The Summer of Love.

I've personally declared my summer the summer of love. Loving summer. Loving people. Loving things. Loving life. Just l o v i n g it all.

Recently I've come to the realization that I occupy too much of my time wondering if I could be doing something more, wondering if I am being a good enough person. I worry if the things I do and say will come off strange to others. I'm so tired of all this worrying and I'm learning to embrace all of the things about me that make me, me. I'm embracing the things that make me feel alive. 

In no particular order, here is a list of things that I love and make me feel alive. I plan to fill my summer with all of these things.

Clothes. Clothes. Clothes.
I am a Goodwill/Thrift/Antique store addict. I'm not even ashamed to admit it. Buying clothes from a normal store seems so foreign to me now. There's just something about thumbing through pre-loved clothes and then putting them on. It's like you're carrying on a tradition with people you don't even know. 

I found these clog-like heels from Cato and about died right there in the store. I went in there looking for something completely different and then I spotted these babies. I love Cato because they always have shoes in my size. Not everyone in the world is a dainty size 7! This girl needs 10s! Anywho, as soon as I slipped into these, they fit like a dream and I felt like a 70s dream queen. (Very lame reference, but hey, it's what I felt!) 

Cameras.

Ever since I finished my photography class I've become a camera hoarder. In class, we developed our own film and got to take some of the most amazing photos. The whole photographic process amazes me. When class ended and I had to give back my little 35mm camera my professor loaned us, I felt empty. I had to use this little gadget for months and now it's gone. I told myself I'd continue taking photos and thankfully with a little help from my mom, that little promise is continuing. My mom found a bunch of our old 35mm film cameras and gave them to me. (See, being a hoarder isn't always bad!) The only one of these cameras that I went out and bought was the pink Fujifilm Instax (pictured in the middle) and the rest were ones that were resting around my house that I revived with fresh batteries and film. I know we have our cellphones that we can take pictures with now, but it really isn't the same. Hearing an actual shutter click is so much more satisfying than that digitized sound my iPhone makes. Cameras and photos remind me of my childhood. I was always that creepy kid who secretly wanted to look through everyone's photo albums even if I didn't know who they were. I loved pictures of people and I loved cameras. To this day I just want to photograph people for sentimental reasons. 

If any of you are curious, the cameras pictured here are Minolta Maxxum 400si, Samsung SL605, Panorama (no other words listed on this camera haha!), Fujifilm Instax Mini 8, Olympus Camedia D-100, Kodak S Series S350, Kodak Instamatic X-15F, and Polaroid 470 AF. All are 35mm film except for the Samsung, Fujifilm, Olympus and Instamatic. 

Drawing.

A year ago if you told me I'd be primarily drawing in charcoals/conte crayons I'd laugh at you. I was so strict on only using pencil for the longest time. I had to use charcoal and conte for class and fell in love. I love drawing people. I love it so much. Love doesn't seem like a strong enough word for how I feel about it. I zone out when I draw people. If I'm stressed, I can draw and suddenly all of my stress is gone. I just rub the charcoal stick against the paper and blend until I realize I haven't come up for air in a while. I love drawing people and carving out their face with my hands. I've noticed that I mainly draw for therapeutic reasons. Most of the time I cuddle up in bed with my conte crayons and start drawing a face until my hands hurt. I used to never want to say that I was an artist, I always put the word "aspiring" in front of the word because I didn't feel worthy enough to be called an artist. I'm stopping that right now. I am an artist. I may not be making a living off my art but it's the one thing in my life that makes me feel like I have some kind of purpose. It's how I get emotion out and how I express my feelings towards people. I may not be a Albrecht Durer but the fire in our heart for our craft is the same. I thank God everyday he made me this way. 

Writing. 

It is so important to write. I let myself believe for the longest time that being a creative soul was something to be ashamed of. I hated that I wanted to write about people. I hated that I wanted to draw people. I didn't want to be pigeonholed as a portrait artist. But let me tell you, writing about people and drawing people makes me feel so alive. So alive. They are both silent messages that they'll never see, but knowing it's out in the open and not sitting in my head is an immense relief. I try to write every single day. I keep about five journals at a time, all for different things. One for my poems, one for poems/songs by others that inspire me, a dream journal, a Biblical journal, and a daily journal. I know that's excessive but it helps me organize my thoughts. I think it's important to let yourself create and write without putting up any barriers. I've written poems about people I saw for 30 seconds and never saw again. I write down my weird dreams about me hanging out with David Spade at my Granny's house. I write down the weirdly magical real life things that happen. (like winning Weird Al tickets today!) Don't inhibit yourself from creating. Even if they're just silly love poems you write in a journal and never look at again, let it out! 

Books.

I hated reading in school. I hated that we had to read books to earn points for a grade. I know it wasn't going to hinder us if we read a book, but ugh! I hated it so much. It wasn't until I went to college that I found myself reading for pleasure. Once no one was requiring me to read anything I started reading more. I plan to read bunches of books this summer. I am trying to find things to do outside of my phone. I've already finished one, Enter Whining by Fran Drescher. If you love The Nanny I recommend you read it. Another stupid thought of mine, I felt ashamed that all I ever wanted to read were biographies/autobiographies. As I'm getting older I'm realizing that I am endlessly fascinated by people, I draw people, I write about people, I love people. I've been this way my whole life. Even when I was a child and would cry if someone looked at me, I remember having a faint curiosity about people. Again, I'm learning to let myself be myself and accepting this. 

These are the ones I'm currently working on, I'm With the Band: Confessions of a Groupie by Pamela Des Barres - I cried reading this. Miss Pamela lived a lifestyle with no regrets and I've never encountered anyone with a mindset that as similar to mine as hers is. Like I said, I read the first few pages of this book and it was like she was reading my own thoughts. I want to meet her and shake her hand. I am so enthralled with her heart and love for life. I cried so hard. I love this book so much. It gets a bit explicit in parts (she was a groupie, after all, and is sparing no details) but it is so extremely interesting and if you are a music fan I would highly recommend it. I feel teary eyed thinking about it right now. 

The second is Just Kids by Patti Smith. I honestly have no idea what this book is about. It got good reviews on Amazon and I heard it was about her relationship with Robert Maplethorpe, an artist who I vividly remember and wanted to look more into. Again, I am curious about people and want to know more about their lives.

The third is Hold Still by Sally Mann. Sally is one of my all time favorite photographers and I am endlessly inspired by her. I've seen both her documentaries and thumbed through all of her photography books. My professor recommended this as a summer read and I am so thrilled to read about Mann's life. I'll probably cry reading this one, too. I'll keep you updated.

The fourth is a book I checked out from the library called All the Odes by Pablo Neruda. Neruda is one of my favorite poets. That man's use of words is magical. He describes the most mundane things and makes them sound beautiful. One of my all time favorite poems of his is "Tonight I Write the Saddest Lines." Please take the time to read it. He is so immensely talented and I am going to be so sad when I have to return this book to the library. 

The last is a Rolling Stone magazine/book from 1979 about the original Saturday Night Live cast that I found in a basket on the floor in an antique shop. I'm thumbing through it right now and I can already feel my tears swelling up. I feel like people often wonder why I feel such a strong connection to SNL. I honestly don't know. The only thing I can come to is that my dad used to tell me jokes as a kid that I thought he made up on his own, then when I discovered SNL I realized all the jokes he told me were some of Mike Myer's one-liners among others. I've also always wanted to be an actress and used to make up skits with my sister, so seeing adults jumping around like I did when I was a little girl is inspiring. I could go on for days, but I've already talked your ear off.

Music.

I think my record collection is going to be the closest thing I have to children until I actually have children. I would protect these little vinyl disks with my life. Music has always been important to me. I can't play any instruments and can't sing worth anything, but that doesn't stop me from belting out a tune in my car. I used to like music just for the beat, but recently I've been paying more attention to the words. I love how a song can make you feel emotions you didn't know were possible. I went to a free Keith Urban concert last month. He started singing a song called "Blue Ain't Your Color," and I found myself staring up at the sky smiling and thanking God I was alive. It's insane how music can make you do that. I had no control. There are so many types of music for so many different emotions and people. Isn't that amazing? An Elvis song just started playing on my Spotify as I am typing this and it changed my whole mood. How magical is that?! Music can speak when you can't. These people who you don't even know are going through the same thing as we are and are able to put it out into the world for us so we don't feel so alone. 

Water.

This may seem a little stupid, but honestly, water is seriously a magic drink. I am a hardcore Pepsi chugger, it's a comfort drink for me. I used to drink one a day when I was at school. I read Kate Hudson's Pretty Happy where she mentioned how important water is and how what you put into your body affects how you feel. I had heard this all my life but ignored it. I decided to not drink Pepsi for a week, then two weeks. I genuinely felt so much better. Every time I craved a Pepsi, I'd drink tea or water. I'd limit myself to one Pepsi a week. I notice I don't crave soft drinks as much as I used to. My body is always wanting water now. The other week I was practicing tennis for the first time in months and I had to stop playing because I felt dizzy. I hadn't been drinking water like I should have been. I hydrated the day and night before my tennis match the next day and didn't get dizzy at all. Isn't Earth's magic juice great? I can't drink water with tacos though. You definitely need something fizzy to wash down that five-layer burrito.  

 I hope you read something that inspired you, or atleast got to kill some time before you had to do something else. I'm pleased to help either way.

-Rachel xx

Trying to Find My "Penny Lane"

A couple months ago, I bought this jacket pictured above. It reminded me of Penny Lane's in the movie Almost Famous and my heart was telling me to get it. I bought it and then I put it on and just sat in my bed with it on for like three nights in a row. I love the darn thing so much. In those couple of moments I felt like Penny Lane, the somewhat nonfictional character in Cameron Crowe's 2000 movie. I was so drawn to her vulnerability and freedom with herself. I wanted to be that way and for a time I felt like I was. I started using the word as a synonym for peace and for myself. I felt like I was that girl who twirled around in the empty auditorium. I wasn't holding anything back and I felt like my full potential was released when I took a page out of Miss Penny Lane's book.

I felt this way until school got out and summer started. I feel like, hey it's summer, I should be stoked! But I'm not really that stoked. I'm incredibly happy school is out and I get a break, but I feel like some of my Penny Lane freedom escaped. I began worrying about everything again and feeling inadequate in myself and in my art. 

I applied for a few little retail jobs and am still waiting to hear something back. I've also spent the start of my summer cleaning out my room. It's some weird parallel world happening as I'm waiting for someone to call me back for a job while I'm sitting on my floor going through an old box of Barbies to donate. I picked up each of these little dolls and all my childhood memories started flooding back. All the afternoons that I would sit on my floor and spend hours setting up my Barbie houses and creating these scenarios in my head. I gave the Barbies a backstory and walked them through their whole lives. I had one Ken doll and he would always be the boyfriend of whatever Barbie I was playing with. I found my first Bratz doll, she still had my initials written on the back of her head and on her Tiffany blue platform shoes. I remembered my mom teaching us out to braid hair on that blonde Bratz doll. I started remembering how one of my friends got the sleepover Bratz doll and I was soooooo incredibly jealous. Ugh, I wanted that doll with the plush robe and eye mask. I still want her to this day. 

Then I snapped back to reality. I am twenty years old. I'm still sitting on my floor with my Barbies out in front of me. Still smiling and waiting to be played with. I'm an adult now. My Barbie playing days ended a long, long time ago. I miss when my only worry was being envious of my friend getting the cool Bratz doll for her birthday. Now, as I'm sitting criss-cross-applesauce on my floor, I'm worrying about getting a call back from a store I applied to work at over the summer. My Barbies are still in front of me, but they are now going into a bag for another little girl to play with. (I still kept a few of them, because I am a hoarder and as a twenty year old I still need my Ashley Tisdale and Hilary Duff Barbies.) 

Growing up just makes me sad, which makes me start worrying, which also makes me feel like I am unworthy of everything. Quite a crazy spiral, but unfortunately that's how my mind works. 

I start worrying about if I'm going to be able to succeed in life. I know I can draw well, but there are so many people who can draw even better. People who are famous for their artwork. They are so talented and crazy successful. I feel like I'm scum at the bottom of the fish bowl that someone forgot to clean out. Like, I'm just an outsider watching all of this go down. Once I get this way I get in art/creative slumps. I still draw and try to make things but my heart isn't in it. I start beating myself up and saying that there are so many people out there who are better than me. A lot of this started stirring up again when I was applying for scholarships based on my work and entering my work into shows. My work got accepted, which is an incredible honor, but I often feel like my work is overlooked by my fellow art majors. I know it's probably just in my head, but it's how I feel. I felt like my work often got skimmed over during class critiques, which would hurt sometimes because I just wanted to hear some kind of feedback, even if it was harsh. I just wanted someone to notice work I did which is probably an awful thing to say. Then again, I really have no right to say this because I rarely commented on anyone's work either, so I have no right to get upset since I always sat quiet in my seat. I feel like I'm talking in circles. 

I remember getting an anonymous message on Tumblr once after I had posted a five second doodle I had just done. The little gray shadow basically told me my work was not good and that they didn't believe I was actually in school for art. I never really thought the message hurt me, but it's been two years now and I realized that it did. To this day it still makes me mad. I feel like I've constantly tried to prove that little gray shadow wrong, which is incredibly stupid because it was probably some 12 year old kid eating Ritz in his room who knew nothing about art school. They probably don't even remember sending it, but I do. It's also a reason I rarely get on Tumblr anymore, that place is a breeding ground for cyber bullies. 

My insecurities have also come back full force. I find myself scrolling through Instagram feeds wishing I looked like these girls I see, perfectly posed with comments drooling over them. They have these perfect little bodies and perfect makeup. Then I look up at myself in the mirror and I'm wearing a Weird Al tshirt with a shiny forehead and curly hair sticking out about five inches from my head and crying from an episode of Saturday Night Live. These girls are wearing expensive brands I've never heard of with perfectly matte lipstick and "curly hair" (aka hair that is barely wavy but classified as "lol super curly") with a pressed Kale juice in their perfectly manicured hand. 

I also have realized lately how much I have not been out places. I can probably name the non-chain restaurants I've been to on one hand. I do not go out and socialize as much as I probably should. I feel like a lot of this comes from the internal belief that has always haunted me that no one likes me or wants to hangout with me, so I always did everything by myself. And honestly, I didn't realize this until now, I feel like that is why I am so attached to things from childhood. I spent countless hours alone in my room playing with my Barbies and acting out scenes from Lizzie Mcguire rather than going to sleepovers or out to eat with people. To this day I still carry some of that mentality. I still feel like no one really wants to hang out with me, so I stay in my room and write or watch movies. 

The funny thing is that deep down I know, oh goodness do I know! That I was made how I am for a purpose. I know God put this yearning in my heart to write and create, because the release and emotion I gain from it is like nothing I've ever experienced. I know I have talent. Other's talent does not disqualify my own. I have progressed as an artist and am talented enough to be successful, even if I don't place in exhibitions or win scholarships. It doesn't undermine my talent. I know I'm not ugly. Again, God made me this way. God put the curls in my hair and the oftentimes ungraceful-ness in my step. He made me overly-sentimental. He put so much love in my heart that sometimes it bugs me but most of the time I am thankful for it. I never realized how much I kick myself until recently. All throughout high school I didn't think of myself as the smartest person. I never made bad grades but I never saw myself as smart. I got to college and saw the grades I was making and it hit me, I feel so lame saying this but, I'm not an idiot. I have more in my old noggin than I realized. I used to just go with the flow and believe things other people said and didn't trust my own thoughts. But God gave me the ability to make my own decisions with his guidance and to not lean on what others are saying. God made me the way I am to fulfill a certain purpose for his kingdom. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I trust him and know that I will find out what it is one day. 

Ultimately, I believe the reason it's been hard to find my Penny Lane is that when I was feeling like Penny Lane, I was not worried about anything. I wasn't worried about what people thought of me. I wasn't worried what I looked like. I wasn't worried if I messed up. It was similar to a childlike state of thought, where I would just enjoy life. I would close my eyes and listen to music, or dance around my room with a CD on. I would wear my hair down and take my makeup off and feel just as beautiful as I did with it all on. If a problem arose, I would take a deep breath and pray that God would give me guidance to get through it. 

Even though I might not be playing with Barbies on my floor anymore, I can still find the same kind of imaginative, careless thoughts that I had back then. 

-Rachel xx

From the Heart of an Introverted Christian

This post has been floating around in my head for over a month now. Tonight is the first night that my heart was yelling, "WRITE THIS RACHEL, RIGHT NOW!" So while I'm in my apartment, snuggled up in bed listening to Savage Garden, I am finally going to write this post that I feel like is long overdue.

From the Heart of an Introverted Christian.

Very long title, but very fitting. 

I am nearing my junior year of college, which freaks me out. I'm halfway done. I'm halfway closer to being a full-fledged adult. This also freaks me out. Recently I've been focusing on how much that my religious beliefs have played a part in how I view the world and maybe how the world views me. I also realized what the definition for "introvert" means and I feel like that sums me up pretty well. If you put the both together, it's a bit of a strange combination, or so I've found. 

This is not meant to be a way of cyber-pointing of fingers. I really don't want any of this to sound like I'm trying to sound holier than thou, because I am faaaaaar from it. Super far. These are just things that have been sitting quietly on my heart for a very long time and I feel like it's time to tap them on the shoulder and set them free. 

This may be very long, and very scatterbrained. Buckle up.

Being a Christian is something I never questioned until I was a teenager. I was very lost. I grew up knowing Jesus and loving him and loving church. I liked going to church. But I reckon as I got older and started developing my own thoughts and beliefs, I began doubting. I was putting my thoughts and energy into things that weren't beneficial to me. Thankfully, it was nothing that harmed anyone or anything except for my own mental health. It was an internal battle that no one ever really knew was happening. I'm terribly good at keeping things to myself when it comes to myself, if that makes sense. I don't usually tell people if I'm mentally struggling, I feel like a burden if I do. During this time in my life I was feeling especially bogged down by detrimental thoughts. I've told this story in more detail in a previous blog, so I'll just sum it all up by saying that I basically had a complete mental breakdown because of these thoughts, one where I was crying for no reason and no one's words could help me. I hit rock bottom. Let me rephrase that, I slammed head first at 100,000,000mph to rock bottom. That's what it felt like, at least. Anyway, during these years I attended a church camp that changed me forever. Like a thief in the night, Jesus swooped in and saved me from those thoughts. For years I struggled with worrying about what people thought of me and if people liked me. I still struggle with this, but it was especially bad around the ages of 14-17. This one summer night during the church camp, I had another instance where I burst into tears and I didn't know why. To this day, I still don't know what made me start crying. All I remember is looking at the stage where the camp counselors were singing and then crying. If memory stands, I think one of my youth leaders walked me to the front to talk to my camp counselor. All I remember from that is him hugging me, asking what was wrong, and me bursting into more tears. But you know what was good about these tears? I did not feel hopeless. I did not hit rock bottom. Something had overtaken  me and the only thing my body could do was cry. Those tears washed away everything that I had been worried about. This time, I needed someone to be there to hug me while this happened. I needed to feel that support. I am still so thankful for that sweet camp counselor I had. He will never realize how much his words and embrace meant to me. 

About a month later I got baptized with my sister. I really wish it could be a happy memory, but I'll be honest with you, it wasn't. It should've been a day where I was completely immersed in the whole thing and been praising God with my whole heart. I knew I wanted to get baptized, I knew I was being called to do this. I was sure. I invited a bunch of my friends to come see this pivotal moment of my life. One of them showed up. A girl who I had just become friends with showed up with her mother, and I don't know if she even remembers this but if you do and you are reading this: I still thank God for you showing up that day. The one day I really wanted to be surrounded by friends and you showed up for me. Thank you. 

And you don't have to tell me that my friends were probably busy or tell me that's harsh for bringing up how hurt I was, because I already know both of these things. I know some of my friends were busy because they told me they weren't in town. I'm not mad at them for not showing up. I understand life gets in the way. It was just one of those moments in life where you envision being surrounded by your best friends and them hugging you, and it didn't happen for me. But that's completely okay. I'm only saying this because it's a part of my story. 

I held onto my religious beliefs throughout high school. I tripped here and there. We all do. Once I graduated, people told me to hold strong to my beliefs once I went to college because there were people out there who weren't believers. As much as I agreed with this statement and did hold onto my beliefs, it didn't come without bumps in the road. 

As most of you know I am an art major. Being an art major, I'm constantly surrounded by eccentric people who are very inspiring. I enjoyed being around them. I still do. A fire inside me ignites when I step into that cricket-y old building that non art majors are scared of. It took about a year, but eventually it felt like home. 

I never once asked someone in the art department what their religious beliefs were. It never occurred to me to ask. I didn't even think about it until someone asked me if any of my art friends were Christians. How was I supposed to know? I know as Christians, we're supposed to show his love through our actions. Was I supposed to see if they were nice? if they said God bless you when someone sneezed? I always had a problem with this. I do believe we should show Christ's love through our lives and actions. I try my best to do that everyday. But is it right for me to judge someone's mean words and assume they must not be a Christian? If expletives are flying out of their mouth, does that mean they aren't a Christian? I struggled with this and still do. I have been guilty of assuming people aren't Christians by their words or actions. I mean, if they know Christ they wouldn't curse or do drugs or drink or be gay, right? 

You will drive yourself crazy with these questions. I feel like these are questions that aren't my place to answer. I've had friends who drink. I've had friends who curse. I've had friends who are gay. I'm still friends with all these people I'm talking about. And you know what I've found? These people who so many other Christian's deem "bad" or "ungodly" are the very people who made me feel most comfortable and accepted. They are the ones I wanted to call up at night if I was feeling down. They are the ones who made me laugh. They brought joy to my life. I trust them. I love them. I have a hard time neglecting people who make me feel alive. And just because their lifestyles aren't like mine or I don't agree with everything they do (I don't do well around a large group drinking alcohol, I can't focus and start sweating and feeling like I'm going to have to drive everyone home, just a heads up :p ) doesn't make them bad people who aren't worthy of my friendship because they may not be Christians. And believe it or not, many of these people were Christians and loved the Lord very much. (And just to clarify, I am not against drinking or gay people. I don't want my words to be construed as that. I'm sure you already all know this but in case someone doesn't. I am against drugs though, I will put that out there. Don't do drugs, kids!) 

Just last week I was in my Women and Gender Studies class and two individuals blatantly told the class they were atheists. My heart broke. I wanted to tell them about Jesus. I wanted to tell them about how much he loved them and how fulfilled their lives would be if they let him into their heart. Of course I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them of the nights I was laying in bed crying and all of a sudden I felt overwhelming peace and I cried and whispered "thank you Jesus." I wanted to tell them how my life only has meaning because of Jesus. I wanted to so bad. I've been in class with these people for a whole semester now, I never really agreed with anything they said. I often felt attacked by them because I could tell they had contempt for Christianity. They never said anything directly to me, actually, whenever we got into a discussion they were always very respectable towards me and what I believed in. I never announced to the class I was a Christian, I like to think my actions show my beliefs. I mentioned church a few times, so I'm sure they put it together. What killed me about this whole situation was that I could tell that they didn't believe in Christianity because they had been deemed "bad" by the church or religious family members. I hate that. I hate that so much. I know several people who have left Christianity and the church because people won't accept them for who they are. I hate it because Christianity is about love. God is love. They're synonymous. We as Christians are called to love. If we are pushing out these "bad" people because they aren't following our rules of what we think is a Christian, how do we ever expect them to come back and find that love and eternal peace in the Lord? It makes me so incredibly sad. I just wish I could've possibly shown those people some type of love. My shyness prevents me from doing so most of the time. 

I struggle on a daily basis with this. I never want anyone to think of me or any other Christian as a crazy person who hates anything that doesn't love Jesus. Of course as Christians we want you to love Jesus. I would love for every breathing being on this Earth to love Jesus. He's brought me so much joy and love and he's the only reason my life has meaning. But if someone doesn't believe in Jesus, I don't believe it's wrong to be friends with them. I don't think it's bad if you fall in love with someone who doesn't know Jesus. I can already hear people's heads shaking at me at that statement, but I believe it. I don't like to share my beliefs sometimes because I never want it to feel like I'm shoving it down your throat or think I'm better than you. Because I do not want to shove anything down your throat and I do not think I am better than you, or anyone.

And I also wanted to say that just because someone isn't shouting Jesus' name from the rooftops every time you see them doesn't mean they don't love Jesus. I am very quiet with my relationship with Jesus. I am not ashamed of it, I will gladly talk to you about religion and Christ's love. I just think we should remember that some people are introverts, where we thrive off private one-on-one conversation and aren't comfortable in large groups. My relationship with Jesus is between me and him, no one else. You don't know how much the name Jesus shines as bright as a neon sign in someone's heart. 

I think all I'm trying to say is to have an open heart. Love everyone. That's what Christ called us here for. We aren't here to judge. I'm only here to love and show friendship and compassion to others. I know I'm very quiet and don't voice my opinions and beliefs too much, but I felt compelled to write this. I don't do it as wagging fingers or saying "look at me!" I only write this because over the past two years I've noticed this heavily in my life. I've noticed an absence of the love that I feel like we should be spreading. 

I hope you have a good night, and thank you for reading. 
-Rachel xx 

To the boy I'll never see again.

Last Fall, I took a speech class. Being the introvert I am, I always got super nervous when I had to stand up and talk about something for five minutes. I soon realized I did well if I talked about something that I was passionate about. I began picking topics that made me feel passionate so talking about them would flow easier. 

Portrait I did of Patrick Fugit, who plays William in Almost Famous. I didn't have a corresponding photo for this post, but I feel like this will suffice. :) 

As many of you know, Almost Famous is one of my favorite movies. We had a free speech one day, so I decided to talk about the movie. I had all of my points perfectly planned out. I was so confident in this speech. I got up in front of class and started talking. I have a hard time making eye contact with people when presenting projects or doing speeches. Soon I noticed my voice started quivering and I felt like I was going to cry. Then something unexpected happened...

This boy in the front row of my class, this boy I sat beside for half a semester, was looking at me with the most loving eyes I have ever seen. He had the biggest grin on his face. His light eyes were staring straight into my dark ones. I was in my most vulnerable state with all these unimpressed eyes staring at me. Then I look at him and he is grinning ear to ear. This was the last speech I had to make in class, and I had never looked at him before. I had made a comment in my speech about how all girls would love for a guy to look at her like William Miller looks at Penny Lane in Almost Famous. And for those few minutes I was talking, I felt like that boy in the front row was looking at me like I was Penny Lane. It was the most surreal feeling. 

I'm well aware that he probably smiled at every kid in the class like that, so that it was nothing special towards me. But that glimmering look gave me hope. It's hard to explain. The only way I've been able to is through poems. I wrote this one about him in February. I feel like Taylor Swift right now. But you know what? He made me feel like I mattered so I feel like he is worthy of writing about, even though I'll never see him again.

_____

To the boy I'll never see again 2-25-16

Recently I've thought of you
that look you gave me
3 long months ago

It all returned late one night
that look you gave me
3 long months ago

Someone like you
reminiscent in my dreams
but I know it's not you

So many chances!
ugh! so many chances
I threw them all away

Finally words left my lips
a laugh, a smile
then it was all over

I stood in front of him
close to tears
you were there

That smile, that smile!
made my skin dance
and the edges of my mouth curl

And I know it meant nothing
simply an innocent grin
but maybe more?

You made me feel protected
nothing would scratch me
because you were there

But what breaks me the most?
that I never took my chance
it was constantly presented

Despite all of this
I am thankful for you
Thankful for that sweet smile
those glimmering eyes
that looked in mine
even just for a second
I have never felt that much
in such a short moment
Thank you

_____



It's good for your heart to be vulnerable sometimes. I have a tender heart and feel things so fully that sometimes it isn't good, but other times it's what makes me feel alive. I'm thankful for this guy, and I'll probably never see him again but that's perfectly fine with me. The whole situation taught me so much, as dumb as that probably sounds. It's so important to pay attention to the people around you, and thank God for them, even if it is just a random guy in your speech class who smiled at you. 

-Rachel xx

Hey You, It Gets Better!

I'm sure that you've heard that phrase about a million times, so much so that it has lost meaning. But I want to tell you, it really does get better.

I just emerged from the most stressful, emotional week that I've had in an extremely long time. Tests to study for, photos to take for class, meetings to attend, homework to finish, and that was just the school work. I also think this was the clumsiest week I've ever had. I nearly ate floor in front of a group of people because I tripped on my dress. I tore up the toe of one of my shoes because I kept tripping over my own feet. My pants got soaked from the rain, then I sat down and opened a Sierra Mist and it exploded on my lap. Needless to say, it's been one of those weeks. 

Unfortunately, I've also shrunk back into my old ways of thinking; self-deprecating thoughts and doubts about my art and writing. I begin feeling inadequate and like I can't level up to everyone around me. I am embarrassed at the amount of times I look at other girls and wish I could look like them or be like them. 

I know I've probably beaten this topic into mush, but I feel like it's something that I need to hear again and maybe others do, too. 

I am not that girl anymore. 

If you've been reading my posts for a while or have known me since middle school, you know I struggled with my self image for years. (I wrote this back in 2014, which explains everything in more detail.) 

I remember when this picture was taken. I was so concerned about how I looked that day. I remember wearing clothes what I thought would make me look cool. (Not sure that Abercrombie hand-me-down did that, but hey they were cool back then.) I remember having fun on this day, but I remember equally how much I hated how I felt about myself and how I looked.

Flash forward 6 years, and then you get these pictures. Genuine smiles that aren't hiding anything. The top smile was posed because I was making a joke (I was super happy about those corndogs), but the bottom was completely candid. I was holding my phone up to take a picture of me and my dad and he made me laugh & I hit capture right at that moment. That girl is wearing no makeup and is genuinely happy. 

Looking through old pictures, I can truly see my body language change. I see myself go from stiff and timid to more open and joyful. 

Maybe it's just me, but I look at these pictures above and I can just see the pain I felt on my face. It's probably because in these pictures I remember feeling like I looked ugly, but I can just see it. (This throwback of Autumn and me, though. SO funny. So glad we're still friends after all these years!)

But when I look at these pictures from 2015, I feel like you can see the joy on my face. When I think of these moments, I think of how much I laughed. In the top, where Autumn told me I looked like Mona Lisa and I started laughing, and the bottom where my cousin Laura and I put on silly props and were laughing our heads off taking pictures. I see so much more joy in these. I can see the glimmer in my eye from being so purely happy that it was all I was thinking about. I don't see that glimmer in the top pictures. Thankfully, I am not that girl anymore. 

I'm not making this post to praise myself, far from it. I am proud of myself, but this new me came from above and surrounding myself with people who made me feel good about myself. I've preached this over and over, but it's so important to stay true to yourself. Those years I was so lost and confused, I could've gone done some crazy stuff in order to feel better about myself. But I didn't. Going out and getting wild is not me. I did have thoughts that maybe if I went out and did these things and acted a certain way that I would gain friends and that confidence that I always wanted. But through a lot of prayer and patience, I stayed true to myself. I kicked out those temptations and focused on what I needed to focus on, and to my surprise, the comfort and confidence I had been craving finally blossomed. 

I spent so many years hating myself and feeling like people hated me, and it held me back. It made me feel unworthy of everyone and everything. I still occasionally go back to this way of thinking. I did this week, and that's what inspired this post. I spent this last week feeling so unworthy, inadequate and ugly. Through all of this crud I was feeling, there were little glittering rocks smiling at me. My eyes opened to see the friends I had who cared so much for me. They encouraged me and gave me my hope back and made me laugh. I had a professor who listened to my opinions and made me feel like they were completely valid when I felt like my classmates disagreed. Random people on campus were doing the smallest but kindest things for me, like opening doors and just saying unexpected sweet things. Ultimately I realized that there are people out there that like me for who I am and not what I look like. I have friends now who make me feel completely loved and cared for and I could come into class looking like a buffoon and they wouldn't love me any less. All the moments in my life that made me truly happy were the times I wasn't caring about how I looked or how people thought of me. It was when I finally opened my eyes to all the lovely things happening outside of my mirror. 

Even though I'm not exactly where I want to be, I am not that girl anymore. It got better. I don't wake up every morning and cry because I feel ugly. I don't feel like I have to put pounds of makeup on everyday. I can wear my hair down and not feel like a troll doll. And I finally realized how much easier and freeing it is to have friends that make you feel so comfortable that you don't have to worry about looking good for them or worrying if they're judging you. 

I learned to love myself. Make sure you feel safe, secure, and mentally okay before you begin any big task. Drink some tea. Dance to Britney Spears when no one is watching. Listen to the music and watch the movies that make you feel like you matter, because you do. Looks aren't everything, the person underneath it all is what matters most. Slow down if you need to. Breathe. Thank God. And by golly, if you feel good about yourself, take them selfies. 

I'm not as confident as I wish I could be. But I am at a much better, more peaceful place than I have ever been in my life. And for that I am exceedingly thankful. Make sure you take care of yourself today. 

I'd like to end with the words of Queen Britney, "I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be." 

-Rachel xx 

My Blood Runs Deep.

Over spring break I found this box of old photos at my Grandma's house. I've looked through this box a handful of times without much thought. It's full of old photos of my Grandma, my mom and siblings, my cousins, and some of great-great relatives. 

While looking through the box this time, I found myself wanting to know more about these people. I wanted to know who they were and if they were related to me. I looked at them and asked myself who they looked like. I studied each picture in depth. I looked at the clothing, the hairstyles, and the expressions on the faces. 

Looking through these photographs made me realize how important family is. I've always believed family was important, but looking at pictures from the fifties and beyond solidified the fact that my blood runs deep. All of these people had unique backgrounds. They all had feelings and dreams. They probably laughed a lot and could tell great stories. I'm sad that I didn't get to meet a lot of these family members, but getting to see pictures of them and hearing my grandparents and parents tell me stories about them makes me feel like I did know them. 


I'd like to share a few of my favorites with you here, some of these are from my Grandma's old box of photos and some are some I've had for years. 

We can start with this one of me as a toddler. I ate Doritos and chocolate pudding together way too often. Thankfully I grew out of that flavor combination. And I'm thankful that my hair no longer looks like a combination of Zero from Holes and Nsync era Justin Timberlake.

Here's one of my favorite photos of my parents. This was on their wedding day in 1992. (I'm sure you can see where my curls come from!) My mom is the most loving, beautiful and subtly funny person. My dad is extremely caring, hysterical, and can make a mean sandwich. They still look exactly like this, not even kidding. I hope that the good skin gene will follow me into adulthood. 

My sweet Grandaddy. It's nearing a year since he passed away and I miss him every single day. He could always make our family laugh and was the best guy in the world. I miss hearing him say "there's Rachel!" to me and the rest of us as we walked into the living room. He did this for each cousin, saying "there's" and then their name. I know he's watching me from above and I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel. 

I don't have a photo of my great-grandparents, but I did find this photo of me at their house kicking a ball. That's my cousin Taylor behind me. I never met my great-grandparents, but I have fond memories of going to their house for reunions. I used to be so terrified of the house because there were moth balls everywhere and there was this one room that had a broken mirror in it that terrified me for some reason. 

This one is also from my great-grandparent's house. It's my cousin Bobby and me riding in a pink Barbie jeep that didn't belong to either of us. He's the only cousin I have who is the same age as me, so I feel like we got lumped together a lot. Which I don't mind, he's one of the funniest and most caring person that I know. He's now like two feet taller than me and neither of us could fit in this little car anymore.

Here's a baby me, my cousin Sarah, and Aunt Gail. I don't get to see them much since they live far from me, but every chance I get to see them I am thankful for. Sarah and Mendy (I don't have a picture with her at the moment) are the oldest cousins that I have, and for a few years were the only cousins I had on my mom's side. 

My beautiful Grandma. I love her more than she'll ever know. She's called me Doe Doe for as long as I can remember. I don't get to see her as much as I would like to, but whenever I get to see her it makes me so happy. She makes the best spaghetti and makes friends wherever she goes. 

I love this photo of my Grandma with her brothers and sisters, (my Grandma is in the striped dress). I was only able to meet four of them, but I love hearing stories about them. The ones I did know were always amazing. I remember my Uncle Melvin (second from right) scaring me as a child because he would do the most realistic dog bark every time I looked away. For years I thought he was hiding a dog in his house.

This is me and my big sister Mary enjoying some time in the sun. I'm thankful for her because she always let me hang out with her and her friends even though I'm sure I annoyed them half of the time. She's graduating college this year and I couldn't be more proud of her. I'm also way taller than her now, which always makes people think I'm the one graduating college while they think Mary is still in high school.

I'll leave with these two photos of all my cousins from my dad's side. The Prince kids. It's so weird looking back at these pictures now. Two of my cousins are married, four are in college, and the rest are starting their lives. I miss the days where we would play Survivor at Granny's and freaking out every time someone knocked down the shelf in the hallway. I'm thankful everyday that we all grew up close-knit. I know I can count on any of them if I ever need anything. 

I want people to realize how important it is to ask questions about your family if you have them. Learn about your history. Go to the family reunions even if it's awkward; eat you a hot dog and just listen to what everyone is saying. Dig through the old family photo albums. Visit your grandparents/family members as often as you can. Send them birthday cards or shoot them a text. It is so important to keep these blood lines strong. No one's family is perfect, mine sure isn't. We've all had bumps and fights and difficulties, but don't let those stand in the way of loving those crazy people that the good Lord gave you. 

-Rachel xx

20 Years of Advice.

I've been roaming this Earth for 20 years now. I've been working on my overall mental and physical being for about a month now. It has definitely been challenging and oftentimes painful, but step by step I'm stomping through it. 

Despite all of the turbulence, I've never felt more like myself. I was sitting at my Grandma's house writing down some things in my journal, and a boatload of things came at me at once. I felt an urge to write this post, in hopes of helping someone else, but also in a hope of helping myself realize how wonderful life is despite the obstacles. 

I've compiled a list of 7 things that I've learned so far. I may add to this later, I want to get up to 20 if I can. But for right now, here are 7 things that may help you, they definitely helped me. 

1. Pray continually. I feel like this has often become a cliche. I always hear people say it. It's a wonderful thing to hear or tell someone, but until you really put action behind it, it will have no meaning. I'll be honest with you, I didn't understand exactly what this meant until this Lent season. Praying continually means that you are in a constant state of conversation with God. You don't have to sit, close your eyes then pray; it's just a constant mental awareness of God. I hope that makes sense. Say you wake up and say a prayer, you get ready for school and walk out the door. You look up at all the trees and the sun kissing your cheeks. You send God a simple thank you. Looking at His creation, which can be nature or even your friends. Saying thank you and being aware of the blessings He's given you will make your life much more worthwhile. 

2. "Slow down, you crazy child. Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while." The only way I knew to describe this one was with a lyric from the song "Vienna" by Billy Joel. Slow down! Take a breath. Look at your surroundings and be thankful. Everything doesn't have to be done right this second. Take a moment and clear your mind. I've had to do this so much recently. My mind would get so fogged and my de-froggers (as my family says) weren't working. The only thing that has helped was calmly telling myself to "slow down and breathe." Realize that life isn't spinning as fast as you think it is. Yes, I know there are deadlines in life that need to be met at a certain date, but know that it's vital for your health to just close your eyes and realize everything probably isn't as bad as you think it is. Our minds often over analyze things and expect the worst situation is going to happen, when in fact that rarely happens. Take a moment to yourself today, or tonight, or whenever you're reading this. And it helps to put your phone down and experience the beautiful moments in life that you will never be able to see behind a screen. I know it's hard to peel yourself away from your phone, but trust me. Breathtaking moments happen when you aren't staring at a glass screen. (Are computer screens glass or plastic? I don't know. That knowledge is up my dad and sister's alley.)

3. Music enhances everything. Listen to music whenever you can. I've read something online once how music enhances your life somehow, I'm no expert I'm just preaching from experience. Music gives me this miraculous feeling that makes my skin tingle. I love music. I love hearing the passion in people's voices when they sing. I love listening to these gorgeous words that spew from their mouths. Elton John is the best person to listen to when you walk around, especially if you have to walk to class in the rain. Everything moves in slow motion. One of my favorite lyrics of all time is from Elton John's "Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters" where he says, Until you've seen this trash can dream come true / You stand at the edge while people run you through / And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you. Those words just send the most pleasant chill up my spine. This will segway into my next one, but before that here are some poets and musicians you should really look into: Toby Keith (writes all his own songs and has a voice like a warm biscuit with butter), Bernie Taupin (brilliant poet who wrote tons of songs with Elton John, including "Your Song"), Pablo Neruda (I recommend "Tonight I Can Write the Saddest Lines," you can hear his emotion and it's heartbreaking), Simon & Garfunkel (literally anything by them is great), Bob Dylan ("Buckets of Rain" is my personal favorite), Led Zeppelin, Chris Rice (Christian singer who is extremely underrated, he is worth a listen), R5, One Direction, and Keith Urban, just to name a few. These are from all different genres so hopefully you can find something you like. :)

Faceswap is terrifying. 

4. Love your friends. This sounds simple, kinda dumb even. Of course you should love your friends. But I'm saying you should love your friends to the extent that you are rooting for them in all that they do. Love your friends so much that they inspire you instead of make you jealous. I love my friends. More than they will ever know. All I want in life is for them to live a long, fulfilled, beautiful life, and I want them to know I am always there for them. I have a few childhood friends who have stuck with me since we were in elementary school. Those friends who know me inside and out and were there when I had bangs. (Which was a time in my life that I don't like to touch on. Those darn bangs.) Those friends who were there for me in those super formidable years. I love them to pieces. I know their families. I love them like my own. I went to college kind of lost because I feel like I didn't have a place. I feel like I belong somewhere now. I have a handful of pals who inspire me endlessly. I grew up loving art and drawing and didn't have anyone else to share that with, besides my art teachers. There was this little spark in me that just wanted to be surrounded by a community of accepting people who had that same spark. I found that group and I am overjoyed. I thank God for them everyday. I hope at least one of them will read this and realize that I do not take them for granted, and that I love y'all forever. 

5. You're still single? Yes, yes I am. I've been rowing my little boat stag for eight years now. And it's okay if you are, too. Growing up I never cared about dating. It didn't really affect me until my friends started dating and guys would ask me if my friends or sister were single, which made me feel really puny. I always felt overlooked. I talked to a couple guys in high school. Nothing ever came of any of those guys, except quite a few broken hearts, if I'm honest. And while I'm being honest, I'll confess a few more things. I'm sure I've included these in posts before, or maybe I've even told you in person. But I want to share these things in hopes that maybe if you are in the same situation, you will feel less alone. I've never been on a date. I've never had my first kiss. Heck, I've never held a guy's hand. I have fears that I'll never have any of these experiences. Often I feel like because I haven't had any of these experiences, I have this ridiculous internal fear that every guy that gets near me hates me. Due to my previous encounters I just assume that maybe I'm undateable, unattractive, or just all around screwed up in some way. But let me tell you, it's not true. As much as I'd love to have a boyfriend who I could have a good time with, maybe I'm not supposed to have a boyfriend right now. My worth does not come from a guy. Your worth does not come from a guy. I have a hard time believing this myself, but it's true. Being single doesn't mean you are unlovable. I could delve into this topic more, but I just want to leave it here. Your worth does not come from a boy. Just because you are 17, 20, or even 35 and are single doesn't mean you are screwed up. 

6. Find your happy. Take some time to be by yourself. This kind of correlates to #2. Find what makes you happy. As long as you aren't hurting anyone, do whatever it is that makes you happy. I write, I draw, I do yoga, I go thrift shopping, I sew, I watch YouTube videos, I dress up and take pictures, I make mood boards, I do things to make myself laugh. Find something that makes you feel so unapologetically yourself that all you can do is smile. Being joyful is so important. Explore those things that bring you joy and set up some me-time so you have time to do these things. 

7. Mental health is important. I have never been formally diagnosed with any type of mental illness, so I don't want to diagnose myself just from feelings I've had, because I am not sure if I even have a mental illness. But all I can say is that I have been through many instances in my life where I've hit rock bottom and feel like all hope was gone, I've had panic attacks, I struggle with a plethora of irrational fears that make me feel paralyzed, and for years I've struggled with detrimental self-deprecating thoughts. I would never wish these things on anyone, but thankfully these things have lessened over the years. The one thing that I've found that has helped me is to make sure my mind feels okay before I take on any large task. If I can't somewhat clear my mind, I don't perform well and will make choices I wouldn't normally make. It's easier said than done, but you have to find things that will give you a sense of calm, even for a second. Two things that have helped me are: 1. Praying. If I pray before I start any task, I feel like God's hand is on me. Due to me being human, of course all of my fears won't go away, but praying gives me the reassurance that God is holding my hands through whatever I'm going through and I'm going to be okay. 2. Breathing. I take slow, deep breaths. We had a tornado warning at school a few weeks ago, and my heart started thunderously beating. (Many of you who have known me since I was little probably know this, but I have an awful fear of tornadoes. Even hearing that there is a chance of tornadoes makes me feel like I'm going to die, which is not an overstatement in the slightest.) I was surrounded by people I didn't know and I just had to stand still and take deep breaths. The fear didn't completely go away, but slowing down by breathing helped me regain a sense of my surroundings and not to let the irrational fear control me. Praying and breathing often go hand in hand. Another breathing technique I do (that a lovely friend of mine told me) is breathing deeply, and imagining cool water being flushed through your whole body, taking all of the thoughts and other gunk with it as it leaves your body. You just have to find something that works for you! 

I hope to add more later as they come to mind! 

-Rachel xx