To the boy I'll never see again.

Last Fall, I took a speech class. Being the introvert I am, I always got super nervous when I had to stand up and talk about something for five minutes. I soon realized I did well if I talked about something that I was passionate about. I began picking topics that made me feel passionate so talking about them would flow easier. 

Portrait I did of Patrick Fugit, who plays William in Almost Famous. I didn't have a corresponding photo for this post, but I feel like this will suffice. :) 

As many of you know, Almost Famous is one of my favorite movies. We had a free speech one day, so I decided to talk about the movie. I had all of my points perfectly planned out. I was so confident in this speech. I got up in front of class and started talking. I have a hard time making eye contact with people when presenting projects or doing speeches. Soon I noticed my voice started quivering and I felt like I was going to cry. Then something unexpected happened...

This boy in the front row of my class, this boy I sat beside for half a semester, was looking at me with the most loving eyes I have ever seen. He had the biggest grin on his face. His light eyes were staring straight into my dark ones. I was in my most vulnerable state with all these unimpressed eyes staring at me. Then I look at him and he is grinning ear to ear. This was the last speech I had to make in class, and I had never looked at him before. I had made a comment in my speech about how all girls would love for a guy to look at her like William Miller looks at Penny Lane in Almost Famous. And for those few minutes I was talking, I felt like that boy in the front row was looking at me like I was Penny Lane. It was the most surreal feeling. 

I'm well aware that he probably smiled at every kid in the class like that, so that it was nothing special towards me. But that glimmering look gave me hope. It's hard to explain. The only way I've been able to is through poems. I wrote this one about him in February. I feel like Taylor Swift right now. But you know what? He made me feel like I mattered so I feel like he is worthy of writing about, even though I'll never see him again.

_____

To the boy I'll never see again 2-25-16

Recently I've thought of you
that look you gave me
3 long months ago

It all returned late one night
that look you gave me
3 long months ago

Someone like you
reminiscent in my dreams
but I know it's not you

So many chances!
ugh! so many chances
I threw them all away

Finally words left my lips
a laugh, a smile
then it was all over

I stood in front of him
close to tears
you were there

That smile, that smile!
made my skin dance
and the edges of my mouth curl

And I know it meant nothing
simply an innocent grin
but maybe more?

You made me feel protected
nothing would scratch me
because you were there

But what breaks me the most?
that I never took my chance
it was constantly presented

Despite all of this
I am thankful for you
Thankful for that sweet smile
those glimmering eyes
that looked in mine
even just for a second
I have never felt that much
in such a short moment
Thank you

_____



It's good for your heart to be vulnerable sometimes. I have a tender heart and feel things so fully that sometimes it isn't good, but other times it's what makes me feel alive. I'm thankful for this guy, and I'll probably never see him again but that's perfectly fine with me. The whole situation taught me so much, as dumb as that probably sounds. It's so important to pay attention to the people around you, and thank God for them, even if it is just a random guy in your speech class who smiled at you. 

-Rachel xx