where We Are concert tshirt that day, and I got stopped by an upperclassmen and we talked about how amazing the concert was. It was also reassuring to know that I'm not the only One Direction fan on campus, I felt like people had been looking at me weird for my shirt all day, so that was pretty comforting.

Another friend of mine and I went out to the Luau that was being held at the campus pool. I felt really out of place because it was full of fraternities and sororities. I really don't have any interest in joining one, I know they are great and it helps makes friends, but I just know in my heart that it isn't the place I want to be. They were really nice girls even though I think I offended one of them by thinking she was 19 when she was actually 21. (That's why you never ask someone, "how old do you think I am?") But hey, we got free leis and free food so it was a good time. My supper Saturday night consisted of a cookie, a soft pretzel, meatballs, chicken on a stick, fruit, and water. Not much of a supper but hey, it was free.

It's now Sunday and I woke to a lot of my decorations falling down, including my flower garland I made basically on top of me when I woke up. Not going to lie to you, I didn't wake up till about 11. I'm trying to enjoy sleeping in since these past few days were the only days that I could. Tomorrow is my first class, which begins at 8am. I'm going to make sure that I eat plenty today and get a good night's rest so I am awake and ready for tomorrow.

I want to thank every one of you that has sent good wishes and prayers my way. You have no clue how much it means to me. I've written them all down and taped them on my desk and pinned them to my corkboard that's right by my bed, so when I wake up I see them right away. And thank you all who have listened to me when I confided in you, sat through my long phone calls of me being overly-worrisome, and for just always being there. It means more to me than anything else in this world and is a big reason why I finally feel better being here and gives me motivation to succeed. I love you all so so so much. <3

And I just wanted you all to know, I have been eating,  I have been feeling much happier. I can tell that I've gotten my appetite back, because I was sitting in bed last night and felt as if I was starving, which hasn't happened in over a week now. I know there are still going to be some hard days ahead, but I finally feel that I can face them. God has been with me through this, and I've been feeling your prayers. I am forever thankful.

And I just checked my email, I already have an assignment that's due Thursday. And so it begins!

Rachel xx

A Reflection: Summer 2014.

Well, my summer vacation has come to an end. This vacation has been the longest one I've had since kindergarten, no joke. I've been out since May 9th, and it is now August 20th. Wowza. I've been so blessed to have such a great summer, so many things have happened, good and bad, but the good definitely outweighed the bad.

May.The last day of highschool was absolutely amazing for me. I got several hugs from people I never expected, which made the day even more special. There were so many smiles all around and it was lovely to see. It's a moment I'll never forget.

My graduation party was one of the highlights of my year so far. I got to see family, new friends, old friends,  church friends, and some people I hadn't seen in a while who were an absolute surprise when they showed up. I had started out that morning feeling a little, bleh, but once I started seeing people I loved I couldn't stop smiling.

Graduation was indescribable. I got to walk out on the field between two people that I've known since elementary school, and as cheesy as it sounds, it was so special to me. My favorite picture from graduation is the one where we're walking on the field, I have the biggest smile on my face. I felt so on top of the world in that moment, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I spent all night after graduation with my family, which is my favorite way to spend time. Especially with my family, never a dull moment!

June.
My first college experience. Scary stuff. I was very nervous and still am, but I'm praying it'll turn out just fine.

Nothing too monumental happened in June, but I remember being extremely happy.

July.
We went back to Michigan and it was absolutely gorgeous. We had a small vacation, only about three days, but it was beautiful. It was very chilly there compared to the Tennessee summer. Michigan as absolutely beautiful, I recommend you visit.

The 4th of July was fun. The 4th always reminds me of childhood, there is something so magical about it. The sparklers are always my favorite. And I got to see my grandparents and visit with them for a long time, which is very special to me.

I don't know if any of you are familiar with the Vine app, but if you are, you probably know a 20-something dude named Nicholas Megalis. (If not, google him, you won't regret it.) He is one of the funniest people I've ever seen, and I've had such a school girl crush on him ever since I found him. I got on Twitter one night right as he posted a tweet talking about a follow spree. With low hopes, I retweeted him, not expecting anything of it due to many failed attempts before. I got back on later on and saw that I had a notification. Well, low and behold it was Mr. Megalis. Granted, he followed 200+ people, but hey, I was one of them.

Another cool thing that happened, my favorite girl group is Little Mix. I had posted an edit on Tumblr of two of the members, Jesy Nelson & Leigh Anne Pinnock. Again, not thinking anything of posting it, I had posted pictures tons of times before. I was scrolling through Jesy's Instagram one day when something caught my eye, she had posted my edit on her Instagram. I stared at it for probably 10 minutes, comparing it to the original picture and making sure that it was my edit; and it was. I have no idea how she found it, but I am still so happy she did.

August.
August was probably the busiest, most exciting month. I finally went swimming, I hadn't been swimming all summer. Those are the times that I wish I had a pool, haha!

I also saw one of my best friends from preschool/elementary school, I hadn't seen her in four years so it was so amazing that we got to catch up and eat a burger. (Can't ever forget burgers.) It was very bittersweet, we are both in college now and I'm not sure the next time we'll see one another again, but I know we will. This friendship has been alive too long to fizzle out completely. You can never lose friends like that.

In the middle of the month we spent a week at my Grandma's house. Summer vacation at her house is always one of my favorite parts of the year. There was a lot of quality time spent with family, laughing and eating, and even just sitting together. We did all of the things we usually go out and do, get ice cream at Brusters, go to the beach, and visit my Grandpa. I am so incredibly blessed to have such an amazing family. I wouldn't trade them for anything. And I know I don't say it much, but I love all of you so much, you don't know how much your words and everything go with me everywhere I go.

Yesterday, I saw five boys that I have loved since early 2012. Five boys who've oddly made me feel like I'm beautiful and that I can be loved by someone. (Don't judge me, haha.) These five boys are One Direction. I'm not going to get too much into it, I'll just keep rambling on, but it was one of the best nights of my entire life. I still can't believe I saw them. So entertaining, so talented, just so lovely.

And now, as I'm sitting here typing this, watching Jimmy Fallon and praying everything goes okay tomorrow, I am so happy that my summer was spent happily. (A bit redundant, Rachel.) I didn't do all the things I wanted to do, but I did do the things that I needed to do.

As I start etching onto a new stone of my life, I hope everything goes yabba-yabba-tastic. (I was trying to be cool and make some Flinstones references but it didn't work.) As much as I'm scared, I have faith that this will be the start of some exciting things in my life.

Goodbye summer, hello fall.

 

 

xx Rachel

An Open Letter to Upcoming Seniors.

It's your year to shine. This is one of the best times of your life.

Dear seniors, and any other high school student who may read this,

 

You are one step closer to graduating. Congratulations! It is really exciting, and I'm proud of you for getting this far. As you head into another year of high school, there are a few things I've learned over my years as a high school student that I'd like to share with you.

 

1. Get involved.

I know you all hear this all the time. "Come to events! Join a club! Participate!" Hearing those phrases over and over can get annoying, but listen to them. School flat out stinks if you just go to classes and then drive home and eat Cheetos the rest of the day. (Well, that doesn't sound too bad, but you don't wanna spend every afternoon with cheeto covered fingers.) Just be a part of something. It can be a big commitment such as a club or even just attending a football game. Doing things at the school and being surrounded by classmates makes you feel like you are a part of the school. You'll swell with pride for your school and you'll find yourself cheering at football games even if you don't understand what is going on. (i.e. me at every football game I attended.) I know it's scary, I know it can be uncomfortable, but you know what? Look at that picture up there. I was only close friends with two people on that float. Two. But riding that senior float with my classmates was one of the best memories of my senior year. I felt like I was connected with them even though most of us weren't that close of friends.

I also spent a lot of my high school years setting up for dances and decorating the school for events. The only dance I ever went to was Prom, but you know what? I had so much more fun decorating for dances and working the dances than I would have if I had just gone to the dance. I made a lot of memories staying after school getting things ready for the first day, spirit weeks, Homecoming, everything. Those are also some of my favorite memories from high school. I can't tell you how many nights we would all just get delusional at school and end up in laughing fits as we blew up balloons or painted signs. Clubs are just fun and get you connected with people. I made friends with people I never thought I'd be friends with. And you get in free to a lot of school events if you're a part of setting them up. I never paid for a winter formal, football game, or powder puff game because I was always working it. And if you're thinking, "but it's too late now to sign up for anything." If no clubs are taking applications anymore, ask your friends that are in those clubs if you can help them do anything. Or just go to an event and cheer for your school. Bottom line, just be a part of something. School will be much more enjoyable if you're having fun. These days don't last forever, make the most of them.

 

2. Do something out of your comfort zone.

The only way I can explain this is an example, so I apologize for the story, haha!

I've never felt completely comfortable in front of a crowd, but I had always wanted to do the Prom Fashion Show at school. February came around and sign ups for the show came around. I really wanted to do it but felt really nervous about it. I didn't want to regret not doing it, so I signed up. I was a bit anxious because I knew we had to dance on stage and model our dresses. After a one (yes only one!) night of practice and many nerves later, it was time to perform. This was another situation where I wasn't really close to everyone in the show, so I felt like I'd get kind of ignored a little bit. It was the exact opposite. I found out that everyone else that I thought would be fearless modeling were actually just as, or even more nervous than I was. We all calmed one another down backstage and cheered each other on. We'd watch one another and root for each other backstage and helped each other if we forgot a move or couldn't get the moves right. For a week I felt like I had this huge family. My heart is pounding right now thinking of how exhilarating the whole experience was. I never felt more beautiful or confident. From that moment on, I felt like I could do those kind of things. It broke down a wall in my life that had been holding me in. Bottom line, do something that seems scary to you. You may end up loving it and remembering it forever. (And if you're thinking of doing the show but aren't sure, DO IT. This is me telling you to. I want you all to feel that way, too.)

 

3. You do not have to party and drink to have fun.

I know a lot of people who feel this way, and it hurts my heart. There are so many things you can do to have fun without drinking/drugs/partying. I'm not going to get into the whole "drugs and alcohol are bad" speech, because I know you all know it. There are just so many other fun things you can do that don't involve trashing your insides. Go out and eat with your friends. Take tons of pictures and scrapbook them all. Decorate a Christmas tree. (Even if it isn't Christmas, Christmas can be all year round!) Go shopping. Go swimming. Send someone a letter. Have a dance party with yourself or friends to High School Musical music. Make food. I know the "cool" crowd is partying and stuff and you wish you were a part of that, but it isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've seen more issues and fights blossom in people's relationships due to things they did at a party. It isn't worth it. Bottom line, make memories that you'll remember and won't be ashamed to tell people about. Get "turnt up" on gummy worms and Mountain Dew instead.

 

 

4. Be young.

One of my biggest struggles in school was thinking I had to grow up quick. I wanted to feel adult and grown up. I often get called an old soul, but you can still be an old soul and be young. Go out on adventures. Watch Disney Channel and don't be ashamed that you still laugh at the jokes. Even if you are in a circumstance where you have to grow up quick, stay young at heart. Bottom line, don't lose the childish wonder in you. Be curious, love life, and keep your childhood imagination.

 

5. Don't worry about boys.

I spent waaaaaaaaay too much time worrying about having a boyfriend. I was never one of those girls who got a ton of attention from guys, so I kind of wanted it. I never really showed it, but I wanted some prince charming to swoop in and sweep me off my feet. I know people usually say middle school is the awkward time in your life, but high school can be, too. You're trying to find yourself and finding out who you want to be, you don't need a guy in those decisions. Don't worry if no one is sending you "good morning" texts or asking you to prom, (which segways into my sixth topic...)

 

6. Don't worry if you don't have a date for prom.

A few months before prom, I was wondering if I'd get asked. Never happened. All of my guy friends/acquaintances already had dates. Lovely. I felt like I was super unlikable or something. A month before prom tickets were due, no date. (I did tweet Harry Styles asking him to go with me to no avail. Thanks, dude.) Three weeks before tickets were due, no date. A week before tickets were due, no date. Well, it was Valentine's Day and prom tickets were due, no date. I bought two tickets just in case Harry responded to my tweet. (Well, not the exact reason, but we'll go with that.) Long story short, I ended up going with two of my girl friends. And you know what? BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. We had so much fun together and laughed a lot and we looked like princesses. I ate strawberries and drank fancy juice while I was in my favorite dress and was surrounded by friends. It was one of the most special nights of my life. Bottom line, boys aren't everything. Don't let them make you sad. And don't worry if you don't have a prom date, go with your friends and make it a night to remember. (yes, intentional High School Musical reference.)

 

7. Respect your teachers.

Don't make their job hard. Listen to them. Do the work. They aren't there to fail you, even though I know a lot people who thought that/still think that. I have yet to meet a teacher who was just overjoyed with giving students failing grades. They much rather see you succeed than fail. Don't talk during powerpoints even though they may not be exciting. Teachers and other adults in the building are actually fun and helpful. I'm not saying you have to love all your teachers and love their class, I understand that some people's attitudes just don't mesh well with the teachers and how they carry class, but be respectful. Ask questions if you're confused. Do extra credit. Bottom line, just be nice to teachers and be respectful. Leave good impressions. You may need a letter of recommendation sometime in the future and it's better to have multiple people you can ask rather than none. Just be nice.

 

8. Be yourself.

If there is one thing in school that I'm proud of, it's that I never let my peers or anything else taint my mind and my actions. Yes, I slipped up a lot. I was not perfect. But there was always the voice in the back of my head going, "do you, just do you." Be yourself. Listen to your heart. You love combat boots but someone says they're ugly? Wear them anyway. Don't let other's opinions affect how you are. Be you. Listen to the Hannah Montana soundtrack even if people are laughing at you. Bottom line, do what makes you happy. Be who you want to be. Listen to that voice inside you, don't change for anyone. And always make sure you have some me-time. Make sure you are happy with yourself and don't compare yourself to others. You are awesome. Go you!

 

9. Trust in the sweet Lord above.

Losing your faith happens a lot, especially when you're surrounded by people who may not be the best people to be around. Try to read God's word everyday and pray even about the smallest things. Pray when you're scared and when you're happy. I went through many dark patches during school where I felt like God had left me and I felt hopeless. But you know what? God never left in those moments. He was right there with me. You have to reach out for him and trust him even when things get rough. He'll help you through it. Bottom line, remember His timing is always perfect and He is on your side. He loves you.

 

Enjoy these years, smile a lot, take pictures, get involved, dance around, do what makes you happy. Make these four years and especially your senior year amazing. It feels so good to look back on high school and think, "those were the best days of my life." Always try to keep a positive mindset and just be happy. If you ever need someone to talk to about school or anything else, I'm always here for you. <3

 

Sincerely,

Rachel xx