One Final "Thank You" of 2016.

As I sit here on my bed surrounded by Christmas lights and listening to the Hairspray Live soundtrack (you should seriously go listen to it!), I felt the need to say one final thank you to you. 

It may be cheesy to say, your kind words and encouragement is a reason that I continue writing/drawing. The main reason I do it is because it serves as an emotional release. (And probably the fact that I have to constantly keep my hands busy doing something, I have a hard time keeping them still, haha!) But in all seriousness, I truly appreciate your compliments and encouragement. A simple, "I loved this!" or a like on my writings make my heart so happy. I can't tell you how crazy it is for me to be doing something and realize someone out there is reading it, or even just skimming it. I don't try to create things just to receive feedback, but the feedback you all have given me is incredibly appreciated. There are some days where I'll write something out of desperation/loneliness, and receiving something like "I understand what you're going through," is beautiful. It makes this little creative mind feel like she's doing what she's supposed to be doing, if that makes sense? 

I've said time and time again, especially recently- I've always loved making people happy/feel loved. I feel like the Lord put me on the Earth to do just that. I adore writing these blogs and creating art that may possibly touch people. It warms my heart and gives me motivation to push on. 

I feel like I'm babbling! I hate that, haha! But seriously, just know that even though I sometimes have a hard head and have a hard time receiving compliments, I truly do appreciate your kind words and love. I plan on improving my hardheadedness towards compliments this coming year. Instead of shrugging them off as "they're just being nice, they feel bad for me," I'm going to try and fully accept them and take them to heart. <3 Be patient with me. 

As much as I love pouring out my heart on here, in a way, I want to step back from it for a while. I still want to write about what's going on in my life and still want to be open about everything, but I also want to maybe keep some of my feelings to myself. I'm not keeping everything in, I know that isn't healthy. I'm not really sure how to adequately explain this. I'm hoping you understand what I'm getting at. I mentioned something similar to this back in October, I believe. In the new year, I want to stay off of social media more. I find that it often becomes detrimental to my mental health. (Not this blog or Facebook, per say. But I do need a break.) I feel like I say this a lot, and it probably sounds like I'm not keeping my word. But I tell you truthfully, I'm honestly trying my hardest. I have a shelf full of books I'd love to read and art I'd like to create rather than spending hours on here. I am okay, I feel like I have to say that for some reason. I am perfectly fine. I feel happy and hopeful for the new year. I am really hoping to connect with the world and my spiritual self rather than online. I really hope that makes sense. 

I guess that's what I mean when I say I want to step back. I feel like I need to take a breath. A long, drawn out breath. I will still write. I will still be on here. But if there are long periods where I seem MIA, I'm probably still taking that breath. Or eating a cheeseburger. 

So again, thank you for the love and continued support. I will still be writing and creating. (Actually, as I wrote this I just saw that Garrett Clayton liked my drawing of him. Happy New Years to me! And stuff like this makes me want to keep pushing. I want to create images of people for them to see, and hopefully see my adoration in them.) If I could get all of your addresses and send you each thank you cards I would. I'm terrible at expressing emotions in person, so that's why I rely heavily on this blog to express how I feel. Thank you so much. If you could see all the times I sit in my room feeling discouraged, then get a notification from one of you expressing kindness towards me, and it brightens my day. So thank you endlessly. Know I am here, like you all are there for me. And I hope you understand that I want to focus on myself in the new year, not in a selfish way, but in an accepting sort of way. I want to better myself, while still trying to be a light to others.

Be safe tonight if you're going out, and I hope you are hopeful for the year to come. 

Once again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for making this girl feel like she is doing exactly what she was meant to be doing. 

:)

-Rachel xx

Home Alone 2 image found here 

Twenty Sixteen, you dog.

It's crazy to think that Christmas day has now come and gone. If you know me well, you know that I'm in a hardcore Christmas depression. As soon as I wake up Christmas morning I get a tinge of sadness because I know in a few hours that our Christmas morning will be over and we won't see it again until next year. I try to hold onto it as long as I can. I have to repeatedly tell myself that the Christmas season actually ends on January 6th, so I still have time to be jolly. I plan on bringing that jolliness into the new year and for the months to come until December 25th rolls around again. 

As much as I want to talk about Christmas, this isn't what this post is about. Well, it's partially about it. I wanted to do a "year in review" type deal. I think it's important to look back on your year and focus on the beautiful things that happened, but not be afraid to acknowledge the bad things and to grow from them. 

This has been a hard year for many people. I actually believed it was a hard year for everyone, but then I saw some talking about how this was the best year of their life. That's when I learned not to lump a whole year based on other's experiences. For me, this year was equally lovely and equally rough. 

January: The Month of Snow

My little heart was so happy to see this sight. If it was winter all year round, I'd be happy. I love the cold and the snow. I don't love the ice. But when my little eyes saw this in January, the kid in me did cartwheels. Most of my photos of January are the snow. You can see the pure childhood joy in my eyes in the pictures of me from this month. It was a new year, a new semester, and I was very hopeful for the upcoming year. My mom and I also saw Michelangelo's drawings at the Frist. Little did I know I'd be working there in just a few months!

February: The Month of My Birth

I turned 20. It seems weird still that my teenage years are over, but then again it feels like I've been in my twenties for a decade now. I've felt like a child at heart but sometimes felt like I was a bit of an old soul. Turning 20 solidified that old-soulness a bit, if that makes any sense. My parents decorated the house for me when I came home, complete with those foldable banners that say "Happy Birthday" and balloons and took me out to lunch. I felt very loved on my birthday and am thankful for that love I was shown. I also correctly guessed the score for the Super Bowl, only off by one point. How did I do this? I have no idea. I truly do not understand football or how the scoring goes. A birthday miracle, maybe! :p

March: The Month I Started Taking Care of Myself 
I really began paying attention to myself this month. I decided to try and cut out sugary drinks and do a little bit of yoga every day. I failed often, but promised not to be hard on myself. I attribute a lot of this to Kate Hudson's book Pretty Happy. I read it nearly every day and began taking note of what I ate and how I felt. I've never been a fan of recording what I eat, it's a good way to keep track, but I found it made me feel terrible if I ate something sugary that day. Instead, I focused on my mental health and listened to how my body was reacting to what I filled it with. I cut out sodas during the week and only drank water/healthy juices and tried to eat vegetables every day. I tried to cut out social media time. I saw improvement almost immediately in how I felt. I went from drinking two Pepsis a day and feeling sluggish once I went to bed, to drinking waters or cranberry juice and feeling more vivacious and at peace throughout the day. I listened to the signs my body was giving me and it's probably one of the best things I've learned to do all year. Also during this month, I met a fellow who made me feel beautiful without telling me I was beautiful. He was a great friend and even though we don't talk anymore, he was a beautiful light in my life that I was happy to share a couple months of conversation with. I doubt you'll read this, but you inspired me and made me laugh a lot during that short time and I'm thankful for that. You gave me some joy in a time I felt kind of alone, so I'm appreciative for that.

April: The Month I Found My New Obsession

I had been taking a photography class since January, but in April I truly fell in love with 35mm photography. I found a new way to express myself. I took pictures upon pictures and spent most of my spring afternoons in the darkroom processing all my images. One of them actually was accepted into APSU's Student Show, my second year of being in it! I was thrilled. The smell of Subway always brings me back to this time, because nearly everyday I was in the darkroom I'd come back to our apartment late and I wasn't able to get food with my roommate like usual. My intake of Subway sandwiches during that period probably wasn't healthy, but I created some work I truly loved out of that time period. I also spent a lot of time outside during April. I was looking through my photos during that month and more than half of them are taken outdoors. (And I must've been in a maxi-dress craze as well, most of the photos with me, I'm wearing one. Haha!)

May: The Month of Events on Events on Events

I finished my sophomore year and moved all my stuff out of my apartment myself. (I may've spent a good 5 minutes trying to unhook a TV cable.) The first week of summer break, my family broke out of our comfort zone and went downtown to see Keith Urban. He had a free concert outside the Bridgestone Arena to celebrate his new album, Ripcord. Keith is a national treasure to our family. My sister graduated college, I attended her roommate's graduation party, complete with karaoke renditions of Pillow Talk by Zayn. My sister and I played in a tennis tournament and thought we were going to die because it was so hot. 

June: The Month of Big Changes

This may've been the biggest turning point month of this year. I spent a good chunk of May looking for a job, and ended up receiving two in June. I volunteered at the Frist and became a sales associate at Cato. I actually should've named this, "The Month of Nerves." I worried enough this month to last my whole life. I worked a lot, a lot a lot. I went from never working to working almost every day. I know, that's what a job is, but with my nervous system, this was all new and it was freaking out. Working these two jobs really pushed me out of my comfort zone. I found it easier to talk to people because both jobs entailed me having to talk to people. I learned to deal with the public. I also attended CMA Fest for the first time, and got so nervous once I got there I accidentally ran in a fancy hotel just to find a bathroom. You know, just girly things. I ended up getting so hot during the Festival that I had to go sit underneath a sno-cone stand to cool down. I had a lot of fun but me and the heat are not friends. I also saw WEIRD AL FREAKING YANKOVIC for the third time. I won tickets on the radio and nearly screamed. I nervously told the radio man my full name when he asked for my name and said then proceeded "holy crap" on the radio and he laughed at me. He then asked for my zipcode, I told him the city I lived in instead. He then said, "your zipcode, babe" and I felt like such an idiot. But I got two free tickets out of the whole ordeal so I was stoked. I  may have cried. I also got pulled over for the first time this month because I had a headlight out. I didn't realize you were supposed to turn your caution lights on if you were trying to find a well-lit place to pull over, so they called backup on me. It was so much fun. When the officer came to my car, he asked how I was and I nervously, overly-cheerfully answered, "I'm good, how are you!?" in my sales associate voice. He let me off with a warning since it was my first time being pulled over. What a month!

July: The Month of Sunshine Galore

A big portion of my July was spent outside. From the beach, to painting a shed at my Grandma's house, to playing with sparklers outside, it was a month spent doing things outdoors with my family. I also was in my second month of working as a sales associate, finally getting used to it and not wanting to cry every time I went into work. (I'm very emotional, I realize this, haha!) I spent a lot of late nights writing and drawing this  month. 

August: The Month of Even More Changes

My last month of summer, one spent feeling like I was being screwed over by people I thought I could trust. I won't get into details on here, I'd be happy to tell you later on. But those issues have made me into the person I am today. I learned a lot during this  month. You can't trust every single person, and if something is wrong, tell someone about it. We celebrated my dad's birthday and my sister met Steve-O. She took my little drawing of him and had him sign it for me. It's proudly framed in my apartment right now. <3 I drew a lot of portraits. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed about the new year of school ahead of me. 

September: The Month of Painting and Family 

My painting class required us to be outside nearly every class period. We painted landscapes, still life, and even a protest. I learned so much about  painting and my love for it was rekindled. This was another month spent outside, since the weather wasn't quite cold yet. My parents came up to school for Family Day, even though it rained and most of it was spent inside. We had a family reunion and walked down into my great-grandfather's farm and talked about some old memories. We met a cashier at Target who made us laugh so much, every time we go back we look to see if he's working. It was a very joyful month. 

October: The Month of New Beginnings

October was a launching pad month for the end of the year, and I can see that full well now. I didn't mention it earlier, but once school started back, I was a little bummed out about some things that had happened to me personally. I let it bug me more than I should have. I let it affect my grades. I felt like I was losing control, and I told myself enough was enough. I began to buckle down and study. I did things to make me happy. I went and saw Frankie Ballard on campus, and have been in love with his raspy voice ever since. I also went with my childhood bestfriend, which made it even sweeter. I few more comfortable with my paintings. I wanted to do it all the time! I also got to show some of my work at a Soiree downtown Clarksville, the first time my work has been shown outside of campus. I was thrilled but super nervous. My professor was very helpful and I was encouraged by some of my peers in this new step. I spoke in front of a group of people and made them laugh. I look at pictures my mom took from that night (she is my paparazzi) and am still shocked it all happened. The most special moment is when a girl I had a class with nearly a year ago came up to me, grabbed my hands and told me how proud she was of me. She had driven me back to my dorm from the art building a year ago because it was late and she and my professor didn't want me walking back by myself. We didn't know each other then and was shocked someone would do that for me. I was overwhelmed by the love that was shown to me that night, and look back on it whenever I am feeling down. 

November: The Month of Love

I wrote about this particular day in this post, which you can read if you would like more detail. That day stands out the most to me because it was when I realized I really need to shed the belief that everyone hates me. I needed to accept that it was all a mind game I was torturing myself with. I learned this month that I was capable of being an artist and more people like you than you think they do. I learned to focus on that. I went to my Grandma's house for Thanksgiving, and it's one of my favorite Thanksgivings to date. I got to go shopping with my Grandma, and I wish I could do that every single day. My dad, sister, and I went to Wahlburgers to eat dinner. It was delicious. I felt so much love during each of these things. I think I was probably the happiest in this month than any month of the year. My heart was overflowing. 

December: The Month of Peace

December I tried focusing on my inner peace. I tried to cut out my social media time as much as I could. I tried focusing on more tangible things. Much of this was difficult, though. We got all our floors in the house redone and we weren't able to decorate for Christmas until after the 10th, when we usually do it as soon as December begins. Our furniture/etc was everywhere and it really messed with my psyche. Once everything was settled, I began to feel more stable. I was able to focus on Christmas. I began feeling lonely, but combated it with prayer and peaceful nights snuggled in bed with a cup of tea. I felt like the last month of my whirlwind year should be spent feeling thankful for all I had. I wanted my heart to be full of so much joy. Looking at it now, it truly was. I had my days, but most of the time I felt the joy of Christmas. I got to see family members. I got to smile, belly laugh, cry, and hug people I haven't seen in a while. It was a great month, and I can't wait to end it with even more joy.

I usually cry on Christmas Eve, because I don't want the year to end. I don't feel that way this year. I am ready to move forward. I'm ready to face 2017 with so much love that it's annoying. I want to start each day with a smile and a heart full of Jesus. I'm ready to get organized and start a new routine. I am sad that this year is over, but am so thrilled to start fresh. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Thank you for all the love, the laughs, the tears, the arguments, the joy, the sadness, the events, and the support that made this year unlike any I've had before. In just this year alone, you've clicked on my posts 1,360 times. Those are my combined views on posts just this year. That is insane. Thank you so much for reading, I plan to write more in the New Year. <3

From my favorite little dude to all you dudes, hope your Christmas was bright and your New Years is even brighter. 

-Rachel xx

Progress?

I wasn't sure what to name this blog, but "Progress?" seemed the most fitting. It covers a plethora of topics. I feel like I'm making progress, but then again I feel as if I'm standing still. 

I was reading through some blog posts I wrote this time last year. They were oozing with progress and optimism. I was so comfortable with myself. I was secure. Everything was cream puffs and hot cups of tea. 

I don't know what happened to that girl. She's still in here somewhere, but she seems to be hiding right now. At the moment she's scared away. Many, many things happened this year that seemed to shift her focus away from those optimistic thoughts.

I've said it time and time again, I know it's probably annoying. But writing about it on a somewhat consistent basis helps me face it somehow. I'm staring it in the face and confronting it. I often don't know how or who to tell these things to, so typing it up and opening it up to the world allows a release. It's like I am talking to someone about it. I have fallen into the pit of thinking I am ugly again. As petty as that sounds, I believe it's the root of a lot of my problems that has halted my progress. 

Again, I've written about it before, but in middle school all this fun mess started. I became aware of how I looked and pegged the reason that people were not talking to/liking me on my appearance. It's a awful habit I still carry to this day. Of course they don't like you, you look weird. You look too manly. You're too tall. Your nose is too big. Your feet are big. You aren't little and cute like them. You are fat. They prefer straight hair. All these things that used to haunt me as a preteen and a teenager are all coming back to me as an adult. I hate it.

I was never the girl with the boyfriend. I felt it was because of my looks. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't fun enough. I was too shy. (But thankfully, I do know now that it probably wasn't my looks. I knew some of intentions of the guys that I was around, and I wasn't that type of person. I'm sure that was actually the reason.) I don't know why it still bugs me. Why am I still so upset that my 16 year old self never had a boyfriend? I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because I feel that people will see me as undate-able since I was always single. A stupid reason, but it's crossed my mind. 

I'm not trying to play the victim, because I was also in the wrong in some of the attempted relationships I had, but many of them were detrimental to my emotional state. I willingly gave out my trust and love just to have is stomped on. I never felt like anyone truly valued me, but I stayed beside them anyway, because I was getting attention from a boy. A boy that liked me! What a thrill! Later just to find that I was just another coin in a jar collecting dust. In all the people I ever talked to, I can't think of one who I feel truly liked me. I felt like I was just fun for a while, but when they realized I wasn't going to give into every desire they had, I'd get dropped off. And it sucked. It still sucks. Even today if I feel that I'm getting somewhat close to a guy, it frightens me. I get flashbacks to those guys who treated me like a doormat. There were nights of tears and anger because I learned that they were talking to other girls or that they never actually cared for me. I shouldn't have been so trusting, but then again, they should've treated me like a human with a heart and not an object to pass time. I love wholeheartedly but I'm not overbearing. 

I'm not trying to blame all my insecurity on boys. Because the majority of it comes from me and my own thoughts. I scroll through Instagram and see all these girls with perfect bodies and faces. Boys liking their photos left and right. Their mouths watering over these girls. I catch myself scrolling and scrolling looking at their pictures wishing I looked like them and was getting that attention. Is that good attention? Absolutely not. I know if that were actually happening to me, I'd feel uncomfortable. I'm not trying to peg the blame on a person, because again, it's not their fault and I'm truly to blame-- but unfollowing the Kardashians/Jenners on social media was the best thing I ever did. I used to look at their pictures and just wish I was curvy and beautiful. It was especially bad with Kylie Jenner. I envied her curves and lips. I wanted to be able to be as confident as she looks. And that's crazy to me because she's younger than me, and I'm jealous of her. She has so much money that allows her to look like she does. I have to repeatedly tell myself that she is not who I'm supposed to look like or be like. I am my own person. I unfollowed her and those thoughts began to cease. I wasn't comparing myself to her anymore. It was liberating. I'm all about girls expressing themselves in ways they see fit, I'm not trying to belittle her or say she's doing something wrong. I just know that looking at her photos did nothing but make me feel bad about myself, and fear that younger girls may be looking at her and doing the same thing. 

And all this drives me insane because I know that I am beautiful. I know that the Lord made me in his image and I really don't need to be destroying his creation with these thoughts. I know that deep down, but sometimes it feels so deep that it's hard to see. I have found myself recently shrugging off kind comments towards me, like I used to do. I had it set in my mind people were just saying nice things because they felt bad for me and they didn't actually mean them. I have no earthly idea where this came from. I've been asking myself when this started growing, and I truly don't know. The only time I can pin it to is when I was in middle school and started paying attention to boys and seeing my friends start dating. Why did is spiral like this and why did I worry about it so much? No idea. My only answer it's probably from the lack of attention I was receiving from people I was hoping to get it from. Or hormones. 

I feel like I have been falling into the trap of "if he doesn't like you then you must be unworthy of his love and aren't good enough for him." I hate this so much. I hate it. My worth doesn't come from him. My worth comes from no one but myself. I get lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to that would just listen and talk back instead of wanting something in return. (I do have some people like this, I promise I'm not forgetting you.) Flirting can be fun and all, but I'd love to have an intelligent conversation with someone instead. 

I still think, "if so and so just told me I was beautiful, I'd feel so much better." It isn't true. It'll never be true. Harry Styles could come up to me and sincerely tell me I was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and I'd still probably think he was lying to me. I don't really know how to fight it. There are days where it goes away and I don't focus on it. It's complicated. Because at this point in my life, I don't sit around thinking "wow I'm ugly." I do believe I am somewhat attractive. I feel like I have unique features. I've grown more comfortable with how I'm shaped and how my voice sounds. I do know there are people who have complimented me that truly mean it. I know not everyone is lying to me when I get complimented on my looks. But there's always been this little burnt-orange, lumpy looking monster who dances around my mind shooting down compliments with his little evil scepter. I let him win way too often. I want him to go away. I don't know how to make him leave. It's hard because tomorrow he may be gone on a long vacation and won't be back for a while. It's weird. 

I feel like I'm worrying about nothing. There are way  more important things in life going on than if I feel beautiful or not. Bigger things are happening that matter more. It still hurts a lot, though. I'd much rather be focusing on my art or on other people, but this has been annoying me a lot lately. There are some people in my life as of late that I've developed feelings for. I felt that if I get told by them, "you're beautiful/pretty/something," I'll feel better. Well, it happened. And it felt crappy because I was the idiot who kind of subtly squeezed it out of them. It didn't feel good knowing I purposely tried to receive a compliment from a particular person and then when I got the compliment, I felt like trash. I didn't feel good about myself. I actually felt much worse than before I heard those words that were supposed to make me happy. I basically feel like I'm chasing my own tail and I'm getting dizzy. 

I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure how to control it. I don't want this to worry anyone, which  may sound stupid to say that at the end of this post. Because I'm happy, I am excited and thankful to be alive and super excited about the Christmas season. I still laugh everyday and dance around in my room pretending I'm Britney Spears. I'm fine! My heart is happy and I feel like I'm overflowing with more love than I have before, just not love towards myself. This has just been a weird couple of weeks of hardcore insecurity flooding back to me. I'm confused at the moment to why it's coming back. All I'm doing now is trying my best to see the beauty in myself and thanking the Lord for making me the way I am. I'm trying to realize all because some cute guy doesn't like me, doesn't mean I am unlikable to all the boys in the world. My worth doesn't diminish because of him. I have people in my life that love and appreciate me, I am healthy, I am happy, I'm currently sitting by a twinkling tree. I have more than I'll ever need. I just need to learn how to transfer the optimism towards others to myself.

And I truly, truly am thankful for those who support me and speak kind words towards me. I am sincerely trying to take it all to heart and kick the monster out. My mind is my own worst enemy. Here's to progress.

-Rachel xx