To the boy I'll never see again.

Last Fall, I took a speech class. Being the introvert I am, I always got super nervous when I had to stand up and talk about something for five minutes. I soon realized I did well if I talked about something that I was passionate about. I began picking topics that made me feel passionate so talking about them would flow easier. 

Portrait I did of Patrick Fugit, who plays William in Almost Famous. I didn't have a corresponding photo for this post, but I feel like this will suffice. :) 

As many of you know, Almost Famous is one of my favorite movies. We had a free speech one day, so I decided to talk about the movie. I had all of my points perfectly planned out. I was so confident in this speech. I got up in front of class and started talking. I have a hard time making eye contact with people when presenting projects or doing speeches. Soon I noticed my voice started quivering and I felt like I was going to cry. Then something unexpected happened...

This boy in the front row of my class, this boy I sat beside for half a semester, was looking at me with the most loving eyes I have ever seen. He had the biggest grin on his face. His light eyes were staring straight into my dark ones. I was in my most vulnerable state with all these unimpressed eyes staring at me. Then I look at him and he is grinning ear to ear. This was the last speech I had to make in class, and I had never looked at him before. I had made a comment in my speech about how all girls would love for a guy to look at her like William Miller looks at Penny Lane in Almost Famous. And for those few minutes I was talking, I felt like that boy in the front row was looking at me like I was Penny Lane. It was the most surreal feeling. 

I'm well aware that he probably smiled at every kid in the class like that, so that it was nothing special towards me. But that glimmering look gave me hope. It's hard to explain. The only way I've been able to is through poems. I wrote this one about him in February. I feel like Taylor Swift right now. But you know what? He made me feel like I mattered so I feel like he is worthy of writing about, even though I'll never see him again.

_____

To the boy I'll never see again 2-25-16

Recently I've thought of you
that look you gave me
3 long months ago

It all returned late one night
that look you gave me
3 long months ago

Someone like you
reminiscent in my dreams
but I know it's not you

So many chances!
ugh! so many chances
I threw them all away

Finally words left my lips
a laugh, a smile
then it was all over

I stood in front of him
close to tears
you were there

That smile, that smile!
made my skin dance
and the edges of my mouth curl

And I know it meant nothing
simply an innocent grin
but maybe more?

You made me feel protected
nothing would scratch me
because you were there

But what breaks me the most?
that I never took my chance
it was constantly presented

Despite all of this
I am thankful for you
Thankful for that sweet smile
those glimmering eyes
that looked in mine
even just for a second
I have never felt that much
in such a short moment
Thank you

_____



It's good for your heart to be vulnerable sometimes. I have a tender heart and feel things so fully that sometimes it isn't good, but other times it's what makes me feel alive. I'm thankful for this guy, and I'll probably never see him again but that's perfectly fine with me. The whole situation taught me so much, as dumb as that probably sounds. It's so important to pay attention to the people around you, and thank God for them, even if it is just a random guy in your speech class who smiled at you. 

-Rachel xx

Hey You, It Gets Better!

I'm sure that you've heard that phrase about a million times, so much so that it has lost meaning. But I want to tell you, it really does get better.

I just emerged from the most stressful, emotional week that I've had in an extremely long time. Tests to study for, photos to take for class, meetings to attend, homework to finish, and that was just the school work. I also think this was the clumsiest week I've ever had. I nearly ate floor in front of a group of people because I tripped on my dress. I tore up the toe of one of my shoes because I kept tripping over my own feet. My pants got soaked from the rain, then I sat down and opened a Sierra Mist and it exploded on my lap. Needless to say, it's been one of those weeks. 

Unfortunately, I've also shrunk back into my old ways of thinking; self-deprecating thoughts and doubts about my art and writing. I begin feeling inadequate and like I can't level up to everyone around me. I am embarrassed at the amount of times I look at other girls and wish I could look like them or be like them. 

I know I've probably beaten this topic into mush, but I feel like it's something that I need to hear again and maybe others do, too. 

I am not that girl anymore. 

If you've been reading my posts for a while or have known me since middle school, you know I struggled with my self image for years. (I wrote this back in 2014, which explains everything in more detail.) 

I remember when this picture was taken. I was so concerned about how I looked that day. I remember wearing clothes what I thought would make me look cool. (Not sure that Abercrombie hand-me-down did that, but hey they were cool back then.) I remember having fun on this day, but I remember equally how much I hated how I felt about myself and how I looked.

Flash forward 6 years, and then you get these pictures. Genuine smiles that aren't hiding anything. The top smile was posed because I was making a joke (I was super happy about those corndogs), but the bottom was completely candid. I was holding my phone up to take a picture of me and my dad and he made me laugh & I hit capture right at that moment. That girl is wearing no makeup and is genuinely happy. 

Looking through old pictures, I can truly see my body language change. I see myself go from stiff and timid to more open and joyful. 

Maybe it's just me, but I look at these pictures above and I can just see the pain I felt on my face. It's probably because in these pictures I remember feeling like I looked ugly, but I can just see it. (This throwback of Autumn and me, though. SO funny. So glad we're still friends after all these years!)

But when I look at these pictures from 2015, I feel like you can see the joy on my face. When I think of these moments, I think of how much I laughed. In the top, where Autumn told me I looked like Mona Lisa and I started laughing, and the bottom where my cousin Laura and I put on silly props and were laughing our heads off taking pictures. I see so much more joy in these. I can see the glimmer in my eye from being so purely happy that it was all I was thinking about. I don't see that glimmer in the top pictures. Thankfully, I am not that girl anymore. 

I'm not making this post to praise myself, far from it. I am proud of myself, but this new me came from above and surrounding myself with people who made me feel good about myself. I've preached this over and over, but it's so important to stay true to yourself. Those years I was so lost and confused, I could've gone done some crazy stuff in order to feel better about myself. But I didn't. Going out and getting wild is not me. I did have thoughts that maybe if I went out and did these things and acted a certain way that I would gain friends and that confidence that I always wanted. But through a lot of prayer and patience, I stayed true to myself. I kicked out those temptations and focused on what I needed to focus on, and to my surprise, the comfort and confidence I had been craving finally blossomed. 

I spent so many years hating myself and feeling like people hated me, and it held me back. It made me feel unworthy of everyone and everything. I still occasionally go back to this way of thinking. I did this week, and that's what inspired this post. I spent this last week feeling so unworthy, inadequate and ugly. Through all of this crud I was feeling, there were little glittering rocks smiling at me. My eyes opened to see the friends I had who cared so much for me. They encouraged me and gave me my hope back and made me laugh. I had a professor who listened to my opinions and made me feel like they were completely valid when I felt like my classmates disagreed. Random people on campus were doing the smallest but kindest things for me, like opening doors and just saying unexpected sweet things. Ultimately I realized that there are people out there that like me for who I am and not what I look like. I have friends now who make me feel completely loved and cared for and I could come into class looking like a buffoon and they wouldn't love me any less. All the moments in my life that made me truly happy were the times I wasn't caring about how I looked or how people thought of me. It was when I finally opened my eyes to all the lovely things happening outside of my mirror. 

Even though I'm not exactly where I want to be, I am not that girl anymore. It got better. I don't wake up every morning and cry because I feel ugly. I don't feel like I have to put pounds of makeup on everyday. I can wear my hair down and not feel like a troll doll. And I finally realized how much easier and freeing it is to have friends that make you feel so comfortable that you don't have to worry about looking good for them or worrying if they're judging you. 

I learned to love myself. Make sure you feel safe, secure, and mentally okay before you begin any big task. Drink some tea. Dance to Britney Spears when no one is watching. Listen to the music and watch the movies that make you feel like you matter, because you do. Looks aren't everything, the person underneath it all is what matters most. Slow down if you need to. Breathe. Thank God. And by golly, if you feel good about yourself, take them selfies. 

I'm not as confident as I wish I could be. But I am at a much better, more peaceful place than I have ever been in my life. And for that I am exceedingly thankful. Make sure you take care of yourself today. 

I'd like to end with the words of Queen Britney, "I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be." 

-Rachel xx 

My Blood Runs Deep.

Over spring break I found this box of old photos at my Grandma's house. I've looked through this box a handful of times without much thought. It's full of old photos of my Grandma, my mom and siblings, my cousins, and some of great-great relatives. 

While looking through the box this time, I found myself wanting to know more about these people. I wanted to know who they were and if they were related to me. I looked at them and asked myself who they looked like. I studied each picture in depth. I looked at the clothing, the hairstyles, and the expressions on the faces. 

Looking through these photographs made me realize how important family is. I've always believed family was important, but looking at pictures from the fifties and beyond solidified the fact that my blood runs deep. All of these people had unique backgrounds. They all had feelings and dreams. They probably laughed a lot and could tell great stories. I'm sad that I didn't get to meet a lot of these family members, but getting to see pictures of them and hearing my grandparents and parents tell me stories about them makes me feel like I did know them. 


I'd like to share a few of my favorites with you here, some of these are from my Grandma's old box of photos and some are some I've had for years. 

We can start with this one of me as a toddler. I ate Doritos and chocolate pudding together way too often. Thankfully I grew out of that flavor combination. And I'm thankful that my hair no longer looks like a combination of Zero from Holes and Nsync era Justin Timberlake.

Here's one of my favorite photos of my parents. This was on their wedding day in 1992. (I'm sure you can see where my curls come from!) My mom is the most loving, beautiful and subtly funny person. My dad is extremely caring, hysterical, and can make a mean sandwich. They still look exactly like this, not even kidding. I hope that the good skin gene will follow me into adulthood. 

My sweet Grandaddy. It's nearing a year since he passed away and I miss him every single day. He could always make our family laugh and was the best guy in the world. I miss hearing him say "there's Rachel!" to me and the rest of us as we walked into the living room. He did this for each cousin, saying "there's" and then their name. I know he's watching me from above and I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel. 

I don't have a photo of my great-grandparents, but I did find this photo of me at their house kicking a ball. That's my cousin Taylor behind me. I never met my great-grandparents, but I have fond memories of going to their house for reunions. I used to be so terrified of the house because there were moth balls everywhere and there was this one room that had a broken mirror in it that terrified me for some reason. 

This one is also from my great-grandparent's house. It's my cousin Bobby and me riding in a pink Barbie jeep that didn't belong to either of us. He's the only cousin I have who is the same age as me, so I feel like we got lumped together a lot. Which I don't mind, he's one of the funniest and most caring person that I know. He's now like two feet taller than me and neither of us could fit in this little car anymore.

Here's a baby me, my cousin Sarah, and Aunt Gail. I don't get to see them much since they live far from me, but every chance I get to see them I am thankful for. Sarah and Mendy (I don't have a picture with her at the moment) are the oldest cousins that I have, and for a few years were the only cousins I had on my mom's side. 

My beautiful Grandma. I love her more than she'll ever know. She's called me Doe Doe for as long as I can remember. I don't get to see her as much as I would like to, but whenever I get to see her it makes me so happy. She makes the best spaghetti and makes friends wherever she goes. 

I love this photo of my Grandma with her brothers and sisters, (my Grandma is in the striped dress). I was only able to meet four of them, but I love hearing stories about them. The ones I did know were always amazing. I remember my Uncle Melvin (second from right) scaring me as a child because he would do the most realistic dog bark every time I looked away. For years I thought he was hiding a dog in his house.

This is me and my big sister Mary enjoying some time in the sun. I'm thankful for her because she always let me hang out with her and her friends even though I'm sure I annoyed them half of the time. She's graduating college this year and I couldn't be more proud of her. I'm also way taller than her now, which always makes people think I'm the one graduating college while they think Mary is still in high school.

I'll leave with these two photos of all my cousins from my dad's side. The Prince kids. It's so weird looking back at these pictures now. Two of my cousins are married, four are in college, and the rest are starting their lives. I miss the days where we would play Survivor at Granny's and freaking out every time someone knocked down the shelf in the hallway. I'm thankful everyday that we all grew up close-knit. I know I can count on any of them if I ever need anything. 

I want people to realize how important it is to ask questions about your family if you have them. Learn about your history. Go to the family reunions even if it's awkward; eat you a hot dog and just listen to what everyone is saying. Dig through the old family photo albums. Visit your grandparents/family members as often as you can. Send them birthday cards or shoot them a text. It is so important to keep these blood lines strong. No one's family is perfect, mine sure isn't. We've all had bumps and fights and difficulties, but don't let those stand in the way of loving those crazy people that the good Lord gave you. 

-Rachel xx

20 Years of Advice.

I've been roaming this Earth for 20 years now. I've been working on my overall mental and physical being for about a month now. It has definitely been challenging and oftentimes painful, but step by step I'm stomping through it. 

Despite all of the turbulence, I've never felt more like myself. I was sitting at my Grandma's house writing down some things in my journal, and a boatload of things came at me at once. I felt an urge to write this post, in hopes of helping someone else, but also in a hope of helping myself realize how wonderful life is despite the obstacles. 

I've compiled a list of 7 things that I've learned so far. I may add to this later, I want to get up to 20 if I can. But for right now, here are 7 things that may help you, they definitely helped me. 

1. Pray continually. I feel like this has often become a cliche. I always hear people say it. It's a wonderful thing to hear or tell someone, but until you really put action behind it, it will have no meaning. I'll be honest with you, I didn't understand exactly what this meant until this Lent season. Praying continually means that you are in a constant state of conversation with God. You don't have to sit, close your eyes then pray; it's just a constant mental awareness of God. I hope that makes sense. Say you wake up and say a prayer, you get ready for school and walk out the door. You look up at all the trees and the sun kissing your cheeks. You send God a simple thank you. Looking at His creation, which can be nature or even your friends. Saying thank you and being aware of the blessings He's given you will make your life much more worthwhile. 

2. "Slow down, you crazy child. Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while." The only way I knew to describe this one was with a lyric from the song "Vienna" by Billy Joel. Slow down! Take a breath. Look at your surroundings and be thankful. Everything doesn't have to be done right this second. Take a moment and clear your mind. I've had to do this so much recently. My mind would get so fogged and my de-froggers (as my family says) weren't working. The only thing that has helped was calmly telling myself to "slow down and breathe." Realize that life isn't spinning as fast as you think it is. Yes, I know there are deadlines in life that need to be met at a certain date, but know that it's vital for your health to just close your eyes and realize everything probably isn't as bad as you think it is. Our minds often over analyze things and expect the worst situation is going to happen, when in fact that rarely happens. Take a moment to yourself today, or tonight, or whenever you're reading this. And it helps to put your phone down and experience the beautiful moments in life that you will never be able to see behind a screen. I know it's hard to peel yourself away from your phone, but trust me. Breathtaking moments happen when you aren't staring at a glass screen. (Are computer screens glass or plastic? I don't know. That knowledge is up my dad and sister's alley.)

3. Music enhances everything. Listen to music whenever you can. I've read something online once how music enhances your life somehow, I'm no expert I'm just preaching from experience. Music gives me this miraculous feeling that makes my skin tingle. I love music. I love hearing the passion in people's voices when they sing. I love listening to these gorgeous words that spew from their mouths. Elton John is the best person to listen to when you walk around, especially if you have to walk to class in the rain. Everything moves in slow motion. One of my favorite lyrics of all time is from Elton John's "Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters" where he says, Until you've seen this trash can dream come true / You stand at the edge while people run you through / And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. Those words just send the most pleasant chill up my spine. This will segway into my next one, but before that here are some poets and musicians you should really look into: Toby Keith (writes all his own songs and has a voice like a warm biscuit with butter), Bernie Taupin (brilliant poet who wrote tons of songs with Elton John, including "Your Song"), Pablo Neruda (I recommend "Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines," you can hear his emotion and it's heartbreaking), Simon & Garfunkel (literally anything by them is great), Bob Dylan ("Buckets of Rain" is my personal favorite), Led Zeppelin, Chris Rice (Christian singer who is extremely underrated, he is worth a listen), R5, One Direction, and Keith Urban, just to name a few. These are from all different genres so hopefully you can find something you like. :)

Faceswap is terrifying. 

4. Love your friends. This sounds simple, kinda dumb even. Of course you should love your friends. But I'm saying you should love your friends to the extent that you are rooting for them in all that they do. Love your friends so much that they inspire you instead of make you jealous. I love my friends. More than they will ever know. All I want in life is for them to live a long, fulfilled, beautiful life, and I want them to know I am always there for them. I have a few childhood friends who have stuck with me since we were in elementary school. Those friends who know me inside and out and were there when I had bangs. (Which was a time in my life that I don't like to touch on. Those darn bangs.) Those friends who were there for me in those super formidable years. I love them to pieces. I know their families. I love them like my own. I went to college kind of lost because I feel like I didn't have a place. I feel like I belong somewhere now. I have a handful of pals who inspire me endlessly. I grew up loving art and drawing and didn't have anyone else to share that with, besides my art teachers. There was this little spark in me that just wanted to be surrounded by a community of accepting people who had that same spark. I found that group and I am overjoyed. I thank God for them everyday. I hope at least one of them will read this and realize that I do not take them for granted, and that I love y'all forever. 

5. You're still single? Yes, yes I am. I've been rowing my little boat stag for eight years now. And it's okay if you are, too. Growing up I never cared about dating. It didn't really affect me until my friends started dating and guys would ask me if my friends or sister were single, which made me feel really puny. I always felt overlooked. I talked to a couple guys in high school. Nothing ever came of any of those guys, except quite a few broken hearts, if I'm honest. And while I'm being honest, I'll confess a few more things. I'm sure I've included these in posts before, or maybe I've even told you in person. But I want to share these things in hopes that maybe if you are in the same situation, you will feel less alone. I've never been on a date. I've never had my first kiss. Heck, I've never held a guy's hand. I have fears that I'll never have any of these experiences. Often I feel like because I haven't had any of these experiences, I have this ridiculous internal fear that every guy that gets near me hates me. Due to my previous encounters I just assume that maybe I'm undateable, unattractive, or just all around screwed up in some way. But let me tell you, it's not true. As much as I'd love to have a boyfriend who I could have a good time with, maybe I'm not supposed to have a boyfriend right now. My worth does not come from a guy. Your worth does not come from a guy. I have a hard time believing this myself, but it's true. Being single doesn't mean you are unlovable. I could delve into this topic more, but I just want to leave it here. Your worth does not come from a boy. Just because you are 17, 20, or even 35 and are single doesn't mean you are screwed up. 

6. Find your happy. Take some time to be by yourself. This kind of correlates to #2. Find what makes you happy. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, do whatever it is that makes you happy. I write, I draw, I do yoga, I go thrift shopping, I sew, I watch YouTube videos, I dress up and take pictures, I make mood boards, I do things to make myself laugh. Find something that makes you feel so unapologetically yourself that all you can do is smile. Being joyful is so important. Explore those things that bring you joy and set up some me-time so you have time to do these things. 

7. Mental health is important. I have never been formally diagnosed with any type of mental illness, so I don't want to diagnose myself just from feelings I've had, because I am not sure if I even have a mental illness. But all I can say is that I have been through many instances in my life where I've hit rock bottom and feel like all hope was gone, I've had panic attacks, I struggle with a plethora of irrational fears that make me feel paralyzed, and for years I've struggled with detrimental self-deprecating thoughts. I would never wish these things on anyone, but thankfully these things have lessened over the years. The one thing that I've found that has helped me is to make sure my mind feels okay before I take on any large task. If I can't somewhat clear my mind, I don't perform well and will make choices I wouldn't normally make. It's easier said than done, but you have to find things that will give you a sense of calm, even for a second. Two things that have helped me are: 1. Praying. If I pray before I start any task, I feel like God's hand is on me. Due to me being human, of course all of my fears won't go away, but praying gives me the reassurance that God is holding my hands through whatever I'm going through and I'm going to be okay. 2. Breathing. I take slow, deep breaths. We had a tornado warning at school a few weeks ago, and my heart started thunderously beating. (Many of you who have known me since I was little probably know this, but I have an awful fear of tornadoes. Even hearing that there is a chance of tornadoes makes me feel like I'm going to die, which is not an overstatement in the slightest.) I was surrounded by people I didn't know and I just had to stand still and take deep breaths. The fear didn't completely go away, but slowing down by breathing helped me regain a sense of my surroundings and not to let the irrational fear control me. Praying and breathing often go hand in hand. Another breathing technique I do (that a lovely friend of mine told me) is breathing deeply, and imagining cool water being flushed through your whole body, taking all of the thoughts and other gunk with it as it leaves your body. You just have to find something that works for you! 

I hope to add more later as they come to mind! 

-Rachel xx