I just emerged from the most stressful, emotional week that I've had in an extremely long time. Tests to study for, photos to take for class, meetings to attend, homework to finish, and that was just the school work. I also think this was the clumsiest week I've ever had. I nearly ate floor in front of a group of people because I tripped on my dress. I tore up the toe of one of my shoes because I kept tripping over my own feet. My pants got soaked from the rain, then I sat down and opened a Sierra Mist and it exploded on my lap. Needless to say, it's been one of those weeks.
Unfortunately, I've also shrunk back into my old ways of thinking; self-deprecating thoughts and doubts about my art and writing. I begin feeling inadequate and like I can't level up to everyone around me. I am embarrassed at the amount of times I look at other girls and wish I could look like them or be like them.
I know I've probably beaten this topic into mush, but I feel like it's something that I need to hear again and maybe others do, too.
I am not that girl anymore.
If you've been reading my posts for a while or have known me since middle school, you know I struggled with my self image for years. (I wrote this back in 2014, which explains everything in more detail.)
I remember when this picture was taken. I was so concerned about how I looked that day. I remember wearing clothes what I thought would make me look cool. (Not sure that Abercrombie hand-me-down did that, but hey they were cool back then.) I remember having fun on this day, but I remember equally how much I hated how I felt about myself and how I looked.
Flash forward 6 years, and then you get these pictures. Genuine smiles that aren't hiding anything. The top smile was posed because I was making a joke (I was super happy about those corndogs), but the bottom was completely candid. I was holding my phone up to take a picture of me and my dad and he made me laugh & I hit capture right at that moment. That girl is wearing no makeup and is genuinely happy.
Looking through old pictures, I can truly see my body language change. I see myself go from stiff and timid to more open and joyful.
Maybe it's just me, but I look at these pictures above and I can just see the pain I felt on my face. It's probably because in these pictures I remember feeling like I looked ugly, but I can just see it. (This throwback of Autumn and me, though. SO funny. So glad we're still friends after all these years!)
I'm not making this post to praise myself, far from it. I am proud of myself, but this new me came from above and surrounding myself with people who made me feel good about myself. I've preached this over and over, but it's so important to stay true to yourself. Those years I was so lost and confused, I could've gone done some crazy stuff in order to feel better about myself. But I didn't. Going out and getting wild is not me. I did have thoughts that maybe if I went out and did these things and acted a certain way that I would gain friends and that confidence that I always wanted. But through a lot of prayer and patience, I stayed true to myself. I kicked out those temptations and focused on what I needed to focus on, and to my surprise, the comfort and confidence I had been craving finally blossomed.
I spent so many years hating myself and feeling like people hated me, and it held me back. It made me feel unworthy of everyone and everything. I still occasionally go back to this way of thinking. I did this week, and that's what inspired this post. I spent this last week feeling so unworthy, inadequate and ugly. Through all of this crud I was feeling, there were little glittering rocks smiling at me. My eyes opened to see the friends I had who cared so much for me. They encouraged me and gave me my hope back and made me laugh. I had a professor who listened to my opinions and made me feel like they were completely valid when I felt like my classmates disagreed. Random people on campus were doing the smallest but kindest things for me, like opening doors and just saying unexpected sweet things. Ultimately I realized that there are people out there that like me for who I am and not what I look like. I have friends now who make me feel completely loved and cared for and I could come into class looking like a buffoon and they wouldn't love me any less. All the moments in my life that made me truly happy were the times I wasn't caring about how I looked or how people thought of me. It was when I finally opened my eyes to all the lovely things happening outside of my mirror.
Even though I'm not exactly where I want to be, I am not that girl anymore. It got better. I don't wake up every morning and cry because I feel ugly. I don't feel like I have to put pounds of makeup on everyday. I can wear my hair down and not feel like a troll doll. And I finally realized how much easier and freeing it is to have friends that make you feel so comfortable that you don't have to worry about looking good for them or worrying if they're judging you.
I learned to love myself. Make sure you feel safe, secure, and mentally okay before you begin any big task. Drink some tea. Dance to Britney Spears when no one is watching. Listen to the music and watch the movies that make you feel like you matter, because you do. Looks aren't everything, the person underneath it all is what matters most. Slow down if you need to. Breathe. Thank God. And by golly, if you feel good about yourself, take them selfies.
I'm not as confident as I wish I could be. But I am at a much better, more peaceful place than I have ever been in my life. And for that I am exceedingly thankful. Make sure you take care of yourself today.
I'd like to end with the words of Queen Britney, "I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be."
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