2017, You Rascal.

What a year it has been. In just a few short weeks it'll be 2018, and I usually don't like wishing away the year but I am so ready for a fresh start. I feel like I've been going nonstop for the past five months and I am so ready for a breather.

I started off the year in a weird place. I was very overwhelmed emotionally. I was not able to focus on things I needed to be focusing on. My mind was distant, off somewhere worrying about things I had no control over. (Which has ultimately become the biggest issue in my life that I'm trying to overcome.) All of this worry lead me to seek out counseling, where I discovered all of my negative thoughts and personal/relationship issues all stemmed from myself. My insecure view of myself was what was causing me to overreact and overthink in situations that oftentimes were all constructed in my mind. Such as believing people hated me when there was no evidence to prove that they did or thinking that the way I looked or acted is why I spent most of my nights at home by myself. An overall low view of myself has almost ruined relationships and my own peace of mind. That's a tough pill to swallow. And unfortunately that has followed me throughout this year.

My spring semester was a period of growth. I finished counseling, I was inducted to an honor society, and I became part of a comedy troupe on campus. For the first time in a long time, things were feeling sunshiny and amazing. I wasn't bogged down by insecure thoughts (as much) and I was able to freely feel happy and enjoy my life for the first time in what felt like years. 

Summer is where my life began to dramatically transform. I worked on commissions, bringing in some extra cash flow that I hadn't had in a while. I was in my first off-campus art showing. I felt happy and completely myself. I still had a few bumps in the road here and there, but that's normal. I'd rather deal with bumps than a constant stream of less-than-kind thoughts. I felt warm and joyful.

In one of my bumps of cruel thoughts, I decided to forget what was happening and decided to draw. Scrolling through Instagram and some photos I had saved, I saw a portrait of Pamela Des Barres taken by Daniel Vega-Warholy, a photographer out of L.A. that I had been following for about a year prior. I got out my toolbox of art supplies and began working. I was home alone so I was drawing in silence. I was in one of my weird moods, but I kept working. I ended up going to sit outside and listen to it rain as I sat in my hot garage to draw. I began doubting my skill, feeling like the drawing wasn't good and I kept telling myself I wasn't going to post it. I finally finished it, convincing myself to post it since it took me so long to draw it in the first place. I posted it on Instagram and Facebook, tagging Pamela and the photographer, Daniel. I thought nothing of it. I went about my day, occasionally checking to see if it was getting any likes or comments, but other than that I had put it completely out of my mind. That's how a lot of my drawings go, I feel like I need to make it, I make it, then I'm finished and move on. Well, later that night I got a friend request and message from the photographer. I was overjoyed! I had been loving his work for over a year now, I felt excited that he wanted to converse with me and was happy that he saw my work. Well, life is also very funny. And now it's been a little over five months and we are now dating. I'm working on a full post about this, because so much of this relationship has affected me and how my work has developed and how I see myself and so much more, and I know a lot of people in my life are iffy about the situation since it's not conventional. But again, more on that in a future post. But I am very happy. So incredibly happy that a little moment of doubt turned into something so outrageously beautiful.

Even with a new relationship and a lot of amazing things happening to me once the school year began, I was still struggling to keep up this positive self image my counselor helped me develop. I was told to do things for myself, to focus on making sure my needs were met and that I wasn't being down on myself. That's become increasingly hard for me, especially this semester. It has been nonstop school school school since late August. I welcome the busyness, because it reassures me that I'm doing something that is fruitful, but Lord have mercy, am I exhausted.

Let me break it down for those who don't know, up until this week, my school day began at 8am or 10am, and ran nonstop until 5pm. I know, I know "Rachel that is a normal workday, you have to get used to that sometime!" I'm fully aware of this. I'm fully aware I'm going to sound like a complainer. But until you've been in art school and/or taken multiple studio classes that are 2-3 hours in length,  you don't realize how stressful it is. I feel like I have been wrung dry and there is not much left in me. Every week there was 3+ projects due. Again, I welcome that busyness because it helped me get into work modes where I would just create create create and there wasn't much time to be lazy or to slack off. But many times it just left me feeling like I had no content left in me. I had become so used to just making work I felt like my professors were wanting me to make. In collage, I tried using things other students were using as source material. In painting, I tried to make paintings on what I thought I was supposed to paint. In drawing, I felt like I couldn't think outside of the box enough to submit work that was worth looking at. In photography, I loved photography but realized that it feels more like a hobby rather than a career option, and I felt guilty for feeling that way. 

It took me all semester to realize that I don't need to make work that I feel like my professors want. I needed to start making work I believed was strong. Making things I felt passionate about and work that I was proud to show. By golly, I started doing that and began receiving comments like "this is the best work you've ever done." And these comments were talking about work I had created based of things I enjoyed, or things that I took from my personal life and turned into art. That is where my voice is. 

I struggled at the beginning of the semester because some of my work was being called kitschy, and I don't see that as negative but I know some others do. It was hard to separate myself from the comments I received in class. I would dwell on the negative responses rather than the positive ones. And that's detrimental to my mindset. It warped my view of my work. I felt like what I enjoyed doing was sub-par. My interests have always been in pop culture, and more specifically music and 60s/70s culture. I felt like I had to push that aside in order to make good work. But once I started creating work that did have those elements, it was more openly received. Because I wasn't lying. I wasn't hiding my interests. I was in full blown, "yeah this collage is named after a Rolling Stones song. And I don't care if you don't think that is "art." Because it is to me." 

It was also a giant relief to hear that this one set of work that I am extremely passionate about was well-received by my mentors for my senior show. (In the spring, holy moly!) They pushed me to take it further. To not let it go. I was told to be selfish, create this work because I need to. Just friggin' do it. 

And on a more personal note, I have been struggling with my self image and the way I do things. I have grown up Christian. I am not neglecting those beliefs at all, but sometimes I find myself getting a more religious experience outside of normal religious practices. I'm sitting here listening to Wings and I feel closer to God. Music gets me there, even secular music. I don't really know how to explain it. I still pray and attend church because I honestly do love it, but at times I feel like my life-changing moments are out in the world. It's one of those things I feel awful about because I get afraid that my religious friends and family members are  going to start thinking negative things about me due to my practices and the art I create. I am attracted to the human form, I am attracted to making art about the world. I feel like God gave me this talent to speak up about my emotions. I feel like he put certain things in my path so I could learn from them, even if they aren't considered "Godly" things. I started collecting crystals and things of the sort, not that I necessarily believe they will heal me, but because they make me feel peaceful. And when I feel peaceful I feel closer to God. At times I feel like I need to keep up this "Godly" image and censor my work and the way I live. But ultimately this is my life and my decisions. I am aware of what I am doing. I am an adult. I don't think it's right to judge anyone for how they live their life, especially if they aren't hurting anyone by doing what they're doing. Maybe I have a muddied view on Christianity. But after being surrounded by so many beautiful people from different backgrounds, I cannot judge anyone for their beliefs. My God is about love. And I am called here to create art and to spread love. I cannot stop doing that. That mindset isn't going to change. 

It was a year of a lot of learning. And I'm still learning. I'm not writing this saying, "I am perfect, I am cured!" I still have a lot of issues I need to iron out. I still don't have that overall positive view of myself. I don't see myself how others see me. I don't really know if I ever will. But I try everyday. I'm working everyday to becoming more and more of the person I know God wants me to be. I'm trying not to feel selfish about doing a few things for myself here and there. I know there are a lot of bumps ahead of me. I'm facing them with open arms. I'm ready to continue creating this work and to continue bettering myself. 

And I keep hearing everyone in my life saying, "Don't try, DO!" 

I'm doing  it. I am bettering myself. I will become stronger.

Poetry.

I recently made a few poetry books to sell at an art show and realized that some of these poems I've never shared before. I'd like to share them with you!

Falling: Poetry About the Euphoric Feeling of Falling in Love

Hand Holding 12-2-15
A simple action
It holds so much meaning
it's either a spontaneous grab
the protective grip
or the gradual embrace 
maybe all three
I yearn for that feeling
the bubbly feeling slowly surfacing
then it all explodes

damp palms
too anxious to be held
yet constantly craving contact
as eyes wander
trying to find yours
my hands vacant in my lap
twirling silver bands
until my fingers burn
your hands, so lovely
crafted by Michelangelo himself
mine dull in comparison
the clock spins as I wait
my hands still looking for you 
I twirl the silver bands
I look over my shoulder
a warm presence encompasses me
my worn hands no longer vacant 
the spaces in between are filled
a gentle squeeze 
a simple action
it holds so much meaning
it's all three

Smile 12-18-15
In front of everyone
I exposed my heart
Voice like water boiling
Slow then excited
Trying to make eye contact
But repeatedly shying away
I continued revealing my heart
I saw you looking at me
Almost gazing at me
The look on your face, I'll never forget
The boiling water overflowed
I didn't want to clean it up
you were still sitting there
I said how I wished someone would look at me
like William looks at Penny Lane
It was almost as if it came true
No one has ever smiled at me like that
or looked at me like that
There I was exposing my heart
And you there, looking at me
It was like I was Penny Lane
and you were William 

Untitled 3-30-16
A week
that's all it's been

An innocent message
that's all it's been

A belly of butterflies
that's all it's been

A slew of lengthy messages
that's all it's been

An anxious clench of hands
that's all it's been

A week
a thunderous heartbeat
that's all it's been

Untitled 6-6-16
I don't know how to explain
words seem inadequate
I will try my best

The pastures I gaze at
as my dad drives over the hills
the eternity of the grass
the bumpiness of the cement road
that peace, that comfort
is synonymous with you

But just as I settle in
I close my eyes and exhale
my eyes open
grass and hills are replaced with brick and noise
my peace, my comfort
is waving goodbye


Realization: Poetry About Moments When I Had a Change of Heart

Like a Cement Block 11-16-15
I woke up with clouded thoughts
I'm not sure if I slept through the night

It was one of those sleeps
where I closed my eyes and a second later I awoke

I prayed and prayed
I was thirsty for a minute of serene sleep

It felt like a cement block was encompassing me
I tried to extend my arms but got nowhere

I finally closed my eyes
the cement prison fizzled away

My heart finally got to sit still
then the alarm rang

B. (abbreviated) 11-22-15
I give out my heart so freely
yet no one notices
especially you

I really thought you were the one
maybe you feel the same?
I guess not

I tried my very best
I'm always so shy
aren't you?

I thought you were my future
all the signs seemed to be there
but not to you

I thought you were my future 
but then I got the news
it wasn't me

I still hope one day these feelings will be true for you, too. But I know I'm no longer in your crosshairs, if I ever was.

You Are a Music Box 11-27-15
So much is going on
and you don't quite understand
but you are a music box
you are held in His hands

You think that you are tarnished 
and you can't be cleaned
but you are a music box
He has all that you need

You feel that you aren't cared about
and you have become invisible 
but you are a music box
your music is irreplaceable 

You feel misunderstood
and all you want to do is make people smile
but you are a music box
don't you know you are so worthwhile?

You feel so discouraged 
and your winder is broken
but you are a music box
for your words are well spoken 

My child, your music is beautiful
and without you life would be dull
you are a music box
you make my life full

The Girl in the Stupid Denim Jacket 7-29-16
I had stars in my eyes
yours were just a meaningless reflection of mine 

Warm: Poetry About Feelings of Overwhelming Peace & Comfort

Thank You Part 2 (abbreviated) 12-2-15
I never would've thought 
one day we'd become close
those jokes and looks
turned into a friendship

The first awkward encounter
the two afternoons a week
my nervous laughter
turned into a friendship

Two afternoons became every day
the nerves disappeared 
the multiplied laughs
turned into a friendship

You laugh at me
and I laugh at you
so many laughing fits 
turned into a friendship

The subtle compliments
saturated in sincerity 
and sprinkled with trust
turned into a friendship

I needed an ear to hear me
you were there
those comforting words
turned into a friendship

You showed me 
what a true friend was
and I am so glad
we turned into a friendship

Steak, Grits, & Biscuits 12-11-15
Surrounded by the three I love most
I pulled up a chair
My eyes danced around the table
I put mountains on my plate
unsure at first, then content
I sliced it, dipped it, perfect!
Slowly absorbing the taste 
The conversation continued
But I suddenly heard none of it
My mind zeroed on my plate
Hundreds of memories flooded the room
My heart was shining like the sun
And as warm as the sunset
Millions of thoughts cleared
Only one thing was on my mind
I am exactly where I am supposed to be

Bathtime 12-21-15
The warm water engulfs 
it's still, then moves as I breathe 
like little angel kisses
the epidermis, like sweet, fragrant moss

Kind Eyes 4-19-16
Down you swooped 
Carefully grabbing me
in a moment of surprise

My hope was leaving
but then you came
my hope ran back

Oh how my heart was bursting!
was this even real?!
it was to be a joke

days passed and there you were
pointing my hope back to me
with that gentle smile and kind eyes


________

I have a book full of so many more, I may post more in the near future. <3 

Dear Miss Pamela,

Writing this reminds me of my childhood. When I would sit on the floor of my bedroom and scribble out letters to celebrities that I forgot about days later and never sent. 

With this letter, hopefully you will see it. So if you're reading this, hello! 

Back in the fall of 2015, I was sitting in my college dorm room looking for a movie to watch. I stumbled upon Almost Famous, one that I had never seen but had vivid childhood memories of seeing it in video rental stores. I watched it, and my life changed. A bit cliche of a statement, but I'm not sure how else to put it. I felt like something in me blossomed for the first time. I wanted to write. I wanted to dance. I wanted to read. I wanted to tell everyone about this little movie. My love for Elton John was revived. I remember sitting in my bed weeks later, listening to "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" and crying. I didn't know how to express how I felt about all of this happening inside me. I felt like no one would truly understand why I was so moved. 

A few months passed, and for my music class I had to write a final paper on any musician I wanted. I chose Elton John. It felt like my wildest dreams coming true. I loved writing but wasn't crazy about college research papers, so hearing that I can write about any musician I wanted was making my heart beat thunderously in excitement. I was digging through my school's online database of books looking for something on Sir Elton. There was nothing about him in my school's book collection. But in the corner of my screen there was a book recommendation, (in reality, it probably popped up because I was searching 70s music/style, but I like to believe it was fate) I saw a girl crouching on a rock with flowers in her arm and in her hair on the cover of a book. I clicked on it and read the synopsis. I tucked it away in my memory, in hopes of remembering it later and finding it more about it. 

My memory of it resurfaced, and I ordered the book on Amazon. I couldn't wait until it came in. That night, I snuggled into bed and cracked it open. I was expecting to read something that was going to get my mind off of school stresses and other things I was dealing with. Much to my surprise, it did so much more than just that. 

Within the first 20 pages I was in tears. I felt like this woman, who lived in an entirely different place and different time than me, knew exactly what I was going through as a child. Reading about her crush on Paul McCartney reminded me of my admiration for Harry Styles. Those stupid letters I wrote as a child to celebrities (recently discovered one I wrote to John Travolta the day after I watched Grease for the first time. I couldn't have been more than 10!) suddenly didn't seem so stupid. The scribblings in childhood diaries, the feelings of wanting to escape, lovingly longing for some British boy who would probably never know my name. My imagination and curiosity was paralleled by hers. 

The book, I'm With the Band: Confessions of a Groupie, became another turning point in my life. I was starting to realize that loving music, loving musicians, loving people, was not a taboo thing to do, and that it has been going on before I was born. I'm from a very small town in Tennessee, there is a lot of love here but I often felt like the black swan because of my interests. I always felt like I was alone in my interests and ways of thinking. Reading your book, I felt like I had a soul sister out in the world somewhere. Someone who understood writing letters to celebrity crushes and the ooey gooey feeling when you hear music that you love. I finally felt ready to pour out that bottle that I had been filling up for years. 

I read Take Another Little Piece of My Heart: A Groupie Grows Up earlier this year, and I still got all of those same feelings. Especially in the parts when you were talking about counseling sessions you attended, because at the time I was reading your book I had started counseling for my anxiety. Again, it felt like my soul sister was holding my hand from miles away. When I was stressed at school, you were there. When I felt like someone didn't understand my heart, I know you did. I could tell that soon there was a change in my demeanor once I realized this was all happening. I even told my counselor about how reading your book and some other's books helped me realize I wasn't alone in what I was feeling. 

I started reading Let it Bleed: How to Write a Rockin' Memoir during work one day. (I work at an art museum, it was a slow day and we're allowed to read when it's slow, don't worry! Haha!) I was thankful I had my pencil with me, I was underlining atleast one thing on every page I wanted to remember. I used to write all the time, but I've lost my zest for it this year. I was overjoyed to feel that zest for writing flood back when reading your book. And I'm trying to take the advice from your 12 minute exercises where you said just to write without thinking. That's what I tried to do with this post, and I keep catching myself wanting to apologize and erase, I'm slowly learning to just let it bleed. :p I regret not coming to your Nashville writing class, my anxiety took over and I let that rule my decision, hopefully another one will come around!

As I've worked on myself and my soul on these past couple years, I truly believe that the good Lord put that little book recommendation on my laptop screen because he knew that down the road I would need you to keep pushing me back to myself and what I was passionate about. Whenever I need a pep talk or to feel less alone, I will crack open one of your books or skim GroupieU. They are my saving grace. 

I'm sure you hear this kind of stuff all the time, but might as well add another letter gushing with love and admiration to the list. You have forever changed this little 21 year old gal from Tennessee. You've inspired so much art, so much writing, and so much love. You radiate such a infectious light that I hope to exude myself one day. Hopefully one day I can meet you and give you a big ole hug. If that doesn't happen, your writings and light will always double as a warm embrace. 

Much love to you,

Rachel Prince <3  

We're Going to be Alright.

I will say upfront, it is extremely hard for me to type this all out. It has been haunting me ever since I saw it. It has never left my mind. I don't really think it ever will. 

(First and foremost, I want to make it clear that I am aware I have no idea what it is like to go through such a traumatic event firsthand. I hope I never know. Please don't take this as that.)

I was on Twitter the other day, taking a break from cleaning. I saw a local radio host Tweet something about a "possible explosion" at an Ariana Grande concert. I was very confused at first. I sat in my floor reading nearly every tweet about it for hours. I saw all of the news unfolding before my eyes, from the initial confusion to the heartbreaking conclusion that has been developing every day since. I felt frozen. I started seeing Tweets about missing children, I saw videos of people running, I saw Ariana's tweet that carried so much heartbreak. I was mentally paralyzed by all of this. I didn't know why I was so hurt by it, but then I remembered.

Back in February, my sister got my Ariana tickets for my 21st birthday. I was so happy. I was so happy to be at the concert. I had the best time of my life. I was dancing and singing and I felt so hopeful. I left with heart eyes. She was amazing. The energy was amazing. I got a tshirt that brought so much comfort to me in the coming months. It was a memory of that great night. 

I started thinking about that night once I heard this news. I felt guilty. I remember so many young girls at the concert, toddlers to teenagers. I thought of those same girls at the concert in Manchester. I thought of them getting injured and losing their life for no reason. They did nothing. I can barely see my screen while typing this. It was so unfair. How come I had survived my concert, but these young girls didn't? Why? Why am I still here and these little girls aren't? I have a bad habit of when a tragic event happens, I tend to put myself in their shoes. I don't know why. It happens almost automatically. I know it may be insensitive to do that, but I always have. 

I prayed so hard. I prayed and prayed that it wasn't real. I couldn't handle it. There's no way anyone is this cruel to do this to young people. Still, I cannot fathom it. I never will be able to. And then the fact that Ariana felt responsible just tore me to bits. Her concert is all about love and inclusiveness. She told us she loved us, and I to this day know she meant it with her whole heart. I love her right back. Ever since I saw the first episode of Victorious. I hate that her photo is being plastered everywhere with this horrid story. I hate these beautiful individuals had to go through such a horrific event. I hate it all so much. I want to change it. I feel so helpless. 

I couldn't listen to her music. I know Ariana had nothing to do with it, but for some reason I felt guilty that I could listen to her when others couldn't. (I'm sure by now you can tell I have a bad habit of blaming things on myself that I have no control over.) After I heard the news, all I wanted to do was wear my comfortable tshirt I got from the concert, the one I wear whenever I'm feeling anxious. I couldn't even do that. I didn't want to look at it. Some of the joy seemed to vanish. Then, the next day while I was painting I had my Spotify on shuffle. Her song, "Be Alright" came on. I almost skipped it, but decided to let it play. It was like I was being sent a message of comfort. The song had gotten me through some minor trials earlier this year. Hearing "Baby, don't you know all of them tears are going to come and go. Baby, you just gotta make up your mind that every little thing is going to be alright." and "the hard times are golden, cause they all lead to better days. We're going to be alright." It sent a surge of comfort throughout my body. I was still sad, but I felt a ping of hope. It was a strangely spiritual moment. Out of all the songs of hers I have on my Spotify, that one popped up. I don't think it was a coincidence. I don't believe anyone when they tell me music isn't powerful, or that pop singers aren't deep/influential. My love for celebrity may seem silly, but until you're moved by one to the point of tears, you won't ever understand. (I'm listening to it right now as I type this. My eyes are still full of tears.)

The whole situation really scared me, I won't lie to you. I started thinking about all the beautiful things that happened to me, I began to felt like they didn't even matter. I didn't feel deserving of them. I was scared to go to any other large social event. I felt like our peace was gone. I didn't feel safe. But as the days have progressed, I've realized that I can't live like that. None of us can. I'm still in a state of disbelief. I have always been vigilant of my surroundings, but especially recently. It's good to be aware but I can't let it control my life. I've always struggled with that. I'm still not over it. I've also learned that continually reading stories about it on my phone and on social media is not helping me. I have been debating on the idea of just deleting every social media I own and taking a break. My peace has been tested so many times and I feel like reading those stories constantly isn't helping me. 

Ultimately, I don't believe that evil will win. I don't believe that we are crumbling. With each tragic event that happens, I squeeze hands with my loved ones tighter, I become kinder, I become more loving. I don't take moments for granted. I tell people I love them more. I continue trying to spread my light as much as I can. But I want you to know that if you ever notice an absence from me in the digital sphere, I'm most likely being more present in the real world. 

My prayers go out to the victims and their families, to those who are hurting physically or emotionally from this event, and to Ariana. I love all of you. I wish I could help in some way, the only way I know to help is through my prayers. Ariana, I know you will never see this, but you have been such a light to these young people's lives. We all love you. We love the love you share. We love the light you bring. You are not at fault for any of this. 

Though they intended evil against You And devised a plot, They will not succeed.
-Psalm 21:11

From the Dangerous Woman tour in Nashville. 

I pray that we all become stronger, love harder, and spread peace always. I'm ready to commit to my journey of finding myself again, because I've lost her in these past few days. This evil will not prevail. Evil will not shake us. 

- Rachel xx

"No One Will Love You Unless You Love Yourself"

I have a bone to pick with this sentiment. 

As someone who has struggled with a lot of self-doubt, a lot of insecurities, a lot of emotions, and a lot of self-hate, hearing "no one will love you unless you love yourself" always made me feel worse about the situation I was dealing with. I understand those who said it to me meant no harm by it. I understand the intention around the phrase, I get it. But saying it to an emotionally-broken person, it can be haunting to their overall self image.

I've said it in many blogs before and probably to many of you in person; I'm getting close to a decade of being single. My first (and only) boyfriend was when I was barely a teenager. He was sweet as can be and I'll always have a soft spot for him. He was always so loving toward me even though I had trouble giving that love back to him. He would try so hard to look me in my eyes and talk to me during lunch, but I was so shy that I just looked at my friends or stared at my tray of uneaten food. Even as an adult I feel terrible about it still. (And I doubt you're reading this, but if you are, this is my apology. I truly did like you more than those chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes I stared at.) I didn't realize it until many years later, but I was dealing with some much bigger demons than I would ever believe. The insecurities that were buried so deep inside my fragile heart was affecting my relationship. 

High school came and my fragility was rampant. I could never believe someone actually liked me. I talked to a couple boys throughout the years. Many of them hurt me more than they could imagine, knowing how emotional I am, I know I put too much emphasis on those measly high school crushes. I thought I was feeling true love. I've always been like that. I feel everything 100%. You should see my journals from back then. Love sick puppy on almost every page. But it's strangely comforting to me as an adult, because I haven't changed. I'm still that little puppy who becomes attached to people. As I've grown, I realize it's not always a bad thing. (Even though now my journal has been bare because I have been so worn out with school that when I have free time I use it watching Cheers, ha!) 

I have an issue with feeling that I need acceptance from certain people. I tell myself, "if this person thinks I'm so and so, I must be and I will feel better." It's taken me years, but I can now firmly tell myself that it is not true. Someone I had a crush on years ago somewhat recently gave me a compliment that would have sent my 15 year old self into a frenzy. It was so sweet and unexpected. As embarrassing as it sounds, I wrote about him in my journals all the time and all I wanted was for him to tell me he thought I was pretty. (I hate even admitting this, but someone may relate, so that's why I'm posting it.) And he did. He told me more than a simple "pretty." It was overwhelming. And even as a twenty-something year old I was taken aback. But you know what I realized? It didn't change how I felt about myself. I didn't suddenly feel attractive. My problems weren't fixed. I appreciated his sweet words, but they didn't put a band-aid on my problems that were much deeper than a "you're beautiful."

Sometimes I feel like self-hatred gets overlooked by others who have deeper problems. It is also a deep problem, I don't want to call it anxiety because I've never been diagnosed with it and don't like flinging those words around because I know many people who truly struggle with it. I don't really know what it is. It's hard to explain because when you deal with self-hatred and self-doubt, you don't want to talk about yourself because you get mad at yourself because you start feeling selfish. You can't accept compliments completely because you think everyone is lying to you. You assume everyone doesn't like you. You think that no one pays attention to you. You think you're useless. Every move you make you feel like you're in someone's way or annoying someone. You overthink. You think everyone can see that one curl that's not laying like the rest. You feel bad about winning something because you feel like someone else is more deserving. It's consuming. You blame everything on yourself. Especially as a Christian, you feel like doing something for yourself is selfish and you're supposed to be humble and free of oneself. It feels like I'm juggling teddy bears and then they turn into steak knives. I feel good and then things would crash down and hurt. 

Back to the "no one will love you unless you love yourself" thing. Hearing this, I automatically thought, "wow, if I don't like myself then I will be single forever because people will see me as broken and no one wants to be with someone who is broken." This is so harmful to someone fragile. It makes them feel unlovable. It points out that I have something wrong that someone else is going to see as undesirable. I would repeat this phrase to myself in hopes it would make me feel better and help me start working on myself. It never helped. I started focusing on the thought that no one will ever love me because I don't know if I can ever completely love myself. But I've realized that people can love you even if you don't love yourself. Their love can't necessarily fix you, but it's not impossible for someone to show you love even when you're struggling. I've recognized recently that there are people out there who love me and support me even though I've been struggling. Some have seemed to cast me off to the side, but the rest have been nothing but supportive. I believe someone can still fall for you even if they have problems they're working through. Heck, I've done it. Your problems don't make you unlovable. You are still just as worthy of love as someone who is secure and happy with themselves. 

I'm happy to say that these feelings of self-hatred are becoming more scarce. I am able to do things for myself and not feel selfish. I am taking better care of my thoughts. I'm slowing down and realizing what's really happening so I can reason with my irrational thoughts. I had an amazing counselor who showed me how important that is to do. She genuinely helped me learn to recognize what was making me feel this way and how to take control of it. I have been able to accept compliments better. I have been able to focus on things other than my irrational thoughts. I still hit a few bumps, but it's all a process. It's helped me step out of my comfort zone and do things I didn't think I'd be able to do. I've realized that there are people in my life who are truly supportive of me. I can see it in their eyes when they compliment my art or ask if I'm doing okay. I'm learning to better read that body language. I'm happy to say I don't automatically assume everyone hates me anymore. I can walk into a room without worrying if someone is staring at that one curl at the top of my pony tail that won't lay flat. I've realized I'm worthy of love. You are worthy of love. We are all worthy of love. We need to find those supportive people who lift us up and pay no mind to those who tear us down. 

I know who I am. I'm learning to not be afraid of how I feel. I'm learning. I'm growing. I know I will never achieve 100% confidence and security in myself, I still have deeper issues I need to straighten out. But everyday I take one step closer. I'm becoming who I am supposed to be. And her hands will probably be covered in paint and will accidentally scan her Goodwill Rewards card at the gas pump (I totally didn't do this today.) 

-Rachel xx

Acceptance.

2017 has been strange so far. Strange in good ways and in bad. The first few days of the year were exciting; I felt very hopeful for the new year and saw Keith Urban at the mall (still not over this). A couple days later, my Granny had a major heart attack and she was in the hospital for two weeks. Everything felt so serious and I was worried all of the time. When I get worried about one thing, a thousand other things came out of nowhere and burden me even harder. By the grace of God my Granny pulled through the endless days in the hospital, but I never seemed to be able to pull through my own crippling thoughts.

School started back up. I felt very positive at first, I was having a few anxiety-ridden thoughts. I wasn't unhappy but I felt displaced from reality. There was a lot going on in my mind and I was having a hard time focusing on one thing. Overall, I was consumed with negative thoughts. I had my moments of joy and positivity, but the negativity seemed to constantly consume me.

My family and a few friends encouraged me to go to counseling. I had thought of it before, but then I'd have good days so I thought I didn't need it. I forgot about it until I'd have another bad day and felt I had no one to talk to. I came back from class on one of those bad days and called the counseling office. A wave of comfort came over me. Soon I was seeing a counselor who helped calm a lot of these thoughts. I finally felt secure in myself, but recently I've felt as if I've fallen off the wagon again. 

I've found that I am too easily consumed with other people. I want everyone I meet to like me and I never want to make anyone upset. I like helping people and I want others to be happy. This all sounds like it isn't bad, but I've found that sometimes I am so engulfed in this that I don't take care of myself. I'm not really sure how to explain this, but if you do the same thing then you'll understand. Being so fascinated with people, I often lose myself and don't really know who I am or what I'm doing while I'm in that mindset. This has been one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I'm still working on it. I love helping people and love being there for people, but I've had to realize recently that I can't do that 24/7. I can't be there for people if they aren't there for me. I'm trying to learn to stop putting energy into people who clearly don't care about me. It's all hard. Because if someone doesn't like me, I want to know why. I want to fix it. But I can't fix other people's thoughts. I know who I am and need to stand firm in that.

I didn't realize how hard it is to find things that make me purely happy that don't make me feel selfish doing them. I think the last paragraph goes hand in hand with this. If I'm doing something that makes me feel good, I automatically think that I'm being selfish and I need to be doing something for someone else. It's hard for me not to do that. It's hard to explain. I'm trying to find things that make me feel good and realizing that they aren't selfish things. It isn't selfish to do things for yourself. It's just funny, because if other people are taking a break and doing something for themselves, I don't see it as selfish on their part. I see it as well-deserved. If I do it, I see it as selfish. I'm working on it, it hasn't been easy, but I'm working on it. I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I am a good person, even though my mind makes me think otherwise. 

I think I also need to realize that my happiness shouldn't depend on other people. I can't source my happiness from someone else's. Again, this is a struggle for me since I rely so heavily on others for inspiration and companionship. I love people. I may be quiet and reserved in person, but I adore people. I am so fascinated by them. I'm that weird friend who would be thrilled to go through your old family albums. I will memorize people's facial features and pull inspiration from them in my art. I love it. But I have had to learn recently that I need to find fulfillment from within myself instead of always searching for it in others. I know it isn't bad to source this type of inspiration, but I am learning that 100% of my happiness can't come from others. Again, I feel like I'm making no sense. I hope at least one person understands what I'm saying.

On a religious standpoint, it's been difficult for me recently to stand firm in my faith in God. As an art major, I'm surrounded by people of all different walks of life and backgrounds. I thrive in that environment, but often I feel like an outcast. I know much of it comes from my own turmoil within myself, and I need to work on that. I was sitting in class one night and heard multiple people talk about how they weren't religious or that they don't believe in God. As much as I don't understand that, I realize that not everyone had the upbringing I did. Not everyone is religious. I am religious. The thing I struggle with is feeling like I am a bad Christian since I'm not turning everyone else into a Christian and being "lenient' on my views, you could say. Yes, it hurt me knowing these people didn't know God, but I accepted it. I didn't feel like in that moment I needed to toss a Bible at them. The way they treat me, with so much love and acceptance, I feel like they know some sort of higher power, maybe they don't label it as God or a religion but something inside them is moving them. Maybe that's why I'm not bothered when they tell me they aren't religious. They're showing me the love and acceptance I hope I am showing to them. They may curse and do things I don't agree with, but I don't condemn them. I do things regarding my beliefs I know they don't agree with, but they don't condemn me. Strangely enough, they've shown me more love and compassion than some of the people who I share a faith with. I don't have it in me to neglect anyone because of differing views. I feel like this makes me feel I'm a bad Christian because I feel like I've had Christian friends look down on me for my not-so-conservative views. But I don't think they're bad for having stronger views than I do even if we're in the same faith. I guess in my sometimes hippy-dippy mindset, I just feel like we should love everyone. I don't care who you worship. I don't care who you love. God is love and I am called here to love people. (Sometimes I feel like God put too much love in my heart, half the time I am so overwhelmed by it I don't know what to do. Often to the point I am crying in the car about how someone showed me kindness, ha!)

I have learned that acceptance has to come from within. I'm embarrassed at the amount of times I've found myself looking to someone else to find some sort of validation. Either in the form of a text or a Instagram like, I'm so tired of feeling like that's the only way I can feel loved. I've found love is more three-dimensional than that. It comes from the kind words I received during my critique last week, it comes from realizing how much an old friend meant to you and how blessed you are that they're back in your life, it comes from the watching my Grandpa lovingly look at my mom while she talks, it comes from picking strawberries and smelling them in the spring breeze, it comes from seeing my Grandma provide a safe place for new family to stay, it comes from an embrace in church asking how you're doing, it comes from letting music flow through your veins, it comes from looking at old jewelry in an antique store. I know this phrase is overused, but it's the little things that mean the most. The little things that, in my case, do not involve technology. 

I'm also learning that the things I like to do and the person I am aren't weird or stupid. My counselor tells me almost every visit, "You are Rachel." As simple as that sounds, it grounds me. I know who I am, even if other people don't. I know what I like and I know the type of person I am. I am Rachel, and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a human and I'm learning everyday. 

I am working on myself, I'm still in the middle of counseling and am hopeful I will be as close to carefree as I can be soon. I still want to help others. I still want to make people happy. But I really need to focus on my own happiness for a while. I know I've tried this many times before and I've failed. But tomorrow is a brand new day. 

-Rachel xx

"Those Liberals Are Idiots!"

"Not Defeated" painted by me, 2016
Quotes are from things people have said to me in the past that I felt were belittling, but a couple were just added for a little humor. (Parrot Beak & Girl in Stupid Denim Jackets are the humorous ones)

This hatred spewing left and right in this country needs to stop. I'm not even talking about who was or who wasn't elected president. I'm talking about us. The people living in this country who seem to find so much joy in shouting our opinions at everyone in a forceful, degrading way. 

Logging onto any social media I have this week has been like a dagger in my heart. I've seen so many lovely things that I try to focus on, but the hateful posts I've seen interlaced between the lovely ones are constantly invading my thoughts. 

What really hurts is that people I love and respect are the ones posting things that are hurtful. They are posting things that feel like I stab at my beliefs and opinions. I understand we all have a right to our own opinions and beliefs, because that's what I'm putting out right now by typing this, but there is a way to express what you believe in without sounding hateful. 

I am going to try to express what I believe clearly, here's to hoping I'm successful. 

This Woman's March that happened yesterday that you're insulting, was one of the most liberating things I've seen in my 20 years on this Earth. To see women standing up for their rights and rights of women and human beings around the world, is so beautiful. Peaceful protesting. Peacefully sharing beliefs. (I will say, I was not fond of the signs with vulgar language, but not everyone is the same as me and that's how they felt it would best fit, I'm not arguing with it.) I've seen posts saying that "women aren't treated different as men, why do they need to march." Take a second and read this, it's a blog post by my sister which explains exactly why a woman's march was needed. I understand it's hard to relate to the statement that "women don't have the same rights as men." If you have never personally experienced discrimination because of your gender, then I am so happy for you and hope you never face any discrimination. But realize that there are women out there who face it, almost daily. Strong, beautiful, smart, outstanding, thoughtful women who are looked down on because they are a woman. I've seen it happen to many women that I love. I've heard stories of women who have been taken advantage of because they were seen as "inferior." I've seen their tears. I've cried with them. I've walked home after hearing stories feeling like my heart had been ripped out. I have stood in a room surrounded by tshirts that were scribbled with statements from women who were sexually assaulted and so many other horrific things, because they were seen as objects rather than humans. I stood in that room unable to speak reading the horrific things that happened to women. Women that I was surrounded by every single day. (If you've never heard of it, look into the Clothesline Project, it's extremely moving.) I've been discriminated against. I walked into high school one day, completely covered from head to toe in black (no reason, my outfit was just completely black that day, ha!) and I got pulled into the principal's office because my tights were too sheer and my knees would "distract male students from learning." My KNEES. I had OPAQUE BLACK TIGHTS ON that only showed a peek at my skin color when I was seated in a chair with my knees underneath a desk. I had to sit in the principal's office for nearly 35 minutes because my appearance (again, MY KNEES!!!!) may distract males from learning. Why did we need a Woman's March? Because it's getting old that women are being blamed for a man's inability to act because of what we are wearing. Because women are not inferior to men. Because that little girl sitting in class doodling in her notebook can grow up in a world knowing that her gender does not define what she is capable of. (And I want to clarify my belief on this topic: I did hear about the discord among the Pro-Life community and how they felt they weren't well represented at the March due to being removed as a partner. I understand how that must've been frustrating and I do believe it's wrong to not allow a Pro-Life group as a partner. But I also want to say that I have followed news of the march and have not heard any stories about Pro-Life marchers at the March who were outright disrespected by other marchers who had differing views. Read this if you think I just made this up. And I also want to clarify that I don't consider myself Pro-Life, but that doesn't mean that I believe abortions are right, either. I believe the woman should have the choice of what she can do to her body.) 

I also have seen posts about how "I am not a feminist because I want to marry, I want my husband to be the leader of the house, and have kids." YOU CAN STILL HAVE ALL THOSE THINGS AND BE A FEMINIST. The Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines feminism as: 
:  the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexesBoth sexes or whatever you identify as. It covers them all. It is not strictly only about women, it covers everyone. Feminism is not a belief that you can't have traditional values and beliefs, it's saying that you are free to have a family if you want and take on a traditional maternal role, and it's also saying that if you do not want to fulfill a traditional maternal role, that's cool, too! I am a Christian, I want to be a mother, I want to have a husband that takes control of the household and provides for me. That is what I want. But I believe that if a woman wants to live on her own or be the leader of her household, she can. It's saying that a woman is fully capable of doing whatever a man can do, thus making them equals. It's basically a theory on basic human rights. I truly, truly, recommend taking a Women & Gender Studies class if they offer it at your school. Your eyes will be opened. It's difficult at first. I didn't think I was a feminist when I started the class. All my "feminist" information came from articles written and shared online. That is not an accurate representation of feminism. Spending month's studying it opened my eyes to how tarnished the word is. I am a feminist. (And for the record, if you read this and still feel like you aren't a feminist; THAT IS OKAY. I just want people to realize what feminism actually is before they denounce it so harshly. Do accurate research on the topic and spend time collecting your own thoughts and then making your own opinion. We are all open to our own beliefs!) 
I will be honest with you, I am not thrilled with our president. Nothing he has ever said has made me feel safe and secure. If you disagree, that's completely okay. Us being different is what makes the world go round, different opinions are good. But can we please just, try to understand each other and respect beliefs? I can hardly log onto anything without seeing someone bashing the "liberals" and the "left." You know what? I am the left. I am this "idiotic, whiny, spoiled" group you are referring to in your derogatory posts. Your friend, your acquaintance, the girl that sits by you in class. That's me. You're name-calling someone you probably know and love deeply. And you know what? You don't know my true beliefs. You don't know what my life experiences have been that make me feel the way I do. Just like I don't know yours. I try my hardest not to pass judgment on people because not everyone grew up the way I did. I didn't grow up how you did. Our beliefs differ. We can still be friends. We can still be respectful towards one another without nasty name-calling. I don't think everyone who voted for Trump are "right-winged, conservative, morons." Many people I love dearly voted for him. Do I feel the need to call them morons? No! Even if I don't understand why you voted for him, I'm not going to shut you out as a person or call you names because of it. There are radicals in every religion or party you belong to, it doesn't mean you are the same as them. Can we just be nice?
There's also something that has been weighing me down for a while now, and I never want to mention it because of fear I will upset someone. But I feel it's important to bring up. I lean toward a more Democratic belief. Saying so, I'm not saying that I believe everything that Democrats stand for, and I'm also not saying that I disagree with all that Republicans stand for. But when it comes down to it, my belief system aligns more with the Democratic side. (More clarification: I prefer to look at how a particular person acts rather than a political party, meaning I don't just vote solely on what political party someone is in, but for the sake of this post, I am just focusing on the party because it is what this story revolves around.) What burns me up inside is that I was indirectly told once that "Democrats can't be Christians." This comment was not directed at me, but it was made (to my knowledge) without them knowing what my political beliefs were. I felt all sorts of anger and confusion. I had never questioned the two not "fitting" together until that moment. I became very aware of this apparent belief that many held in the months after it occurred. I was very confused. I kept my beliefs to myself because I didn't want friends or family members to think my political party wasn't "Christian." But who is to say who is a good Christian or not? You don't know what people do in private. You don't know how many nights they've cried out to the heavens just for an answer, or to just even feel like they weren't alone when they felt no one was there for them, possibly due to comments like this. All because someone doesn't outwardly talk about their religion to your face, doesn't mean they aren't Christians. And all because they have a particular belief about something regarding politics, doesn't mean they aren't Christians. We are not on this earth to condemn others, only God can do that. Our job while we're here is to love and serve others. If God wants to strike me down when I get to heaven because I am a "Democrat," then let him do it. No one will have to deal with it except for me, so I'm going on my merry way doing what I believe the Lord is telling me is right. The same goes for you. If you truly feel the Lord is telling you do something, you should listen to him and not let anyone steer you astray. 
Being religious on a college campus isn't easy, either, while we're somewhat on the topic. Once people find out you're a Christian, it always feels like they treat you different or think of you different. I know because it's happened often to me. I've spoken up in class about something I believed in, just to be shot down by someone who didn't have the same beliefs as me. Like I've said many times in this post, it's good to have different beliefs, but as Ms. Crick taught us in high school, there is an appropriate way to respectfully disagree with someone. This person was not that way toward me, and I believe that's why I took it so hard and still have a hard time getting over the whole situation. It made me afraid to speak out in class. I'm still trying to overcome that fear and stand firm in my beliefs and talk about them outwardly. I can tell people have been turned off by me because of my beliefs. When people realize you aren't going to go out and do certain things because you feel they are going against your beliefs, it's as if you are thought of as "perfect." (More on this later.) This story is still continuing. But what I do know is that God is still there, he still loves me, and he is still supporting me even when I know I disappoint him. 
I also think it's vital to open your mind to the world. Open your mind and realize there is more to the world than Middle Tennessee (or wherever you are right now.) The world is so so big. Learn about different people, learn about different practices, and learn about different religions. And let me clarify, you can be educated about different religions and still stand firm in your personal faith. I've learned about Buddhism, Islam, Paganism, to name a few, and never once have I considered converting. I believe being open to these religions and learning about them makes my mind more well-rounded, and I begin to understand their ways of life. I don't practice them or believe in them, (although in complete honesty, much of what I practice and believe in Christianity is at times similar to those other religions, because much of their beliefs are similar to Christian beliefs) but I still respect them and accept they exist. I want everyone in the world to know about Jesus. I want his name and his message to spread throughout the world. I can still want that and respect other religions. God called us to love. I will not ever hate a person for their religion, because I wouldn't want someone hating me for mine. 
And please, please, I beg of you, do not call me perfect. I've had friends and others tell me that my life seems "so perfect." I appreciate the somewhat compliment, but my life is far from it. I am blessed more than I deserve, with a close-knit family and a handful of good friends; but my life is not perfect. It may seem like that on the outside looking in, but trust me, it is not. The good Lord blessed me with a strong heart, one that has always made it possible for me to stand firm in my morals and not let people change me. But you don't realize that strong heart is also the one that makes me hurt so  much sometimes that it's unbearable. I have a mind that thinks so many thoughts a minute, over-analyzes, makes me feel pathetic almost constantly. You don't realize how many times I have to stay still and do breathing exercises just so I can build up the courage to leave my apartment. You don't realize that I get so panicky and worried about stuff that isn't even there/happening. I beat myself up for everything. I beat myself up because I left a note book at school by accident. I called myself an idiot for it and cried and told myself I'm not doing anything right. I am not perfect. No one is perfect. We are all living here on this world, just trying our hardest to make it through. I'm getting better one day at a time. Love and acceptance is the only thing that will heal us. 
All this is extremely hard for me to say. (My hands are ice cold while typing this, something that happens whenever I am afraid.) But I was tired of waking up every morning and going to bed every night feeling like the love I crave so bad for my community was slowly flowing away. I want to get a giant bucket and bring it all back. I didn't write this to be angry or to make you feel upset. I wrote this so you could  maybe see a different side of the situation, coming from someone who doesn't always enjoy speaking up about her beliefs. I want us to accept everyone even if they disagree with our opinions, let me rephrase that, WE NEED to accept everyone even if they disagree with our opinions. We need to rediscover that love that Christ instilled in us. The one that makes us tear up on Sunday morning because we are so full of love. We need to spread those happy tears to those who disagree with us. It's fine to disagree with others. We just desperately need to practice being kind to each other even if we do disagree. Realize that there are many more people in the world than those we know in our hometowns. Even if you aren't struggling with something that someone is fighting for, recognize that someone out there is going through it. Love those who persecute you. Love those who love you. Don't pass judgment if you haven't been through what someone is going through. Stand true to your beliefs, but don't beat someone else down for not seeing things exactly like you do. All because it isn't happening to you, doesn't mean it isn't happening. Educate yourselves. Talk to people who aren't like you. Share opinions. Accept people are different than you. Don't call people names. If you're feeling like you can't do any of these things, go out and get a cheeseburger and reconsider. Above all- Love.Love Love.
I'd like to end this on the lyrics from Bob Dylan's "Blowin' In The Wind," because whenever I'm needing peace or guidance, this song always pops up in my mind. 

How many roads must a man walk down

Before you call him a man?

How many seas must a white dove sail

Before she sleeps in the sand?

Yes, and how many times must the cannon balls fly

Before they're forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind

The answer is blowin' in the wind

Yes, and how many years can a mountain exist

Before it's washed to the sea?

Yes, and how many years can some people exist

Before they're allowed to be free?

Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head

And pretend that he just doesn't see?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind

The answer is blowin' in the wind

Yes, and how many times must a man look up

Before he can see the sky?

Yes, and how many ears must one man have

Before he can hear people cry?

Yes, and how many deaths will it take 'till he knows

That too many people have died?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind

The answer is blowin' in the wind

-Rachel xx