Acceptance.

2017 has been strange so far. Strange in good ways and in bad. The first few days of the year were exciting; I felt very hopeful for the new year and saw Keith Urban at the mall (still not over this). A couple days later, my Granny had a major heart attack and she was in the hospital for two weeks. Everything felt so serious and I was worried all of the time. When I get worried about one thing, a thousand other things came out of nowhere and burden me even harder. By the grace of God my Granny pulled through the endless days in the hospital, but I never seemed to be able to pull through my own crippling thoughts.

School started back up. I felt very positive at first, I was having a few anxiety-ridden thoughts. I wasn't unhappy but I felt displaced from reality. There was a lot going on in my mind and I was having a hard time focusing on one thing. Overall, I was consumed with negative thoughts. I had my moments of joy and positivity, but the negativity seemed to constantly consume me.

My family and a few friends encouraged me to go to counseling. I had thought of it before, but then I'd have good days so I thought I didn't need it. I forgot about it until I'd have another bad day and felt I had no one to talk to. I came back from class on one of those bad days and called the counseling office. A wave of comfort came over me. Soon I was seeing a counselor who helped calm a lot of these thoughts. I finally felt secure in myself, but recently I've felt as if I've fallen off the wagon again. 

I've found that I am too easily consumed with other people. I want everyone I meet to like me and I never want to make anyone upset. I like helping people and I want others to be happy. This all sounds like it isn't bad, but I've found that sometimes I am so engulfed in this that I don't take care of myself. I'm not really sure how to explain this, but if you do the same thing then you'll understand. Being so fascinated with people, I often lose myself and don't really know who I am or what I'm doing while I'm in that mindset. This has been one of the hardest things for me to overcome. I'm still working on it. I love helping people and love being there for people, but I've had to realize recently that I can't do that 24/7. I can't be there for people if they aren't there for me. I'm trying to learn to stop putting energy into people who clearly don't care about me. It's all hard. Because if someone doesn't like me, I want to know why. I want to fix it. But I can't fix other people's thoughts. I know who I am and need to stand firm in that.

I didn't realize how hard it is to find things that make me purely happy that don't make me feel selfish doing them. I think the last paragraph goes hand in hand with this. If I'm doing something that makes me feel good, I automatically think that I'm being selfish and I need to be doing something for someone else. It's hard for me not to do that. It's hard to explain. I'm trying to find things that make me feel good and realizing that they aren't selfish things. It isn't selfish to do things for yourself. It's just funny, because if other people are taking a break and doing something for themselves, I don't see it as selfish on their part. I see it as well-deserved. If I do it, I see it as selfish. I'm working on it, it hasn't been easy, but I'm working on it. I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I am a good person, even though my mind makes me think otherwise. 

I think I also need to realize that my happiness shouldn't depend on other people. I can't source my happiness from someone else's. Again, this is a struggle for me since I rely so heavily on others for inspiration and companionship. I love people. I may be quiet and reserved in person, but I adore people. I am so fascinated by them. I'm that weird friend who would be thrilled to go through your old family albums. I will memorize people's facial features and pull inspiration from them in my art. I love it. But I have had to learn recently that I need to find fulfillment from within myself instead of always searching for it in others. I know it isn't bad to source this type of inspiration, but I am learning that 100% of my happiness can't come from others. Again, I feel like I'm making no sense. I hope at least one person understands what I'm saying.

On a religious standpoint, it's been difficult for me recently to stand firm in my faith in God. As an art major, I'm surrounded by people of all different walks of life and backgrounds. I thrive in that environment, but often I feel like an outcast. I know much of it comes from my own turmoil within myself, and I need to work on that. I was sitting in class one night and heard multiple people talk about how they weren't religious or that they don't believe in God. As much as I don't understand that, I realize that not everyone had the upbringing I did. Not everyone is religious. I am religious. The thing I struggle with is feeling like I am a bad Christian since I'm not turning everyone else into a Christian and being "lenient' on my views, you could say. Yes, it hurt me knowing these people didn't know God, but I accepted it. I didn't feel like in that moment I needed to toss a Bible at them. The way they treat me, with so much love and acceptance, I feel like they know some sort of higher power, maybe they don't label it as God or a religion but something inside them is moving them. Maybe that's why I'm not bothered when they tell me they aren't religious. They're showing me the love and acceptance I hope I am showing to them. They may curse and do things I don't agree with, but I don't condemn them. I do things regarding my beliefs I know they don't agree with, but they don't condemn me. Strangely enough, they've shown me more love and compassion than some of the people who I share a faith with. I don't have it in me to neglect anyone because of differing views. I feel like this makes me feel I'm a bad Christian because I feel like I've had Christian friends look down on me for my not-so-conservative views. But I don't think they're bad for having stronger views than I do even if we're in the same faith. I guess in my sometimes hippy-dippy mindset, I just feel like we should love everyone. I don't care who you worship. I don't care who you love. God is love and I am called here to love people. (Sometimes I feel like God put too much love in my heart, half the time I am so overwhelmed by it I don't know what to do. Often to the point I am crying in the car about how someone showed me kindness, ha!)

I have learned that acceptance has to come from within. I'm embarrassed at the amount of times I've found myself looking to someone else to find some sort of validation. Either in the form of a text or a Instagram like, I'm so tired of feeling like that's the only way I can feel loved. I've found love is more three-dimensional than that. It comes from the kind words I received during my critique last week, it comes from realizing how much an old friend meant to you and how blessed you are that they're back in your life, it comes from the watching my Grandpa lovingly look at my mom while she talks, it comes from picking strawberries and smelling them in the spring breeze, it comes from seeing my Grandma provide a safe place for new family to stay, it comes from an embrace in church asking how you're doing, it comes from letting music flow through your veins, it comes from looking at old jewelry in an antique store. I know this phrase is overused, but it's the little things that mean the most. The little things that, in my case, do not involve technology. 

I'm also learning that the things I like to do and the person I am aren't weird or stupid. My counselor tells me almost every visit, "You are Rachel." As simple as that sounds, it grounds me. I know who I am, even if other people don't. I know what I like and I know the type of person I am. I am Rachel, and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a human and I'm learning everyday. 

I am working on myself, I'm still in the middle of counseling and am hopeful I will be as close to carefree as I can be soon. I still want to help others. I still want to make people happy. But I really need to focus on my own happiness for a while. I know I've tried this many times before and I've failed. But tomorrow is a brand new day. 

-Rachel xx

"Those Liberals Are Idiots!"

"Not Defeated" painted by me, 2016
Quotes are from things people have said to me in the past that I felt were belittling, but a couple were just added for a little humor. (Parrot Beak & Girl in Stupid Denim Jackets are the humorous ones)

This hatred spewing left and right in this country needs to stop. I'm not even talking about who was or who wasn't elected president. I'm talking about us. The people living in this country who seem to find so much joy in shouting our opinions at everyone in a forceful, degrading way. 

Logging onto any social media I have this week has been like a dagger in my heart. I've seen so many lovely things that I try to focus on, but the hateful posts I've seen interlaced between the lovely ones are constantly invading my thoughts. 

What really hurts is that people I love and respect are the ones posting things that are hurtful. They are posting things that feel like I stab at my beliefs and opinions. I understand we all have a right to our own opinions and beliefs, because that's what I'm putting out right now by typing this, but there is a way to express what you believe in without sounding hateful. 

I am going to try to express what I believe clearly, here's to hoping I'm successful. 

This Woman's March that happened yesterday that you're insulting, was one of the most liberating things I've seen in my 20 years on this Earth. To see women standing up for their rights and rights of women and human beings around the world, is so beautiful. Peaceful protesting. Peacefully sharing beliefs. (I will say, I was not fond of the signs with vulgar language, but not everyone is the same as me and that's how they felt it would best fit, I'm not arguing with it.) I've seen posts saying that "women aren't treated different as men, why do they need to march." Take a second and read this, it's a blog post by my sister which explains exactly why a woman's march was needed. I understand it's hard to relate to the statement that "women don't have the same rights as men." If you have never personally experienced discrimination because of your gender, then I am so happy for you and hope you never face any discrimination. But realize that there are women out there who face it, almost daily. Strong, beautiful, smart, outstanding, thoughtful women who are looked down on because they are a woman. I've seen it happen to many women that I love. I've heard stories of women who have been taken advantage of because they were seen as "inferior." I've seen their tears. I've cried with them. I've walked home after hearing stories feeling like my heart had been ripped out. I have stood in a room surrounded by tshirts that were scribbled with statements from women who were sexually assaulted and so many other horrific things, because they were seen as objects rather than humans. I stood in that room unable to speak reading the horrific things that happened to women. Women that I was surrounded by every single day. (If you've never heard of it, look into the Clothesline Project, it's extremely moving.) I've been discriminated against. I walked into high school one day, completely covered from head to toe in black (no reason, my outfit was just completely black that day, ha!) and I got pulled into the principal's office because my tights were too sheer and my knees would "distract male students from learning." My KNEES. I had OPAQUE BLACK TIGHTS ON that only showed a peek at my skin color when I was seated in a chair with my knees underneath a desk. I had to sit in the principal's office for nearly 35 minutes because my appearance (again, MY KNEES!!!!) may distract males from learning. Why did we need a Woman's March? Because it's getting old that women are being blamed for a man's inability to act because of what we are wearing. Because women are not inferior to men. Because that little girl sitting in class doodling in her notebook can grow up in a world knowing that her gender does not define what she is capable of. (And I want to clarify my belief on this topic: I did hear about the discord among the Pro-Life community and how they felt they weren't well represented at the March due to being removed as a partner. I understand how that must've been frustrating and I do believe it's wrong to not allow a Pro-Life group as a partner. But I also want to say that I have followed news of the march and have not heard any stories about Pro-Life marchers at the March who were outright disrespected by other marchers who had differing views. Read this if you think I just made this up. And I also want to clarify that I don't consider myself Pro-Life, but that doesn't mean that I believe abortions are right, either. I believe the woman should have the choice of what she can do to her body.) 

I also have seen posts about how "I am not a feminist because I want to marry, I want my husband to be the leader of the house, and have kids." YOU CAN STILL HAVE ALL THOSE THINGS AND BE A FEMINIST. The Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines feminism as: 
:  the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexesBoth sexes or whatever you identify as. It covers them all. It is not strictly only about women, it covers everyone. Feminism is not a belief that you can't have traditional values and beliefs, it's saying that you are free to have a family if you want and take on a traditional maternal role, and it's also saying that if you do not want to fulfill a traditional maternal role, that's cool, too! I am a Christian, I want to be a mother, I want to have a husband that takes control of the household and provides for me. That is what I want. But I believe that if a woman wants to live on her own or be the leader of her household, she can. It's saying that a woman is fully capable of doing whatever a man can do, thus making them equals. It's basically a theory on basic human rights. I truly, truly, recommend taking a Women & Gender Studies class if they offer it at your school. Your eyes will be opened. It's difficult at first. I didn't think I was a feminist when I started the class. All my "feminist" information came from articles written and shared online. That is not an accurate representation of feminism. Spending month's studying it opened my eyes to how tarnished the word is. I am a feminist. (And for the record, if you read this and still feel like you aren't a feminist; THAT IS OKAY. I just want people to realize what feminism actually is before they denounce it so harshly. Do accurate research on the topic and spend time collecting your own thoughts and then making your own opinion. We are all open to our own beliefs!) 
I will be honest with you, I am not thrilled with our president. Nothing he has ever said has made me feel safe and secure. If you disagree, that's completely okay. Us being different is what makes the world go round, different opinions are good. But can we please just, try to understand each other and respect beliefs? I can hardly log onto anything without seeing someone bashing the "liberals" and the "left." You know what? I am the left. I am this "idiotic, whiny, spoiled" group you are referring to in your derogatory posts. Your friend, your acquaintance, the girl that sits by you in class. That's me. You're name-calling someone you probably know and love deeply. And you know what? You don't know my true beliefs. You don't know what my life experiences have been that make me feel the way I do. Just like I don't know yours. I try my hardest not to pass judgment on people because not everyone grew up the way I did. I didn't grow up how you did. Our beliefs differ. We can still be friends. We can still be respectful towards one another without nasty name-calling. I don't think everyone who voted for Trump are "right-winged, conservative, morons." Many people I love dearly voted for him. Do I feel the need to call them morons? No! Even if I don't understand why you voted for him, I'm not going to shut you out as a person or call you names because of it. There are radicals in every religion or party you belong to, it doesn't mean you are the same as them. Can we just be nice?
There's also something that has been weighing me down for a while now, and I never want to mention it because of fear I will upset someone. But I feel it's important to bring up. I lean toward a more Democratic belief. Saying so, I'm not saying that I believe everything that Democrats stand for, and I'm also not saying that I disagree with all that Republicans stand for. But when it comes down to it, my belief system aligns more with the Democratic side. (More clarification: I prefer to look at how a particular person acts rather than a political party, meaning I don't just vote solely on what political party someone is in, but for the sake of this post, I am just focusing on the party because it is what this story revolves around.) What burns me up inside is that I was indirectly told once that "Democrats can't be Christians." This comment was not directed at me, but it was made (to my knowledge) without them knowing what my political beliefs were. I felt all sorts of anger and confusion. I had never questioned the two not "fitting" together until that moment. I became very aware of this apparent belief that many held in the months after it occurred. I was very confused. I kept my beliefs to myself because I didn't want friends or family members to think my political party wasn't "Christian." But who is to say who is a good Christian or not? You don't know what people do in private. You don't know how many nights they've cried out to the heavens just for an answer, or to just even feel like they weren't alone when they felt no one was there for them, possibly due to comments like this. All because someone doesn't outwardly talk about their religion to your face, doesn't mean they aren't Christians. And all because they have a particular belief about something regarding politics, doesn't mean they aren't Christians. We are not on this earth to condemn others, only God can do that. Our job while we're here is to love and serve others. If God wants to strike me down when I get to heaven because I am a "Democrat," then let him do it. No one will have to deal with it except for me, so I'm going on my merry way doing what I believe the Lord is telling me is right. The same goes for you. If you truly feel the Lord is telling you do something, you should listen to him and not let anyone steer you astray. 
Being religious on a college campus isn't easy, either, while we're somewhat on the topic. Once people find out you're a Christian, it always feels like they treat you different or think of you different. I know because it's happened often to me. I've spoken up in class about something I believed in, just to be shot down by someone who didn't have the same beliefs as me. Like I've said many times in this post, it's good to have different beliefs, but as Ms. Crick taught us in high school, there is an appropriate way to respectfully disagree with someone. This person was not that way toward me, and I believe that's why I took it so hard and still have a hard time getting over the whole situation. It made me afraid to speak out in class. I'm still trying to overcome that fear and stand firm in my beliefs and talk about them outwardly. I can tell people have been turned off by me because of my beliefs. When people realize you aren't going to go out and do certain things because you feel they are going against your beliefs, it's as if you are thought of as "perfect." (More on this later.) This story is still continuing. But what I do know is that God is still there, he still loves me, and he is still supporting me even when I know I disappoint him. 
I also think it's vital to open your mind to the world. Open your mind and realize there is more to the world than Middle Tennessee (or wherever you are right now.) The world is so so big. Learn about different people, learn about different practices, and learn about different religions. And let me clarify, you can be educated about different religions and still stand firm in your personal faith. I've learned about Buddhism, Islam, Paganism, to name a few, and never once have I considered converting. I believe being open to these religions and learning about them makes my mind more well-rounded, and I begin to understand their ways of life. I don't practice them or believe in them, (although in complete honesty, much of what I practice and believe in Christianity is at times similar to those other religions, because much of their beliefs are similar to Christian beliefs) but I still respect them and accept they exist. I want everyone in the world to know about Jesus. I want his name and his message to spread throughout the world. I can still want that and respect other religions. God called us to love. I will not ever hate a person for their religion, because I wouldn't want someone hating me for mine. 
And please, please, I beg of you, do not call me perfect. I've had friends and others tell me that my life seems "so perfect." I appreciate the somewhat compliment, but my life is far from it. I am blessed more than I deserve, with a close-knit family and a handful of good friends; but my life is not perfect. It may seem like that on the outside looking in, but trust me, it is not. The good Lord blessed me with a strong heart, one that has always made it possible for me to stand firm in my morals and not let people change me. But you don't realize that strong heart is also the one that makes me hurt so  much sometimes that it's unbearable. I have a mind that thinks so many thoughts a minute, over-analyzes, makes me feel pathetic almost constantly. You don't realize how many times I have to stay still and do breathing exercises just so I can build up the courage to leave my apartment. You don't realize that I get so panicky and worried about stuff that isn't even there/happening. I beat myself up for everything. I beat myself up because I left a note book at school by accident. I called myself an idiot for it and cried and told myself I'm not doing anything right. I am not perfect. No one is perfect. We are all living here on this world, just trying our hardest to make it through. I'm getting better one day at a time. Love and acceptance is the only thing that will heal us. 
All this is extremely hard for me to say. (My hands are ice cold while typing this, something that happens whenever I am afraid.) But I was tired of waking up every morning and going to bed every night feeling like the love I crave so bad for my community was slowly flowing away. I want to get a giant bucket and bring it all back. I didn't write this to be angry or to make you feel upset. I wrote this so you could  maybe see a different side of the situation, coming from someone who doesn't always enjoy speaking up about her beliefs. I want us to accept everyone even if they disagree with our opinions, let me rephrase that, WE NEED to accept everyone even if they disagree with our opinions. We need to rediscover that love that Christ instilled in us. The one that makes us tear up on Sunday morning because we are so full of love. We need to spread those happy tears to those who disagree with us. It's fine to disagree with others. We just desperately need to practice being kind to each other even if we do disagree. Realize that there are many more people in the world than those we know in our hometowns. Even if you aren't struggling with something that someone is fighting for, recognize that someone out there is going through it. Love those who persecute you. Love those who love you. Don't pass judgment if you haven't been through what someone is going through. Stand true to your beliefs, but don't beat someone else down for not seeing things exactly like you do. All because it isn't happening to you, doesn't mean it isn't happening. Educate yourselves. Talk to people who aren't like you. Share opinions. Accept people are different than you. Don't call people names. If you're feeling like you can't do any of these things, go out and get a cheeseburger and reconsider. Above all- Love.Love Love.
I'd like to end this on the lyrics from Bob Dylan's "Blowin' In The Wind," because whenever I'm needing peace or guidance, this song always pops up in my mind. 

How many roads must a man walk down

Before you call him a man?

How many seas must a white dove sail

Before she sleeps in the sand?

Yes, and how many times must the cannon balls fly

Before they're forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind

The answer is blowin' in the wind

Yes, and how many years can a mountain exist

Before it's washed to the sea?

Yes, and how many years can some people exist

Before they're allowed to be free?

Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head

And pretend that he just doesn't see?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind

The answer is blowin' in the wind

Yes, and how many times must a man look up

Before he can see the sky?

Yes, and how many ears must one man have

Before he can hear people cry?

Yes, and how many deaths will it take 'till he knows

That too many people have died?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind

The answer is blowin' in the wind

-Rachel xx

A Pen & A Paint Brush.

I have been writing and creating art for as long as I can remember. I always kept the two separate, not really thinking they could go hand in hand. I wanted to combine the two somehow but wasn't really sure how to do it efficiently. A professor of mine this past semester had us write an Artist Statement to go along with our final projects. Mine was somewhat lengthy, as I can get pretty long-winded. I really wasn't thinking much of what I wrote. All I knew was that it came straight from the heart. I reckon my emotion towards the painting showed more than I imagined, because my professor encouraged me to do writings with all of my paintings/work. I was told it opened another realm that isn't obvious by just looking at my work. 

That little push made me realize that maybe the two can go hand in hand. 

So far, I only have two: the one from my final project and one from a painting I did tonight. I'd like to share them with you. :)

"This portrait, like much of my work, is an open curtain to the inner workings of my heart and mind. Images of celebrities are a common motif in my work and for a specific reason. Growing up, I always dreamed of performing or doing something unconventional. I watched movies and listened to music, often with tears in my eyes because I was so moved by the work I was witnessing from these people I would never meet. Creating images of these people somehow makes me closer to them. On my loneliest days these individuals were there for me the instant I needed them. My hand was being held. The thought of never being able to meet these inspirational individuals lead to me creating portraits of them. The sadness I feel once I remember that thought is what drives me to make these images, and that is also why I usually chose an expression that is more serious. I create these portraits as a small thank you for all that they’ve done for me. I see so much beauty in them that I often don’t see in myself, so creating these images somehow helps me see that beauty in myself.  I see reflections of myself in them, partially because they’re living a life I’ve dreamed of since I was a child."

"My heart was aching for something to make me feel again. A word, an action, something. I felt so low and like something was missing. The lights were off and my head was on the pillow, praying for clarity and peace. Music was playing softly right by my ear. My eyes closed and feeling each word. "Oh butterflies, you steal my sleep each night." Words that clung to me for days, weeks, months. A haunting precursor for future events. Haunting words that kept me hopeful through months of hardships. On repeat. Each time they danced around me, my skin shivered with the most pathetic, lovesick glee. It left me in a dreamlike atmosphere. The words were there when you weren't. The words that gave me a sense of love and belonging, one that I so desperately wanted from you." Lyrics in italics from James Bay's song "Need the Sun to Break" 

This one was obviously not as "professional" sounding, I guess you could say. The first was written to present in class and the latter was a scribbling in an notebook. Both equally from my heart and soul. 

I know I said I wouldn't be posting as much as usual and would be keeping more things to myself, but I felt inclined to post these. I hope you enjoyed. And I hope you realize these little celebrity portraits I do mean more to me than it may seem. Each stroke and dot and color comes with a lot of emotion. 

<3

-Rachel 

One Final "Thank You" of 2016.

As I sit here on my bed surrounded by Christmas lights and listening to the Hairspray Live soundtrack (you should seriously go listen to it!), I felt the need to say one final thank you to you. 

It may be cheesy to say, your kind words and encouragement is a reason that I continue writing/drawing. The main reason I do it is because it serves as an emotional release. (And probably the fact that I have to constantly keep my hands busy doing something, I have a hard time keeping them still, haha!) But in all seriousness, I truly appreciate your compliments and encouragement. A simple, "I loved this!" or a like on my writings make my heart so happy. I can't tell you how crazy it is for me to be doing something and realize someone out there is reading it, or even just skimming it. I don't try to create things just to receive feedback, but the feedback you all have given me is incredibly appreciated. There are some days where I'll write something out of desperation/loneliness, and receiving something like "I understand what you're going through," is beautiful. It makes this little creative mind feel like she's doing what she's supposed to be doing, if that makes sense? 

I've said time and time again, especially recently- I've always loved making people happy/feel loved. I feel like the Lord put me on the Earth to do just that. I adore writing these blogs and creating art that may possibly touch people. It warms my heart and gives me motivation to push on. 

I feel like I'm babbling! I hate that, haha! But seriously, just know that even though I sometimes have a hard head and have a hard time receiving compliments, I truly do appreciate your kind words and love. I plan on improving my hardheadedness towards compliments this coming year. Instead of shrugging them off as "they're just being nice, they feel bad for me," I'm going to try and fully accept them and take them to heart. <3 Be patient with me. 

As much as I love pouring out my heart on here, in a way, I want to step back from it for a while. I still want to write about what's going on in my life and still want to be open about everything, but I also want to maybe keep some of my feelings to myself. I'm not keeping everything in, I know that isn't healthy. I'm not really sure how to adequately explain this. I'm hoping you understand what I'm getting at. I mentioned something similar to this back in October, I believe. In the new year, I want to stay off of social media more. I find that it often becomes detrimental to my mental health. (Not this blog or Facebook, per say. But I do need a break.) I feel like I say this a lot, and it probably sounds like I'm not keeping my word. But I tell you truthfully, I'm honestly trying my hardest. I have a shelf full of books I'd love to read and art I'd like to create rather than spending hours on here. I am okay, I feel like I have to say that for some reason. I am perfectly fine. I feel happy and hopeful for the new year. I am really hoping to connect with the world and my spiritual self rather than online. I really hope that makes sense. 

I guess that's what I mean when I say I want to step back. I feel like I need to take a breath. A long, drawn out breath. I will still write. I will still be on here. But if there are long periods where I seem MIA, I'm probably still taking that breath. Or eating a cheeseburger. 

So again, thank you for the love and continued support. I will still be writing and creating. (Actually, as I wrote this I just saw that Garrett Clayton liked my drawing of him. Happy New Years to me! And stuff like this makes me want to keep pushing. I want to create images of people for them to see, and hopefully see my adoration in them.) If I could get all of your addresses and send you each thank you cards I would. I'm terrible at expressing emotions in person, so that's why I rely heavily on this blog to express how I feel. Thank you so much. If you could see all the times I sit in my room feeling discouraged, then get a notification from one of you expressing kindness towards me, and it brightens my day. So thank you endlessly. Know I am here, like you all are there for me. And I hope you understand that I want to focus on myself in the new year, not in a selfish way, but in an accepting sort of way. I want to better myself, while still trying to be a light to others.

Be safe tonight if you're going out, and I hope you are hopeful for the year to come. 

Once again, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for making this girl feel like she is doing exactly what she was meant to be doing. 

:)

-Rachel xx

Home Alone 2 image found here 

Twenty Sixteen, you dog.

It's crazy to think that Christmas day has now come and gone. If you know me well, you know that I'm in a hardcore Christmas depression. As soon as I wake up Christmas morning I get a tinge of sadness because I know in a few hours that our Christmas morning will be over and we won't see it again until next year. I try to hold onto it as long as I can. I have to repeatedly tell myself that the Christmas season actually ends on January 6th, so I still have time to be jolly. I plan on bringing that jolliness into the new year and for the months to come until December 25th rolls around again. 

As much as I want to talk about Christmas, this isn't what this post is about. Well, it's partially about it. I wanted to do a "year in review" type deal. I think it's important to look back on your year and focus on the beautiful things that happened, but not be afraid to acknowledge the bad things and to grow from them. 

This has been a hard year for many people. I actually believed it was a hard year for everyone, but then I saw some talking about how this was the best year of their life. That's when I learned not to lump a whole year based on other's experiences. For me, this year was equally lovely and equally rough. 

January: The Month of Snow

My little heart was so happy to see this sight. If it was winter all year round, I'd be happy. I love the cold and the snow. I don't love the ice. But when my little eyes saw this in January, the kid in me did cartwheels. Most of my photos of January are the snow. You can see the pure childhood joy in my eyes in the pictures of me from this month. It was a new year, a new semester, and I was very hopeful for the upcoming year. My mom and I also saw Michelangelo's drawings at the Frist. Little did I know I'd be working there in just a few months!

February: The Month of My Birth

I turned 20. It seems weird still that my teenage years are over, but then again it feels like I've been in my twenties for a decade now. I've felt like a child at heart but sometimes felt like I was a bit of an old soul. Turning 20 solidified that old-soulness a bit, if that makes any sense. My parents decorated the house for me when I came home, complete with those foldable banners that say "Happy Birthday" and balloons and took me out to lunch. I felt very loved on my birthday and am thankful for that love I was shown. I also correctly guessed the score for the Super Bowl, only off by one point. How did I do this? I have no idea. I truly do not understand football or how the scoring goes. A birthday miracle, maybe! :p

March: The Month I Started Taking Care of Myself 
I really began paying attention to myself this month. I decided to try and cut out sugary drinks and do a little bit of yoga every day. I failed often, but promised not to be hard on myself. I attribute a lot of this to Kate Hudson's book Pretty Happy. I read it nearly every day and began taking note of what I ate and how I felt. I've never been a fan of recording what I eat, it's a good way to keep track, but I found it made me feel terrible if I ate something sugary that day. Instead, I focused on my mental health and listened to how my body was reacting to what I filled it with. I cut out sodas during the week and only drank water/healthy juices and tried to eat vegetables every day. I tried to cut out social media time. I saw improvement almost immediately in how I felt. I went from drinking two Pepsis a day and feeling sluggish once I went to bed, to drinking waters or cranberry juice and feeling more vivacious and at peace throughout the day. I listened to the signs my body was giving me and it's probably one of the best things I've learned to do all year. Also during this month, I met a fellow who made me feel beautiful without telling me I was beautiful. He was a great friend and even though we don't talk anymore, he was a beautiful light in my life that I was happy to share a couple months of conversation with. I doubt you'll read this, but you inspired me and made me laugh a lot during that short time and I'm thankful for that. You gave me some joy in a time I felt kind of alone, so I'm appreciative for that.

April: The Month I Found My New Obsession

I had been taking a photography class since January, but in April I truly fell in love with 35mm photography. I found a new way to express myself. I took pictures upon pictures and spent most of my spring afternoons in the darkroom processing all my images. One of them actually was accepted into APSU's Student Show, my second year of being in it! I was thrilled. The smell of Subway always brings me back to this time, because nearly everyday I was in the darkroom I'd come back to our apartment late and I wasn't able to get food with my roommate like usual. My intake of Subway sandwiches during that period probably wasn't healthy, but I created some work I truly loved out of that time period. I also spent a lot of time outside during April. I was looking through my photos during that month and more than half of them are taken outdoors. (And I must've been in a maxi-dress craze as well, most of the photos with me, I'm wearing one. Haha!)

May: The Month of Events on Events on Events

I finished my sophomore year and moved all my stuff out of my apartment myself. (I may've spent a good 5 minutes trying to unhook a TV cable.) The first week of summer break, my family broke out of our comfort zone and went downtown to see Keith Urban. He had a free concert outside the Bridgestone Arena to celebrate his new album, Ripcord. Keith is a national treasure to our family. My sister graduated college, I attended her roommate's graduation party, complete with karaoke renditions of Pillow Talk by Zayn. My sister and I played in a tennis tournament and thought we were going to die because it was so hot. 

June: The Month of Big Changes

This may've been the biggest turning point month of this year. I spent a good chunk of May looking for a job, and ended up receiving two in June. I volunteered at the Frist and became a sales associate at Cato. I actually should've named this, "The Month of Nerves." I worried enough this month to last my whole life. I worked a lot, a lot a lot. I went from never working to working almost every day. I know, that's what a job is, but with my nervous system, this was all new and it was freaking out. Working these two jobs really pushed me out of my comfort zone. I found it easier to talk to people because both jobs entailed me having to talk to people. I learned to deal with the public. I also attended CMA Fest for the first time, and got so nervous once I got there I accidentally ran in a fancy hotel just to find a bathroom. You know, just girly things. I ended up getting so hot during the Festival that I had to go sit underneath a sno-cone stand to cool down. I had a lot of fun but me and the heat are not friends. I also saw WEIRD AL FREAKING YANKOVIC for the third time. I won tickets on the radio and nearly screamed. I nervously told the radio man my full name when he asked for my name and said then proceeded "holy crap" on the radio and he laughed at me. He then asked for my zipcode, I told him the city I lived in instead. He then said, "your zipcode, babe" and I felt like such an idiot. But I got two free tickets out of the whole ordeal so I was stoked. I  may have cried. I also got pulled over for the first time this month because I had a headlight out. I didn't realize you were supposed to turn your caution lights on if you were trying to find a well-lit place to pull over, so they called backup on me. It was so much fun. When the officer came to my car, he asked how I was and I nervously, overly-cheerfully answered, "I'm good, how are you!?" in my sales associate voice. He let me off with a warning since it was my first time being pulled over. What a month!

July: The Month of Sunshine Galore

A big portion of my July was spent outside. From the beach, to painting a shed at my Grandma's house, to playing with sparklers outside, it was a month spent doing things outdoors with my family. I also was in my second month of working as a sales associate, finally getting used to it and not wanting to cry every time I went into work. (I'm very emotional, I realize this, haha!) I spent a lot of late nights writing and drawing this  month. 

August: The Month of Even More Changes

My last month of summer, one spent feeling like I was being screwed over by people I thought I could trust. I won't get into details on here, I'd be happy to tell you later on. But those issues have made me into the person I am today. I learned a lot during this  month. You can't trust every single person, and if something is wrong, tell someone about it. We celebrated my dad's birthday and my sister met Steve-O. She took my little drawing of him and had him sign it for me. It's proudly framed in my apartment right now. <3 I drew a lot of portraits. I was bright eyed and bushy tailed about the new year of school ahead of me. 

September: The Month of Painting and Family 

My painting class required us to be outside nearly every class period. We painted landscapes, still life, and even a protest. I learned so much about  painting and my love for it was rekindled. This was another month spent outside, since the weather wasn't quite cold yet. My parents came up to school for Family Day, even though it rained and most of it was spent inside. We had a family reunion and walked down into my great-grandfather's farm and talked about some old memories. We met a cashier at Target who made us laugh so much, every time we go back we look to see if he's working. It was a very joyful month. 

October: The Month of New Beginnings

October was a launching pad month for the end of the year, and I can see that full well now. I didn't mention it earlier, but once school started back, I was a little bummed out about some things that had happened to me personally. I let it bug me more than I should have. I let it affect my grades. I felt like I was losing control, and I told myself enough was enough. I began to buckle down and study. I did things to make me happy. I went and saw Frankie Ballard on campus, and have been in love with his raspy voice ever since. I also went with my childhood bestfriend, which made it even sweeter. I few more comfortable with my paintings. I wanted to do it all the time! I also got to show some of my work at a Soiree downtown Clarksville, the first time my work has been shown outside of campus. I was thrilled but super nervous. My professor was very helpful and I was encouraged by some of my peers in this new step. I spoke in front of a group of people and made them laugh. I look at pictures my mom took from that night (she is my paparazzi) and am still shocked it all happened. The most special moment is when a girl I had a class with nearly a year ago came up to me, grabbed my hands and told me how proud she was of me. She had driven me back to my dorm from the art building a year ago because it was late and she and my professor didn't want me walking back by myself. We didn't know each other then and was shocked someone would do that for me. I was overwhelmed by the love that was shown to me that night, and look back on it whenever I am feeling down. 

November: The Month of Love

I wrote about this particular day in this post, which you can read if you would like more detail. That day stands out the most to me because it was when I realized I really need to shed the belief that everyone hates me. I needed to accept that it was all a mind game I was torturing myself with. I learned this month that I was capable of being an artist and more people like you than you think they do. I learned to focus on that. I went to my Grandma's house for Thanksgiving, and it's one of my favorite Thanksgivings to date. I got to go shopping with my Grandma, and I wish I could do that every single day. My dad, sister, and I went to Wahlburgers to eat dinner. It was delicious. I felt so much love during each of these things. I think I was probably the happiest in this month than any month of the year. My heart was overflowing. 

December: The Month of Peace

December I tried focusing on my inner peace. I tried to cut out my social media time as much as I could. I tried focusing on more tangible things. Much of this was difficult, though. We got all our floors in the house redone and we weren't able to decorate for Christmas until after the 10th, when we usually do it as soon as December begins. Our furniture/etc was everywhere and it really messed with my psyche. Once everything was settled, I began to feel more stable. I was able to focus on Christmas. I began feeling lonely, but combated it with prayer and peaceful nights snuggled in bed with a cup of tea. I felt like the last month of my whirlwind year should be spent feeling thankful for all I had. I wanted my heart to be full of so much joy. Looking at it now, it truly was. I had my days, but most of the time I felt the joy of Christmas. I got to see family members. I got to smile, belly laugh, cry, and hug people I haven't seen in a while. It was a great month, and I can't wait to end it with even more joy.

I usually cry on Christmas Eve, because I don't want the year to end. I don't feel that way this year. I am ready to move forward. I'm ready to face 2017 with so much love that it's annoying. I want to start each day with a smile and a heart full of Jesus. I'm ready to get organized and start a new routine. I am sad that this year is over, but am so thrilled to start fresh. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Thank you for all the love, the laughs, the tears, the arguments, the joy, the sadness, the events, and the support that made this year unlike any I've had before. In just this year alone, you've clicked on my posts 1,360 times. Those are my combined views on posts just this year. That is insane. Thank you so much for reading, I plan to write more in the New Year. <3

From my favorite little dude to all you dudes, hope your Christmas was bright and your New Years is even brighter. 

-Rachel xx

Progress?

I wasn't sure what to name this blog, but "Progress?" seemed the most fitting. It covers a plethora of topics. I feel like I'm making progress, but then again I feel as if I'm standing still. 

I was reading through some blog posts I wrote this time last year. They were oozing with progress and optimism. I was so comfortable with myself. I was secure. Everything was cream puffs and hot cups of tea. 

I don't know what happened to that girl. She's still in here somewhere, but she seems to be hiding right now. At the moment she's scared away. Many, many things happened this year that seemed to shift her focus away from those optimistic thoughts.

I've said it time and time again, I know it's probably annoying. But writing about it on a somewhat consistent basis helps me face it somehow. I'm staring it in the face and confronting it. I often don't know how or who to tell these things to, so typing it up and opening it up to the world allows a release. It's like I am talking to someone about it. I have fallen into the pit of thinking I am ugly again. As petty as that sounds, I believe it's the root of a lot of my problems that has halted my progress. 

Again, I've written about it before, but in middle school all this fun mess started. I became aware of how I looked and pegged the reason that people were not talking to/liking me on my appearance. It's a awful habit I still carry to this day. Of course they don't like you, you look weird. You look too manly. You're too tall. Your nose is too big. Your feet are big. You aren't little and cute like them. You are fat. They prefer straight hair. All these things that used to haunt me as a preteen and a teenager are all coming back to me as an adult. I hate it.

I was never the girl with the boyfriend. I felt it was because of my looks. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't fun enough. I was too shy. (But thankfully, I do know now that it probably wasn't my looks. I knew some of intentions of the guys that I was around, and I wasn't that type of person. I'm sure that was actually the reason.) I don't know why it still bugs me. Why am I still so upset that my 16 year old self never had a boyfriend? I honestly don't know. Maybe it's because I feel that people will see me as undate-able since I was always single. A stupid reason, but it's crossed my mind. 

I'm not trying to play the victim, because I was also in the wrong in some of the attempted relationships I had, but many of them were detrimental to my emotional state. I willingly gave out my trust and love just to have is stomped on. I never felt like anyone truly valued me, but I stayed beside them anyway, because I was getting attention from a boy. A boy that liked me! What a thrill! Later just to find that I was just another coin in a jar collecting dust. In all the people I ever talked to, I can't think of one who I feel truly liked me. I felt like I was just fun for a while, but when they realized I wasn't going to give into every desire they had, I'd get dropped off. And it sucked. It still sucks. Even today if I feel that I'm getting somewhat close to a guy, it frightens me. I get flashbacks to those guys who treated me like a doormat. There were nights of tears and anger because I learned that they were talking to other girls or that they never actually cared for me. I shouldn't have been so trusting, but then again, they should've treated me like a human with a heart and not an object to pass time. I love wholeheartedly but I'm not overbearing. 

I'm not trying to blame all my insecurity on boys. Because the majority of it comes from me and my own thoughts. I scroll through Instagram and see all these girls with perfect bodies and faces. Boys liking their photos left and right. Their mouths watering over these girls. I catch myself scrolling and scrolling looking at their pictures wishing I looked like them and was getting that attention. Is that good attention? Absolutely not. I know if that were actually happening to me, I'd feel uncomfortable. I'm not trying to peg the blame on a person, because again, it's not their fault and I'm truly to blame-- but unfollowing the Kardashians/Jenners on social media was the best thing I ever did. I used to look at their pictures and just wish I was curvy and beautiful. It was especially bad with Kylie Jenner. I envied her curves and lips. I wanted to be able to be as confident as she looks. And that's crazy to me because she's younger than me, and I'm jealous of her. She has so much money that allows her to look like she does. I have to repeatedly tell myself that she is not who I'm supposed to look like or be like. I am my own person. I unfollowed her and those thoughts began to cease. I wasn't comparing myself to her anymore. It was liberating. I'm all about girls expressing themselves in ways they see fit, I'm not trying to belittle her or say she's doing something wrong. I just know that looking at her photos did nothing but make me feel bad about myself, and fear that younger girls may be looking at her and doing the same thing. 

And all this drives me insane because I know that I am beautiful. I know that the Lord made me in his image and I really don't need to be destroying his creation with these thoughts. I know that deep down, but sometimes it feels so deep that it's hard to see. I have found myself recently shrugging off kind comments towards me, like I used to do. I had it set in my mind people were just saying nice things because they felt bad for me and they didn't actually mean them. I have no earthly idea where this came from. I've been asking myself when this started growing, and I truly don't know. The only time I can pin it to is when I was in middle school and started paying attention to boys and seeing my friends start dating. Why did is spiral like this and why did I worry about it so much? No idea. My only answer it's probably from the lack of attention I was receiving from people I was hoping to get it from. Or hormones. 

I feel like I have been falling into the trap of "if he doesn't like you then you must be unworthy of his love and aren't good enough for him." I hate this so much. I hate it. My worth doesn't come from him. My worth comes from no one but myself. I get lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to that would just listen and talk back instead of wanting something in return. (I do have some people like this, I promise I'm not forgetting you.) Flirting can be fun and all, but I'd love to have an intelligent conversation with someone instead. 

I still think, "if so and so just told me I was beautiful, I'd feel so much better." It isn't true. It'll never be true. Harry Styles could come up to me and sincerely tell me I was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and I'd still probably think he was lying to me. I don't really know how to fight it. There are days where it goes away and I don't focus on it. It's complicated. Because at this point in my life, I don't sit around thinking "wow I'm ugly." I do believe I am somewhat attractive. I feel like I have unique features. I've grown more comfortable with how I'm shaped and how my voice sounds. I do know there are people who have complimented me that truly mean it. I know not everyone is lying to me when I get complimented on my looks. But there's always been this little burnt-orange, lumpy looking monster who dances around my mind shooting down compliments with his little evil scepter. I let him win way too often. I want him to go away. I don't know how to make him leave. It's hard because tomorrow he may be gone on a long vacation and won't be back for a while. It's weird. 

I feel like I'm worrying about nothing. There are way  more important things in life going on than if I feel beautiful or not. Bigger things are happening that matter more. It still hurts a lot, though. I'd much rather be focusing on my art or on other people, but this has been annoying me a lot lately. There are some people in my life as of late that I've developed feelings for. I felt that if I get told by them, "you're beautiful/pretty/something," I'll feel better. Well, it happened. And it felt crappy because I was the idiot who kind of subtly squeezed it out of them. It didn't feel good knowing I purposely tried to receive a compliment from a particular person and then when I got the compliment, I felt like trash. I didn't feel good about myself. I actually felt much worse than before I heard those words that were supposed to make me happy. I basically feel like I'm chasing my own tail and I'm getting dizzy. 

I don't like feeling that way. I'm not sure how to control it. I don't want this to worry anyone, which  may sound stupid to say that at the end of this post. Because I'm happy, I am excited and thankful to be alive and super excited about the Christmas season. I still laugh everyday and dance around in my room pretending I'm Britney Spears. I'm fine! My heart is happy and I feel like I'm overflowing with more love than I have before, just not love towards myself. This has just been a weird couple of weeks of hardcore insecurity flooding back to me. I'm confused at the moment to why it's coming back. All I'm doing now is trying my best to see the beauty in myself and thanking the Lord for making me the way I am. I'm trying to realize all because some cute guy doesn't like me, doesn't mean I am unlikable to all the boys in the world. My worth doesn't diminish because of him. I have people in my life that love and appreciate me, I am healthy, I am happy, I'm currently sitting by a twinkling tree. I have more than I'll ever need. I just need to learn how to transfer the optimism towards others to myself.

And I truly, truly am thankful for those who support me and speak kind words towards me. I am sincerely trying to take it all to heart and kick the monster out. My mind is my own worst enemy. Here's to progress.

-Rachel xx