I'm Okay.

Photo by Daniel Vega-Warholy @warholyphotography on Instagram.

I never write anymore.
I'm too busy trying to calm my thoughts.

Some of you may have noticed that some of my posts since the beginning of this year have been a bit negative. Not negative as in mean, but negative as in just not jovial like I used to be all the time. 

And to be honest with you, I don't know how that happened. I don't know what caused it. I honestly do not have an exact, pin-pointed date that I can show you that caused this. All I really know for sure is that my mind has always been this way, but for some reason this year it amplified. 

Anxiety is not fun. Obsessive-thoughts are not fun. Impulses are not fun. Going from being joyful to your mind telling you mean things is not fun. I've had a lot of people tell me they understand what I'm going through, but my mind tells me they don't. 

I've always had anxiety, but it's never been this severe. 

There were times this semester that I didn't go to class because my mind told me that I was not able to get out of bed. I felt like I needed to sleep instead. At times I was happy I decided to sleep, because getting more sleep helped my mind clear a bit. I ceased that urge really quick once my anxiety bled into my sleep, making facing the day more bearable than sleeping. 

I wasn't focusing like I should've been. I'm still working on that. I couldn't have fun or be around others because I felt guilty for every decision I made. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I hated having to email professors to tell them that I wouldn't be in class because I was afraid of having an anxiety/panic attack. 

I tried to just cope with it on my own. I found myself going online for comfort, posting things in hopes someone would help me. Then someone commented, in a very accusatory way, telling me that I was paranoid and that I needed serious help. (In hindsight, I understand this comment was out of care, it was just worded awfully and sounded more ferocious than it was meant.) I broke down. I cried coming home from my birthday dinner. I just wanted to sleep. All I wanted to do from late January to March was to sleep. Sleep felt like the only way my mind wouldn't destroy me. 

I was in counseling all this past semester. I didn't tell everyone, maybe I should've because I also got messages urging me to get help. I did get help. I just didn't want to share that part of my life so publicly. (Hypocritical, I know. This whole blog is way too personal for the public.) I was going to counseling, but I never liked going. Something felt off. I ended up calling an emergency number one day because I literally felt like I was going to explode if I didn't talk to someone. I later found out that number was only for people who were in danger of hurting themselves or others- I was not aware of this. Maybe it was all in my mind, but I almost felt like my counselor slightly berated me for calling this number. It felt like I wasted someone's time and took time away from an actual emergency. 

But this felt like an emergency.

Our minds are weird. Everyone has intrusive thoughts that are ridiculous. My problem is that I believe the thoughts. My mind tells me, "if you're thinking it, it must be true!" It's excruciating. It sounds like such a stupid issue. There are bigger problems and people with more important issues than "my mind is mean to me." I feel guilty asking for help. I feel so dumb. I feel so bad when I just need to talk to someone, yet I feel like an annoyance. I have a bad habit of repeating things because I feel like I'm not saying them well enough. I will repeat stories and sentences so they come out better, or so that I can maybe believe them. 

I am not belittling the kind words  I've received, the "just try not to worry about it," or the "think positive!" I appreciate those words, I really do. But for someone who has intrusive, negative, anxiety-ridden thoughts, hearing "just be positive" makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. That this should be easy just to turn off and put on a smile. It's not. It's not that easy. It's not something I can just switch on and off. Yes, I have good days. I have days where the thoughts don't bother me as much- they're still there, just some days I am better at not paying attention to them. It all just depends on the day. 

There's a lot of beautiful things in my life. I am so thankful for them. But my anxiety paints them all black. My mindset has always been like this. I can remember being in elementary school and having an obsessive intrusive thought, but I thought everyone had them so it was easier for me to get over it. (And being a child helps. You don't know much but what's presently in front of you, so you don't worry as much.) I have an obsessive personality. I always have, it's just manifested differently over the years. I miss the childhood worries that mainly revolved around wondering if I was talented enough to be on Disney Channel. (An actual worry of mine as a child. Don't judge.) 

My body will feel calm as my mind gasps for breath. They feel disconnected. I won't feel nervous physically, but mentally I'm a wreck. Someone will tell me kind things and I initially accept it, then seconds later my mind tells me it's a lie and that I'm cold hearted and that I don't deserve what they said and that the fact that I questioned it means it can't be true... see how these thoughts work? And that's with nearly 90% of thoughts that cross my mind. This string of thought follows. It's a hard habit to break, especially since it's been happening since I was a young girl. (I have more stories about this, how I used to worry about small things as a four year old. It's deep rooted.) 

I found myself acting impulsively. Meaning I would do little things to try to make myself feel better, even if it was for a second. Be it falling down a Google rabbit hole trying to diagnose myself or repeatedly asking people to make me feel better. It isn't a fun way to live and I am thankful to say I've drifted from that part of my life and have combated many of those impulses.

I've been told by counselors and friends that this is all in my mind. All the things I worry about are merely just things that my worried imagination conjured up. The reality is that they aren't actually happening. Hearing this does calm me down, it makes me feel relived because for a little bit I feel that these thoughts aren't real. But it's hard for it to go super deep into my psyche. The string of thoughts I mentioned earlier begin happening again. It's not that I forget the reality comment, I do remember it. I tell it to myself daily, multiple times a day. It just won't sink in. I start worrying it away, too. It's so infuriating.

I'm also so used to acting on every feeling (that's how all my artwork is made). I've been trying to learn on how to not do that. Not to blow up every time something upsets me. Not to take every feeling as factual evidence something is wrong. And when I say feeling, I don't mean intuition. I mean when I misinterpret something or when something doesn't go how I envisioned, and I react in getting upset or angry at someone.  To the point that at times I feel like I must tell them how I feel immediately without calming down and reacting in a more appropriate way and thinking through the situation. 

I am working daily to cope with this. And I'm happy to say that it has gotten better. I don't feel like just sleeping anymore. I'm able to get out of bed in the morning and function. I'm smiling more and I'm taking better care of myself. I'm trying to mediate and challenge all the intrusive thoughts. But it's a battle. It's a battle everyday. I feel like I have to constantly apologize to everyone for any and everything. I feel like I burned some bridges that I wish I could go back and build, but I'm not sure if I'm that strong yet. I'm working. I'm still going to a counselor and I'm doing things everyday to make it better. 

(Also, this is a small thing, but I just wanted to say, I am not against taking medication for anxiety. I just want to find ways to cope without medication if I can. I live a somewhat holistic lifestyle (I'm trying to lol) and try not to take medicine often. But I am not against it and won't turn it away if I truly feel I need it.) 

I am okay. I'm not "gonna" be okay, I am okay. I have anxiety. But I am okay.  I've accepted that the anxiety won't disappear completely, but I believe I'll  be able to deal with it better if I keep working everyday. 

I just need a little love and support during this time. Y'all have been more than loving and supportive. I'm just sorry if I sometimes ask for reassurance or repeat things. I'm just trying to get better. 

let me breathe, a poem in 2 parts.

let me breathe 5-6-18

I want to be an artist
I am an artist
but nowadays everyone is an artist

I'm happy for the freedom of expression
how anyone can pick up a pen or brush and create
but they don't get it

They don't get how much work goes into art
how much work goes into being an artist

I know I sound selfish, conceited even
like I don't want to share art with others who want to be artists
I just hate how easily the word is thrown 

Every store carrries sketchbooks now
when I was starting out, only one store sold them
No one wanted sketchbooks then

Everyone claims to be an artist
but I think it's a special breed
it's not just a cool word to label yourself

When you're an artist, you can feel it
even if your work isn't deeply personal, you can feel it still
it's something you have to do
not something you force yourself to do to seem cool

For me, art is survival 
it's my home

I've always believed if you truly are something...
you don't have to shout it 
you just are 

____________________


let me breathe pt 2   5-6-18

i am suffocating
i am confused

i process emotions by talking
but not everyone wants to talk

i feel like i work my hardest
but it's never good enough

i fight the intrusive thoughts 
but they still attack me

i am able to rationalize my fears
but they still steal my sleep

i laugh and smile to enjoy my day
but i remember that there's still something missing

i do one thing for myself
but then the guilt gnaws at me

i feel so alone sometimes.
i am told that i'm not alone in how i'm feeling.
but yet, i've yet to meet someone who fully understands the thoughts.
the intrusive thoughts that consume me to the point i act impulsively,
often saying things i regret to the people i care about most.
and i can't take them back. 
i have to live with them.
even if i apologize for my words, my guilt tells me it's not enough.
that i'm not enough. 
i'm never enough.
those thoughts are irrational.
my counselor tells me that i'm intelligent and that she's impressed i can rationalize the irrational.
well, that's wonderful!
but i don't believe the rationalization my mind does.
it feels fake.
i feel fake sometimes.
this anxiety and whatever else is wrong with me steals my joy.
and it's so hard to bounce back.
i'm trying.
i'm trying.

it never feels like it's enough. 

_______________

22.

I reckon 22 isn't a milestone birthday, but it feels like one. 

I know it's been no secret to many who know me and pay attention to my posts that I have been going through a hard time. I think the age I'm at, the stage of life I'm in, the events happening around me, and some personal struggles are clouding my thoughts and it's become increasingly hard to function normally. 

Let me break it down. 

Every thought, every emotion, every kind word that crosses my path-- my mind immediately questions it and worries about it and criticizes it. If you don't know what exactly that feels like... let me explain further with a real-life inspired situations.

Kind Person: Hi Rachel! I love what you're wearing.
Me: *smiles nervously* Thank you so much! *wonders if they really mean it or if they just say it because they feel bad for me.*

(in conversation about a hard life event)
Kind Person #2: You're strong, and you can get through this. I have faith in you.
Me: Thank you, I know I just need to keep pushing through. *I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this. I am falling apart and no one understands. There is no way that I'm strong. There's no way that this will end good. I have to make a decision now in order to feel better.*

Sadly, this has become my reality this year. Thankfully, it's not always daily. And even when it is daily I have moments where my thoughts don't do this. But when they do, it overtakes the happy thoughts. And I haven't discovered a way to cope yet. I pray, I drink tea, I read, I try to do all that I can. But I haven't discovered a surefire way to cope. Those things do help, but momentarily. 

Being in a long distance relationship, especially with someone you haven't met yet is really taking its toll on me. I don't want to give all the details, because it's something very near and dear to my heart and I don't feel like I need to just lay it out in front of you. But just imagine waking up, going throughout your day, and going to sleep at night, consistently talking to the one you love, but you can't physically see them. The whole communication is electronic, through a screen, through typed words. It's crippling. Especially for my first serious relationship. It stinks. Every time I have to hang up my phone from a call I feel like my heart is shattering. It's not fun. Thankfully, he's coming here in 3 weeks. Three weeks. I'm excited but thinking about going 3 more weeks in this mindset is excruciating. 

Sometimes things feel so hard due to my emotions that I just want to rinse my hands of it all. I want to just drop everything I've worked for so I can feel like I have some sort of control on my life. To feel like I actually understand what's happening, not to the full extent but even just a little bit. I'm stubborn sometimes and wish I could just see the full picture. But I can't. 

Again, sparing the intimate details. I have gone back to counseling. I've already learned that my mind warps things. My mind is critical and I am confused by everything that's happening around me. It's crippling. And I desperately pray that it all gets better soon. Because I was happy. I was so joyfully happy last year. I was so excited for the future and for every little detail, and now I think I'm scared and want to stay back where it's safe. I don't know what's really going on. I'm terrified. Waking up feeling hopeless is not fun. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

And there are moments where this isn't so hard. I have my moments of peace and clarity and worry-free thoughts. And I get so excited and so happy. And then 20 minutes later, I'm feeling like I could burst into tears any second and feel like I need to immediately remove myself from any situation I am in in order for it to stop. 

I just want the worry to stop. I miss being so fully happy. I miss it so much. I know it'll get better. It'll take time. But after struggling with this off and on for the past two months, I selfishly wish that I could just see what's happening in the big picture so  I could shrug it off and move on. But life doesn't work that way unfortunately. 

I'm trying. I really am. If you could continue to keep me in your prayers, I'd appreciate it. I'm hoping the fog clears soon. 

Here Comes the Sun.

This is a very spur of the moment thing, so I apologize for any misspellings or things of the sort. I want to write a more detailed post later, but this will do for now.

Nearing seven months ago now, someone entered my life that transformed my life for the better. I never realized drawing a little photo could pull someone into my life that was going to make me feel like the happiest person alive. To feel so so so lucky every day that someone is there in my corner, rooting for me and believing in me. 

For the past week and a half I've been struggling with some personal demons that have proven difficult to ignore. It truly felt like all the happiness and love that I had built up in my life had crumbled overnight. It was and still is terrifying to think about. I felt alone, like no one was there for me and I felt like no one understood. 

It took me a couple days to realize, Rachel... there's this person who is thousands of miles away, someone you can't physically be with yet, but they are still there for you. Through all your tear-filled phone calls and FaceTimes, they are there. They are not giving up on you. Even through harsh things you may have uttered out of confusion and frustration, they stayed there. They looked at you with nothing but love and stayed. They watched you cry even though you could tell it was painful for them. They stayed up late if you wanted to talk, even when you were talking in circles. They were upfront with you but never rude. They gave you reassurance when you needed it most. They made jokes during hard moments in hopes of making you smile. They played music and sang for you to help you fall asleep, just because they knew you love to be sang to. Their image of you never changed even though you feared it did. I was so scared they would run far far away from me, but they didn't. He is still here. He's the first to congratulate me on my successes and the first to comfort me when I encounter a loss. And I kick myself for the times I take his love and support for granted.

I didn't just gain what I hope to be my forever life partner, but I gained a best friend, a confidant. And through him I gained an amazing group people who have become like my little support group, a group of lovely friends who encourage me to be better everyday. Who make me feel like it's okay to be myself because I'm already more than loved because of who I am. 

Long distance is hard. Every morning I wake up I have to face the cruel fact that I can't physically be with the one I desperately want to be with. I'm hopeful this year will bring many changes, positive happy changes that will make my life more beautiful. I am very hopeful, but also very terrified. 

My heart wells when it thinks about the little family I already have all the way out in California. I have two families in two of my favorite places, Nashville and Los Angeles, who support me more than I feel like I deserve. I promise your love doesn't go unnoticed, I just sometimes have a hard time believing I truly deserve it. I'm working on that, I promise. 

I am going to be okay. 

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

Above image made by my dear Daniel Vega-Warholy. <3