20 Years of Advice.

I've been roaming this Earth for 20 years now. I've been working on my overall mental and physical being for about a month now. It has definitely been challenging and oftentimes painful, but step by step I'm stomping through it. 

Despite all of the turbulence, I've never felt more like myself. I was sitting at my Grandma's house writing down some things in my journal, and a boatload of things came at me at once. I felt an urge to write this post, in hopes of helping someone else, but also in a hope of helping myself realize how wonderful life is despite the obstacles. 

I've compiled a list of 7 things that I've learned so far. I may add to this later, I want to get up to 20 if I can. But for right now, here are 7 things that may help you, they definitely helped me. 

1. Pray continually. I feel like this has often become a cliche. I always hear people say it. It's a wonderful thing to hear or tell someone, but until you really put action behind it, it will have no meaning. I'll be honest with you, I didn't understand exactly what this meant until this Lent season. Praying continually means that you are in a constant state of conversation with God. You don't have to sit, close your eyes then pray; it's just a constant mental awareness of God. I hope that makes sense. Say you wake up and say a prayer, you get ready for school and walk out the door. You look up at all the trees and the sun kissing your cheeks. You send God a simple thank you. Looking at His creation, which can be nature or even your friends. Saying thank you and being aware of the blessings He's given you will make your life much more worthwhile. 

2. "Slow down, you crazy child. Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while." The only way I knew to describe this one was with a lyric from the song "Vienna" by Billy Joel. Slow down! Take a breath. Look at your surroundings and be thankful. Everything doesn't have to be done right this second. Take a moment and clear your mind. I've had to do this so much recently. My mind would get so fogged and my de-froggers (as my family says) weren't working. The only thing that has helped was calmly telling myself to "slow down and breathe." Realize that life isn't spinning as fast as you think it is. Yes, I know there are deadlines in life that need to be met at a certain date, but know that it's vital for your health to just close your eyes and realize everything probably isn't as bad as you think it is. Our minds often over analyze things and expect the worst situation is going to happen, when in fact that rarely happens. Take a moment to yourself today, or tonight, or whenever you're reading this. And it helps to put your phone down and experience the beautiful moments in life that you will never be able to see behind a screen. I know it's hard to peel yourself away from your phone, but trust me. Breathtaking moments happen when you aren't staring at a glass screen. (Are computer screens glass or plastic? I don't know. That knowledge is up my dad and sister's alley.)

3. Music enhances everything. Listen to music whenever you can. I've read something online once how music enhances your life somehow, I'm no expert I'm just preaching from experience. Music gives me this miraculous feeling that makes my skin tingle. I love music. I love hearing the passion in people's voices when they sing. I love listening to these gorgeous words that spew from their mouths. Elton John is the best person to listen to when you walk around, especially if you have to walk to class in the rain. Everything moves in slow motion. One of my favorite lyrics of all time is from Elton John's "Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters" where he says, Until you've seen this trash can dream come true / You stand at the edge while people run you through / And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. Those words just send the most pleasant chill up my spine. This will segway into my next one, but before that here are some poets and musicians you should really look into: Toby Keith (writes all his own songs and has a voice like a warm biscuit with butter), Bernie Taupin (brilliant poet who wrote tons of songs with Elton John, including "Your Song"), Pablo Neruda (I recommend "Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines," you can hear his emotion and it's heartbreaking), Simon & Garfunkel (literally anything by them is great), Bob Dylan ("Buckets of Rain" is my personal favorite), Led Zeppelin, Chris Rice (Christian singer who is extremely underrated, he is worth a listen), R5, One Direction, and Keith Urban, just to name a few. These are from all different genres so hopefully you can find something you like. :)

Faceswap is terrifying. 

4. Love your friends. This sounds simple, kinda dumb even. Of course you should love your friends. But I'm saying you should love your friends to the extent that you are rooting for them in all that they do. Love your friends so much that they inspire you instead of make you jealous. I love my friends. More than they will ever know. All I want in life is for them to live a long, fulfilled, beautiful life, and I want them to know I am always there for them. I have a few childhood friends who have stuck with me since we were in elementary school. Those friends who know me inside and out and were there when I had bangs. (Which was a time in my life that I don't like to touch on. Those darn bangs.) Those friends who were there for me in those super formidable years. I love them to pieces. I know their families. I love them like my own. I went to college kind of lost because I feel like I didn't have a place. I feel like I belong somewhere now. I have a handful of pals who inspire me endlessly. I grew up loving art and drawing and didn't have anyone else to share that with, besides my art teachers. There was this little spark in me that just wanted to be surrounded by a community of accepting people who had that same spark. I found that group and I am overjoyed. I thank God for them everyday. I hope at least one of them will read this and realize that I do not take them for granted, and that I love y'all forever. 

5. You're still single? Yes, yes I am. I've been rowing my little boat stag for eight years now. And it's okay if you are, too. Growing up I never cared about dating. It didn't really affect me until my friends started dating and guys would ask me if my friends or sister were single, which made me feel really puny. I always felt overlooked. I talked to a couple guys in high school. Nothing ever came of any of those guys, except quite a few broken hearts, if I'm honest. And while I'm being honest, I'll confess a few more things. I'm sure I've included these in posts before, or maybe I've even told you in person. But I want to share these things in hopes that maybe if you are in the same situation, you will feel less alone. I've never been on a date. I've never had my first kiss. Heck, I've never held a guy's hand. I have fears that I'll never have any of these experiences. Often I feel like because I haven't had any of these experiences, I have this ridiculous internal fear that every guy that gets near me hates me. Due to my previous encounters I just assume that maybe I'm undateable, unattractive, or just all around screwed up in some way. But let me tell you, it's not true. As much as I'd love to have a boyfriend who I could have a good time with, maybe I'm not supposed to have a boyfriend right now. My worth does not come from a guy. Your worth does not come from a guy. I have a hard time believing this myself, but it's true. Being single doesn't mean you are unlovable. I could delve into this topic more, but I just want to leave it here. Your worth does not come from a boy. Just because you are 17, 20, or even 35 and are single doesn't mean you are screwed up. 

6. Find your happy. Take some time to be by yourself. This kind of correlates to #2. Find what makes you happy. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, do whatever it is that makes you happy. I write, I draw, I do yoga, I go thrift shopping, I sew, I watch YouTube videos, I dress up and take pictures, I make mood boards, I do things to make myself laugh. Find something that makes you feel so unapologetically yourself that all you can do is smile. Being joyful is so important. Explore those things that bring you joy and set up some me-time so you have time to do these things. 

7. Mental health is important. I have never been formally diagnosed with any type of mental illness, so I don't want to diagnose myself just from feelings I've had, because I am not sure if I even have a mental illness. But all I can say is that I have been through many instances in my life where I've hit rock bottom and feel like all hope was gone, I've had panic attacks, I struggle with a plethora of irrational fears that make me feel paralyzed, and for years I've struggled with detrimental self-deprecating thoughts. I would never wish these things on anyone, but thankfully these things have lessened over the years. The one thing that I've found that has helped me is to make sure my mind feels okay before I take on any large task. If I can't somewhat clear my mind, I don't perform well and will make choices I wouldn't normally make. It's easier said than done, but you have to find things that will give you a sense of calm, even for a second. Two things that have helped me are: 1. Praying. If I pray before I start any task, I feel like God's hand is on me. Due to me being human, of course all of my fears won't go away, but praying gives me the reassurance that God is holding my hands through whatever I'm going through and I'm going to be okay. 2. Breathing. I take slow, deep breaths. We had a tornado warning at school a few weeks ago, and my heart started thunderously beating. (Many of you who have known me since I was little probably know this, but I have an awful fear of tornadoes. Even hearing that there is a chance of tornadoes makes me feel like I'm going to die, which is not an overstatement in the slightest.) I was surrounded by people I didn't know and I just had to stand still and take deep breaths. The fear didn't completely go away, but slowing down by breathing helped me regain a sense of my surroundings and not to let the irrational fear control me. Praying and breathing often go hand in hand. Another breathing technique I do (that a lovely friend of mine told me) is breathing deeply, and imagining cool water being flushed through your whole body, taking all of the thoughts and other gunk with it as it leaves your body. You just have to find something that works for you! 

I hope to add more later as they come to mind! 

-Rachel xx 

A Love Letter.

This is a love letter. Not to a person. Not to a group. But to a little town that I never realized how much I loved until about 3:45 this afternoon. 

I was driving home from college, and I decided to drive by my old high school. I usually take a different route, but every once in a while I drive by the school just for a change of scenery. 

I turned off a back road, onto an even smaller back road. I drove past a couple barns and fields. Not really thinking much of anything. The CD I was listening to ended to I turned on the radio. "You're Gonna Miss This" by Trace Adkins was on. A smile instantly spread across my face. This song was used on our senior video and it always makes me feel nostalgic. I turned onto the road that my high school is on. I looked over at that brick building while Trace Adkins sang the chorus. You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. I wanted to stare longer. I continued driving and saw the middle school girls practicing softball. I drove a little further and saw the high school guys practice baseball. I saw the sidewalk that I hated for so many years because of all the times I had to run on it. And also the time that I fell down and I was so behind everyone that no one saw me and I had to finish my mile with a bloody knee. Everything started flooding back so fast. I pulled up to the stop sign and waited to pull out on the highway. I saw the train. That infamous train. I remembered all the times I had to sit and wait for that dang train to pass so I could go home. I saw stupidly big trucks with rebel flags adorning them. I thought of all the times we traveled on the highway to go to tennis practice and matches. I remembered my sister taking me and our friends home from school. These memories started flooding back so fast that if I wasn't driving, I probably would've burst into tears.

Greenbrier is my home. 

I remember how much I hated coming to school everyday because I felt like I lived the farthest from school than anybody I knew. It took me 15 minutes to get to school. It took everyone else about 5 minutes. That fact alone made me feel like an outsider. I remember when I got rezoned to White House. I remember getting the envelope in the mail giving me the choice between Greenbrier and White House. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to leave Greenbrier. 

Josh & I being the coolest kids in the world. 

Freshman year I remember seeing all these kids walking around the white halls. Everyone seemed so big and I was so freaked out. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I didn't know anybody. My sister was supposed to be here somewhere but I couldn't find her. I'm sure my face looked like someone just told me a secret I didn't want to hear. I was terrified. I wasn't the most social person. I joined a little group called SGA, mainly because my sister's best friend was in it and she asked me to join. I became a part of SGA. I credit those first 2 years in that organization for making me feel connected to high school. I felt like I was making a difference. I decorated for dances, we went on trips, I can't count how many times I laughed so hard that I cried. There were also plenty of stressful tears. I still think of the night I had to glue hundreds of tissue paper squares to a sheet of paper the length of a hallway, just for it to be thrown away because we didn't need it anymore. I have so many good memories from those years. I could write books about all of them. I still crack up thinking about some of the things that happened. And all of the bonds that were made those first two years I was in the organization. I miss it and the others that were in it every single day. I would still do anything for those people. There's a little piece of my heart with a collage of their faces on it. 

Winter Retreat Sophomore year, definitely a highlight.

Sophomore year was not a good year. I'll just say that now. I don't even like touching on it. I lost contact with a lot of friends due to things I couldn't control and didn't realize was going on. I felt really alone. I still had plenty of friends. I had people I could've talked to but I didn't. I kept to myself. I always told myself to stay true to myself, but I felt like I was the problem. Like, I was driving these people away. Who I am was what was wrong. I was emotionally drained and felt like my world was falling apart. My breaking point was one day at tennis practice when we were all joking around like usual but for some reason I took the jokes personally and started crying. I didn't know what was wrong. I felt like my life was going nowhere. I don't even know how these feelings started bubbling up. I was only 16. It was a dark time. I wouldn't wish that rock bottom feeling on anyone. Many of these feelings and worries bled into junior year. I started panicking about lots of things I had no control over. I'd hold it in as long as I could until I just burst into tears again. I remember it happened in the middle of class one day. We were having a party and I just couldn't clear my thoughts. My teacher took me outside to talk and I am forever thankful for that moment. It was one of the first times in high school I felt like a teacher truly cared about me and how I was feeling. Two of them did everything they could to make me feel better. They even prayed with me. I never knew the lengths a teacher would go to just to make sure I was okay. That was a big turning point in my life. Someone showing me so much love even though I was acting ridiculous was just, I can't explain the feeling. It was like God saying, "you are loved and you are going to be okay."

One of the best nights of my life.

I credit senior year to being the biggest turning point of my life. I can actually pinpoint the exact date. It's soon to be the 2 year anniversary of our class's Prom Fashion Show. We had to go to Dillard's to get dresses. I was nervous because I was with all of the "cool" girls and I felt like I was so below them on every single level. I had to walk around and smile in this dress. I didn't think anybody knew me. I went through most of high school feeling like I was a throwaway person. I was afraid that if I walked out everyone would be silent and wonder who I was. I stood backstage with all of those other girls in my grade. All of these levels of hierarchy that I had internalized fizzled away. All of these "cool" girls were nervous. They were all freaking out. We were like this little girl army who just wanted to do a good job. I didn't feel like a throwaway anymore. We were all one. I walked out to do my solo. People cheered. I was in shock. I looked at both sides of the stage and saw my classmates peeking their heads behind the curtain smiling. I have never in my life been in such a supportive group of individuals. We all were cheering each other on. It was such a beautiful experience.

I remember people saying, "I can't wait to get out of this stupid town." It's something we all seemed to say once junior year hit. We wanted to start lives and move on from the little town we all grew up in. I was guilty of saying it, too. I wanted to get out and experience something outside of this country upbringing that I was so used to. I wanted to move onto something bigger and better. 

Pure joy. Getting to walk with 2 of my childhood friends was such a blessing.

Graduation came. I walked behind the football field to go to my line. All the girls dressed in white gowns and the guys in green. Seeing all these faces that I've known since middle school, and then the ones that I've known since I was 5. I love all my Greenbrier friends, but I have a special place in my heart for my Watauga friends. We all kind of stuck together when we went to Greenbrier, even if we didn't stay close friends throughout our high school years. I felt this unspoken, "I still am here for you" thing between us. Thankfully, I got to stand in between two of these Watauga people. That moment will forever be my favorite memory from graduation. The commencement was over. We threw our caps to the sky.

It was all over. This crazy ride had ended. There was no more hearing Sorrells yell "Greenbrier High Scoooooo!" during pep rallies. No more screaming because there was a cockroach in the bathroom. (Still freaky, but I kinda miss it.) There were no more yearbooks. There were no more funnel cakes or cookie snowmen in cooking class. No more Friday night football games. No more staying after school late into the night to decorate for dances. No more pre-Sonic runs before tennis. No more having to get some senior guy to cut the lock someone accidentally put on your locker. There was no more Dickerson magic tricks. No more push-ups in Miranda's room. No more chicken nugget day. (This one makes me the saddest.) 

I had finally gotten what we always wished for, to "get out of this stupid town." I got to experience life somewhere else. I go to school an hour away from home. I am surrounded by the most beautiful, influential, diverse group of people I've ever been around. My world has opened up a lot since high school. Meeting people from different states and cities is exciting. Growing up knowing everyone around you is a comfort that is hard to get away from. It's taken me a couple years but I've gotten used to it. I love being where I am. I love the friends I've made. I could talk about my friends all day. They are all so beautiful and I try to tell them as much as I can. I advise you to do that, too. Let people now you love and appreciate them. That's something I never did in high school. I was afraid to tell people anything, especially how I felt towards them. 

That's one thing that was positive about leaving Greenbrier. My world view opened. I noticed how big the world was. I found who I was. I've felt truly happy for the first time in a long time. I've met so many influential people in college that have helped form me into who I am right now.

Leaving this little town I grew up in made me appreciate it more. I know there are still people in this town that I can go to if I need something, even if we haven't talked in a while. Like I mentioned before, there still seems to be this unspoken connection. 

I know this seems like a roundabout way of saying all of this. How is this a love letter? Well, without all of these things happening I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have known the care a teacher has for their students. I wouldn't have realized that high school cliques are just a cliche. I wouldn't have realized that sometimes people just need to grow apart for a while to grow back together. I realized how important it is to be yourself. This little town that often gets a bad rep and people always want to "get out of" is my home. There's a glow around this town that no other place I know has. It's warm. It's welcoming.

Once I turned down the little road, looked to the right, and saw that little brick building. I felt like it was telling me, "you are home, you will be alright." 

I love this little town, and always will. 

Poems.

In November of last year, I was sitting in my room one night and I got a blast of inspiration. I picked up an empty notebook I had and started writing down these words that poured into my mind. I've written 21 poems since that November day. My heart has been very full since then and also full of longing. I feel like I've been cursed with a heart that feels everything so completely. I tend to hurt easily but also am happy very easily. Some of these I wrote from experience, others were scenarios I made up.

I didn't pay attention to any poetry rules, so I know some of these might not make any sense at all, literary and grammatical wise. Regardless, they all came from my heart and I felt like I needed to share some of them with you. I wrote these all on impulse, which I discovered is an amazing release when my heart is overflowing. These aren't all of them, just a select few I feel comfortable sharing. I hope you enjoy these. I know they aren't all the happiest poems, but I wrote them during very emotional times in my life, many reflect that.


Holding / 11-11-15

Holding
onto the hope that I know is useless

Holding
those seconds that my world stopped

Holding
onto those thunderous heartbeats

Holding
the pencil for hours to create your beauty

Holding
onto wishing you'd notice me

Holding
the gaze that'll never be met

Holding
onto the hope that I know is useless
when I really just want to hold your hand

Like A Cement Block / 11-16-15

I woke up with clouded thoughts
I'm not sure if I slept through the night

It was one of those sleeps
where I closed my eyes and a second later I awoke

I prayed and prayed
I was thirsty for a minute of serene sleep

It felt like a cement block was encompassing me
I tried to extend my arms but go nowhere

I finally closed my eyes
the cement prison fizzled away

My heart finally got to sit still
then the alarm rang

Never Be / 12-2-15

I see you in dreams.
I draw you on paper.
I write about you.
It'll never be.

You are an inspiration. 
You always amaze me.
You are so talented.
It'll never be.

It's fun to imagine.
It seems like it'd be perfect.
It feels good.
It'll never be.

I'm a fool to think about it.
I'm dumb to believe it.
I'm so ridiculous. 
It'll never be. 

Hand Holding / 12-2-15

A simple action
it holds so much meaning
it's either the spontaneous grab
the protective grip
or the gradual embrace
maybe all three
I yearn for that feeling
the bubbly feeling slowly surfacing
then it all explodes
damp palms
too anxious to be held
yet constantly craving contact
as eyes wander
trying to find yours
my hands vacant in my lap
twirling silver bands
until my fingers burn
your hands, so lovely
crafted by Michelangelo himself
mine dull in comparison
the clock spins as I wait
my hands still looking for you
I twirl the silver bands
look over my shoulder
a warm presence encompasses me
my worn hands no longer vacant
the spaces between are filled
a gentle squeeze
a simple action
it holds so much meaning
it's all three

That Day / 12-7-15

I can imagine the day
I can see the moment
I set up my easels and charcoals
I sit on a tall stool
I put a stool out for you
I tell you where to look
I keep checking to see if it's right
I glide my charcoals across the page
I ignore the black snow falling
I ask you about your life
I study your curves with care
I hear you laugh
I capture that expression
I listen as I work
I am enthralled by your stories
I make a mistake
I know you won't notice
I take it away and start again
I continue to study as you talk
I make eye contact often
I catch that iridescent glimmer
I carve you out with care
I notice every stroke
I am still listening to you
I take a break
I continue to talk and listen 
I tell you about myself
I go back to work
I look at you with fresh eyes 
I try to position you back like before
I work until my hands ache
I work until I'm covered in dust
I look at you and smile 
I watch you get up and look
I soak in your expression
I sign my name 
I thank you tenfold 
(unfinished, I wanted to end this differently than that, but I couldn't think of anything.) 

Steak, Grits, & Biscuits / 12-11-15

Surrounded by the three I love most
I pulled up a chair
My eyes danced around the table
I put mountains of it on my plate
Unsure at first, but then content
I sliced it, dipped it, perfect!
Slowly absorbing the taste 
The conversation continued
But I suddenly heard none of it
My mind zeroed on my plate
Hundreds of memories flooded the room
My heart was shining like the sun
and as warm as the sunset
Millions of thoughts cleared
Only one thing was on my mind
I am exactly where I am supposed to be

Smile / 12-18-15

In front of everyone
I exposed my heart
Voice like water boiling
Slow, then excited
Trying to make eye contact
But repeatedly shying away
I continued revealing my heart
I saw you looking at me
The look on your face, I'll never forget
The boiling water overflowed
I didn't want to clean it up
You were still sitting there 
I said how I wished someone would look at me
like William looks at Penny Lane
It was almost as if it came true
No one has ever smiled at me like that
or looked at me like that
There I was exposing my heart 
and you there, looking at me
It was like I was Penny Lane
and you were William 


I know these may sound random or like a lovesick tween wrote them, but sometimes you just go through lovesick moments. Sometimes you crave something so much that you just have to write it out. I never really wanted to let anyone know I thought any of these things or put the thoughts into words, but I was looking at my little black notebook and I felt like I needed to set some of them free. 

If you read them, thank you. I appreciate taking the time to read the words that have engulfed my life so much that I could barely breathe. 

I hope you have a wonderful Sunday, and have an even better week.

Rachel xx

2015.

Whew. 
That's the first word that comes to mind when I think of 2015. It was a tumultuous year. Many great things happened, but there were some sad things that happened, too. 

This is the most emotional year I've had thus far. I lost my grandfather early this year, which was something I really wasn't expecting. I lost touch with some people that I never thought I'd lose touch with. My self confidence and belief in myself and other things in my life was slowly going down the drain all year, only to suck it back up in the last few months of 2015. 

Despite all of the things that happened this year that weren't so great, the incredible outpouring of love that I encountered outnumbered the negative things that happened. I never knew the amount of love and admiration I could feel for someone until this year. I never knew someone could love me and my family so much until this year. Through a lot of my tragedy came love and peacefulness. God has definitely been holding my hand all year, and I have been squeezing his hand especially tight these past few months. 

I have really come to know myself and love myself. I've been reflecting on this past year all week, and I noticed how much the people in my life have affected the way I view myself, and also how all of the people I've met have unknowingly built off one another and helped me in some way. 

Towards the beginning of the year, I was craving friendship and wanting someone to notice me. It was my second semester of my freshman year, and I really wanted to have tons of friends and be social. I've always been shy, so making friends is hard for me because I never know how to approach people. But you know what happened? Once my sophomore year started, I just told myself to be myself and not to worry what people thought of me. I did this and the most beautiful thing happened. I made friends. I was able to talk to people. People talked back to me. What was this weird science?! Being myself helps you relate to people better? Crazy. It was amazing. I have the greatest, most beautiful, inspiring friends now. I thank God for them everyday. I am in awe of them all of the time. I love watching them do the things they love. I love them so much. It's funny how once you just forget about trying to make friends and just let things roll is when you find the people you never knew you needed. That was definitely one of my biggest highlights of this year. 

I also want to just take a moment and thank one of my professors. Each one I've had has chipped away at my shell I encase myself in, and has helped me begin to blossom into who I want to be. There's one in particular that will always hold a special place in my heart. I love writing, but I always felt like I wasn't good at it. I had this killer English professor that I just adored. He always made me feel like I was capable of doing whatever I wanted and was so incredibly understanding, especially when my grandfather died. I remember telling him I would be missing some class because of the funeral, but I ended up coming back to class earlier than I thought. I came to class and just the look he gave me when he saw me sitting there. There was a lot of care in that look, something I never expected from a college professor. He told me that I didn't have to be there, I was just in shock. I am so thankful for him. I don't think he realizes how much he affected me. He's the reason I started gaining more confidence in myself and my writing. He also told me that I, excuse the language, "kicked ass" and that was the coolest thing anyone has ever said to me. I felt like I needed to go buy a leather jacket. 

We had a really big snowstorm this year. I know lots of people hated it but I was so excited by it. I love snow and cold weather. Class got canceled and we played out in the snow. I just love snow. LOVE snow. 

One of my pieces got picked to be in our school's annual student art exhibit. I was so pumped but in shock that they thought my piece was good enough to get in. My work had never been in a show and I didn't know what to expect. I was so intimidated and I'm sure I looked like a dog with my tail between my legs, but it was so incredibly exciting. And just a month or so ago, I got accepted into the BFA (Bachelor of Fine Arts) program, which was also nerve wracking. I had to sit in a room with all of the art professors and they were critiquing my work in front of me. It was scary but I learned so much. I'm so thankful for the experience and thankful that I am able to progress in my art career.

I saw Weird Al this year, I hadn't seen him since 2011. I don't even have to explain that one. I sat by a dude with a kilt on. It's an experience. 

David Spade has favorited my tweets six times now. The first time it happened I smiled like an absolute idiot. I'm just going to be blunt about this, if I was David Spade's age I would definitely be in line to date him. I adore that man.

And my apologies to Patrick Fugit, I've drawn him way too many times but he was kind enough to like each of them on Instagram. Even though an Instagram like really doesn't mean much, the fact that he saw something I worked on so hard means the world to me. 

I had the privilege to attend three beautiful weddings this year. Two of family members and one of a friend. So surreal to see us all old enough to even get married but absolutely gorgeous nonetheless. 

I also had the privilege to be in our church's annual Christmas play. I got to be the main character and I can only hope that I did her justice, because over the past few weeks I really grew to love her. She was a girl named Maria. I won't explain it well, so if you're curious listen to this song. It's "The Gift" by Garth Brooks, and it's what our play was based on. A wonderful, talented woman in our church wrote a play from it, and I am so thankful that I was able to be in it. I had been so worried about getting my lines and cues right, that I didn't appreciate the play and the song until the next Sunday at church. Our pianist played it and sang it during offering, and man, it hit me like a giant beautiful truck. I was so overcome with emotions. The whole story is just, awe-inspiring and I'm so happy that I was a part of it. 

One of my all time favorite moments of 2015 was Christmas Eve. On Christmas Eve, I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep (spoiler alert: I slept one hour and looked like a zombie all Christmas day because I had no sleep) and this overwhelming feeling came over me. I felt like God was sending me a message saying, "Everything is going to be okay. I sent my son here to save you. You are washed clean as snow." My heart overflowed. I cried and smiled and laughed at the same time. I had never felt something like that before. Everything that was burdening me all year was just gone. God had bagged it all up and took it away from me. My prayers that I had been praying all year were answered. 

I am so thankful for this year. I'm thankful for the rough patches, because it lead me to the rosy patches. I am so happy, and I am so ready for 2016.

I hope you had a great year, and I hope 2016 is even better. 

God bless and lots of love to you all, and see you in the new year!

Rachel xx 

You Are Amazing.

I took these pictures last night after I got out of the shower. I looked into the mirror and laughed at my raccoon eyes. I started thinking about how many times I used to look into the mirror and hate what I saw. I remember looking and being so disgusted. My nose was too big, my eyelashes were too short, my hair was too frizzy, my teeth were too small. The list got longer and longer. 

You know what I realized afterwards? It's been nearly a year since I've looked into the mirror and absolutely hated what I saw. I no longer look in the mirror and continually stare like I used to. That girl who used to cry if her hair looked bad was gone. 

I never realized how detrimental those thoughts and "I'm so ugly" comments were until they stopped. I never realized how being so self-deprecating could ruin beautiful memories in your life. I remember looking at old photos and not remembering anything about the moment that was captured except for how I looked. Memories are tarnished and are impossible to clean if your mind is full of these damaging thoughts. I am so glad that those constant thoughts are behind me. They occasionally creep in and tap me on the shoulder, but I stick my tongue out at them and go on with my day. 

I realized that being pretty didn't mean anything. Sure, you may get more dates or boyfriends. Maybe I'm not conventionally pretty. Maybe I'm not a bombshell. You know what? I am okay with that. I used to only care if guys liked me. I just wanted one to look me in the eyes and sincerely tell me I was beautiful. You know what? That hasn't happened. And you know what else? I'm perfectly okay with it.

I was told for years that no guy would like me until I liked myself first. I spent my whole first year of college liking myself. The funny thing about it is, I suddenly stopped caring what boys thought of me during this time. I started liking myself because of myself. I was no longer motivated by anything except for peacefulness and happiness. I just wanted to feel happy. I found this happiness. I found how to be truly happy. I've grown so much as a person this past year. I'm at a point in my life I never thought I'd be at. If you told me a year and a half ago to go out in public without makeup and my hair down, I would've probably started crying. Well guess what past self, you went out today with no makeup and your hair down, and you still got smiled at and people still talked to you. You were okay. And you will be okay.

You know what I realized in this time of growth? I'll list some of them below.

1. Writing poems is a good way to release feelings.
2. Getting lunch with someone is a lot more fun than getting lunch alone.
3. Your face is thankful that you aren't wearing makeup everyday.
4. Almost Famous lights a fire in me that I never knew was possible.
5. With a little dedication, you can accomplish what you set your mind to.
6. Instant hot chocolate tastes so much better with milk.
7. I forget the world exists while I'm in antique stores/thrift shops.
8. Mom jeans from the 90s fit your body much better than those low rise things.
9. You don't have a consistent jean size. Because jean sizes are kablooey. 
10. I can make macaroni and cheese.
11. I don't have many friends, but the few I do have mean more to me than anything in this whole world and I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I thank God everyday for you all. Like, I want to personally go to your door and give you a big bear hug. You have no idea how much you mean to me. 
12. You aren't going to suffer forever. 
13. Not everyone thinks hairless cats are cute.
14. Loving everyone does nothing but improve your life. 
15. Wear heels.
16. Compliment people.
17. You can dress like Penny Lane if you want to. (I just love Almost Famous, y'all.)
18. School work is important but don't let it define your life. Make time for friends and for schoolwork.
19. If it's not funny, don't feel obligated to laugh.
20. Dance whenever you see Christmas lights or hear Hotline Bling.
21. Stare at every dog or cat you see as long as you can.
22. Writing letters/poems to people even if they never know about it feels so good. (I get it now, Taylor Swift. I completely understand.)
23. Get mozzarella sticks and eat them in your car while pretending you're singing a duet with Toby Keith. 
24. Create art all the time. Draw what you want and anything that inspires you. Surround yourself with people who push you to be better in your art and as a person. 
25. Be unapologetically yourself. You will find people who appreciate you for who you are.

It took me nearly 20 years to learn all of this. Life is beautiful. There is more positive happening than negative. Tell your friends and family you love them. Draw pictures of someone you admire and send it to them. (Thank you Patrick Fugit for always liking my drawings of you, you make my heart happy.) Tell people thank you. Listen when others are talking to you. Give people compliments about their character rather than their appearance. Run in a field whenever you can. Take pictures and scrapbook them. Hug somebody. 

Whatever you do, don't ever look in a mirror and hate yourself. There are so many things inside you that make you a great person. When you look in the mirror, look for those things. And I promise you will be happy. 

Have a great night. I hope you have a duet with Toby Keith soon.

<3 Rachel 

You Are A Music Box.

Life has been a bit hectic lately. The only reason it's been hectic is because I make it hectic. My mind can be very cruel to me, excruciatingly cruel. Feeling an emptiness in the pit of your heart and not knowing how to fix it is hard. 

There are so many good things in my life. Amazing things, actually. I think the reason for all of my heartache is just me being selfish and wanting more. Wanting more of things I don't need. Wishing I had a boyfriend, more friends, more money, just more of things I don't need because I already have all I need. I realize that sometimes, especially when I'm drawing or writing.

There's a world I can create that distances my mind from the actual world. The stresses of everyday life and my cruel mind fizzle away when I draw or write. It's such a strange, magnificent feeling. 

I've been keeping a notebook for a couple weeks now. I've been filling it with poems that come to mind. I never thought in a million years I'd find so much release in writing poems. I've already written eleven of them. Most are a bit sad, but there are some happier ones. I wanted to share one with you that I wrote a couple nights ago, along with a quick self portrait I drew tonight.

You Are A Music Box

So much is going on
and you don't quite understand
but you are a music box
you are held in His hands

You think that you are tarnished
and you can't be cleaned

but you are a music box

He has all that you need

You feel that you are not cared about

and you have become invisible

but you are a music box

your music is irreplaceable

You feel misunderstood

and all you want to do is make people smile

but you are a music box

don't you know you are so worthwhile?

You feel so discouraged

and your winder is broken

but you are a music box

for your words are well spoken

My child, your music is beautiful

and without you life would be dull

You are a music box

you make my life full. 

Have you ever thought about a music box? I really hadn't. I feel like we take advantage of the beautiful music it makes and we don't sit and take the time to appreciate it. I feel like I can relate to that. Being shy, it's been hard for me to make a lot of friends. I keep to myself a lot until someone winds me up, like a music box. It doesn't make music until you turn it on. I always assumed everyone hated me and didn't want to take the time to get to know me. I had no reason to think that. I don't remember anyone flat out hating me. I'm sure not everyone loved me, but I have no memory of someone straight up despising me. Anyway, feeling like an ugly duckling in a lake full of beautiful swans is disheartening. I still feel this way sometimes. I've gotten better but I still have my days. I've had professors and friends describe me as "delicate" and "dainty," that too made me think of a music box. It's fragile but can be beautiful. I am a very fragile person and I do feel like I am beautiful sometimes. There are just a lot of emotions I've been feeling lately, especially about myself. 

I've realized more recently how much I love writing. And being able to put a drawing with something I wrote is magical. 

I love writing. I never realized how much I did until a couple months ago. I've been taking a speech class and having to get up in front of people and describe something releases emotions in me that I didn't know were possible. We've been doing a lot of analytical things, from analyzing poems to people. I never realized how much I loved using words to describe people. My voice often quivers when I speak in front of people but I love it. It scares the daylights out of me but I enjoy doing it. 

I've always felt urges to draw random people I see, just because their features are so striking. I always felt creepy doing that, afraid someone would flip through my sketchbook and see that I sketched them. I'm still afraid to do that. I am very enthralled by people. I love being able to "sculpt" (you could say) their face with just my hands. Shading the dimples in their cheeks or the sharpness of their cheekbones. I had a professor tell me that I had a "geeky love for skin," and as creepy as that sounds, it's true. I love faces. I love looking at people's faces. 

I always thought describing people and emotions with words would be too complicated. But it really isn't. I love writing about people. I love how I am able to write about someone and they may never know it's about them. Writing has released emotions in me that I didn't know were possible. I feel like that's why I've been in such a whirlwind of emotions lately. I'm feeling every emotion tenfold. 

I've been questioning a  lot of things lately. I'm unsure of where my life is going to go after college. I don't know what kind of job I want. I'm afraid I'm going to be single forever. I see so many people already planning out their lives and I feel a thousand miles behind everyone. All I know is that I love to draw. I love to write. And I want to do both for the rest of my life. 

Art Stress.

The past few months have been insanely exciting but also incredibly emotional. This year overall has been that way, actually. 

Adjusting to life after some things and events that stalled my life a bit hasn't been super easy. I'm thankful to have a wonderful God above who has kept a smile on my face and has held me through it all. I don't know what I'd do without him. 

From about May to September of this year, I kind of lost my motivation to draw and create. I never felt inspired to draw or write like I used to. I drew here and there but not on a regular basis. It's weird how not doing something as little as drawing or writing throws me off. 

Thankfully, I've started drawing and writing everyday again. Ddrawing and writing gives me substance. I feel better when I do it. It feels right. You know when you ace a test or see someone you haven't seen in a while? That weird mix of butterflies and relief that you feel during those situations is exactly how I feel when I draw. It's like my insides are screaming "yes! You did it! You are doing great!" 

It's still weird to me sometimes to think that drawing and art is what I'm studying. I'm in school for this. It's not just a little hobby anymore. I'm in school to try and make a living off of this. Instead of buying textbooks, I have to buy pencils and paper and all of these fun things. It's weird thinking that my school work is creating art. My professors encourage us to draw and create everyday. It went from being in high school and being told not to draw/doodle during class to "hey, some people need to doodle to pay attention, so it doesn't bother me." I've been in college for nearly two years now and it's still strange to me. Drawing a portrait in my free time isn't goofing off anymore, I'm sharpening my craft. This is what I want to do forever. 

That being said, even though I'm incredibly inspired and thankful I'm here, I still get down sometimes. I'm surrounded by so many people that are artists, too. So many beautiful, creative, inspiring people. I admire their work and am so inspired by them. They unknowingly push me to be a better artist. I love being around these people. But sometimes I let the thoughts of "you can never be better than them. They are so much more talented than you. You have no future" slip into my brain. I hate it. I need to soak up the talent of these people and be driven by that. I see the sparkle in their eye and I am so inspired by that sparkle. I want to have that sparkle. But it's hard sometimes to be surrounded by all these amazing and interesting people, yet I feel like I'm the exact opposite. 

I've recently let people's words get to me again. I did a project in Literature class one day and I included a portrait I drew that related to the project. My teacher loved it. She was so sweet and asked me to sign it for her. I felt happy until some guy in the back snickered, "why? Is it going to be worth something one day?" It ate at me. I don't even know why. I felt like I had been punched. I hated it mostly because it made me flashback to a troll on Tumblr who told me that they didn't believe I was in art school because my drawings weren't good. 

An anonymous internet troll and this random guy in class, I let them crawl under my skin and make me feel worthless and I hate it. I know not everyone will like my art. I am okay with that. The only thing that irritates me is when someone makes snarky comments or is just flat out rude about it. You know Jackson Pollock? He's an insanely popular artist. His work isn't my favorite, but I don't think it's terrible. Everyone has different reasons they make what they do, and I respect that. I wish people would give everyone that same respect. Art is usually connected with someone's emotions, so I reckon when I make something and am proud of it then someone tells me that "they don't believe I'm in art school" or whatever, it hurts.

These thoughts have been rampant in my mind recently, especially since I have to do BFA reviews next week to see if I get accepted into the Bachelor of Fine Arts program. Needless to say I'm insanely nervous. I'm really hoping I'll be accepted. I just wish I had more confidence in my craft. I love what I do. I love drawing. I just hate feeling like I'm still not good enough even after 10 years of drawing. I know it's just evil thoughts trying to bring me down, but it's still so hard to push through them sometimes. 

I don't understand my thoughts sometimes. I've accomplished a lot and it's weird that I still feel like I haven't done anything. 

I know God gave me this gift for a reason. I know he did because when I draw, I transport out of the present and calm down. I feel at peace and it just feels right. I can't imagine not drawing. I've been doing this for 10 years now. I know I must be in the right place. I just hope a feeling of "you are good at this, don't stop" comes soon.