You Are A Music Box.

Life has been a bit hectic lately. The only reason it's been hectic is because I make it hectic. My mind can be very cruel to me, excruciatingly cruel. Feeling an emptiness in the pit of your heart and not knowing how to fix it is hard. 

There are so many good things in my life. Amazing things, actually. I think the reason for all of my heartache is just me being selfish and wanting more. Wanting more of things I don't need. Wishing I had a boyfriend, more friends, more money, just more of things I don't need because I already have all I need. I realize that sometimes, especially when I'm drawing or writing.

There's a world I can create that distances my mind from the actual world. The stresses of everyday life and my cruel mind fizzle away when I draw or write. It's such a strange, magnificent feeling. 

I've been keeping a notebook for a couple weeks now. I've been filling it with poems that come to mind. I never thought in a million years I'd find so much release in writing poems. I've already written eleven of them. Most are a bit sad, but there are some happier ones. I wanted to share one with you that I wrote a couple nights ago, along with a quick self portrait I drew tonight.

You Are A Music Box

So much is going on
and you don't quite understand
but you are a music box
you are held in His hands

You think that you are tarnished
and you can't be cleaned

but you are a music box

He has all that you need

You feel that you are not cared about

and you have become invisible

but you are a music box

your music is irreplaceable

You feel misunderstood

and all you want to do is make people smile

but you are a music box

don't you know you are so worthwhile?

You feel so discouraged

and your winder is broken

but you are a music box

for your words are well spoken

My child, your music is beautiful

and without you life would be dull

You are a music box

you make my life full. 

Have you ever thought about a music box? I really hadn't. I feel like we take advantage of the beautiful music it makes and we don't sit and take the time to appreciate it. I feel like I can relate to that. Being shy, it's been hard for me to make a lot of friends. I keep to myself a lot until someone winds me up, like a music box. It doesn't make music until you turn it on. I always assumed everyone hated me and didn't want to take the time to get to know me. I had no reason to think that. I don't remember anyone flat out hating me. I'm sure not everyone loved me, but I have no memory of someone straight up despising me. Anyway, feeling like an ugly duckling in a lake full of beautiful swans is disheartening. I still feel this way sometimes. I've gotten better but I still have my days. I've had professors and friends describe me as "delicate" and "dainty," that too made me think of a music box. It's fragile but can be beautiful. I am a very fragile person and I do feel like I am beautiful sometimes. There are just a lot of emotions I've been feeling lately, especially about myself. 

I've realized more recently how much I love writing. And being able to put a drawing with something I wrote is magical. 

I love writing. I never realized how much I did until a couple months ago. I've been taking a speech class and having to get up in front of people and describe something releases emotions in me that I didn't know were possible. We've been doing a lot of analytical things, from analyzing poems to people. I never realized how much I loved using words to describe people. My voice often quivers when I speak in front of people but I love it. It scares the daylights out of me but I enjoy doing it. 

I've always felt urges to draw random people I see, just because their features are so striking. I always felt creepy doing that, afraid someone would flip through my sketchbook and see that I sketched them. I'm still afraid to do that. I am very enthralled by people. I love being able to "sculpt" (you could say) their face with just my hands. Shading the dimples in their cheeks or the sharpness of their cheekbones. I had a professor tell me that I had a "geeky love for skin," and as creepy as that sounds, it's true. I love faces. I love looking at people's faces. 

I always thought describing people and emotions with words would be too complicated. But it really isn't. I love writing about people. I love how I am able to write about someone and they may never know it's about them. Writing has released emotions in me that I didn't know were possible. I feel like that's why I've been in such a whirlwind of emotions lately. I'm feeling every emotion tenfold. 

I've been questioning a  lot of things lately. I'm unsure of where my life is going to go after college. I don't know what kind of job I want. I'm afraid I'm going to be single forever. I see so many people already planning out their lives and I feel a thousand miles behind everyone. All I know is that I love to draw. I love to write. And I want to do both for the rest of my life.