A Love Letter.

This is a love letter. Not to a person. Not to a group. But to a little town that I never realized how much I loved until about 3:45 this afternoon. 

I was driving home from college, and I decided to drive by my old high school. I usually take a different route, but every once in a while I drive by the school just for a change of scenery. 

I turned off a back road, onto an even smaller back road. I drove past a couple barns and fields. Not really thinking much of anything. The CD I was listening to ended to I turned on the radio. "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins was on. A smile instantly spread across my face. This song was used on our senior video and it always makes me feel nostalgic. I turned onto the road that my high school is on. I looked over at that brick building while Trace Adkins sang the chorus. You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. I wanted to stare longer. I continued driving and saw the middle school girls practicing softball. I drove a little further and saw the high school guys practice baseball. I saw the sidewalk that I hated for so many years because of all the times I had to run on it. And also the time that I fell down and I was so behind everyone that no one saw me and I had to finish my mile with a bloody knee. Everything started flooding back so fast. I pulled up to the stop sign and waited to pull out on the highway. I saw the train. That infamous train. I remembered all the times I had to sit and wait for that dang train to pass so I could go home. I saw stupidly big trucks with rebel flags adorning them. I thought of all the times we traveled on the highway to go to tennis practice and matches. I remembered my sister taking me and our friends home from school. These memories started flooding back so fast that if I wasn't driving, I probably would've burst into tears.

Greenbrier is my home. 

I remember how much I hated coming to school everyday because I felt like I lived the farthest from school than anybody I knew. It took me 15 minutes to get to school. It took everyone else about 5 minutes. That fact alone made me feel like an outsider. I remember when I got rezoned to White House. I remember getting the envelope in the mail giving me the choice between Greenbrier and White House. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to leave Greenbrier. 

Josh & I being the coolest kids in the world. 

Freshman year I remember seeing all these kids walking around the white halls. Everyone seemed so big and I was so freaked out. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I didn't know anybody. My sister was supposed to be here somewhere but I couldn't find her. I'm sure my face looked like someone just told me a secret I didn't want to hear. I was terrified. I wasn't the most social person. I joined a little group called SGA, mainly because my sister's best friend was in it and she asked me to join. I became a part of SGA. I credit those first 2 years in that organization for making me feel connected to high school. I felt like I was making a difference. I decorated for dances, we went on trips, I can't count how many times I laughed so hard that I cried. There were also plenty of stressful tears. I still think of the night I had to glue hundreds of tissue paper squares to a sheet of paper the length of a hallway, just for it to be thrown away because we didn't need it anymore. I have so many good memories from those years. I could write books about all of them. I still crack up thinking about some of the things that happened. And all of the bonds that were made those first two years I was in the organization. I miss it and the others that were in it every single day. I would still do anything for those people. There's a little piece of my heart with a collage of their faces on it. 

Winter Retreat Sophomore year, definitely a highlight.

Sophomore year was not a good year. I'll just say that now. I don't even like touching on it. I lost contact with a lot of friends due to things I couldn't control and didn't realize was going on. I felt really alone. I still had plenty of friends. I had people I could've talked to but I didn't. I kept to myself. I always told myself to stay true to myself, but I felt like I was the problem. Like, I was driving these people away. Who I am was what was wrong. I was emotionally drained and felt like my world was falling apart. My breaking point was one day at tennis practice when we were all joking around like usual but for some reason I took the jokes personally and started crying. I didn't know what was wrong. I felt like my life was going nowhere. I don't even know how these feelings started bubbling up. I was only 16. It was a dark time. I wouldn't wish that rock bottom feeling on anyone. Many of these feelings and worries bled into junior year. I started panicking about lots of things I had no control over. I'd hold it in as long as I could until I just burst into tears again. I remember it happened in the middle of class one day. We were having a party and I just couldn't clear my thoughts. My teacher took me outside to talk and I am forever thankful for that moment. It was one of the first times in high school I felt like a teacher truly cared about me and how I was feeling. Two of them did everything they could to make me feel better. They even prayed with me. I never knew the lengths a teacher would go to just to make sure I was okay. That was a big turning point in my life. Someone showing me so much love even though I was acting ridiculous was just, I can't explain the feeling. It was like God saying, "you are loved and you are going to be okay."

One of the best nights of my life.

I credit senior year to being the biggest turning point of my life. I can actually pinpoint the exact date. It's soon to be the 2 year anniversary of our class's Prom Fashion Show. We had to go to Dillard's to get dresses. I was nervous because I was with all of the "cool" girls and I felt like I was so below them on every single level. I had to walk around and smile in this dress. I didn't think anybody knew me. I went through most of high school feeling like I was a throwaway person. I was afraid that if I walked out everyone would be silent and wonder who I was. I stood backstage with all of those other girls in my grade. All of these levels of hierarchy that I had internalized fizzled away. All of these "cool" girls were nervous. They were all freaking out. We were like this little girl army who just wanted to do a good job. I didn't feel like a throwaway anymore. We were all one. I walked out to do my solo. People cheered. I was in shock. I looked at both sides of the stage and saw my classmates peeking their heads behind the curtain smiling. I have never in my life been in such a supportive group of individuals. We all were cheering each other on. It was such a beautiful experience.

I remember people saying, "I can't wait to get out of this stupid town." It's something we all seemed to say once junior year hit. We wanted to start lives and move on from the little town we all grew up in. I was guilty of saying it, too. I wanted to get out and experience something outside of this country upbringing that I was so used to. I wanted to move onto something bigger and better. 

Pure joy. Getting to walk with 2 of my childhood friends was such a blessing.

Graduation came. I walked behind the football field to go to my line. All the girls dressed in white gowns and the guys in green. Seeing all these faces that I've known since middle school, and then the ones that I've known since I was 5. I love all my Greenbrier friends, but I have a special place in my heart for my Watauga friends. We all kind of stuck together when we went to Greenbrier, even if we didn't stay close friends throughout our high school years. I felt this unspoken, "I still am here for you" thing between us. Thankfully, I got to stand in between two of these Watauga people. That moment will forever be my favorite memory from graduation. The commencement was over. We threw our caps to the sky.

It was all over. This crazy ride had ended. There was no more hearing Sorrells yell "Greenbrier High Scoooooo!" during pep rallies. No more screaming because there was a cockroach in the bathroom. (Still freaky, but I kinda miss it.) There were no more yearbooks. There were no more funnel cakes or cookie snowmen in cooking class. No more Friday night football games. No more staying after school late into the night to decorate for dances. No more pre-Sonic runs before tennis. No more having to get some senior guy to cut the lock someone accidentally put on your locker. There was no more Dickerson magic tricks. No more push-ups in Miranda's room. No more chicken nugget day. (This one makes me the saddest.) 

I had finally gotten what we always wished for, to "get out of this stupid town." I got to experience life somewhere else. I go to school an hour away from home. I am surrounded by the most beautiful, influential, diverse group of people I've ever been around. My world has opened up a lot since high school. Meeting people from different states and cities is exciting. Growing up knowing everyone around you is a comfort that is hard to get away from. It's taken me a couple years but I've gotten used to it. I love being where I am. I love the friends I've made. I could talk about my friends all day. They are all so beautiful and I try to tell them as much as I can. I advise you to do that, too. Let people now you love and appreciate them. That's something I never did in high school. I was afraid to tell people anything, especially how I felt towards them. 

That's one thing that was positive about leaving Greenbrier. My world view opened. I noticed how big the world was. I found who I was. I've felt truly happy for the first time in a long time. I've met so many influential people in college that have helped form me into who I am right now.

Leaving this little town I grew up in made me appreciate it more. I know there are still people in this town that I can go to if I need something, even if we haven't talked in a while. Like I mentioned before, there still seems to be this unspoken connection. 

I know this seems like a roundabout way of saying all of this. How is this a love letter? Well, without all of these things happening I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have known the care a teacher has for their students. I wouldn't have realized that high school cliques are just a cliche. I wouldn't have realized that sometimes people just need to grow apart for a while to grow back together. I realized how important it is to be yourself. This little town that often gets a bad rep and people always want to "get out of" is my home. There's a glow around this town that no other place I know has. It's warm. It's welcoming.

Once I turned down the little road, looked to the right, and saw that little brick building. I felt like it was telling me, "you are home, you will be alright." 

I love this little town, and always will. 

Poems.

In November of last year, I was sitting in my room one night and I got a blast of inspiration. I picked up an empty notebook I had and started writing down these words that poured into my mind. I've written 21 poems since that November day. My heart has been very full since then and also full of longing. I feel like I've been cursed with a heart that feels everything so completely. I tend to hurt easily but also am happy very easily. Some of these I wrote from experience, others were scenarios I made up.

I didn't pay attention to any poetry rules, so I know some of these might not make any sense at all, literary and grammatical wise. Regardless, they all came from my heart and I felt like I needed to share some of them with you. I wrote these all on impulse, which I discovered is an amazing release when my heart is overflowing. These aren't all of them, just a select few I feel comfortable sharing. I hope you enjoy these. I know they aren't all the happiest poems, but I wrote them during very emotional times in my life, many reflect that.


Holding / 11-11-15

Holding
onto the hope that I know is useless

Holding
those seconds that my world stopped

Holding
onto those thunderous heartbeats

Holding
the pencil for hours to create your beauty

Holding
onto wishing you'd notice me

Holding
the gaze that'll never be met

Holding
onto the hope that I know is useless
when I really just want to hold your hand

Like A Cement Block / 11-16-15

I woke up with clouded thoughts
I'm not sure if I slept through the night

It was one of those sleeps
where I closed my eyes and a second later I awoke

I prayed and prayed
I was thirsty for a minute of serene sleep

It felt like a cement block was encompassing me
I tried to extend my arms but go nowhere

I finally closed my eyes
the cement prison fizzled away

My heart finally got to sit still
then the alarm rang

Never Be / 12-2-15

I see you in dreams.
I draw you on paper.
I write about you.
It'll never be.

You are an inspiration. 
You always amaze me.
You are so talented.
It'll never be.

It's fun to imagine.
It seems like it'd be perfect.
It feels good.
It'll never be.

I'm a fool to think about it.
I'm dumb to believe it.
I'm so ridiculous. 
It'll never be. 

Hand Holding / 12-2-15

A simple action
it holds so much meaning
it's either the spontaneous grab
the protective grip
or the gradual embrace
maybe all three
I yearn for that feeling
the bubbly feeling slowly surfacing
then it all explodes
damp palms
too anxious to be held
yet constantly craving contact
as eyes wander
trying to find yours
my hands vacant in my lap
twirling silver bands
until my fingers burn
your hands, so lovely
crafted by Michelangelo himself
mine dull in comparison
the clock spins as I wait
my hands still looking for you
I twirl the silver bands
look over my shoulder
a warm presence encompasses me
my worn hands no longer vacant
the spaces between are filled
a gentle squeeze
a simple action
it holds so much meaning
it's all three

That Day / 12-7-15

I can imagine the day
I can see the moment
I set up my easels and charcoals
I sit on a tall stool
I put a stool out for you
I tell you where to look
I keep checking to see if it's right
I glide my charcoals across the page
I ignore the black snow falling
I ask you about your life
I study your curves with care
I hear you laugh
I capture that expression
I listen as I work
I am enthralled by your stories
I make a mistake
I know you won't notice
I take it away and start again
I continue to study as you talk
I make eye contact often
I catch that iridescent glimmer
I carve you out with care
I notice every stroke
I am still listening to you
I take a break
I continue to talk and listen 
I tell you about myself
I go back to work
I look at you with fresh eyes 
I try to position you back like before
I work until my hands ache
I work until I'm covered in dust
I look at you and smile 
I watch you get up and look
I soak in your expression
I sign my name 
I thank you tenfold 
(unfinished, I wanted to end this differently than that, but I couldn't think of anything.) 

Steak, Grits, & Biscuits / 12-11-15

Surrounded by the three I love most
I pulled up a chair
My eyes danced around the table
I put mountains of it on my plate
Unsure at first, but then content
I sliced it, dipped it, perfect!
Slowly absorbing the taste 
The conversation continued
But I suddenly heard none of it
My mind zeroed on my plate
Hundreds of memories flooded the room
My heart was shining like the sun
and as warm as the sunset
Millions of thoughts cleared
Only one thing was on my mind
I am exactly where I am supposed to be

Smile / 12-18-15

In front of everyone
I exposed my heart
Voice like water boiling
Slow, then excited
Trying to make eye contact
But repeatedly shying away
I continued revealing my heart
I saw you looking at me
The look on your face, I'll never forget
The boiling water overflowed
I didn't want to clean it up
You were still sitting there 
I said how I wished someone would look at me
like William looks at Penny Lane
It was almost as if it came true
No one has ever smiled at me like that
or looked at me like that
There I was exposing my heart 
and you there, looking at me
It was like I was Penny Lane
and you were William 


I know these may sound random or like a lovesick tween wrote them, but sometimes you just go through lovesick moments. Sometimes you crave something so much that you just have to write it out. I never really wanted to let anyone know I thought any of these things or put the thoughts into words, but I was looking at my little black notebook and I felt like I needed to set some of them free. 

If you read them, thank you. I appreciate taking the time to read the words that have engulfed my life so much that I could barely breathe. 

I hope you have a wonderful Sunday, and have an even better week.

Rachel xx

2015.

Whew. 
That's the first word that comes to mind when I think of 2015. It was a tumultuous year. Many great things happened, but there were some sad things that happened, too. 

This is the most emotional year I've had thus far. I lost my grandfather early this year, which was something I really wasn't expecting. I lost touch with some people that I never thought I'd lose touch with. My self confidence and belief in myself and other things in my life was slowly going down the drain all year, only to suck it back up in the last few months of 2015. 

Despite all of the things that happened this year that weren't so great, the incredible outpouring of love that I encountered outnumbered the negative things that happened. I never knew the amount of love and admiration I could feel for someone until this year. I never knew someone could love me and my family so much until this year. Through a lot of my tragedy came love and peacefulness. God has definitely been holding my hand all year, and I have been squeezing his hand especially tight these past few months. 

I have really come to know myself and love myself. I've been reflecting on this past year all week, and I noticed how much the people in my life have affected the way I view myself, and also how all of the people I've met have unknowingly built off one another and helped me in some way. 

Towards the beginning of the year, I was craving friendship and wanting someone to notice me. It was my second semester of my freshman year, and I really wanted to have tons of friends and be social. I've always been shy, so making friends is hard for me because I never know how to approach people. But you know what happened? Once my sophomore year started, I just told myself to be myself and not to worry what people thought of me. I did this and the most beautiful thing happened. I made friends. I was able to talk to people. People talked back to me. What was this weird science?! Being myself helps you relate to people better? Crazy. It was amazing. I have the greatest, most beautiful, inspiring friends now. I thank God for them everyday. I am in awe of them all of the time. I love watching them do the things they love. I love them so much. It's funny how once you just forget about trying to make friends and just let things roll is when you find the people you never knew you needed. That was definitely one of my biggest highlights of this year. 

I also want to just take a moment and thank one of my professors. Each one I've had has chipped away at my shell I encase myself in, and has helped me begin to blossom into who I want to be. There's one in particular that will always hold a special place in my heart. I love writing, but I always felt like I wasn't good at it. I had this killer English professor that I just adored. He always made me feel like I was capable of doing whatever I wanted and was so incredibly understanding, especially when my grandfather died. I remember telling him I would be missing some class because of the funeral, but I ended up coming back to class earlier than I thought. I came to class and just the look he gave me when he saw me sitting there. There was a lot of care in that look, something I never expected from a college professor. He told me that I didn't have to be there, I was just in shock. I am so thankful for him. I don't think he realizes how much he affected me. He's the reason I started gaining more confidence in myself and my writing. He also told me that I, excuse the language, "kicked ass" and that was the coolest thing anyone has ever said to me. I felt like I needed to go buy a leather jacket. 

We had a really big snowstorm this year. I know lots of people hated it but I was so excited by it. I love snow and cold weather. Class got canceled and we played out in the snow. I just love snow. LOVE snow. 

One of my pieces got picked to be in our school's annual student art exhibit. I was so pumped but in shock that they thought my piece was good enough to get in. My work had never been in a show and I didn't know what to expect. I was so intimidated and I'm sure I looked like a dog with my tail between my legs, but it was so incredibly exciting. And just a month or so ago, I got accepted into the BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) program, which was also nerve wracking. I had to sit in a room with all of the art professors and they were critiquing my work in front of me. It was scary but I learned so much. I'm so thankful for the experience and thankful that I am able to progress in my art career.

I saw Weird Al this year, I hadn't seen him since 2011. I don't even have to explain that one. I sat by a dude with a kilt on. It's an experience. 

David Spade has favorited my tweets six times now. The first time it happened I smiled like an absolute idiot. I'm just going to be blunt about this, if I was David Spade's age I would definitely be in line to date him. I adore that man.

And my apologies to Patrick Fugit, I've drawn him way too many times but he was kind enough to like each of them on Instagram. Even though an Instagram like really doesn't mean much, the fact that he saw something I worked on so hard means the world to me. 

I had the privilege to attend three beautiful weddings this year. Two of family members and one of a friend. So surreal to see us all old enough to even get married but absolutely gorgeous nonetheless. 

I also had the privilege to be in our church's annual Christmas play. I got to be the main character and I can only hope that I did her justice, because over the past few weeks I really grew to love her. She was a girl named Maria. I won't explain it well, so if you're curious listen to this song. It's "The Gift" by Garth Brooks, and it's what our play was based on. A wonderful, talented woman in our church wrote a play from it, and I am so thankful that I was able to be in it. I had been so worried about getting my lines and cues right, that I didn't appreciate the play and the song until the next Sunday at church. Our pianist played it and sang it during offering, and man, it hit me like a giant beautiful truck. I was so overcome with emotions. The whole story is just, awe-inspiring and I'm so happy that I was a part of it. 

One of my all time favorite moments of 2015 was Christmas Eve. On Christmas Eve, I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep (spoiler alert: I slept one hour and looked like a zombie all Christmas day because I had no sleep) and this overwhelming feeling came over me. I felt like God was sending me a message saying, "Everything is going to be okay. I sent my son here to save you. You are washed clean as snow." My heart overflowed. I cried and smiled and laughed at the same time. I had never felt something like that before. Everything that was burdening me all year was just gone. God had bagged it all up and took it away from me. My prayers that I had been praying all year were answered. 

I am so thankful for this year. I'm thankful for the rough patches, because it lead me to the rosy patches. I am so happy, and I am so ready for 2016.

I hope you had a great year, and I hope 2016 is even better. 

God bless and lots of love to you all, and see you in the new year!

Rachel xx 

You Are Amazing.

I took these pictures last night after I got out of the shower. I looked into the mirror and laughed at my raccoon eyes. I started thinking about how many times I used to look into the mirror and hate what I saw. I remember looking and being so disgusted. My nose was too big, my eyelashes were too short, my hair was too frizzy, my teeth were too small. The list got longer and longer. 

You know what I realized afterwards? It's been nearly a year since I've looked into the mirror and absolutely hated what I saw. I no longer look in the mirror and continually stare like I used to. That girl who used to cry if her hair looked bad was gone. 

I never realized how detrimental those thoughts and "I'm so ugly" comments were until they stopped. I never realized how being so self-deprecating could ruin beautiful memories in your life. I remember looking at old photos and not remembering anything about the moment that was captured except for how I looked. Memories are tarnished and are impossible to clean if your mind is full of these damaging thoughts. I am so glad that those constant thoughts are behind me. They occasionally creep in and tap me on the shoulder, but I stick my tongue out at them and go on with my day. 

I realized that being pretty didn't mean anything. Sure, you may get more dates or boyfriends. Maybe I'm not conventionally pretty. Maybe I'm not a bombshell. You know what? I am okay with that. I used to only care if guys liked me. I just wanted one to look me in the eyes and sincerely tell me I was beautiful. You know what? That hasn't happened. And you know what else? I'm perfectly okay with it.

I was told for years that no guy would like me until I liked myself first. I spent my whole first year of college liking myself. The funny thing about it is, I suddenly stopped caring what boys thought of me during this time. I started liking myself because of myself. I was no longer motivated by anything except for peacefulness and happiness. I just wanted to feel happy. I found this happiness. I found how to be truly happy. I've grown so much as a person this past year. I'm at a point in my life I never thought I'd be at. If you told me a year and a half ago to go out in public without makeup and my hair down, I would've probably started crying. Well guess what past self, you went out today with no makeup and your hair down, and you still got smiled at and people still talked to you. You were okay. And you will be okay.

You know what I realized in this time of growth? I'll list some of them below.

1. Writing poems is a good way to release feelings.
2. Getting lunch with someone is a lot more fun than getting lunch alone.
3. Your face is thankful that you aren't wearing makeup everyday.
4. Almost Famous lights a fire in me that I never knew was possible.
5. With a little dedication, you can accomplish what you set your mind to.
6. Instant hot chocolate tastes so much better with milk.
7. I forget the world exists while I'm in antique stores/thrift shops.
8. Mom jeans from the 90s fit your body much better than those low rise things.
9. You don't have a consistent jean size. Because jean sizes are kablooey. 
10. I can make macaroni and cheese.
11. I don't have many friends, but the few I do have mean more to me than anything in this whole world and I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I thank God everyday for you all. Like, I want to personally go to your door and give you a big bear hug. You have no idea how much you mean to me. 
12. You aren't going to suffer forever. 
13. Not everyone thinks hairless cats are cute.
14. Loving everyone does nothing but improve your life. 
15. Wear heels.
16. Compliment people.
17. You can dress like Penny Lane if you want to. (I just love Almost Famous, y'all.)
18. School work is important but don't let it define your life. Make time for friends and for schoolwork.
19. If it's not funny, don't feel obligated to laugh.
20. Dance whenever you see Christmas lights or hear Hotline Bling.
21. Stare at every dog or cat you see as long as you can.
22. Writing letters/poems to people even if they never know about it feels so good. (I get it now, Taylor Swift. I completely understand.)
23. Get mozzarella sticks and eat them in your car while pretending you're singing a duet with Toby Keith. 
24. Create art all the time. Draw what you want and anything that inspires you. Surround yourself with people who push you to be better in your art and as a person. 
25. Be unapologetically yourself. You will find people who appreciate you for who you are.

It took me nearly 20 years to learn all of this. Life is beautiful. There is more positive happening than negative. Tell your friends and family you love them. Draw pictures of someone you admire and send it to them. (Thank you Patrick Fugit for always liking my drawings of you, you make my heart happy.) Tell people thank you. Listen when others are talking to you. Give people compliments about their character rather than their appearance. Run in a field whenever you can. Take pictures and scrapbook them. Hug somebody. 

Whatever you do, don't ever look in a mirror and hate yourself. There are so many things inside you that make you a great person. When you look in the mirror, look for those things. And I promise you will be happy. 

Have a great night. I hope you have a duet with Toby Keith soon.

<3 Rachel 

You Are A Music Box.

Life has been a bit hectic lately. The only reason it's been hectic is because I make it hectic. My mind can be very cruel to me, excruciatingly cruel. Feeling an emptiness in the pit of your heart and not knowing how to fix it is hard. 

There are so many good things in my life. Amazing things, actually. I think the reason for all of my heartache is just me being selfish and wanting more. Wanting more of things I don't need. Wishing I had a boyfriend, more friends, more money, just more of things I don't need because I already have all I need. I realize that sometimes, especially when I'm drawing or writing.

There's a world I can create that distances my mind from the actual world. The stresses of everyday life and my cruel mind fizzle away when I draw or write. It's such a strange, magnificent feeling. 

I've been keeping a notebook for a couple weeks now. I've been filling it with poems that come to mind. I never thought in a million years I'd find so much release in writing poems. I've already written eleven of them. Most are a bit sad, but there are some happier ones. I wanted to share one with you that I wrote a couple nights ago, along with a quick self portrait I drew tonight.

You Are A Music Box

So much is going on
and you don't quite understand
but you are a music box
you are held in His hands

You think that you are tarnished
and you can't be cleaned

but you are a music box

He has all that you need

You feel that you are not cared about

and you have become invisible

but you are a music box

your music is irreplaceable

You feel misunderstood

and all you want to do is make people smile

but you are a music box

don't you know you are so worthwhile?

You feel so discouraged

and your winder is broken

but you are a music box

for your words are well spoken

My child, your music is beautiful

and without you life would be dull

You are a music box

you make my life full. 

Have you ever thought about a music box? I really hadn't. I feel like we take advantage of the beautiful music it makes and we don't sit and take the time to appreciate it. I feel like I can relate to that. Being shy, it's been hard for me to make a lot of friends. I keep to myself a lot until someone winds me up, like a music box. It doesn't make music until you turn it on. I always assumed everyone hated me and didn't want to take the time to get to know me. I had no reason to think that. I don't remember anyone flat out hating me. I'm sure not everyone loved me, but I have no memory of someone straight up despising me. Anyway, feeling like an ugly duckling in a lake full of beautiful swans is disheartening. I still feel this way sometimes. I've gotten better but I still have my days. I've had professors and friends describe me as "delicate" and "dainty," that too made me think of a music box. It's fragile but can be beautiful. I am a very fragile person and I do feel like I am beautiful sometimes. There are just a lot of emotions I've been feeling lately, especially about myself. 

I've realized more recently how much I love writing. And being able to put a drawing with something I wrote is magical. 

I love writing. I never realized how much I did until a couple months ago. I've been taking a speech class and having to get up in front of people and describe something releases emotions in me that I didn't know were possible. We've been doing a lot of analytical things, from analyzing poems to people. I never realized how much I loved using words to describe people. My voice often quivers when I speak in front of people but I love it. It scares the daylights out of me but I enjoy doing it. 

I've always felt urges to draw random people I see, just because their features are so striking. I always felt creepy doing that, afraid someone would flip through my sketchbook and see that I sketched them. I'm still afraid to do that. I am very enthralled by people. I love being able to "sculpt" (you could say) their face with just my hands. Shading the dimples in their cheeks or the sharpness of their cheekbones. I had a professor tell me that I had a "geeky love for skin," and as creepy as that sounds, it's true. I love faces. I love looking at people's faces. 

I always thought describing people and emotions with words would be too complicated. But it really isn't. I love writing about people. I love how I am able to write about someone and they may never know it's about them. Writing has released emotions in me that I didn't know were possible. I feel like that's why I've been in such a whirlwind of emotions lately. I'm feeling every emotion tenfold. 

I've been questioning a  lot of things lately. I'm unsure of where my life is going to go after college. I don't know what kind of job I want. I'm afraid I'm going to be single forever. I see so many people already planning out their lives and I feel a thousand miles behind everyone. All I know is that I love to draw. I love to write. And I want to do both for the rest of my life. 

Art Stress.

The past few months have been insanely exciting but also incredibly emotional. This year overall has been that way, actually. 

Adjusting to life after some things and events that stalled my life a bit hasn't been super easy. I'm thankful to have a wonderful God above who has kept a smile on my face and has held me through it all. I don't know what I'd do without him. 

From about May to September of this year, I kind of lost my motivation to draw and create. I never felt inspired to draw or write like I used to. I drew here and there but not on a regular basis. It's weird how not doing something as little as drawing or writing throws me off. 

Thankfully, I've started drawing and writing everyday again. Ddrawing and writing gives me substance. I feel better when I do it. It feels right. You know when you ace a test or see someone you haven't seen in a while? That weird mix of butterflies and relief that you feel during those situations is exactly how I feel when I draw. It's like my insides are screaming "yes! You did it! You are doing great!" 

It's still weird to me sometimes to think that drawing and art is what I'm studying. I'm in school for this. It's not just a little hobby anymore. I'm in school to try and make a living off of this. Instead of buying textbooks, I have to buy pencils and paper and all of these fun things. It's weird thinking that my school work is creating art. My professors encourage us to draw and create everyday. It went from being in high school and being told not to draw/doodle during class to "hey, some people need to doodle to pay attention, so it doesn't bother me." I've been in college for nearly two years now and it's still strange to me. Drawing a portrait in my free time isn't goofing off anymore, I'm sharpening my craft. This is what I want to do forever. 

That being said, even though I'm incredibly inspired and thankful I'm here, I still get down sometimes. I'm surrounded by so many people that are artists, too. So many beautiful, creative, inspiring people. I admire their work and am so inspired by them. They unknowingly push me to be a better artist. I love being around these people. But sometimes I let the thoughts of "you can never be better than them. They are so much more talented than you. You have no future" slip into my brain. I hate it. I need to soak up the talent of these people and be driven by that. I see the sparkle in their eye and I am so inspired by that sparkle. I want to have that sparkle. But it's hard sometimes to be surrounded by all these amazing and interesting people, yet I feel like I'm the exact opposite. 

I've recently let people's words get to me again. I did a project in Literature class one day and I included a portrait I drew that related to the project. My teacher loved it. She was so sweet and asked me to sign it for her. I felt happy until some guy in the back snickered, "why? Is it going to be worth something one day?" It ate at me. I don't even know why. I felt like I had been punched. I hated it mostly because it made me flashback to a troll on Tumblr who told me that they didn't believe I was in art school because my drawings weren't good. 

An anonymous internet troll and this random guy in class, I let them crawl under my skin and make me feel worthless and I hate it. I know not everyone will like my art. I am okay with that. The only thing that irritates me is when someone makes snarky comments or is just flat out rude about it. You know Jackson Pollock? He's an insanely popular artist. His work isn't my favorite, but I don't think it's terrible. Everyone has different reasons they make what they do, and I respect that. I wish people would give everyone that same respect. Art is usually connected with someone's emotions, so I reckon when I make something and am proud of it then someone tells me that "they don't believe I'm in art school" or whatever, it hurts.

These thoughts have been rampant in my mind recently, especially since I have to do BFA reviews next week to see if I get accepted into the Bachelor of Fine Arts program. Needless to say I'm insanely nervous. I'm really hoping I'll be accepted. I just wish I had more confidence in my craft. I love what I do. I love drawing. I just hate feeling like I'm still not good enough even after 10 years of drawing. I know it's just evil thoughts trying to bring me down, but it's still so hard to push through them sometimes. 

I don't understand my thoughts sometimes. I've accomplished a lot and it's weird that I still feel like I haven't done anything. 

I know God gave me this gift for a reason. I know he did because when I draw, I transport out of the present and calm down. I feel at peace and it just feels right. I can't imagine not drawing. I've been doing this for 10 years now. I know I must be in the right place. I just hope a feeling of "you are good at this, don't stop" comes soon. 

Little Feelings.

I’ve gone through a season of change recently. This year has definitely been one of the most emotionally draining, but instead of sitting around and crying about everything, I told myself I’d channel everything into something positive. God doesn’t put us through hard times to make us upset, we must learn from them and grow stronger in Him and as people. Here are a few “little feelings” I’ve been feeling lately.

You know when you get into a hot bath after a long day? Sit and feel how the water kisses you all over, making your skin tingle and it relaxes you. Or when you sit straight up and slowly glide your hand through the water. The strong yet gentle tug of the water on your hand. It’s weird how something as innocent looking as water is so strong. Then when you lean your head back against the wall and sweat drips down your forehead. It’s like, the water is so hot that you don’t even care. For some reason the sweat droplets running down your face feel like your old self falling away. It tickles and you smile. 

That feeling when you see your family members. See everyone’s faces light up and everyone hugging and all the joy that fills the room. Even though your family has gone through some of the darkest times and occasionally have disagreements. Once you see each other all that fizzles away and you are just happy to see them. That love conquers all the unpleasant feelings. 

When someone you love looks into your eyes and tells you that you’re beautiful. Someone who you’ve admired for so long. Someone who never really complimented you before. You can feel your cheeks turning red and all you can do is smile because you have no idea what else to do. They walk away and it feels like Hello Kitty came up to you and smacked you with glitter. 

That feeling when you can tell you’re connecting with someone. Like you can tell them anything and there won’t be judgement. Like, you don’t know where exactly everything is going to go but you’re just happy to know that you’ve found someone you can relate to. You can talk for days on end and the conversation never stops. You don’t have to hide anything and you can just be yourself. That feeling of freedom with someone you’ve grown close to is, well, freeing. 

Washing your face and putting on lotion and perfume. That feeling of cleanliness. That feeling of the lotion sinking into your sink and how days later you walk past a mirror and glance and notice how much better your skin looks. Spraying on a little perfume and then reaching up to fix your hair and smelling how the perfume blends with your skin. That feeling of loveliness. 

When you opt for water instead of the Cherry Pepsi. And noticing how your stomach doesn’t feel messed up. Knowing you’re doing something that is helping your body work better. But also knowing that it’s okay to drink a Pepsi and eat a cheeseburger sometimes, too. 

Slipping on a top that you’ve been gawking over for months. Looking in the mirror and liking what you see. How the straps glide perfectly over your shoulders and how it dips in your back. Where you’re showing enough skin to feel like a woman but not so much that you don’t feel like a lady. 

How the moles/birthmarks/spots that are on you are no longer annoying but feel like constellations all over you. Like each little bump and spot is from a specific time in your life. You can look down and laugh and remember where that scar came from, and reminisce to the time you were running and fell on top of a rock.  

Your memories of loved ones that have passed on are no longer sad. You remember the way they loved you and the way the thought of you. How they smiled at you when you were telling them a story or how you helped them when they weren’t able to do something. And now that feeling of emptiness you got when they left the world is now focused towards making sure you talk to everyone you love and being there for others, and not taking people for granted.

How you can finally look at that boy you thought you were in love with for so long, how you can look at him now and not feel upset. But feel okay knowing that even though that chapter in your life has closed, and you spent so much time wishing he’d just call you up, that none of that time was wasted because you needed that. You needed that slap in the face to know that all because he didn’t love you doesn’t mean you are unlovable. 

And after you forgot him you noticed someone looking at you. You are just sitting and talking with friends and you look up and he averts his eyes. He acts nervous when you come around. You can feel him staring at you even if he can’t see your face. It’s a weird feeling, but yet it makes you realize that there are other boys out there.   

Listening to music and letting it completely overtake you. Especially Sinatra. Hearing him sing those sweet words and just closing your eyes and fully taking in the words. Having little daydreams of life back in the days he was singing those songs. Daydreaming so far that when you snap out of it you don't remember where you are. Those are the types of moments I live for, when time seems to stand still. 

Driving through the mountains and looking at all the trees and clouds and rocks and all of this stuff that you don’t get to see all the time. Just staring out the window in awe. 

Going to the country and looking up at the sky. It’s completely black and all of the stars are super bright. You don’t get to see this in your hometown. You look up in complete disbelief. All of these little stars are there all the time, but you don’t usually pay attention/see them. You immediately begin trying to make shapes out of the stars.

When you start crying and can’t stop and someone comes up to you and gives you a hug and holds your hand. I never cried as hard as I did at my Grandaddy’s funeral. My cousin grabbed my hand. All of my family members hugged and kissed me and each other. It was a feeling of love and connection that I’ve never felt before. My heart still pounds thinking about the love in the room that day. 

That feeling when you face your fears. When you take a giant step into them and feel like your world is about to end but then realizing that it’s just the guy with red horns trying to take you down. You can sit and enjoy doing things because you know you are never alone. 

I’ve felt all of these little feelings in the past couple months. There are so much more but these are the ones on my mind right now. You can’t ignore these little feelings. 

And one of the most important feelings that I've felt over the past year is the feeling of self-love. Not a self-love that is narcissistic. I know if you google "narcissistic," "self-love" is listed as a synonym. It doesn't have to be a synonym. Self-love can be looking in the mirror and not wanting to cry. Looking in the mirror and saying "wow you look great today!" rather than "wow you are a cow." Self-love can be finally accepting yourself and loving the person you are becoming. Loving how you are finally able to wear your hair down without constantly worrying if someone is going to comment on how big it is. It's loving yourself enough to not be scared to go out in public wearing something you love. Self-love doesn't have to be a conceited obsession with oneself, it can be an accepting of oneself as you are and even though you know you have flaws, it's the way that you're made. God made you the way you are for a reason. Finally understanding that is what I think of as self-love. I've learned these past year is one of the most important things is to be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. 

Feel those feelings. Feel everything so fully that it makes your skin crawl. Love life. Even if times are hard just close your eyes and thank the Lord that he gave you another day. You've got this and you are never alone. 

Feel.