Progress?

I wasn't sure what to name this blog, but "Progress?" seemed the most fitting. It covers a plethora of topics. I feel like I'm making progress, but then again I feel as if I'm standing still. 

I was reading through some blog posts I wrote this time last year. They were oozing with progress and optimism. I was so comfortable with myself. I was secure. Everything was cream puffs and hot cups of tea. 

I don't know what happened to that girl. She's still in here somewhere, but she seems to be hiding right now. At the moment she's scared away. Many, many things happened this year that seemed to shift her focus away from those optimistic thoughts.

I've said it time and time again, I know it's probably annoying. But writing about it on a somewhat consistent basis helps me face it somehow. I'm staring it in the face and confronting it. I often don't know how or who to tell these things to, so typing it up and opening it up to the world allows a release. It's like I am talking to someone about it. I have fallen into the pit of thinking I am ugly again. As petty as that sounds, I believe it's the root of a lot of my problems that has halted my progress. 

Again, I've written about it before, but in middle school all this fun mess started. I became aware of how I looked and pegged the reason that people were not talking to/liking me on my appearance. It's a awful habit I still carry to this day. Of course they don't like you, you look weird. You look too manly. You're too tall. Your nose is too big. Your feet are big. You aren't little and cute like them. You are fat. They prefer straight hair. All these things that used to haunt me as a preteen and a teenager are all coming back to me as an adult. I hate it.

I was never the girl with the boyfriend. I felt it was because of my looks. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't fun enough. I was too shy. (But thankfully, I do know now that it probably wasn't my looks. I knew some of intentions of the guys that I was around, and I wasn't that type of person. I'm sure that was actually the reason.) I don't know why it still bugs me. Why am I still so upset that my 16 year old self never had a boyfriend? I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because I feel that people will see me as undate-able since I was always single. A stupid reason, but it's crossed my mind. 

I'm not trying to play the victim, because I was also in the wrong in some of the attempted relationships I had, but many of them were detrimental to my emotional state. I willingly gave out my trust and love just to have is stomped on. I never felt like anyone truly valued me, but I stayed beside them anyway, because I was getting attention from a boy. A boy that liked me! What a thrill! Later just to find that I was just another coin in a jar collecting dust. In all the people I ever talked to, I can't think of one who I feel truly liked me. I felt like I was just fun for a while, but when they realized I wasn't going to give into every desire they had, I'd get dropped off. And it sucked. It still sucks. Even today if I feel that I'm getting somewhat close to a guy, it frightens me. I get flashbacks to those guys who treated me like a doormat. There were nights of tears and anger because I learned that they were talking to other girls or that they never actually cared for me. I shouldn't have been so trusting, but then again, they should've treated me like a human with a heart and not an object to pass time. I love wholeheartedly but I'm not overbearing. 

I'm not trying to blame all my insecurity on boys. Because the majority of it comes from me and my own thoughts. I scroll through Instagram and see all these girls with perfect bodies and faces. Boys liking their photos left and right. Their mouths watering over these girls. I catch myself scrolling and scrolling looking at their pictures wishing I looked like them and was getting that attention. Is that good attention? Absolutely not. I know if that were actually happening to me, I'd feel uncomfortable. I'm not trying to peg the blame on a person, because again, it's not their fault and I'm truly to blame-- but unfollowing the Kardashians/Jenners on social media was the best thing I ever did. I used to look at their pictures and just wish I was curvy and beautiful. It was especially bad with Kylie Jenner. I envied her curves and lips. I wanted to be able to be as confident as she looks. And that's crazy to me because she's younger than me, and I'm jealous of her. She has so much money that allows her to look like she does. I have to repeatedly tell myself that she is not who I'm supposed to look like or be like. I am my own person. I unfollowed her and those thoughts began to cease. I wasn't comparing myself to her anymore. It was liberating. I'm all about girls expressing themselves in ways they see fit, I'm not trying to belittle her or say she's doing something wrong. I just know that looking at her photos did nothing but make me feel bad about myself, and fear that younger girls may be looking at her and doing the same thing. 

And all this drives me insane because I know that I am beautiful. I know that the Lord made me in his image and I really don't need to be destroying his creation with these thoughts. I know that deep down, but sometimes it feels so deep that it's hard to see. I have found myself recently shrugging off kind comments towards me, like I used to do. I had it set in my mind people were just saying nice things because they felt bad for me and they didn't actually mean them. I have no earthly idea where this came from. I've been asking myself when this started growing, and I truly don't know. The only time I can pin it to is when I was in middle school and started paying attention to boys and seeing my friends start dating. Why did is spiral like this and why did I worry about it so much? No idea. My only answer it's probably from the lack of attention I was receiving from people I was hoping to get it from. Or hormones. 

I feel like I have been falling into the trap of "if he doesn't like you then you must be unworthy of his love and aren't good enough for him." I hate this so much. I hate it. My worth doesn't come from him. My worth comes from no one but myself. I get lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to that would just listen and talk back instead of wanting something in return. (I do have some people like this, I promise I'm not forgetting you.) Flirting can be fun and all, but I'd love to have an intelligent conversation with someone instead. 

I still think, "if so and so just told me I was beautiful, I'd feel so much better." It isn't true. It'll never be true. Harry Styles could come up to me and sincerely tell me I was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and I'd still probably think he was lying to me. I don't really know how to fight it. There are days where it goes away and I don't focus on it. It's complicated. Because at this point in my life, I don't sit around thinking "wow I'm ugly." I do believe I am somewhat attractive. I feel like I have unique features. I've grown more comfortable with how I'm shaped and how my voice sounds. I do know there are people who have complimented me that truly mean it. I know not everyone is lying to me when I get complimented on my looks. But there's always been this little burnt-orange, lumpy looking monster who dances around my mind shooting down compliments with his little evil scepter. I let him win way too often. I want him to go away. I don't know how to make him leave. It's hard because tomorrow he may be gone on a long vacation and won't be back for a while. It's weird. 

I feel like I'm worrying about nothing. There are way  more important things in life going on than if I feel beautiful or not. Bigger things are happening that matter more. It still hurts a lot, though. I'd much rather be focusing on my art or on other people, but this has been annoying me a lot lately. There are some people in my life as of late that I've developed feelings for. I felt that if I get told by them, "you're beautiful/pretty/something," I'll feel better. Well, it happened. And it felt crappy because I was the idiot who kind of subtly squeezed it out of them. It didn't feel good knowing I purposely tried to receive a compliment from a particular person and then when I got the compliment, I felt like trash. I didn't feel good about myself. I actually felt much worse than before I heard those words that were supposed to make me happy. I basically feel like I'm chasing my own tail and I'm getting dizzy. 

I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure how to control it. I don't want this to worry anyone, which  may sound stupid to say that at the end of this post. Because I'm happy, I am excited and thankful to be alive and super excited about the Christmas season. I still laugh everyday and dance around in my room pretending I'm Britney Spears. I'm fine! My heart is happy and I feel like I'm overflowing with more love than I have before, just not love towards myself. This has just been a weird couple of weeks of hardcore insecurity flooding back to me. I'm confused at the moment to why it's coming back. All I'm doing now is trying my best to see the beauty in myself and thanking the Lord for making me the way I am. I'm trying to realize all because some cute guy doesn't like me, doesn't mean I am unlikable to all the boys in the world. My worth doesn't diminish because of him. I have people in my life that love and appreciate me, I am healthy, I am happy, I'm currently sitting by a twinkling tree. I have more than I'll ever need. I just need to learn how to transfer the optimism towards others to myself.

And I truly, truly am thankful for those who support me and speak kind words towards me. I am sincerely trying to take it all to heart and kick the monster out. My mind is my own worst enemy. Here's to progress.

-Rachel xx